A Soccer Kick to the Demon Student part 2

Have you ever wanted to a soccer kick someone in the face?

I have.
It sounds mean, and guess what. It is!

Part 2

This looks bad, but I totally wanted to do it. Soccer boots on as well.

If you didn't read my last post, please read it first. 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/2012/06/soccer-kick-to-demon-student-part-1.html

If you don't have time or don't want to, the gist is that this one kid was evil and happened to be the devil's spawn. He wanted to test to see how Zen I was. I wasn't at all and lost control.

Back to the original story, after he sprayed himself with perfume and with the heat all the kids started complaining. He picked on the nicest, smartest kid in the class who was sitting beside him and he sprayed her in the face with the perfume. I was furious. She was this little quiet, helpless kid, who he chose to abuse because he is the biggest bully. This demon child physically abuses teachers and students and is getting away with it.

I told him to stop it. I don’t recall now if I spoke in English or Japanese, but either way he got the message I was not impressed.

He came to the back of the classroom where I was standing and shoulder checked me into the wall. He seemed to be walking out of the class.

I lost it. I grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him into the door. He started punching me in the face and chest which made me more angry. Of course I couldn’t really punch him, since he is a kid. Although one of the Japanese English teachers used to tell me someday I should try, since the chances of me getting sued or kicked out of Japan were less due to me not being Japanese.

He fell against the door and I pushed him harder. He grabbed me by the trachea (throat) and started to try to crunch my windpipe.

Double spelt wrong. Only I choked he kicked me in the balls.

 Since I was so angry, I didn’t feel much. Occasionally adrenaline comes in handy. He kicked me in the balls and I pushed him again. Finally due to the door being a sliding door and both of us leaning on it, it slide open and we fell into the hallway.

He was swearing like bloody murder and some of the hallway teachers came to see what was happening. He kicked me in the balls again and I kept coming forward, as if to show him no matter what he tried to do, I could destroy him.

He tried to punch me and I avoided it, then he kicked me in the nuts harder, which I could feel. I felt like I peeing blood. Not a great feeling to say the least. I don't suggest you try it.

As his last kick hit me in my balls and I felt like my spleen split, I grabbed his foot. At Judo I had practiced a move about 1000 times where once you grab the foot you kick/ sweep out the remaining leg. This ends up with the person either landing on their back and their wind knocked out on mats, or if on the streets, the head hitting the cement and their brains falling out. I thought about this for at least ten seconds. I could have ended it right there, but it might have ended up being permanently for him. I was trying to think rationally through the anger and adrenaline. 

Imagine me throwing you super speed on your head on cement.

I let his leg go and he tried to kick me again, luckily this time due to the previous hit my hips automatically moved back (like Elvis) trying to protect my groin from further damage. A female teacher came forward to try to restrain him and he slugged her in the face. I couldn’t believe it. I stepped on his foot and again I thought about letting him have it. I was so close to destroying him I can’t even tell you. At that point I didn’t care he was 15 years old, my size and technically a child. He was a demon that deserved some punishment.
I stepped off his foot and gave him a swift kick to his shins to level things out. Until that point I hadn’t laid a finger on him in retaliation for his kicks to my balls, punches and shoulder check. I couldn’t contain my anger anymore.
The female teacher was holding her face in pain. As I kicked him in the shin he let out a squeal like I had stuck a knife in him. Dude, I kicked you in the shin. You just slugged a lady in the face! Man up!
Finally a male teacher came and he pushed him away. Finally a few more teachers came and they managed to subdue him. They started to pull him away. At this point I looked down and my shirt and realized not only was it ripped, but there was blood on it, I didn’t know where it was from but when I felt my lip I realized my lip was cut open. My throat had fingernail blood marks and I felt like peeing blood. Maybe I can donate the blood?
The English teacher suggested I go to the staff room to go get a new shirt. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Just my luck, that demon student was standing at the staffroom while they tried to settle him down. Seriously? That is unlucky.
He ran at me as fast as he could and yelled. I thought perhaps at this point he might be scared of me, since I doubt many teachers kick students in the shin, or retaliate in anyway.
He pretended to punch me, but I had no reaction. I thought maybe it would show him how weak he is, that I don’t care if he hits me, I’ll keep coming forward and crush him whenever I want. I felt like I was a black panther (civil rights movement for African Americans in USA.) only I'm not black and my goal isn't as important.
He charged at me again, the female teacher who had got punched in the face a few minutes before begged him to stop, she literally begged him. I felt really bad for her. It was like she was begging for him to let me live. Maybe she expected the worse from him, a knife in my back. Great.
As he tried to punch me again, she turned her back on him and covered me from punches. That was nice, although the few male teachers that were left tried to control him. I headed to the staff room.
It seems like the remaining staff knew what was happening. I was told I should to the principal’s office to hide. It was like I was in protective custody. Its a kid though I thought, can't they just suspend him? He repeated about 100 times how he was going to kill me. I should have recorded it and turned it into a song. It might have caught on for the other demon children.
I hide in the principal’s office. He tried to gain access to the principal’s office by kicking the door from the hallway and punching the windows. I was laughing a bit, it seemed a bit overly dramatic and ridiculous.
After another hour of him being a drama demon, they said it might be safe for me to return to the staffroom.
I didn’t know if they were joking but they told me I should be careful in the hallways, as he may be waiting for me. I was like ummm OK.
I pictured him sharpening a pencil to stab me with. At least he is using a pencil for once I thought.
I managed to survive for the next few weeks.
One of the muscular American guys whose Japanese wife happened to work at my school knew about the situation.
During a JET English teacher meeting, they asked if anyone was having any issues. My teacher had asked me to keep the story on the down-low for the school’s sake and my own, since it was suggested to me, it was mostly my fault for setting him off.
I didn’t say anything, I had already mentioned my school was difficult and I was abused regularly, but no one took notice. Thanks by the way if you are reading this. HA!
I don’t want to compare myself to a crime victim, but it was definitely like being victimized and even though trying to report it, no one listens. Plus I didn't feel like bringing it up, since who is gonna believe I got beat by a child.
The head of the prefecture was at the meeting and he came over. As he was about to finish the meeting, the American guy said “Listen. I know this guy and he is getting beat by his students. This person doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers, release his name or his school's name but he was told BE LIKE BRUCE LEE when a student attacked him. Can anything be done or what!?”. The person claimed he didn’t know there were any issues and that if that was the situation he would like to know what he can do to solve it.
I got a phone call the next day from that person. He informed me he had spoken to his Japanese government superiors, who informed him my school was a special situation and not much could be done. I was like damn! He told me the only way I could switch schools was if for some reason I had a terrible medical condition they couldn't deal with in my town.

For the first time in my life I wish I had something serious, like the black plague.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

 

Funky Skin Rashes and Ancient Languages

Funky Skin Rashes and Ancient Languages

I think I did upload it, or at least I did do other pics like when I had a purple toe and black eye.

While in Japan I got some funky skin rashes. It’s called athlete’s foot in English, but in Japan they called it “mizu mushi”, which basically means water bug / insect. WTF? I have a water bug in my skin. Then I looked it up and the other word in English is ringworm. I guess the Japanese word is true. Its basically bacteria on the skin that starts doing the funky chicken or perhaps  in our case the funky worm.

I wasn’t sure how I got it, but I was rolling around doing judo groundwork with a lot of questionable people. I hoped it was from me wearing sweaty socks all the time including in winter, where I wore 3 pairs at once to stay warm.

According to Wikipedia athlete’s foot is a fungus and will grow more rapidly in the following conditions
1) Crowded or Humid conditions. That's me!
2) Sweat excessively. That's me!
3) Participate in close sports like wrestling and soccer. That's me!
4) Wear tight constrictive clothing with poor aeration. That's me!
5) Have a weakened immune system. Hope not!

I think I met 4 of the 5 best conditions for it to grow. Number 5 nope, at least I hope anyways.

Summer seemed to be the worst though, that damn humidity never lets up. I saw all the teachers wore socks inside, but sometimes I was so sweaty, I took them off. I’m sure they were horrified.
But what else is new? I did wear underwear (despite what you may have heard through the rumour mill).

I finally decided it was getting progressively worse so I went to the doctor. The Japanese doctor looked at it and said you need to go to the skin doctor.
So, off on my jolly way I went.
It was my first time to a skin doctor. I had never been to one in Canada either so I wasn’t sure what to expect.
I envisioned a room full of people with goiters on their necks (big huge weird balls of skin).
When I arrived I found a room full of people waiting. It had a very “countryside” feel to it.
A girl looked at me, “Mama there is a gaijin (foreigner) here”. I contemplated responding “Ya and I understand you.” But, alas I decided against it.
My name was called from the front “Mr.Gaijin”. I was like ummm that’s not really my name but OK. I entered the room where a chipper older Japanese doctor sat. He had a big smile on his face, like he was happy to see me.
“Konnichi wa Mr.Gaijin. Do you understand Japanese?” he pondered. “Well, yes a little”, I answered. He looked even more happy. “You are the first gaijin to my office. I am happy to meet you. Are you American?”. “No”, I answered. “Oh, where are you from, perhaps a Brit?”. “Ahem, no, I’m Canadian”. He seemed to think about that for a minute like it didn’t register. Finally “Good. That’s good, let’s have a look at your hairy gorilla like skin”. No! He didn’t say that, but I think it would have been funny if he had.
He started inspecting my skin with a magnifying glass. He then grabbed a knife and my foot and locked it between his legs. I had a feeling he was about to filet my toes. Instead he grabbed my foot and scrapped a bunch of skin from my foot. It was pretty painful, but I tried to keep my mouth shut..
He took the skin fragments and looked at them with his high powered microscope.
“Ah HA!” he yelled. “Just as I expected, its Tinea pedis”. I was like “Sorry, what? Tina who?”. As far as I recall I don’t remembering doing judo with anyone named Tina. He seemed surprised I didn’t understand and handed me a book of skin conditions, it had Japanese on one side and some weird language on the other. He pointed to it, “Here it's written in English”. I was like ummmm….. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it sure wasn’t English, maybe Polish or Russian I thought. After a minute I realized it must be Latin cause it had roots of things that never made sense to me like “magnus” “corporis” , “malus”, “Ginormous”. That last one I added in myself, I was just trying to go with the flow. In-case you didn’t know ginormous was recently added into English dictionaries due to its popular usage on the pop culture scene.
I finally told the doctor “Actually its called Latin. English does have some roots in it, but I don’t speak or understand it.”. He looked baffled. “Do you mean you don’t speak your own language?”, he asked. “No, I do. Its just that this is not my language. I mean it did add words and stuff to my language but its not my language”, I answered.
As always I don’t think I did a great job of explaining it to him. He seemed baffled.
Being the smart alleck I am, I thought I would give him a great metaphor. “So you speak Japanese right? Japanese characters came from Chinese, so if someone shows you something in Chinese they might think you speak Chinese, but probably you can’t read it, well to a degree you can, cause the base of the character meaning would be the same”. Blank stare on his face. Then, “ I don’t speak Chinese”, he answered. I didn’t know how to answer him, I had done a piss poor job of explaining it to him, what else is new.
He started writing something down and told me I would need to take oral medicine five times a day. That’s annoying I thought. In Japan they always give low dosages of medicine, and most foreigners find it quite weak. Most books for foreigners coming to Japan recommend bringing your own medicine, half of our medicine is banned though, be careful.
He looked at me and said “If you don’t take care of the tinea pedis it will become tinea cruris”. 
Crap! He definitely did not comprehend I didn’t speak Latin.
I asked him to write the words down so I could perhaps look through a Latin dictionary later (if I could find one, maybe in the Vatican?) to decipher his dead archaic language.

I looked up the word later, it said it meant jock itch.
NO THANKS I'LL PASS!

I started bathing my feet in vinegar everyday cause I read on the internet, it helps cure it.
My girlfriend commented a few times it smelled like “sushi rice”. Ha!
I don't think anyone wants to eat rice that has touched my feet.

If I ever go to a make your own wine place, I'm not drinking the wine I crush with my bare-feet.

Let's see. Doesn't look that hard to understand. Latin is the same as English right?

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Snack Bars and GangSTAAAARS

Nick and Snack Bars
Gangstars

Have you ever been to a snack bar in Japan? I'm asking but I don't care, cause this story isn't about you and it isn't really about me either. Its about Nick.
If you remember previous stories about Nick, he was the American Italian guy that thought he was gangster. I'll assure you he was no GANGSTARR, more like the whitest cat you will ever meet.
He had a long standing affection with snack bars in Japan. If you don't know what they are, they are basically a men's club or some might say a "Gentleman's Club". Rest assured Nick was no gentlemen as this story unfolds you will find out. 

Snakku in Japanese for Snack. But what kind of snack?

As you recall we were in a small town. Unbeknownst to me it was kind of famous for its snack bars.
According to Nick there were a couple Chinese snack bars he loved.  He used to tell me he liked the Chinese ones cause the Chinese girls skin tasted like red licorice. To be honest, I don't know what that means and I probably never will.
More than once while enjoying his time at these snack bars he would drunk dial me. He would always tell me to come out and see all the bitches. I was like Ummm, no thanks. On top of the fact I had no interest, I figured it would be pretty expensive and being the cheap ass I am, I didn't want to waste my money.
Onetime he called me super late at night. Since I was already sleeping I couldn't think of why he would be calling me so late unless it was an emergency so I picked up "Talk to this guy, he is going to pay for everything at the snack bar, I just met him come!". I was like uhhh what I am I supposed to say to him. Nick puts the Japanese guy on the phone, "Hello, how are you?". "Good thanks, you", "Good". End of conversation, what the heck am I supposed to talk to this random guy about. Nick was desperate for me to go. I declined and he told me "Ok ok, next time for sho".
I don't know what "For sho" means, but I assume its his attempt at being a gangster again.
The next day I met him and he was hungover. He told me a story about how the night went. He told me he was making out with one of the hostess' and she asked where he worked. He said his school's name and she said "My daughter goes there, she is grade 9 and her name is Sayaka!" and Nick says "Oh shit! She's a hoe!". hahhha.
She stopped making out with him, but he reeled her back in and groped her boobs.

He must be looking at the medals.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

The Toxic Smell of Age

Old Lady English Teacher 

She was no Marry Poppins.

They made the other gaijin (foreigner) who worked at my school go to Mr.C's school (saying we had too many foreigners). So the other foreigner teacher leaves my school and I can't go to every single class cause both Japanese English teachers have classes at the same time.Then shortly after that the school felt they didn't have enough English teachers. They were down to one gaijin (foreigner) teacher, which was me. They hire this older lady to be an assistant and to help out in the classroom. I thought she had some history of English (perhaps been an English teacher a long time ago), but when I found out she couldn't speak a word I realized this wasn't going to be fun.
I recall one day sitting in the staffroom and she was staring at the clock. I wondered if she wanted to leave as much as I did. She started furiously going through English dictionaries (that were super dated perhaps from the turn of the century?) and asked if she could use my electronic Japanese-English dictionary (she never figured it out). After about an hour she came up to me "Can you teach me an English word?", "Of course", I answered. She asked me what "Seiko" meant. I answered "Sorry, I don't know what you are talking about". She pointed to the clock which had the word Seiko written on it. I tried not to snicker. Ummmmm.... Seiko is a Japanese company that makes watches and clocks. I wasn't sure how to answer without offending her. After all even though I am a foreigner she is still a senior citizen, I do have some manners. She looked at me intensely and asked, "Its English so I'm wondering what it means". I informed her it was a Japanese company that produced clocks and watches. "Oh, isn't that interesting", she answered. Not really I thought.

Seiko is not an English word FYI.

She was also socially awkward. By socially awkward I mean she was an old lady that was much older than all the other teachers, perhaps 3 generations older than the oldest teacher. She must have been a teacher at some point, retired, realized she needed to keep working and came back as a assistant teacher (but with the mindset she was the main teacher, in a topic she couldn't speak no less). 

I didn't mesh well with personality and her breath seemed like death. I remember her bringing in these weird herbs and saying that's what kept her so healthy looking, young, and smelling so fresh. I wanted to tell her, "Lady you look so old (like 90 even though you are 60) and you smell like manure, but I didn't. Yes very mean I know, but maybe I should have told her. I did try one of her herbs onetime and I felt super sick, I almost threw up.
We had a couple students that had constructed gas masks. Due to her breath being so toxic they would put them on during class. I couldn't stop laughing more than once. They weren't nice about it and asked her to move away from them cause she smelled so bad. I don't think she ever got the hint, cause when she stood within three feet of someone they would pinch their nose. I often wondered if she also was one of those people that drink their urine in the morning or wash their face with it. If the bad students had forgot their gas masks they would use a scarf and wrap it around their nose and mouth. I wondered if I could get away with doing the same.
I did my best to keep my mouth shut (literally and figuratively) about her smell and her personality. She drove me nuts due to 2 main reasons, she did not listen to the main English teacher, who asked her to not harass the worst students who would yell "YOU STINK, GET AWAY", but I would have to undo anything she taught the students one on one as it was incorrect. "Seiko" is clock in English she once said. I hope that student isn't still going around repeating it! I also heard her spell family as famiri one time. Good lord!

After her half a year at the school she was about to leave. She said she was going on a trip to Canada and since I was leaving that year, she was hoping I could drive her to Niagara falls.

After her repeated requests and invading my private space (right in my face), I finally told her, "Lady I told you already that I live in Vancouver. Do you know how big Canada is?" She thought Vancouver to Niagara falls was a twenty minute drive.

I told her Canada is the 2nd biggest country in the world. It would take days to reach that. Just to go to Alberta takes one full day! She was like "Nooo, it can't be that far. We can spend more time together and have a road trip". Trapped in a closed space with her, with no where to run, no way to escape a nose pinching smell that invades ones nostrils, I couldn't even imagine that.
I told her I didn't have a phone in Canada and left it at that.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Broken glass and Accidental Hatred

Broken Glass at Saizeria, I swear an accident

OK, so I guess I should do a break down of Saizeria. It is a cheap Japanese FAMILY restaurant. Its sort of like Denny's. It has a lot of food that is relatively cheap but not aimed at mostly breakfast foods like Denny's. They have a drink bar where you pay like $1.20 / 120 yen with any food and can drink all the coffee, tea, pop you want. Because of this its popular for Family's to just hangout especially for gaijin (Foreigners).  

Mmmm yummy and cheap. The two things important in life.

Ever since I started going there with either Anthony or someone else, we always somehow managed to confuse the waitress'. More than once Anthony would do his order in English and not use any Japanese, which confused them immensely. Sometimes the order was wrong and we would complain and ask for the correct food. So we totally screwed them over more than once.
I always felt like a jerk, cause in particular one girl seemed to get the brunt of the problems. I thought she hated my soul. I imagined that on my last day in Japan, I would go the restaurant give her $50 worth of yen and say, "Sorry for the 3 years, my friends are aces".

This story is about Nick and I. If you don't remember Nick I spoke about him in an earlier post of two. He is the Italian American guy that thinks he is a rap Superstar and crashed my scooter into a cement wall. Read above for that story.

Cheap wine, who doesn't like stained teeth?  We drank big1.

So one night Nick and I are studying for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test. Nick convinces me to go to Saizeria and then Nick comes up with this good idea to drink wine. I'm like uhhhh... OK. Wine + Study = Great results maybe? Or not!? We order our first massive bottle I think 800ml bottle for like 790yen /$8  and started to drink. I was giggling a bit, and not from the drinking. Nick had chosen the cheap red, I guess it was so cheap his teeth had turned purple. It didn't occur to me that my mouth may look like BARNEY the dinosaur inside. "Hey kids, let's have an drink, and its not apple juice har har".

Har Har kids, don't drink and study!

So we start drinking our wine and Nick thinks it would be funny to hit on the waitress. "Hey, what's your name tag say?". He says it in English and she doesn't get it, so he repeats it in Japanese. She is like "My name is Umeda Takako". He is like oh OK, cause I thought it said umi (ocean). "No, its Umeda", she answered. He said "Ok, that's nice. Can you get me some kancho (poke in the butt)?". She has no idea what he is talking about, but he wanted kanacho (spelling?), a hard Italian style bread dessert thing. In Italian its called biscotti, in English apparently we call it double baked bread, although I've never heard it called that. She doesn't know what he is saying cause he keeps repeating poke in the butt. He is laughing. Well the thing about Nick was he has this deep kind of evil laugh, so people usually laugh based on his laugh, or they get scared because they think he is going to murder them.
I can tell the girl was scared and not sure how to react. Finally Nick says "Ok ok, one more wine."
So the next wine comes out and I'm slightly intoxicated, not to mention my teeth looked like someone rubbed a purple crayon on them. I don't know if Nick was at that point, but he asks the waitress how to read some kanji (Chinese characters) on our study sheets. Then he looks up a pervert kanji and asks her how to read it. I think it was a male body part that produces 50% of the DNA to make life. I'm sure you can guess it.
I was really embarrassed but couldn't stop laughing. It wasn't only the wine, Nick was pretty funny, if not extremely rude.
Eventually after Nick harasses her all night, we decide to go. I swear I was tipsy which explains the rest of this story. I am not an evil person at all I swear! As we are leaving the table my hand slips on the glass and it starts falling to the ground, I tried to grab it and it slipped out of my hand went straight up into the air almost hit the ceiling and then fell down and smashed all over the place. I think the waitress was sure I did it on purpose. I felt so bad.
I tried to clean it up but she said its OK (typical Japanese style). There were pieces of glass everywhere. Nick starts laughing (which makes me look like I did it on purpose cause his laugh was more evil then normal and we left. She must have hated me.
We did go back a few more times in the next coming months. I didn't see her again, I hope I didn't cause her to quit. I never gave her the $50 worth of yen either.
Whoops! Then again she may have been confused again and thought the $50 was for Nick's poke he kept requesting for anyway.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

The Mispronouciation of a Word = Funny

Anthony and his Peni$ Butter with Shobana


Some names have been altered to protect those that like peni$ butter.

There are two versions of this story. The way I remember it originally told and the more enhanced version directly from the source. Either way both have been retold numerous times and received a few laughs.

Myles' Version
Although I don't recall the details precisely, the original story was told to me by Anthony over a few drinks. I do remember bugging Mr.Shobana numerous times about it over the next 2 years. Even after Anthony had left Japan.
Anthony goes to see Shobana at the Shiyakusho (city hall). He wants to ask for a reference letter. Anthony had ordered a large number of natural peanut butter jars from one of those overseas ordering companies with Mr.C from Texas.
He was trying to sell it to me and other people because he had so many. I thought he was joking at first. It was like he was an snake oil salesmen the way he was harassing us trying to sell it. I wasn't about to give him $12 for a glass container full of some "organic" peanut butter. I thought he must be joking. I can buy peanut paste or something similar at the dollar store. I don't care if its the best PB on earth I'm not paying $12 a jar!
Good luck selling your snake oil to someone else.

Organic Peanut butter. Too much money for my blood.

So when he goes to see Mr.Shobana, and he tells Mr.Shobana that he had bought a large number of peanut butter jars and asked if Mr.Shobana wanted to buy one.
Mr. Shobana responded "Peni$ butter? What is peni$ butter?", Anthony laughs and tells him, "Peanut butter". Mr. Shobana continues, "What is this peni$ butter, tell me what it is". Anthony thinks he is playing with him so he said "You know very well that its peanut butter and not peni$ butter'. Mr.Shobana is trying to be straight faced and says "Where does peni$ butter come from? I'd like some of this peni$ butter". Anthony is pretty sure Shobana is messing with him and says "Don't say that, you know very well its peanut butter". Mr.Shobana, "I have an interest in this peni$ butter". Anthony, "Don't say that again". Shobana, "Peni$ butter".  Anthony "I want a reference letter please and I'll give you some peanut butter".

Anthony's Version
I bought about 12 large jars of peanut butter, I think they were 12oz, each jar was quite large. It cost $120 so it was a major cash outlay on some peanut butter, but I had to do it because I knew that I wanted the natural stuff. You can't get good peanut butter in Japan. The only "peanut butter" Heiwado or Seiyu (grocery stores) have is a little tub of whipped and fluffy peanut spread, really sweet. There are those pre-packaged pb sandwiches at the combini's (7-11) though - those are pretty great. But I wanted to get some natural pb so I ordered it through this company that imports American groceries.

It arrived and I was thinking I'd better get rid of some of this peanut butter. I had packed it on the bottom shelf of my kitchen cabinet (I was lucky to have that cabinet - I begged for that from Shobana when I saw I had no furniture). I'm not going to give away all this expensive imported pb like a chump so I offered to sell a jar to a few ALTs (English Teachers), and I think Brendon and maybe Adam took me up on the offer. But that left me with a lot of peanut butter to eat on my own.

I was considering what to do with all this creamy brown when Shobana had to come over for some reason. It was that my air conditioner was whistling like a Portuguese fisherman and he finally came over to take a look at it.

Whistling kettle, almost like that.

 He didn't actually do anything but I felt like he deserved a taste of some proper peanut butter so I gave him a jar. You know, cultural exchange and all. And he got all embarrassed and started saying "what is this?" pretending he didn't know what peanut butter was. So I told him "It's peanut butter" and he says "Ah, pennis butter" in that Japanese way of pluralizing, so I said "yeah, pennis butter". So he just takes that and runs with it, like he's thinking "this Canadian wants to correct my pronunciation? I work 12 hours a day and he calls me out to his lavish apartment to look at his f*in air conditioner. I don't even have time to go to my daughter's dance recital." But he's a good natured fellow so instead he just says "Peni$ butter?" and that's how it all started. From that day on, every time I saw Shobana he would say "Thank you for the peni$ butter".


Nothing like the creamy brown!

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Arrival to Nagahama as part of Jet Programme!

Arrival to Nagahama, Shiga Prefecture Japan.
Yeah!

Nagahama dark green on the lake.

When we first arrived in our new city I was quite excited. Despite being a new environment and not knowing anyone well, I felt like it was a party. Well the party hit reality when I got to my new apartment. It was barren as the dessert and it smelled like paint. There was a tatami room(Japanese reed mats), a normal western style living room, a kitchen, and a tiny shower/bath. The shower/ bath seemed like a plastic box with a small sink beside it. The toilet was tiny in a room with a metal door with grates you could see through. Strangely it opened up to the kitchen. I thought it seemed like a weird place for a bathroom. Enjoy your food with some wonderful bathroom smells, mmm tasty!
There was also one large spare room as well with what looked like wooden floors. Lastly, there was a fridge in the kitchen with nothing inside. At least it was clean.
The smell of freshly painted walls was a little overwhelming at first. I imagine if you take a balloon of nail polish remover and stuck your head in it, that’s what it smelled like. On top of that the heat, oh the heat! If you could imagine the fires of hell that will partially explain to you what the heat of Japan is like. It penetrates your entire soul. Its so humid that when you come out of a shower and feel fresh as a daisy, you are immediately covered again in a sticky sweat. So imagine this heat and you think the only way to escape it is to hide in your apartment. The only problem is the smell of the paint mixed with the heat from hell is killing you. The heat makes the smell of the paint 10 times stronger. I was probably partially high during that first week now that I think of it.
Because I’m a social cat, I asked the other newbies from the building if they wanted to come over for a drink. I didn’t realize it at the time but none of us were drinkers. It seems funny now that I told everyone to drink. If I knew no one was a drinker I probably could have said let’s have a P and P party, pop and pizza. Although we’d have to replace pizza with something else, as Japanese pizzas usually consist of a 1mm crust covered with tomato sauce with corn on it.
We all sat down at my place in the living room inhaling paint fumes. That may have been what helped make it so much fun. Because I didn’t have any furniture most of us leaned on the walls(probably covering our clothes with paint), and a few in the center of the room. One guy let’s call him Mr.C was from Texas. His glasses were kind of coke bottle glasses. If you don’t know what they are Google it. They are basically thick glasses and look like they are made for comic effect. We found out Mr.C’s father was an optometrist. When one of the guys found that out he kept saying to me in private “If his father is an optometrist why would he make him wear those glasses? Has he ever heard of Lenscrafters?’.
After mentioning to everyone to be careful and not spill anything since this was my new apartment the worst happened. Mr.C split his drink all over my new floor. It may have been his glasses were too thick and he couldn’t see the floor, but that’s up to debate.
The floors themselves were quite odd. The looked like hard wood but when you walked on them they were not. In fact on top of whatever substance it was it seemed to be a layer of plastic film. Looking back on it now I think it kind of a linoleum that was coloured to look like hard wood. The weird thing though was the film on top of it. I’ve never seen that in any other country I’ve traveled to. When you walked on it, especially with sweaty feet, the plastic would tear itself off from the hardwood looking layer. I would often be pulling off chunks of plastic film from my feet. It was particularly hard to pull off when your feet were sweaty in summer and every step you take you feel like a plastic layer, or the skin on the bottom of your feet is about to peel off.
Mr.C’s spilling of alcohol and pop on the floor seemed to be like a corrosive acid to the plastic film and hardwood floor looking layer. I worried that the first day of this place and I’d already be dinged for damage deposit! Snap!

Our apartment "High Life". I'm not sure that was a good description.

Our apartments a collection of of 18 units was called “High Life Morii”. And yes, the side of our building actually had the words written in large letters “High Life Morii”. I can’t say there was anything high about it other than the smell of the paint in my unit. As for the Morii this referred to the older man Mr. Morii that spoke no English who owned it. Ironically for a person who owns 18 units he rented out 12 of them to foreigners. I often wondered if the city somehow tricked him into doing that. I often saw him dealing with problems that the foreigners were causing him. More on that later.
When we finally managed to dwell outside our foreigner kingdom castle (which had 2 sides covering it by rice fields) we ventured into the city to find a supermarket. We found a large supermarket and department store nearby called Heiwado which Chinese characters meant “The Peace Store”. Its symbol being 2 white doves. I wasn’t sure if I was about to walk into a place selling peace pipes or the Salvation army, but it turns out it was just an innocent name.
I had some stupid idea that when I moved to Japan I would start cooking amazing Japanese foods. Well first of all I don’t cook. Other than toast or cereal I don’t know how to cook a thing to save my life. As we entered Heiwado I looked at the fresh seafood section. For some reason my brain kept saying “Get something unique to Japan”. Well, not entirely unique to Japan but definitely cheap and something I wouldn’t ever cook at home, I saw octopus. How do you cook octopus? I had no idea, but I figured I’m in Japan I’ll have the motivation to find out. I picked up the biggest fattest tentacle I could find and threw it in my basket. Mission accomplished I thought.
I put that tentacle into my brand new fridge and left it there for over a month. I don’t know if there was an expiry date on it, but either way I didn’t care, I figured at some point I’d use it. After that month I realized there was a strong rotten fishy smell coming from the fridge. I wasn’t sure what to do so I didn’t investigate, instead I’d get in and out of the fridge as fast as possible. It was only when my girlfriend came from Canada that something changed. When she first entered the apartment she made a comment about a fishy smell. I was like “Oh hmm I don’t know what it is”. When she opened the fridge a few hours later she did a CSI investigation and realized that it was the month old tentacle. She threw it out, entirely scrubbed the fridge down and then put a special Japanese fridge deodorizer(similar to baking power) into the fridge. I would end up hearing complaints about the tentacle for another 3 years. She claims it still smelt after that time. I apologize to any future tenants of that apartment who may be using that fridge. 

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

  

The Scooter and The 3 Idioteers!

Accidents aren't usually funny, unless they involve someone getting hurt and its not me. Well, the accident the other day was a bit of both.

I bought a scooter for about $300 American. Seemed like a good deal, but it has a few holes in it, it has been in an accident or 2 but I thought it seemed OK. As long as the holes aren't in the gas tank, or I’ll be throwing money away. hahahhaha holes in the gas tank, that would be funny. Leaking behind me as I drive, it could be like in a movie I just need someone to light a match on my gas trail. Cool... until I blow up.

Not my exact scooter but similar "puke" green colour.

Well the girl I was buying it from was there, and she said I should drive it once to try it out, so I went around the parking lot as slow as I could, not only to not embarrass myself as I’d never ridden a scooter before, but also cause if there was some problem with it and I didn’t like it I better not damage it.

Later in the day I saw 3 Gaijin English Teachers hanging out. TR, Matt and Nick who asked if they could try it. Sure I thought, what’s the worst that could happen. Let me tell you from experience you should never think that way. Upon taking the scooter out, I turned it on and didn't turn the wheel away from the fence. As I gassed it, I accelerated full speed into the sharp fence and my leg got stuck between the fence and bike. I couldn't remember where the break was and kept accelerating. So I cut my leg, my hands were crunched into the fence and the bike kept going. I see the neighbours behind the fence went inside, possibly because they thought a Gaijin had just been released from the insane asylum. Maybe they were right. I was very embarrassed but laughed it off. They were all laughing too.

Nick asked for a go on it. He grabs it and does it a little turn, then all the sudden he accelerates at full speed and pops the front wheel into the air, it was completely vertical. I was thinking that is so funny, man he must be really good with this thing to feel confident at controlling it like that. Who in their right mind pops a wheelie(if that’s what you young ins call it these days).
Seconds later I realized he wasn't in control. He was heading for a cement wall at full speed. You might imagine a little scooter doesn’t go that fast, but yes, especially while popping a wheelie it can go. He smashed into the wall and the front tire crashed into the window of our apartment building. I was sure it broke/cracked. My bike crashed and fell down and the sound of many things shattering echoed in the parking lot. The other 2 were laughing except me and Nick. As I looked around at the chaos I noticed for the first time a 12 pack of beer on the ground. I guess they were all drunk, but I hadn’t picked up on it. I guess I don’t pay attention to detail (must be why my girlfriend always says I have Attention Deficit Disorder).
Nick got up and his hands were all crushed from the bike. I was thinking looks like he will have a lot of bruises. I saw him a week later and his hands were purple and blue. Oh well, serves him right, he broke my bike. Karma is a b#*@h.
The rear tail light was completely shattered on my bike. Likewise, the fender cracked off. I don't know what else except for paint chips, random pieces of metal all over the ground (where did all the metal come from? Probably not that important, just the screws holding my scooter together). He probably just added a few more holes as well, hopefully not in the gas tank. I was thinking it was my chance to just spray paint it a new colour as the puke green looked bad anyways.

Our building. Just behind the tan car he hit the window.

Nick didn’t want to seem less manly so he didn’t really say much about it.
A week later he told me he would give me about $20 bucks for the repairs.
I got a new tail light that cost $30, the chipped paint I didn’t do anything about. I decided it added character. As for Nick, well he didn’t give me the $20. He never really lived up to any of his promises, except for inserting me into one of his rap songs, where he made me yell about AK47’s, Glocks, and M16’s. I don’t even know what those are. 

Not Nick, but someone that looked like him.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva