A Soccer Kick to the Demon Student Part 1

"A Swift Kick to the Shin should level things out I thought".


Have you ever wanted to a soccer kick someone in the face?
I have.


One my evil students, one of the worst in the school did his best to see if I could contain composure while going off at me. Unfortunately for him, I couldn’t.
I cannot emphasize how terrible he was. I heard him say a lot of terrible things, swear at minorities (Brazilian/ and Me), be racist, punch or kick teachers, say sexual comments to female teachers and abuse other students. He was never reprimanded to my knowledge. When I asked why he such a bad kid, a few of the teachers told me “His parents are divorced”. Dude, are you kidding me? Get of jail card because his parents are divorced, seriously WTF!?

I recall one day while attending a gym class the gymnasium was split into two sections, one for basketball and one for volleyball. One of the psychologists was there. She was saying something to him and he grabbed the volleyball and threw it into her face. I was across the gym and I could still see the upset / hurt look on the psychologist’s face. She never came back to the school. I wish I could say it was the last day for me too.

Ouch, that hurts. 

I also helped out during gym doing Judo classes, as you know I am part Ninja. It was OK until his class showed up. I hoped since Judo is quite a dangerous sport he would not do anything stupid.
Of course, he was an idiot so I should have been thinking how to minimize the stupid things he is about to do.
We practiced a throw which involves putting your leg between the person’s leg and throwing them. This throw could be slightly altered however by turning the throw into a kick to the balls, and of course the person would jump, instead of get thrown.

See where the nut kick comes in? Doesn't feel good.

After witnessing him do this to a few of his friends, the head Judo teacher was laughing about it. I didn’t see humour in getting a guys balls kicked in, but he far outranked me, so I shut my mouth.
Finally the head teacher says all the kids will get to throw our foreigner judo teacher (me) with their favourite throw and to announce the throws name before they did it.
When I got to him, I saw a glint in his devilish eyes. He said “Uchi mata” the throw which I stated above can be turned to a ball kick. As he went to put his foot into my nuts, I jumped avoiding the kick to the nuts. He yelled out “WTF! THIS GUY IS A WIMP! He is afraid of me!”.
And guess what, I was! He’s becomes the devil’s spawn due to his parents getting divorced. Cue cry me a river by Justin Timberlake here please. I don’t recall any of my friends whose parents are divorced do that kind of crap.


One day while the school it was hot as hell, he was doing his typical mouthing off thing. Saying stupid things and harassing other students. The main English teacher had left the room to get some papers from the staff office.
This left me with the devil incarnate and twenty other kids. Another five of them being his demon friends with heat that did feel like the fires from hell.
This one particular day he decided to spray himself with perfume. I would like to say it was cologne since he is a man, but due to its smell I can only guess it was some old lady’s perfume.
There could have been a number of reasons he doused himself with this foul smelling crap. On the top of the list is that either he smelled like smoke because he liked to do underage smoking, or perhaps the later, that he was an ass and wanted to annoy and harass other students.
Might have been a combination.
I never liked the kid and felt like there was something very wrong with him in the head. The things I had seen him done and the way he interacted with the other kids told me he was one bad dude.
There was weekly psychologists there to assess the kids. I didn’t really have much contact with them, but they came in and had talks with the bad kids, or would watch them interact in classes. They didn’t really say much to me personally, although I did one time breakdown to one of them and told her I wanted to soccer kick one of the kids in the face. I wondered if that was right to tell her, or if I had teacher patient, school psychologist confidentiality. Probably not.
I would hope its not abnormal to want to kick someone in the face.
Everyone must want to do it at some point in time to someone right?

BLOG Part 2 next time...... for continuation

Click here for Part 2
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/2012/06/soccer-kick-to-demon-student-part-2.html

Ya like that. Only he sees it coming less.

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The Mispronouciation of a Word = Funny

Anthony and his Peni$ Butter with Shobana


Some names have been altered to protect those that like peni$ butter.

There are two versions of this story. The way I remember it originally told and the more enhanced version directly from the source. Either way both have been retold numerous times and received a few laughs.

Myles' Version
Although I don't recall the details precisely, the original story was told to me by Anthony over a few drinks. I do remember bugging Mr.Shobana numerous times about it over the next 2 years. Even after Anthony had left Japan.
Anthony goes to see Shobana at the Shiyakusho (city hall). He wants to ask for a reference letter. Anthony had ordered a large number of natural peanut butter jars from one of those overseas ordering companies with Mr.C from Texas.
He was trying to sell it to me and other people because he had so many. I thought he was joking at first. It was like he was an snake oil salesmen the way he was harassing us trying to sell it. I wasn't about to give him $12 for a glass container full of some "organic" peanut butter. I thought he must be joking. I can buy peanut paste or something similar at the dollar store. I don't care if its the best PB on earth I'm not paying $12 a jar!
Good luck selling your snake oil to someone else.

Organic Peanut butter. Too much money for my blood.

So when he goes to see Mr.Shobana, and he tells Mr.Shobana that he had bought a large number of peanut butter jars and asked if Mr.Shobana wanted to buy one.
Mr. Shobana responded "Peni$ butter? What is peni$ butter?", Anthony laughs and tells him, "Peanut butter". Mr. Shobana continues, "What is this peni$ butter, tell me what it is". Anthony thinks he is playing with him so he said "You know very well that its peanut butter and not peni$ butter'. Mr.Shobana is trying to be straight faced and says "Where does peni$ butter come from? I'd like some of this peni$ butter". Anthony is pretty sure Shobana is messing with him and says "Don't say that, you know very well its peanut butter". Mr.Shobana, "I have an interest in this peni$ butter". Anthony, "Don't say that again". Shobana, "Peni$ butter".  Anthony "I want a reference letter please and I'll give you some peanut butter".

Anthony's Version
I bought about 12 large jars of peanut butter, I think they were 12oz, each jar was quite large. It cost $120 so it was a major cash outlay on some peanut butter, but I had to do it because I knew that I wanted the natural stuff. You can't get good peanut butter in Japan. The only "peanut butter" Heiwado or Seiyu (grocery stores) have is a little tub of whipped and fluffy peanut spread, really sweet. There are those pre-packaged pb sandwiches at the combini's (7-11) though - those are pretty great. But I wanted to get some natural pb so I ordered it through this company that imports American groceries.

It arrived and I was thinking I'd better get rid of some of this peanut butter. I had packed it on the bottom shelf of my kitchen cabinet (I was lucky to have that cabinet - I begged for that from Shobana when I saw I had no furniture). I'm not going to give away all this expensive imported pb like a chump so I offered to sell a jar to a few ALTs (English Teachers), and I think Brendon and maybe Adam took me up on the offer. But that left me with a lot of peanut butter to eat on my own.

I was considering what to do with all this creamy brown when Shobana had to come over for some reason. It was that my air conditioner was whistling like a Portuguese fisherman and he finally came over to take a look at it.

Whistling kettle, almost like that.

 He didn't actually do anything but I felt like he deserved a taste of some proper peanut butter so I gave him a jar. You know, cultural exchange and all. And he got all embarrassed and started saying "what is this?" pretending he didn't know what peanut butter was. So I told him "It's peanut butter" and he says "Ah, pennis butter" in that Japanese way of pluralizing, so I said "yeah, pennis butter". So he just takes that and runs with it, like he's thinking "this Canadian wants to correct my pronunciation? I work 12 hours a day and he calls me out to his lavish apartment to look at his f*in air conditioner. I don't even have time to go to my daughter's dance recital." But he's a good natured fellow so instead he just says "Peni$ butter?" and that's how it all started. From that day on, every time I saw Shobana he would say "Thank you for the peni$ butter".


Nothing like the creamy brown!

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Camping in Floods, that sounds fun!

Camping in Tsuruga Japan
Paradise or hell?

Camping in Flooded area, That sounds fun.

I went on a camping trip with my friend Anthony (also Canadian), Chiaki (who is a girl that speaks many languages), my girlfriend, Anthony's girlfriend and Chiaki's friend (don't know her name but she was silent and allergic to the sun, yes to the SUN!). So I heard the beaches (maybe bitches too) were super hot in Tsuruga. That sounded nice since Chiaki and Anthony's girlfriend had a car. It was a relatively close drive. The idea was to go there, and then go to some awesome campsite not too far away from beach (and the bitches). Well, it sounded great in theory (especially the bitches).
The trip there was OK, I was in Anthony's girlfriend's car. As I recall nothing that great happened in the car, except that Anthony's girlfriend was loving my jokes (which are not too funny as you probably already know based on my writings on this blog). Anthony later told me his girlfriend kept saying she thought I was hot. I was like uh OK. He said she never shuts up about it, which I guess explains why she laughed at everything I said including directions. "Turn left soon". Her response "Hahaha you are so funny." I was WTF, its a direction not a joke.
Finally when we got to the beach, it was beautiful except for the wood chips and small sticks and other crap floating in the water (I didn't see any bodies but there could been, it was cloudy).

The water was covered in debris. At least it looked nice here

Apparently there had been a major flood and it dumped this crap into the ocean. The beaches were also covered with with wood-chips, sticks etc near the tide line. The beaches would have been paradise if not for the weird things on the beach. There was a large number of Brazilians there though, sleeping in tents on the beach. They seemed a little scary. When I thought about it they probably liked us more than the Japanese on the beach. My reasoning with this is that the Japanese probably thought the Brazilians were weirder than us. On the other hand, the Brazilians and us had a lot in common being foreigners. We were both outsiders, and didn't fit into the cultural norm. I believe that them sleeping on the beach was a cultural faux pas. 

Sorry no bikini babes. I save those for me ;P

 So after playing on the beach, burying Anthony as deep as we could like he was a sandcastle and such, we decided to go to the campsite.

When we got there, it was mass chaos. The whole campsite was wet and covered in logs and weird crap. It was like the beach only worse. I forget the exact price but I think it was like 100$ a night. I remember Anthony asking me to ask for a discount, which the guy laughed at and didn't do of course.

So we start to setup our tents. Anthony had bought a tent just for this trip, I think it was a two man tent. By two man that meant two small Japanese men, not one large foreigner and his girlfriend. Chiaki had a 5 person tent for Nancy, me, her and her friend.

At night after millions of mosquito bites we went to bed. Since I had been in the ocean and my skin was all salty I decided to shower. I guess that was the wrong choice because there was no hot water, which I didn't know until I was standing under the shower head and pulled. It felt like I was taking a shower on top of Mt.Everest. It was so cold I couldn't close my fingers or rub the soap properly. To complicate things there was no privacy really as the only area the shower covered was a 4 inch area crotch height. I have no idea how girls took a shower without exposing their bosoms. Based on how cold it was, they probably sucked it up and didn't shower. Ice showers are terrible. I kept thinking at least once I get into my cozy sleeping bag I'll warm up, its not like I want to get hypothermia.
As I got in my sleeping bag in the tent I tried to think of something warm. The only bad thing was that after about 30 minutes it started to rain. Earlier we had been saying, "Its such a nice day, why would we need a rain guard". I'll tell you, from now on I'm always putting a rain flap on.

I guess Anthony's tent wasn't made for the white devil gaijin (foreigner) cause he couldn't get comfortable. He told me later his feet were actually getting crushed by the frame of the tent. I did see his feet sticking physically outside of where the tent ended. He was bending the tent by having his legs straight. He claimed he didn't sleep a wink, but that probably wasn't because of that. More likely his girlfriend wanted some McLovin'.

So my sleeping bag sucked and was too short, so at first it was a hard sleep. Then, after some rustling, I was able to enter la la land. Then suddenly, I awoke to being drenched in water. As I slept, the rain came down and drenched me. In addition the ground was wet already and we had put our tent in a really bad spot where the water would all collect on my side. It felt like a river was washing over me. I tucked myself in the fetal position and tried to sleep. But there was no hope in that cold dark place, soaking wet. I started to hallucinate I was in a dungeon. The tent was leaking from the inside and there was a drip like Chinese water torture upon my brow. So my face was covered in freezing water and the puddle in the tent was getting bigger and it wasn't just me getting wet. I tried to sleep through it, but its like peeing on an electric fence, it won't work. Finally Chiaki says "I'm soaked, lets put rain cover on tent". I said OK, and as we fumbled in the dark for the tent zipper, but I couldn't find it. I guess Chiaki had put her head in the doorway and I didn't notice so when I yanked the zipper really hard her hair got stuck. I didn't realize I did it, but her head was sideways and she seemed to be moaning. Since she didn't say anything I kept yanking the zipper back and forth and it seemed to be stuck on something. After 2 minutes or so she told me her hair was stuck in the zipper and asked if I could stop moving the zipper up and down. It was tearing her hair out. I started laughing cause it was so ridiculous. At that point everyone else in the tent was woken up by my laughing. Then for the first time I noticed clumps of her hair in my wrinkly and wet hands. I tried to pull her hair from the zipper and the tent caved in! It was terrible! The whole roof fell down. Not only was her hair stuck in the zipper but I couldn't get it out. Finally I grabbed the roots of her hair and I said "Listen, I'm going to try to save a bit of your hair my holding it at the roots and ripping the hell out of the zipper. This may hurt a little." Thinking back I should have told her "Going to hurt a lot, like a real son of a bitch".

Finally her hair came loose, but I lost a bit more in the zipper, possible pieces of her scalp-line too. I didn't notice till the next day but there was a patch of hair missing where I had torn the roots from her skull. If you are reading this, I still feel sorry about that. 

We stepped out of the tent and it was raining hard and freezing cold. 

We re-erected the tent and went to bed soaked. One of the worst nights of my life.

I guess the only person's worse was Chiaki, aside from the pain, she didn't even have enough hair to keep her warm anymore. Damn!

That's what I wanted to do after the camping experience. No sleep = total suck

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva