Tentacles and Testicles yum!

 Tentacles and Testicles yum!

A lot of Japanese think Gaijin (foreigners) are weird. And let’s face it, they aren’t wrong.

If you’ve lived in Japan, you would probably agree that they are more than a few messed up gaijin. By a few, I mean like as in almost all. Very few normal. Most are completely off their rocker.

They aren't just weird to the people of Japan. They are weird to me too. I wouldn't be caught dead being friends with a lot of them in Canada. This is the story of one of those types of individuals.

For some reason Japan is like a magnet for weird gaijin.

They are attracted to Japan like slugs are to beer (only faster! And that’s a useful tip about slugs should you be having problems with them in your garden, they get drunk and die).

So why do the weirdos conjugate in Japan?

That’s a question that’s hard to answer. but I think it has to do with a wide variety of fetishes.

In my case the apple didn’t fall from the tree.

I thought I was a samurai and could carry a sword around and occasionally fight ninja. To my dismay, neither exist anymore (total bummer). I did carry a broom stick around and pretended it was a sword a few times. I contemplated pretending I was Harry Potter and riding a broomstick too, but then I remembered I'm not six years old (another bummer!).

On the other side of the spectrum (or street), you will find people who have a fetish for anything, Be it manga, anime, cosplay, videos games, Japanese girls, tea, martial arts. Whatever floats your boat as they say.  

Japan has something to offer every nerd, weirdo or nut.

I remember about a guy who was sitting with a bunch of girls at a bar (my wife with him. She’s not Japanese by the way). While the girls were in mid talk he said “Does anyone like tentacle porn?”. I can’t imagine someone with a correctly functioning brain saying that. He must have had a few screws loose. I guess he already wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed.

I thought common sense dictates you don’t ask a girl if they like porn. Chances are they don’t. And even if they do they aren't going to tell you. And tentacles? Common dude. Why would a girl like tentacles? You are into some weird stuff (might I offer you a broomstick and you can pretend you are Harry Potter?).

Not the kind of stuff I'm into, but other people are.

As for tentacle porn you would have to be pretty mentally sick to be into that (I wasn't. For once I wasn't into something demented). I had to look it up and I wasn't really sure what it meant, but after reading about it, its worse than I could have imagined.

Its just tentacles and porn. And by tentacles I mean like octopus tentacles and just the tentacles in sexual acts, seriously its twisted, more twisted than a pretzel (lame joke I know).

And this gruesome question asked to five lovely ladies. Pfffft!!!

I guess the tentacles was the fetish that attracted him to Japan.

I knew he was pretty messed up but I can’t blame him a lot of people were. I knew some dudes who were playing Warhammer 2909 and dungeons and dragons in their closets and they were adults. Not cool.

Sadly I went down this road and am scarred (and scared too) for life.

On a side-note which has nothing to do with this story except the word octopus tentacles.

I was at a restaurant one time and they had a menu with limited English. All seemed well until I came to tako wasa, octopus tentacles which was translated as octopus testicles.

I wasn't sure I wanted to test it incase the English translation was correct.

I ate it anyways. It tasted what I imagined testicles to taste like.

A rubbery texture like skin and takes a lot of chewing.  

Gross.

Is this what your children are playing with? Better than eating them raw.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Driver's License for Rejects

Driver's License for Rejects Please

I always do stupid things, I can't seem to learn. Like her!

In this case the story is about me. I wasn't sure if I should just Driver's License for idiots, or something a little less politically correct, or maybe even say for special needs to be more polite.

In this case who is the special needs? Well, surprise! Its me.

Why?

I always think I'm really smart, but in reality I'm not (as you may know from previous blog posts). This is reinforced to me whenever I do something stupid. My wife reiterates to me it was very stupid and why it was stupid in hopes that I can learn not to do it again. She hopes, but I don't learn.

After half a year in Japan my co-worker and I (an American who lived in the same building complex) decided to buy a car.
We were biking everyday to school and it just wasn't working.
Don't get me wrong, as I've mentioned in previous posts, while Granny bikes with baskets with no gears aren't cool, they are definitely convenient. You can put groceries in the basket and feel like you are the Wicket Witch of the West (my pretties!).

The problem was the weather. We could never catch a break. It was either too cold or too hot and we always ended up at school last minute or usually late (not due to any fault on my behalf I might add).

In the summer I'd get to school panting like a dog. My shirt literally dripping with sweat. Let me tell you my body hair definitely did not help the matter. I'm like a freaking monkey. Its not hard to see lack of evolution on my body, perhaps I didn't evolve and that's the problem.

In Winter I'd bundle layer and layer of clothes to try to retain some standard of warmth within my soul. I'd be freezing when I came to work and have to slowly move my joints near a heater to move again. And those heaters are full of kerosene so they stink and probably cause brain damage (I felt that was a good reason for my brain damage and I used as an excuse to my wife).

And hence, we decided to buy a car. In this case, we decided to split the cost of a K-Car (or Kei car in Japan, basically light car). A mini car that is good on gas and easy to drive (for any idiot, me yeah!). Remember that in Japan the steering wheel and roads are opposite to North America. That didn't go well the first few drives. The ditches were like a hole through the Earth, like when a child tries to dig a hole to China, only 100 times deeper.

Since my co-worker was American his International Permit was only valid for one year and mine as well. Our only hope was for me to get a Japanese Driver's license. You see Canada is lucky in the fact we have a driving treaty with Japan. If you show your Canadian valid license you just need to pass a few minor tests and you get one.
In the case of American, Australians etc, you need to do the whole full test thing. Go through tedious driving tests much stricter than at home. What degree is the temperature inside the car and out by gauging with your tongue? I couldn't get that one.

Since it was easiest for Canadian's I thought..... let's do it (mother trucker).

I went to the license centre in a nearby town.
"OK, do you speak Japanese?", he asked.
"Yes, a little", I humbly replied.

"Fill out this questionnaire and then give it back", he said.

I looked at the questionnaire.
1). How many CC's was the car you drove on your test day?
I don't even know what CC's mean. Canadian Club and Coke?
2). What was the make and model you drove on your test day?
No clue, it was from the driving school.
3). What was the season you drove your car in during your test?
I thought I could calculate that by the date the license was issued. "Fall kind of", I wrote. Precise!
4). What was the tire on the vehicle?
Again, no clue. Round? And made of rubber. Incase he didn't know.
5). Was the gas tank full when you drove?
I don't know why its relevant unless they ask you to simulate an emergency with bullets shooting in the gas tank. Again no clue. It was empty, the driving test couldn't proceed and they passed me.
Not funny maybe.

The other questions were mundane (ya cool word for simple).

As I finished the remaining questions he told me its time for an eye test.

He explained to me very slowly what I was to look for like I was an idiot. The best part I am.

"So picture one what do you see?", he asked.
"A letter C", I answered.

He was silent.
"There is no letter C on this test, what do you see?", he asked again.
"A yellow C", I answered.

"No you don't", he said.

But I did.

He changed his description of what I was supposed to do, the space where is it, which I kept describing as C cause that seemed most logical to me (am I Spock?).
"OK must be a language issue. The space, where is the space on the character?" (I wish he added in "you stupid foreigner").
"Its a C facing up", I told him.
"Now a C facing down", I told him.

He sighed a few times, gave up explaining, and told me I passed.
He thought there was a language barrier, but little did he know I was just a reject (idiot).

It occurred to me in Canada, our eye exams include a letter board full of the English alphabet, some big some small, they ask you to read out the letter they point at.

More smaller letters than this. Lean forward to cheat.

In Japan, I think the point was it was supposed to be a small circle with a small missing out of it, to me a letter C. The point being that you specify which part of the circle is missing, in my case saying the direction of the C.

Ya Luke Skywalker, you rebel scum!

In the end it didn't prevent my co-worker from driving without a license.
I'd often come out looking for the car to pick my wife up from the train station late at night and the car was gone.
A few times I thought it was stolen but he told me he took out for dinner. I was astonished as he had no license.
I shouldn't have bothered with the test and made him drive everyday.
In the end the car started to fall apart, I didn't need to press the gas peddle and it would go on its own.
We didn't want to waste money on repairs so we paid to have it scrapped. I suggested it was a waste of money and we should just drive it off a cliff or into the lake (ideally not whilst inside, although it could be fun if we didn't die).

He told me that was bad thing to do, which I reminded him he was driving around illegally without a driver's license which is not really much different.

Oh boy! A true idiot.

Other funny stories from this blog
 http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Free Meals Have a Catch

Free meals have a catch

Sometimes bigger than others

I think I've come to the right place!

When my girlfriend told me one of her students owned a sushi restaurant and invited us to come for dinner I was excited.

Little did I know what I was in for.

I thought, perhaps she’d give us a few pieces of few sushi or sashimi for free, but once we arrived her husband (the chef), had prepared a feast for us. How could I say no? Maybe I should have. There's always a catch isn't there?

It started off with crab brain, which is not really my style, but thanks (in this case I hoped you are what you eat became true. Smart as a .....crab?). Salmon, tuna, crab, and then…… I noticed my shrimp was twitching. Perhaps it’s a reaction to the soy sauce I thought; it’s rather salty after all. Didn’t I learn that in my molecular biology class (that’s a joke. I’m an idiot and didn’t take that).

But it seemed like my food was still alive. I had never heard of that before, but different strokes for different folks as they say. I wasn’t sure what to do. It seemed like my shrimp was dancing on the plate and about to jump off.

I then saw a fish head that seemed to be talking to me, “Don’t eat me, I’m still alive”. It didn’t say that but I hallucinated it did. Maybe I inhaled too much soy sauce or my dream came true that my brain was transforming into mushy crab brain.

I looked again at the shrimp. I wasn’t sure what to do. The head was on and the tail but the middle part of the shell had been removed. I reached forward. I was a little hesitant to have a live shrimp bouncing around my innards so I grabbed the head and was about to twist it off. “Don’t waste it!”, said the sushi chef angrily. "Ummm…. dude it’s like alive", I thought about saying.

I thought the chef might be crazy mad. I wasn't sure if I could ask him to redo it, so its not alive would be good.

He looked at me like I was some sort of monster, wasting the Holy Grail. In reality I was thinking he was the monster, keeping animals alive whilst eating them. It could been worse and been dog I guess (which I think I might have almost eaten in Korea. Not alive though).

I removed the shell off the tail as it jerked around in my mouth. Yum, tastes like parasites I thought. Perhaps I should have added more salty soy sauce to clean it. The chef seemed to be watching my reaction. 

“Dancing Shrimp”, he told me. Oh……aaah… great?

I was thinking more like “Soon to be thrown up shrimp”. You see raw shrimp tastes like licking a toe, not that I’ve ever done that (or at least consciously that I can remember). I think my brain is turning into crab brain.

After dinner they asked what I thought, “absolutely delicious”, I lied through my teeth.

Would you like to come again sometime they asked?

Absolutely NOT I was thinking. 

“Of course!”, I answered with a sigh.

Perhaps I should have just gone with "I found out I'm allergic to shrimp".

If you are interested here is my live shrimp video. Click below. Its 9 seconds of your life wasted.

Incidentally, (I like that word, makes me feel smart) I uploaded it and it become a viral video on youtube.

If you read through the comments they are rather rude but some are funny. I didn't enjoy the ones where the odd person told me they planned to skin me alive and eat me (aside from the pain, it sounds perverted).

Click on the picture or this link to see my live shrimp video. Waste of 9 seconds of your life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgPE-o4n3dk


Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Yoga on The Sun, Sorta

As we arrived in Japan the weather hit me like a session of hot yoga. The heat at 40 C (I don’t know that in Fahrenheit for our American friends but its about as hot as the sun). Like yoga you are sweating in the heat and your body is in weird positions. In Japan, you fit yourself into packed trains, buses, and shove your bags into any crevices available. And sweat like butter melting in a frying pan.

After the initial arrival at the airport, we all crammed into a bus like sardines in a can (does anyone enjoy my numerous similes? Cause I do). That's a big word look it up.

"Nothing to see here, we can put a few more on. Find a spot folks."

If their intention was to wow and woo us with their incredible hotel & amazing views, they did a stellar job. I was bedazzled (like Brendan Frazier in the movie Bedazzled). The only thing that would have been nicer would be air conditioning between the bus and the hotel so I didn't keep sweating.

Who knew the devil looked this good. Hot! Like yoga ;-)

I knew there were many personalities in the types of gaijin (foreigner) about to embark to the land of the rising sun (that’s supposed to be poetic and it means Japan if you didn't know). I just didn't know what kind of personalities I would run into.

When I came from Canada I had been lucky enough that I had some friends from my University going to Japan on the same program. I guess I hit oil cause I was double lucky. My initials matched one of my friends. The seats were picked according to alphabetical order. So I got to sit with him.

There is a reason I'm telling you this, don’t worry, just keep rolling with it.

Once at the hotel, it happened the rooms were also chosen by country and alphabetical order, so again my friend was in my room. I thought it was going to be awesome until I realized there were 2 beds and a roll-away bed (cot), but only two of us. “Hells no!” I'm not taking the roll-away. It will damage my spine and hip alignment (although in all fairness I had not yet cracked my ribs and spine so I may have been OK. Refer to other blogposts to understand). 
I jumped in one bed and threw all my stuff on it with my shoes on (ha!), I'm a jerk as you know. They didn't have dog poo on them (this time mwahahahaa evil laugh).

One minute later a gigantic dude walked into the room, sweating worse than me. By gigantic I mean, like an Ogre from Lord of the Rings. The body odour was the worst I've ever experienced (rather like an Ogre’s actually). I considered throwing up into my hands then smelling it, in hopes it might smell better. Purify his putrid stench (more poetry terms).

We received a large package of training events. It said something along the lines of mandatory attendance please join eight out of ten events.

I didn't think it should be trouble for me as I had lived in Japan before. As for the other people, they were like a fish out of a pond (I seriously love these similes, I may write a book about them).

My friend in my room informed me he would probably sleep due to jet-lag and lots of drinking on the plane so he was skipping the events (he said ideally for the whole three days).

After one day of easy “you will have the worst culture shock ever course” I went to the free lunch. I love free everything as you know. Its the bane of my existence. I headed to lunch, but none of my friends were around (sleeping or drinking perhaps) and I didn't have anyone to sit with. I was the uncool kid wanting to sit with the cool kids. I saw one table with people full of smiles (Canadians maybe!?). I headed to the table. I couldn't guess where they were from by looking, but as soon as the Southern drawl (accent) from Texas came out, I knew where two of them were from.

Our main course came out which happened to be Japanese curry and rice. If you don’t know what it is, it’s basically Indian curry, but not strong and no spicy flavour to it.

“I don’t wanna be eating this mud. I thought those Japanese eat sushi”, she said. Oh lord, she is in for a surprise I snickered. 
‘I expected the Samurai’s to greet us and all ya’ll”, she said. She said that with a straight face I might add.

I almost spat my curry out, is this girl for real? It was delicious and I didn't want to waste it. Who says that? I was grabbing at the curry sauce splashing out my of cheeks and pushing it back into my mouth.
She sounded a bit riceist to me (that's a lame joke, sorry. Curry and rice so go with it).

On top of that I had never heard anyone used both all and ya’ll in combination. Sounded abnormal. I know I was about to be an English teacher and my English sucks, but look at her.

I shut my mouth and ate my curry while enjoying the show. Everyone introduced themselves and one of the “all ya’ll” Texas girls stated she had never been out of Texas and this was her first visit internationally. Someone piped up even Canada? (A Canadian probably) and she stated no not even there.

I didn't see her again although I heard through the grapevine later (through another Texan) that she made it for two months then went back to Texas. Ouch!

I should have known, if she expects Samurai and only sushi 24/7 she came to the wrong place.

As for my friend, he didn't attend any courses and he asked me to write down his name on some of the attendance sheets so it appeared he was there. Smart guy.

He started to go out drinking at nights and he ended up getting stuck with the roll-away. I pitied his hips and spine alignment.

I thought it was funny, so the last night when he came back from drinking I took what I thought were empty beer bottles and surround him with them while he was sleeping. It was hilarious and I took pictures.

But it turns out a few of them had beer in them though, so he got covered in beer and so did his bed.

He probably thought he peed himself and I didn't tell him the truth.

Ha! I enjoyed thoroughly.

As a bonus his beer pee smell counter attacked the sweaty ogre's smell.

If you see this dude in your room, hold your breath. Or get someone to pee on their bed to mask the flavour and scent.



Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Avoid getting molested

Avoid Getting Molested.

It ain't that fun (Well...usually).

Oh groundskeeper Willy how can you not love him?

After two years at my school I had the teachers personalities pinned. I knew who the party animal was, who the hardcore nerd was and everything inbetween. When drinking in Japan people really change and they let their ambitions fly (or maybe I should say drop. They dropped them like a hot potato). Most people don’t seem to regret anything they did the next day. I usually regretted everything I did, which was always drinking too much and saying stupid things (saying stupid things is everyday of my life though). And by drink too much I meant two beers or girly fizzy drinks.

I went home to Canada for a short trip after two years in the summer. When I came back I was at the school one day by myself with the vice principal. It was a little weird, since he didn’t seem to like foreigners and usually avoided me like I was infected with the black plague (although I might be. I always forget to have it checked).

I showed up to work at 8:30AM sharp as always. As you know in summer the kids don’t come to school and that day apparently neither did anyone else. Just me and the groundskeeper. I’d like to call him Willy. Groundskeeper Willy, but he was Japanese so let’s call him Tanaka. Groundskeeper Tanaka and I were keeping it real in the office, sitting around drinking tea (because that’s what people do in Japan). The vice principal who must have been at work but somewhere else in the building came into the office. He walked up to me “He betrayed us didn’t he?”. I had no clue what he was talking about. Although he never made sense even to the other teachers I was told. I had heard repeat stories about his mumbling and nonsensical statements. I wondered if this was one of them.

The guy never talks to me after two years and then says that and doesn’t explain himself. So I ran after him, "Sorry I don’t understand the topic". He kept mumbling about how he did it, he betrayed us.

I’m like great another student issue, those mother truckers.
 

Mother Truckers, I've had enough of those kids and their issues.

Then he looked at me with a stunned look. "Didn’t you read the newspaper?". Read the newspaper? Mother trucker I live in a foreign country and you write your newspapers in a combo of three alphabets, (Chinese characters) Kanji, Hiragana (for Japanese words) and Katakana (for foreign words). I responded politely with a smile, “No sir, I do not read the humble newspaper”. I threw the word humble in to make it more polite, although I'd never heard a Japanese say it that way, so perhaps it was also nonsensical. Moreover, the actual reason was because even if I could read I wouldn’t pay the cost for one (don't you know how cheap I am after two years with me?).

He grabbed a newspaper from beside the tea pot like with a determination like it was the end of the world. I was more interested in the tea and hoped he’d pour me some while he was up there. I guess I was a foreigner though, so probably below him to serve me. Fine I thought once he turns his back I’m pouring my own. And maybe refill his while I'm at it, where is his damn (humble) cup!

He handed me the paper and pointed out an article about molestation (yes, sadly I know the word in Japanese "Chikan"). Not a topic I knew anything about besides the word (no jokes about that, not going there).

"A vice principal hereby not being named which was formally at middle school in Nagahama city in Shiga prefecture, molested a girl and was placed under probation promising he will return to face charges. At the scene of the fire he saw a women run out from a fire, since she was suffering from smoke inhalation he took advantage of her and molested her chest using his elbows."
Oh, score I guess I can read the newspapers, I didn't know that.

But why am I reading this story? Its not one with a happy ending.

I didn’t understand the elbow part either, and asked him what it meant. What the heck is molesting with an elbow? I looked at groundskeeper Willy (I mean Tanaka) for support. He drank his tea in silence (I think pretending not to see me staring at him).

The vice principal explained a former teacher from our school was the culprit. I said oh. Who was it I asked. He told me the name. I freaked out a little (but no I didn't pee my pants if that's what you heard. THIS TIME!).

I had been with him quite a few times without others around. Especially dark areas with little or no light. He also asked me out for tea once (cause that's what people do in Japan) in a total bromance kind of way (we are both straight. I THINK). 
I wondered if he was trying to seduce me (he was doing a good job starting with tea).

I looked at the vice principal with a serious look. He didn’t molest me, if that’s why your telling me this, I informed him. He gave me a strange look of puzzlement. He explained that many parents also deduced (solved) who it was. They were worried about their kids having been molested. I said oh, OK. I thought you were worried about me.

He answered not so much and walked away. That's a joke, he just walked away, but I'm sure he didn't care, if he did he would have poured me some tea.

Groundskeeper WIlly (Tanaka) and him left the office, the office phone rang. 

No one to pick it up. Crap!

I wasn’t sure what to do. I yelled down the hallways, “Uhhhh the phone is ringing! Hello? Anyone alive....?”. No answer.

Molester must have got them.

I decided to answer the phone. “Hello this is blah blah middle school and you are speaking to a foreigner how can I help you today?”. The person must have misheard who it was because they started blabbing to me in intelligible local dialect. My listening skills have never been as good as my speaking (the same as my English. Its called "selective listening", I don’t care what anyone has to say. I just want to talk only my wife says).

So I answered with the following....

"I’m sorry to inform you that the honorific chair of Mr.Molester’s name (unsure if that's who she is even asking for) is unoccupied at the moment. His whereabouts unknown (Perhaps hiding from the police).

Therefore please call back when there are Japanese people in the office (or anyone that cares what you have to say cause I don't)."

The vice principal came back shortly after.

“Oh um there was a phone call”, I said.

“Who was it?”, he asked.

I thought about this and tried to think of something funny to say.
Instead something stupid came out.

“The molester”, I answered.

“He betrayed us”, he said sternly.

“Ya thanks, I got that the first time”, I answered. 

Like a broken record this guy.

I decided not to tell him it wasn't the molester, I did laugh though.

I repeat DO NOT MOLEST THE ALLIGATORS!

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Your Breath Stinks!

Your Breath STINKS!
I guess I could have also added, what else is new?

I tend to brush my teeth after eating in the morning.
My theory behind this is simple. Food gets in your teeth, coffee whatever else. Clean it after its dirty.
I do understand that a lot of people wake up, think "Man my breath stinks" and go to brush their teeth.
My wife is lucky I don't lean over for a kiss each morning. Ha!

Common how bad could it be? Someone sit near me please. 
I want friends too!

Well, I did brush my teeth a lot (not rarely if there are any rumours going around) but it never seemed to help me much in Japan.
I ate so much seafood and fermented food my breath was becoming a bit of a nightmare. By nightmare, I mean like on Elm street (its a reference to a movie if you didn't know). If you don't know look it up.

When I a student in Japan, I lived with a host family that liked to offer me for breakfast the following;
Miso soup with seaweed
Natto (fermented soy beans)
Dry crab (or maybe crap if the translation was correct).
Fish (usually salmon) and jako (small dried fish mixed with peanuts) on rice.

Natto! Well it looks kind of like snot. And the best part, it kind of tastes like it too! Snap!

It was a recipe for disaster. Not only on my bowels, but also on my breath.
I read onetime natto is supposed to clean your G.I tract (stomach). I'm thinking if snot doesn't clear you out, why would heavier snot?

One day, while on the train with my Canadian friend, we were sitting close as the train was busy. Always good if beautiful girls, bad if hairy sweaty guys. I will count my friend as the latter of the two.

"Dude what did you eat for breakfast?", he asked.
"I dunno some seafood and stuff", I answered.
"Your breath stinks. It smells like the ocean", he scowled while covering his mouth.
Which was probably a hint that he wanted me to cover my mouth. Or perhaps put a paper bag over my face. Ideally a plastic bag then it blocks more and then I suffocate, die, and the smell stops.

I thought about it for a minute. I guess I did eat things that would make it stink like the ocean.
Its hard to remove the smell from your teeth and also you can't rub the insides of your stomach with bleach (although some weird people do which I saw on TV, but don't do it). They literally drink bleach and take a bath in it too. Not good for your health FYI.

I asked him what he ate for his breakfast everyday, since I detected a neutral flavour on his breath.
"Toast dude! Why don't you try it? I don't think I can sit beside you. Seriously your breath is unbelievable!". He scowled again.

I continued eating the seafood breakfast almost everyday. I did enjoy cereal when I was offered it, although I always found the milk tasted sour. Seems like people sat closer to me when I ate cereal too, so that was a bonus. Especially if girls and not hairy guys.

One other time when we were on an overnight trip to Hiroshima we shared a room. He asked me when I was going to brush my teeth. I wasn't too sure why he had a keen interest in my teeth brushing activities.
Finally I told him "soon". I left the door partially open and he pushed it and grabbed his toothbrush.
So much for privacy I thought.
"I have a suggestion for you, brush you tongue it might help your breath". I tried, after he mentioned but it was still terrible. He felt the need to go further by stating possibly its not the seafood breakfast I blamed it on and its just my breath.
Haha!

I always wondered why he didn't want to share a room with me after that. He conveniently didn't take the train with me much anymore either.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from my blog
 http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva 

Wake up time to fight!

Are you passed out?
Wake up its time to fight.

Ask this guy, not me. I'm passive.

So I've always been a very passive person, I've never been in any fights except when I was a kid the odd bully here and there, but no street fights or anything.

I was invited by a "group" to go on a road trip to Osaka. I thought its a great time to bond with them so why not, they aren't the rowdy type and what good times will await. With my luck, usually not good ones.
We rented a bus and the bus was full of males and females, all Japanese except me. It was semi like a party bus we have in North America and you can drink on it.
I don't want to mention any names or get anyone in trouble so I'll say "this group".
Whilst (that's British for while) on the bus I sat in the back enjoying my girly drink, yes because I am the opposite of tough and have an allergy to beer I drank fizzy pop like drinks. Get over it.
A few of the rather burly tough men came to talk to me. Surprise (in) Osaka, do you like gay?
I wasn't sure where they were going with it, cause they said it in English. I also wasn't sure if they are asking me my sexual orientation. So I answered, No I'm not gay, but I don't mind what sexual orientation you are if you are something else.
I think that was too deep an answer for them. I repeated I'm not, but OK if you are.

They laughed.

We got to Osaka. The women went their way and the men another.
I should have joined the women. After all I don't even drink beer.

I was led to a seedier part of Osaka. By seedy I mean, clubs, bars, other stuff.

The "other stuff" is where we were going.

We sat down at a table with a bunch of us (like 9 maybe?).
There seemed to be a hostess at each table and its was a large room with a stage.

The women seemed rather thin, with a lot of make-up. By a lot, I mean tons. If a girl wears too much make-up they have something to hide. Trust me that's a life lesson to be learned.
If a girl looks good naturally, then add a little make-up and that will accentuate that. If she cakes it on like there is something is amiss.

The hostess gave me a hug and was surprised I spoke Japanese. She sat beside me, and I kept thinking wow, that's a lot of make-up. What's she hiding?

There was a younger looking girl (20's) sitting at a table beside us who kept glancing over at our table. I wasn't sure why but she wasn't giving me the eye, she was giving it to the head person of our group. By head person I mean the most senior, aka the big chief. He seemed to take notice.
After a while, the show started. And all the hostesses went on stage. What I saw I should not repeat, but let's just saw I was in shock and not in a good way.
We had come to a transvestite bar. I heard one of the people from my group yell "Ya you like, its NEW HALF". I wasn't sure for about one minute new half meant, but when they removed their clothes I understood, some things were there on some people. And not on others.
Oh boy! In this case I'm not sure "Oh boy" is the expression I should use.
More like Oh a little bit boy a little bit girl.

The show continued, and I seemed to be only one of three people not enjoying the show. The other was the young girl and our chief. She sat at our table and seemed to be playing footsie then holding his hand.
Uh oh I thought. Not good. Some sh%t is gonna hit the fan.

The show ended and we took pictures. Seems dumb I would do that, now I'm probably on the bar's wall for the rest of my life and they say "we had a foreigner here and he loved it, here's his name and number."

They didn't look like this, or maybe I would have known. Or maybe not.

People started filling out of the bar.
I had started to drink my vodka quite heavily due to the fact I was not enjoying myself. In addition, I was getting slightly apprehensive (aka sh*tting my pants) about this situation going on that no one took notice.

Everyone left I thought when I turned around and noticed that the chief was talking to the girl, but apparently the girl had a boyfriend and he did not look happy.
I entertained the thought of not doing anything and leaving, but at this point it seemed a fight was about to break out.
I ran to get the largest and strongest of our group who happened to be a 3rd degree black belt in Judo and weighed 240 pounds. A monster basically. He's like the Hulk except not green. I wish I could get him to say "HULK SMASH!" in Japanese. Smash might be smashuuuu! Not quite the same ring to it.

It didn't occur to me that he was drunk, so he moved his gigantic frame back into the bar pushing people and making a scene. He stepped in-between the chief and the not so happy boyfriend.
At this point I didn't want to be involved. I tiptoed out and mentioned to another judo guy that the big dude went in and I was going to pass out.
I leaned against a building and had a little rest, and by rest I mean pass out.
I suddenly came to, with someone shaking me, "Are you passed out? You are probably going to have to fight".
Dude, I don't even know where I am.

I looked up to see the escapades (problems) from inside the bar, had now come outside and the boyfriend was flipping out (angry). He yelled some not so nice stuff, and then the big judo guy stepped forward, then there was a row of guys on his side, and a row of guys on our side. It was nuts.
I looked for the nearest bathroom.
I'll be back I said.
"YOU can't!! You need to fight".
I looked at him.
"Dude, I've been drinking and I need to pee, I'm not fighting. The fact that I need to pee makes it worse, cause I'd just pee myself".
He didn't believe me. I hoped he wasn't about to test me.
At that point around $600 cash (yen) was given to the boyfriend.
Wow, money can ends fights. That's nice. I'd like to see that happen here.

We met the ladies and they asked how the night went. Silence. I told them I almost got the crap kicked out of me by my own group, without going into details. They didn't get into it.
I hoped that the $600 given to the angry boyfriend wouldn't be added to the group bill of the bus, beer, "special bar" etc.

End result. 
It was.

F!

haha.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Give me an F, Mother Trucker!

Incase you didn't figure it out my student didn't say Mother Trucker.
It was another word which is similar to that.
You fill in the blank. Mother F#&**&#!

As I've stated in previous posts, the good students I loved, the bad students I didn't love (x 1000).
There were more than a few bad students to make my life interesting.

One day the English Teacher asked me to mark tests. "Sure", I said.
I'm bored looking at porn anyways at work (that's a joke. MAYBE).

I found one test with no English on it, including the part at the top that says write your name using the English alphabet (Romaji in Japanese). In the case if you are no historian or alphabetologist (that might not be a word FYI), I will inform you hence that the English alphabet is actually from Latin.
In Japan they use "Romaji" as the romanization of Latin characters to write Japanese.

Everyone loves Daasu Beidaa "Darth Vader" I see.

This particular student failed at that part, and everything else too apparently.

I noticed a black marker had been written repeatedly over the same characters in Japanese.

JUST GIVE ME A ZERO MOTHER TRUCKER. GET IT OVER WITH!! AND DIE!!!!!

I thought that was cute.
At first I couldn't read it, but I had to decipher a few of the nastier words with my Ouija board.

I asked the spirits how to translate some very adult swears by an angry boy.

After looking at it, I laughed again and made a photocopy.

I still have it in my closet somewhere.

I wrote at the bottom in response.

I gave you a 1 although you failed to even write your name correctly using an alphabet you have studied for 13 years of your life. But you made me laugh. Therefore instead of ZERO as you requested I give you 1.

In addition, I request you die first, MOTHER TRUCKER!!

I hoped the teacher didn't recheck the papers to verify that I had marked them with bonus comments.

I recorded the scores for each student as to avoid that happening.

A few days later I heard a male student say "You die first!".

There were too many students and I forget what class the student was that wrote the test, so I couldn't put two and two together to know if it was the same student.

It may have just been a common theme among students directed at me.

I smiled at him and said in Japanese, "No you die first".

He laughed then I laughed.

The head teacher then scolded both of us.

I didn't stick my tongue out but I hoped the teacher would die first. I had my fingers crossed during scolding.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva