Memoirs of a Gaijin - An Unlucky English Teacher in Japan: living in japan

Showing posts with label living in japan. Show all posts

Monday, June 4, 2012

Don't Put Screwdrivers In Your Ear!

Don't Put Screwdrivers In Your Ear!

This may seem obvious to most people.
A few times with my bad students I was tempted to get a screwdriver and try it.

Anyways...

You know that saying you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Perhaps, I should rephrase it to “Dumb people are dumb”. In this case it applies to me (most of my stories should be called this).

I started to enjoying cleaning out my ears in Japan. Although I’ve always enjoyed cleaning out my ears with kleenex in Canada, I’ve never been a fan of cotton swabs aka Q-tips. Doesn’t get deep enough and I find myself scratching till the white end is a mix of wax and blood.That’s attractive.
Kleenex on the other hand is delightful. First off, you can roll it into a little round point and probe deep into your skull or to be exact, deep inside your ear in this case. I think that’s a play on words, skull deep as in ear in your skull, plus I used the word case in a different meaning, which could also be a skull. I should be a poet. OK, moving on....

I love the feeling of that soft pillowy freshness going in and cleaning the wax out to my heart’s content.


Oh yes, that kleenex feels good. I would suggest trying it but finish the blog story first.

While living in Japan as a student, I lived with a host family. They found it quite funny that I was into the dollar store (Daiso in Japan) so much. I think due to that, they may have bought me dollar store kleenex. Either that, or it was some crappy Japanese brand, which fell apart as it was being rubbed. At first I was using a Japanese ear cleaner, a hard wooden scraper, but I was tempted to push it in so deep and scratch so much my ears were bleeding inside.


Try that in your ear and see how it feels. I never tried the fluffy end, that seemed "weird" to me. Kleenex is better.

As I was using the Japanese kleenex rolled up into a round shape I felt half of it rip off.
UH OH!
I couldn’t reach it with my fingertips and I couldn’t seem to get it out.
I hoped it might come out if I tilted my head to one side. I banged my head with the other hand as if it was a liquid to get some movement but no dice, just a little brain damage.
It occurred to me that I was an idiot for losing a rolled up piece of kleenex in my ear. To top it off this was not the first time I had lost something in my ear.
I could hear the kleenex pushing deeper inside my ear canal as I tried to reach it. It felt like it was pushing against my eardrum. That’s nice, it was like someone was rolling up a piece of paper inside my eardrum. Then pushing against my eardrum with a pencil, oh fun.
Being the cheap person I am, I didn’t want to go to the doctor. The doctor is very expensive in Japan and I thought it might come out naturally, big mistake there. I just came across an article on the internet when I was looking for a picture for this blogpost and it said “Sometimes little children put things in their ears, bugs, pebbles, dirt. It’s important to have any foreign object removed immediately”.
I informed my host mother I had lost something inside my ear and that I wasn’t going to the doctor. She was not impressed.
My next genius idea was to spray as much water in it as I could. I thought in theory, this should make it all soft and then it was flush out. That didn’t work. As it dried and perhaps started to become harder like papermache, I could hear it drying inside my ear. The sound was magnified x 100.
If I slept on my side I could hear the ocean as the water sloshed back and forth on the kleenex which at that point must have started to be covered in wax.
A week went by. My Japanese listening test scores started to drop. The Japanese teacher asked why. I told her it felt like my one ear was oozing with sweat every time I put the headphones on and I couldn’t hear well. She told me I should go to the doctor. I let her know that I had no intention of going to the doctor regardless of how painful or irritating it got, I had money to save.
I’m good with my money as you can tell, regardless of long term health damage ;-) .
She told me that she believed a doctor was coming in two more weeks that usually sees students who have monetary issues and there was no charge. I told her that sounded good and got myself signed up. I tried to explain the problem in Japanese. Does it hurt they asked? Well, feels like something is pushing on my eardrum so yes, on top of that I hear weird sounds of the kleenex changing shape and sometimes I can’t hear regular sounds well.
They again suggested I go immediately to the doctor, but I declined.

I waited two weeks. I received a phone call during a Japanese history test to come see the on-site doctor. I informed the teacher I needed to do something and I didn’t know when I’d be back. He said OK.
I went to the Universities head office. I had never been there before. A female doctor asked me what ear. I pointed. She pulled out a huge long metal tong and slowly put it in my ear. I felt some relief as something was plucked from inside my ear. She had heard the story from the staff that I had waited 3 weeks. I assume she thought I was a total idiot because she told me she would give it to me. Most people would just throw it out I thought.
She showed it to me and it was amazing! It was essential an earwax candle. There was a wick in the middle made of hard kleenex / papermache and then on top of that my body had repeatedly created wax to protect me from it. I thought it was pretty cool.
I went back to class during the test carrying it. One of the Hawaiian guys asked how it went.
“Good dude, I have an earwax candle, wanna see?”. I showed it to him and a few other students looked up, they were horrified. “GROSS! THROW IT OUT!”, they yelled. I wish I had kept it, but I threw it out. Perhaps I could have marketed the thing as 100% natural wax.
Sadly, that wasn’t the first time I had lost something in my ear.
While clubbing in Canada I had put some massive pink earplugs in to save my ears from the loud music. My friends told me it wasn’t cool so the next time I put these round wax skin colour balls in my ears. My friends said it was still visible so I ripped off more and more wax till it just so tiny it just covered my ear hole. Unfortunately it was so small, one of them went inside my ear canal and I couldn’t get it out. My friend suggested I just drink it off.
It didn’t work. The next day as I lay hungover my mother tried to get the ball out with a needle. I hoped she wouldn’t pierce my ear drum.
After a few days I went to the doctor. Medical is free in Canada, oh ya! Even for stupid people.
The doctor used a high pressure water gun to blast it out of my ear. It felt kind of nice, like cleaning the inside out with a kleenex, I contemplated asking for another go with it.
I finally got it out. He told me that was dumb and you should never stick anything bigger than an elbow in your ear.
I agreed with him and promised him I wouldn’t do it ever again.
Then the Japan story happened.

The worst part. It probably won’t be the last time I lose something in my ear.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Monday, March 26, 2012

A Bit of Magic In Japan, Kind of

A Wee Bit of Magic in Japan, Kind of

Look at the glow. Its like a free flashlight. By the way don't stick a bunch in a plastic bag people get "upset".

There are some things that you can do in Japan that are kind of magical. Although I guess technically you could do it in other countries such as Canada, it definitely does not have the same feeling. Take fireflies for example. In Canada, at least as far as I am aware people don’t take food to a river at night to enjoy the magical glow of the fireflies while listening to the sounds of nature. Actually just listening to the thought of it, people would probably laugh and say “Seriously? Are you kidding me?”. That being said, I would count it as one of the most magical moments I experienced in Japan that I wouldn't even think about trying to duplicate it here. Imagine asking your friends “Hey guys wanna go to the river, bring a picnic blanket and sit and watch fireflies?”. You will be laughed at for the rest of your life. Some of them may even ask you be committed to the mental asylum.

Imagine asking a girl. "Hello, how bout you and me go down by the river and enjoy a little glow of the flies?". Trust me, its not a good pickup line I've tried it (or maybe I didn't, if I did I don't want to admit it).

What is the point of this firefly viewing? Well it puts you on level 12 of the plateau of spiritual existence. What does that mean? I have no idea, but damn that sounded deep. English Honours 12, thanks for the layer onion technique (that doesn't mean anything I made it up).

The level 12 is like the Matrix, only minus the computer, technology and anything to do with having your body used as energy to feed robot energy (on the other hand I can't disprove it, so I could be in the Matrix). Someone on the street did tell me "Say hi to Morpheus" the other day when I was wearing my long black trench coat.


Eww fireflies look kind of gross when you can see them in light. Sick!

That wasn't the only magical moments but it was one of the best. Another of my other little special moments was of koyo or “leaf viewing”. What the heck is that you ask? Well its pretty much the it sounds. You pretty much walk to a place where there are a lot of leaves that are falling or have already fallen or where the trees are starting to lose their leaves and the colours are beautiful. Yes that’s right, beautiful! If you don’t believe me Google it, I don’t have a skill for taking pictures and a website to show you nor can I think of the words to describe it, and yes I am not insane (possible).
When I describe it, and if you haven’t done it, it sounds a bit ridiculous. Who goes around looking at leaves? They must be high you think. High on life !? Hahah, not funny!?

Its not of leaves, but its still pretty. Imagine a bush of nice colours like a pattern made by nature instead. If I can say so I'm a good photographer. Toot my own horn.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Haircut and Throatcut Please, I'll take both

Time for a Japanese Haircut, or throat cut, depending on what you'd like sir.

Well... I'll take both!

I think he is gonna use that on my head, or possibly my throat. At least he looks happy to see me.

Repost from my older blog.

So I went to get my haircut today. It was the usual place I've been going in Vancouver. I go to this really cheap place 6$ plus taxes. Although it just went up to 8$, which is still pretty good. I went to an authentic Japanese salon in Vancouver and it cost 40$. Who wants to pay that? Especially for a guys haircut. I could probably give myself a bowl cut, with a shaver and pay nothing. 8$ is my kind of price.

So the only reason the place is so cheap is because its full of students that cut your hair. Today I had someone new. She was Chinese and I said "Do you speak any other languages?". She said she spoke Chinese and I'm like oh good for you. Then, she says to me "Are you Christian?". Since Christianity has nothing to do with language I thought it was weird. I was going to say no way, but thought she might be, so just to play it safe. Not exactly, I have no religion. "Oh!", she answered. I said, "Well, are you Christian?". "Yes", she answered.
Then she looks at me, "You seem nice, even though you aren't Christian". "Thanks I guess?", I answered. I guess the other 6 billion inhabitants of the world can't be nice cause they aren't Christian?
I told her I lived in Japan and she asked me if there were many Christians. Again a weird question to start off a question, I get the feeling she only has religion on her mind. Since there are very few in Japan, I answered no, not really. There are about 1 million of the 135 million and the majority of Japanese tend to include themselves as belonging to more than one denomination, be it Shinto, Christian or Buddhist. One might say they use whatever religion conveniences them.
She said, "I see".
End of conversation.... Silence for the rest of the haircut.
At least the haircut didn't turn out that bad. It was a bit like this picture below.

Its not that noticeable right? No one will say anything.

Since it was silent I started to daydream and remember getting my haircut in Japan. It was kind of funny.
I went to this really cheap place near the Heiwado Super Market in our small town. It was like 1300 yen or $15, which is fairly cheap by Japan standards. They always asked me if I wanted a facial shave. Well, since the shave was always included in the price of course I wanted a shave. I would make sure I wouldn't shave the day of, to get extra value for my money. Always thinking I be.
The only problem was that they would ask me to lean back as far as I could. I felt like I was a pig about to have my throat cut open to bleed. As I leaned back they would put boiling towels on my face, presumably to open the pores (or my skin with the blade). It felt good, but when they brought a huge blade across my throat I used to worry so much I could feel my heart race and probably super pronounced through the skin of my neck like an alien trying to escape my body. Since I had never seen Sweeney Todd Demon Barber or whatever its called, I could only make my own images in my mind of having my throat slit. Since I have a massive Adam’s apple I was always worried that it was about to get shaved off.


Now imagine that guy in Japanese form and a bigger blade and telling you to lean back and relax.

Luckily, aside from a little blood, I never got cut too badly. Afterward, they would wash down my face, shampoo my hair (for an extra 200yen or $2.50) and finish the cut, with a soft massage by a girl. Oh boy the massage was nice! I'm not going to lie. I wish they gave massages at Canadian places at a reasonable price, I'd be in there everyday and if they said you'd have to get your hair re cut, I'd do it!
One day at school I told my students where I got my haircut and they all laughed. I wondered what was so funny. Finally they told me that's where criminals worked. I wasn't sure if they were joking. I did think all the people who worked there, seemed like smoking, darker skinned (sometimes discriminated against in Japan), no teeth or gold teeth typed people. It didn't really matter to me since the price was right and so was the service. Unless of course, they did plan on cutting me for the extra 500 yen (5$ in my pocket).
I finally asked one of the English Japanese teachers what he thought of Samitto (Summit Barber). "Oh", he answered, "Actually I wouldn't go there. I think its all former criminals released from jail. I heard the government helps sponsor the place". WTF? I was going to a place where criminals just got out of jail ?
I thought someone was playing a joke on me. Apparently one of the students mom's worked there. I had mentioned numerous times at Samitto, that I worked at a really bad school called East Junior High where the students were all asses. Well, now I found out I was probably telling their parents. Whoops! Always good to dig yourself a grave, I'm sure someone there could throw me in.
Some students also told me to look for signs, like slit wrist scars and neck scars or missing fingers.
I started to keep my eyes open for these things. I was surprised by how many I saw. I felt bad for the women who were cleaning my head, since I could see massive scars across their wrists where I assumed they had tried to commit suicide.
I also wondered when they washed my hair if they might want to hold my head under the water to kill me. I would, my Japanese isn't that great anyways, probably annoying to them to listen to my broken Japanese.
Every time I leaned back when I saw the barber with his sharp blade and his golden teeth, I worried he might want to "accidentally" cut me a little.
They also used to stick a little mini shaver in my ear to cut out the hair. It tickled a lot and I used to laugh non stop. Some of the women would ask if I was OK. I wondered how come I was the only one that ever laughed? I must have a lot of old man hair in my ear or something.

Actually the whole thing seems pretty funny looking back at it now.
I only went to that place a few more times. We became friends with a girl that worked at a really high end hair salon across town. That has a few stories too, but not related to throat cuts or drownings. I think we got a deal from her.
When I broke my neck though and they were trying to wash my hair onetime, I felt like I was losing consciousness as my spine appeared to be snapping in half. When I mentioned I was in a bit of pain, they asked how much and I said "to the brink of death". I think they thought I was joking.
Sadly, I wasn't!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Camping in Floods, that sounds fun!

Camping in Tsuruga Japan
Paradise or hell?

Camping in Flooded area, That sounds fun.

I went on a camping trip with my friend Anthony (also Canadian), Chiaki (who is a girl that speaks many languages), my girlfriend, Anthony's girlfriend and Chiaki's friend (don't know her name but she was silent and allergic to the sun, yes to the SUN!). So I heard the beaches (maybe bitches too) were super hot in Tsuruga. That sounded nice since Chiaki and Anthony's girlfriend had a car. It was a relatively close drive. The idea was to go there, and then go to some awesome campsite not too far away from beach (and the bitches). Well, it sounded great in theory (especially the bitches).
The trip there was OK, I was in Anthony's girlfriend's car. As I recall nothing that great happened in the car, except that Anthony's girlfriend was loving my jokes (which are not too funny as you probably already know based on my writings on this blog). Anthony later told me his girlfriend kept saying she thought I was hot. I was like uh OK. He said she never shuts up about it, which I guess explains why she laughed at everything I said including directions. "Turn left soon". Her response "Hahaha you are so funny." I was WTF, its a direction not a joke.
Finally when we got to the beach, it was beautiful except for the wood chips and small sticks and other crap floating in the water (I didn't see any bodies but there could been, it was cloudy).


The water was covered in debris. At least it looked nice here

Apparently there had been a major flood and it dumped this crap into the ocean. The beaches were also covered with with wood-chips, sticks etc near the tide line. The beaches would have been paradise if not for the weird things on the beach. There was a large number of Brazilians there though, sleeping in tents on the beach. They seemed a little scary. When I thought about it they probably liked us more than the Japanese on the beach. My reasoning with this is that the Japanese probably thought the Brazilians were weirder than us. On the other hand, the Brazilians and us had a lot in common being foreigners. We were both outsiders, and didn't fit into the cultural norm. I believe that them sleeping on the beach was a cultural faux pas.

Sorry no bikini babes. I save those for me ;P

So after playing on the beach, burying Anthony as deep as we could like he was a sandcastle and such, we decided to go to the campsite.

When we got there, it was mass chaos. The whole campsite was wet and covered in logs and weird crap. It was like the beach only worse. I forget the exact price but I think it was like 100$ a night. I remember Anthony asking me to ask for a discount, which the guy laughed at and didn't do of course.

So we start to setup our tents. Anthony had bought a tent just for this trip, I think it was a two man tent. By two man that meant two small Japanese men, not one large foreigner and his girlfriend. Chiaki had a 5 person tent for Nancy, me, her and her friend.

At night after millions of mosquito bites we went to bed. Since I had been in the ocean and my skin was all salty I decided to shower. I guess that was the wrong choice because there was no hot water, which I didn't know until I was standing under the shower head and pulled. It felt like I was taking a shower on top of Mt.Everest. It was so cold I couldn't close my fingers or rub the soap properly. To complicate things there was no privacy really as the only area the shower covered was a 4 inch area crotch height. I have no idea how girls took a shower without exposing their bosoms. Based on how cold it was, they probably sucked it up and didn't shower. Ice showers are terrible. I kept thinking at least once I get into my cozy sleeping bag I'll warm up, its not like I want to get hypothermia.
As I got in my sleeping bag in the tent I tried to think of something warm. The only bad thing was that after about 30 minutes it started to rain. Earlier we had been saying, "Its such a nice day, why would we need a rain guard". I'll tell you, from now on I'm always putting a rain flap on.

I guess Anthony's tent wasn't made for the white devil gaijin (foreigner) cause he couldn't get comfortable. He told me later his feet were actually getting crushed by the frame of the tent. I did see his feet sticking physically outside of where the tent ended. He was bending the tent by having his legs straight. He claimed he didn't sleep a wink, but that probably wasn't because of that. More likely his girlfriend wanted some McLovin'.

So my sleeping bag sucked and was too short, so at first it was a hard sleep. Then, after some rustling, I was able to enter la la land. Then suddenly, I awoke to being drenched in water. As I slept, the rain came down and drenched me. In addition the ground was wet already and we had put our tent in a really bad spot where the water would all collect on my side. It felt like a river was washing over me. I tucked myself in the fetal position and tried to sleep. But there was no hope in that cold dark place, soaking wet. I started to hallucinate I was in a dungeon. The tent was leaking from the inside and there was a drip like Chinese water torture upon my brow. So my face was covered in freezing water and the puddle in the tent was getting bigger and it wasn't just me getting wet. I tried to sleep through it, but its like peeing on an electric fence, it won't work. Finally Chiaki says "I'm soaked, lets put rain cover on tent". I said OK, and as we fumbled in the dark for the tent zipper, but I couldn't find it. I guess Chiaki had put her head in the doorway and I didn't notice so when I yanked the zipper really hard her hair got stuck. I didn't realize I did it, but her head was sideways and she seemed to be moaning. Since she didn't say anything I kept yanking the zipper back and forth and it seemed to be stuck on something. After 2 minutes or so she told me her hair was stuck in the zipper and asked if I could stop moving the zipper up and down. It was tearing her hair out. I started laughing cause it was so ridiculous. At that point everyone else in the tent was woken up by my laughing. Then for the first time I noticed clumps of her hair in my wrinkly and wet hands. I tried to pull her hair from the zipper and the tent caved in! It was terrible! The whole roof fell down. Not only was her hair stuck in the zipper but I couldn't get it out. Finally I grabbed the roots of her hair and I said "Listen, I'm going to try to save a bit of your hair my holding it at the roots and ripping the hell out of the zipper. This may hurt a little." Thinking back I should have told her "Going to hurt a lot, like a real son of a bitch".

Finally her hair came loose, but I lost a bit more in the zipper, possible pieces of her scalp-line too. I didn't notice till the next day but there was a patch of hair missing where I had torn the roots from her skull. If you are reading this, I still feel sorry about that.

We stepped out of the tent and it was raining hard and freezing cold.

We re-erected the tent and went to bed soaked. One of the worst nights of my life.

I guess the only person's worse was Chiaki, aside from the pain, she didn't even have enough hair to keep her warm anymore. Damn!

That's what I wanted to do after the camping experience. No sleep = total suck

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Scooter and The 3 Idioteers!

Accidents aren't usually funny, unless they involve someone getting hurt and its not me. Well, the accident the other day was a bit of both.

I bought a scooter for about $300 American. Seemed like a good deal, but it has a few holes in it, it has been in an accident or 2 but I thought it seemed OK. As long as the holes aren't in the gas tank, or I’ll be throwing money away. hahahhaha holes in the gas tank, that would be funny. Leaking behind me as I drive, it could be like in a movie I just need someone to light a match on my gas trail. Cool... until I blow up.

Not my exact scooter but similar "puke" green colour.

Well the girl I was buying it from was there, and she said I should drive it once to try it out, so I went around the parking lot as slow as I could, not only to not embarrass myself as I’d never ridden a scooter before, but also cause if there was some problem with it and I didn’t like it I better not damage it.

Later in the day I saw 3 Gaijin English Teachers hanging out. TR, Matt and Nick who asked if they could try it. Sure I thought, what’s the worst that could happen. Let me tell you from experience you should never think that way. Upon taking the scooter out, I turned it on and didn't turn the wheel away from the fence. As I gassed it, I accelerated full speed into the sharp fence and my leg got stuck between the fence and bike. I couldn't remember where the break was and kept accelerating. So I cut my leg, my hands were crunched into the fence and the bike kept going. I see the neighbours behind the fence went inside, possibly because they thought a Gaijin had just been released from the insane asylum. Maybe they were right. I was very embarrassed but laughed it off. They were all laughing too.

Nick asked for a go on it. He grabs it and does it a little turn, then all the sudden he accelerates at full speed and pops the front wheel into the air, it was completely vertical. I was thinking that is so funny, man he must be really good with this thing to feel confident at controlling it like that. Who in their right mind pops a wheelie(if that’s what you young ins call it these days).
Seconds later I realized he wasn't in control. He was heading for a cement wall at full speed. You might imagine a little scooter doesn’t go that fast, but yes, especially while popping a wheelie it can go. He smashed into the wall and the front tire crashed into the window of our apartment building. I was sure it broke/cracked. My bike crashed and fell down and the sound of many things shattering echoed in the parking lot. The other 2 were laughing except me and Nick. As I looked around at the chaos I noticed for the first time a 12 pack of beer on the ground. I guess they were all drunk, but I hadn’t picked up on it. I guess I don’t pay attention to detail (must be why my girlfriend always says I have Attention Deficit Disorder).
Nick got up and his hands were all crushed from the bike. I was thinking looks like he will have a lot of bruises. I saw him a week later and his hands were purple and blue. Oh well, serves him right, he broke my bike. Karma is a b#*@h.
The rear tail light was completely shattered on my bike. Likewise, the fender cracked off. I don't know what else except for paint chips, random pieces of metal all over the ground (where did all the metal come from? Probably not that important, just the screws holding my scooter together). He probably just added a few more holes as well, hopefully not in the gas tank. I was thinking it was my chance to just spray paint it a new colour as the puke green looked bad anyways.

Our building. Just behind the tan car he hit the window.

Nick didn’t want to seem less manly so he didn’t really say much about it.
A week later he told me he would give me about $20 bucks for the repairs.
I got a new tail light that cost $30, the chipped paint I didn’t do anything about. I decided it added character. As for Nick, well he didn’t give me the $20. He never really lived up to any of his promises, except for inserting me into one of his rap songs, where he made me yell about AK47’s, Glocks, and M16’s. I don’t even know what those are.

Not Nick, but someone that looked like him.

Memoirs of a Gaijin - An Unlucky English Teacher in Japan

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