Food Poisoning by Special Students

Food Poisoning by Special Students 

Anko and Unko
Similar words very different meanings.

I used to love my special needs students. At first, the main English teacher would go to class himself. Then, he introduced us and said we could team teach with him. That seemed good. At that time there were three special need students. They seemed to lack emotion sometimes but on the opposite end of the scale were very extreme other days. Very angry or upset. And I wasn't sure what their level of communication was in general, let alone their English when I first went to the classes.
Instead of team teaching it became alone teaching, as in just me. It would have been OK if there was someone there to discipline them, but I'm a little soft and I didn't want to upset them (in their fragile state).
One girl liked to scratch her nails on the board. I asked her to stop in English. Other-times while teaching them something, she would repeat “Moshi moshi” five thousand times. It means “Hello” on the telephone, but can also be used to get someone's attention. She was relentless with it, so I started to go insane (the joke was on them, I already had!).
Another mistake I made with her was to give her my telephone number. She said she wanted to text me. I was under the impression she meant once in a while,  not every ten minutes. When I didn't respond she would send hate texts about how I was ignoring her and being rude. I informed her I was asleep as it was night-time and she shouldn't be using her phone so late.
Eventually I gave up and told her teacher I needed her to delete my number and inform her not to scratch her nails on the board as I was living in a horror film being around her (I think the RING). 
That was true, it was a horror film life.
One boy, I wasn't too sure what his situation was. He hung out with the bad kids and swore a lot in Japanese. I think he liked me but it was hard to tell (he didn't hit me or scratch his nails, so bonus there). One time during my farewell party with all of them, the special needs teacher mentioned they had made lunch for me. Lucky me I thought!
I was excited, until I saw the bad kid pick his nose, then scratch his bum and put his hands back into the rice. I was a bit horrified. I contemplated how I could come up with an excuse to get out, since I was already there.
He kept repeating he had put “unko” into the rice balls. If you didn’t know unko means excrement or crap in English. I hoped that it was just a special needs joke, or he was mispronouncing.
It sounds a lot like “anko” which is sweet bean and fairly common in rice balls.

Well it might look like "unko" aka crap, but this one is "anko" red bean.
The taste shouldn't be similar, at least in theory.

I really hoped he had not put “unko” into the rice balls. As I went to put my first bite into the balls he had an evil grin on his face, “Enjoy the “unko”!”, he said. It seemed he had added a lot salt and seaweed as well, which is weird if its sweet bean. I'm no cook like Jamie Oliver, but those don't go together. If it was indeed crap then he had covered up the flavour quite well with the salt and seaweed. No matter what it was inside I had a feeling I was about to get a sore stomach and severe diarrhea. What else is new!
I thanked them for the lunch (and was thinking where can I throw up?). They asked if I wanted to take any home. I said I was full and that I would be out at farewell parties so would have no chance to eat it.
As I left, I thought I overheard the bad boy say “Oh I gave him the wrong one, who ate the unko one?”. I hoped it was himself that ate it!

I'll try cleaning it after I die. My corporation will deal with my death.

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A Soccer Kick to the Demon Student part 2

Have you ever wanted to a soccer kick someone in the face?

I have.
It sounds mean, and guess what. It is!

Part 2

This looks bad, but I totally wanted to do it. Soccer boots on as well.

If you didn't read my last post, please read it first. 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/2012/06/soccer-kick-to-demon-student-part-1.html

If you don't have time or don't want to, the gist is that this one kid was evil and happened to be the devil's spawn. He wanted to test to see how Zen I was. I wasn't at all and lost control.

Back to the original story, after he sprayed himself with perfume and with the heat all the kids started complaining. He picked on the nicest, smartest kid in the class who was sitting beside him and he sprayed her in the face with the perfume. I was furious. She was this little quiet, helpless kid, who he chose to abuse because he is the biggest bully. This demon child physically abuses teachers and students and is getting away with it.

I told him to stop it. I don’t recall now if I spoke in English or Japanese, but either way he got the message I was not impressed.

He came to the back of the classroom where I was standing and shoulder checked me into the wall. He seemed to be walking out of the class.

I lost it. I grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him into the door. He started punching me in the face and chest which made me more angry. Of course I couldn’t really punch him, since he is a kid. Although one of the Japanese English teachers used to tell me someday I should try, since the chances of me getting sued or kicked out of Japan were less due to me not being Japanese.

He fell against the door and I pushed him harder. He grabbed me by the trachea (throat) and started to try to crunch my windpipe.

Double spelt wrong. Only I choked he kicked me in the balls.

 Since I was so angry, I didn’t feel much. Occasionally adrenaline comes in handy. He kicked me in the balls and I pushed him again. Finally due to the door being a sliding door and both of us leaning on it, it slide open and we fell into the hallway.

He was swearing like bloody murder and some of the hallway teachers came to see what was happening. He kicked me in the balls again and I kept coming forward, as if to show him no matter what he tried to do, I could destroy him.

He tried to punch me and I avoided it, then he kicked me in the nuts harder, which I could feel. I felt like I peeing blood. Not a great feeling to say the least. I don't suggest you try it.

As his last kick hit me in my balls and I felt like my spleen split, I grabbed his foot. At Judo I had practiced a move about 1000 times where once you grab the foot you kick/ sweep out the remaining leg. This ends up with the person either landing on their back and their wind knocked out on mats, or if on the streets, the head hitting the cement and their brains falling out. I thought about this for at least ten seconds. I could have ended it right there, but it might have ended up being permanently for him. I was trying to think rationally through the anger and adrenaline. 

Imagine me throwing you super speed on your head on cement.

I let his leg go and he tried to kick me again, luckily this time due to the previous hit my hips automatically moved back (like Elvis) trying to protect my groin from further damage. A female teacher came forward to try to restrain him and he slugged her in the face. I couldn’t believe it. I stepped on his foot and again I thought about letting him have it. I was so close to destroying him I can’t even tell you. At that point I didn’t care he was 15 years old, my size and technically a child. He was a demon that deserved some punishment.
I stepped off his foot and gave him a swift kick to his shins to level things out. Until that point I hadn’t laid a finger on him in retaliation for his kicks to my balls, punches and shoulder check. I couldn’t contain my anger anymore.
The female teacher was holding her face in pain. As I kicked him in the shin he let out a squeal like I had stuck a knife in him. Dude, I kicked you in the shin. You just slugged a lady in the face! Man up!
Finally a male teacher came and he pushed him away. Finally a few more teachers came and they managed to subdue him. They started to pull him away. At this point I looked down and my shirt and realized not only was it ripped, but there was blood on it, I didn’t know where it was from but when I felt my lip I realized my lip was cut open. My throat had fingernail blood marks and I felt like peeing blood. Maybe I can donate the blood?
The English teacher suggested I go to the staff room to go get a new shirt. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Just my luck, that demon student was standing at the staffroom while they tried to settle him down. Seriously? That is unlucky.
He ran at me as fast as he could and yelled. I thought perhaps at this point he might be scared of me, since I doubt many teachers kick students in the shin, or retaliate in anyway.
He pretended to punch me, but I had no reaction. I thought maybe it would show him how weak he is, that I don’t care if he hits me, I’ll keep coming forward and crush him whenever I want. I felt like I was a black panther (civil rights movement for African Americans in USA.) only I'm not black and my goal isn't as important.
He charged at me again, the female teacher who had got punched in the face a few minutes before begged him to stop, she literally begged him. I felt really bad for her. It was like she was begging for him to let me live. Maybe she expected the worse from him, a knife in my back. Great.
As he tried to punch me again, she turned her back on him and covered me from punches. That was nice, although the few male teachers that were left tried to control him. I headed to the staff room.
It seems like the remaining staff knew what was happening. I was told I should to the principal’s office to hide. It was like I was in protective custody. Its a kid though I thought, can't they just suspend him? He repeated about 100 times how he was going to kill me. I should have recorded it and turned it into a song. It might have caught on for the other demon children.
I hide in the principal’s office. He tried to gain access to the principal’s office by kicking the door from the hallway and punching the windows. I was laughing a bit, it seemed a bit overly dramatic and ridiculous.
After another hour of him being a drama demon, they said it might be safe for me to return to the staffroom.
I didn’t know if they were joking but they told me I should be careful in the hallways, as he may be waiting for me. I was like ummm OK.
I pictured him sharpening a pencil to stab me with. At least he is using a pencil for once I thought.
I managed to survive for the next few weeks.
One of the muscular American guys whose Japanese wife happened to work at my school knew about the situation.
During a JET English teacher meeting, they asked if anyone was having any issues. My teacher had asked me to keep the story on the down-low for the school’s sake and my own, since it was suggested to me, it was mostly my fault for setting him off.
I didn’t say anything, I had already mentioned my school was difficult and I was abused regularly, but no one took notice. Thanks by the way if you are reading this. HA!
I don’t want to compare myself to a crime victim, but it was definitely like being victimized and even though trying to report it, no one listens. Plus I didn't feel like bringing it up, since who is gonna believe I got beat by a child.
The head of the prefecture was at the meeting and he came over. As he was about to finish the meeting, the American guy said “Listen. I know this guy and he is getting beat by his students. This person doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers, release his name or his school's name but he was told BE LIKE BRUCE LEE when a student attacked him. Can anything be done or what!?”. The person claimed he didn’t know there were any issues and that if that was the situation he would like to know what he can do to solve it.
I got a phone call the next day from that person. He informed me he had spoken to his Japanese government superiors, who informed him my school was a special situation and not much could be done. I was like damn! He told me the only way I could switch schools was if for some reason I had a terrible medical condition they couldn't deal with in my town.

For the first time in my life I wish I had something serious, like the black plague.

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A Soccer Kick to the Demon Student Part 1

"A Swift Kick to the Shin should level things out I thought".


Have you ever wanted to a soccer kick someone in the face?
I have.


One my evil students, one of the worst in the school did his best to see if I could contain composure while going off at me. Unfortunately for him, I couldn’t.
I cannot emphasize how terrible he was. I heard him say a lot of terrible things, swear at minorities (Brazilian/ and Me), be racist, punch or kick teachers, say sexual comments to female teachers and abuse other students. He was never reprimanded to my knowledge. When I asked why he such a bad kid, a few of the teachers told me “His parents are divorced”. Dude, are you kidding me? Get of jail card because his parents are divorced, seriously WTF!?

I recall one day while attending a gym class the gymnasium was split into two sections, one for basketball and one for volleyball. One of the psychologists was there. She was saying something to him and he grabbed the volleyball and threw it into her face. I was across the gym and I could still see the upset / hurt look on the psychologist’s face. She never came back to the school. I wish I could say it was the last day for me too.

Ouch, that hurts. 

I also helped out during gym doing Judo classes, as you know I am part Ninja. It was OK until his class showed up. I hoped since Judo is quite a dangerous sport he would not do anything stupid.
Of course, he was an idiot so I should have been thinking how to minimize the stupid things he is about to do.
We practiced a throw which involves putting your leg between the person’s leg and throwing them. This throw could be slightly altered however by turning the throw into a kick to the balls, and of course the person would jump, instead of get thrown.

See where the nut kick comes in? Doesn't feel good.

After witnessing him do this to a few of his friends, the head Judo teacher was laughing about it. I didn’t see humour in getting a guys balls kicked in, but he far outranked me, so I shut my mouth.
Finally the head teacher says all the kids will get to throw our foreigner judo teacher (me) with their favourite throw and to announce the throws name before they did it.
When I got to him, I saw a glint in his devilish eyes. He said “Uchi mata” the throw which I stated above can be turned to a ball kick. As he went to put his foot into my nuts, I jumped avoiding the kick to the nuts. He yelled out “WTF! THIS GUY IS A WIMP! He is afraid of me!”.
And guess what, I was! He’s becomes the devil’s spawn due to his parents getting divorced. Cue cry me a river by Justin Timberlake here please. I don’t recall any of my friends whose parents are divorced do that kind of crap.


One day while the school it was hot as hell, he was doing his typical mouthing off thing. Saying stupid things and harassing other students. The main English teacher had left the room to get some papers from the staff office.
This left me with the devil incarnate and twenty other kids. Another five of them being his demon friends with heat that did feel like the fires from hell.
This one particular day he decided to spray himself with perfume. I would like to say it was cologne since he is a man, but due to its smell I can only guess it was some old lady’s perfume.
There could have been a number of reasons he doused himself with this foul smelling crap. On the top of the list is that either he smelled like smoke because he liked to do underage smoking, or perhaps the later, that he was an ass and wanted to annoy and harass other students.
Might have been a combination.
I never liked the kid and felt like there was something very wrong with him in the head. The things I had seen him done and the way he interacted with the other kids told me he was one bad dude.
There was weekly psychologists there to assess the kids. I didn’t really have much contact with them, but they came in and had talks with the bad kids, or would watch them interact in classes. They didn’t really say much to me personally, although I did one time breakdown to one of them and told her I wanted to soccer kick one of the kids in the face. I wondered if that was right to tell her, or if I had teacher patient, school psychologist confidentiality. Probably not.
I would hope its not abnormal to want to kick someone in the face.
Everyone must want to do it at some point in time to someone right?

BLOG Part 2 next time...... for continuation

Click here for Part 2
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/2012/06/soccer-kick-to-demon-student-part-2.html

Ya like that. Only he sees it coming less.

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He Swallowed a Fly, Perhaps he'll Die!

He swallowed a fly, I don't know why, but perhaps he'll die.

I didn't even need the chopsticks, due to my ninja skills.

I was at my neighborhood Judo club one night. I had a bit of a cold so I figured I would take it easy. I thought wrong! The teacher who is the best at groundwork (chokes, armlock, pain locks) called me over. “Hey, come and do groundwork with me”, he said. OK I was thinking, I’ll just go one time and very lightly. So we started off really going at it, eventually he ended up with me on my back and he started to crush me with his weight. I knew he loved chokes so one was probably coming, but I wasn’t prepared for what was about to happen.

Something fell into my throat and I couldn’t breathe. He started to choke me at the same time, and I felt like throwing up. It felt like I was being choked from the inside out and well as from the outside, like someone took a lego block and shoved it down my windpipe. I tapped and he didn’t let go. “Don’t be a wimp, the choke is barely on”, he said to me. I started to see aurora borealis and then more colours dancing in the sky (cool rainbow of death). Perfect I thought, I am about to die. He probably saw me turning purple but because he is a stubborn S.O.B he didn’t let go. “What’s with you tonight? You don’t usually give up so easily? You are a wimp”, he whispered into my ear. Hmm, insult on top of slowly draining my life force, that’s nice.

This is what I saw and I started to pass out, beautiful. Then, I started to die.

 As my eyes flickered for the last few times, he eased up a little but held the position (good only a little brain damage), but whatever was in my throat was going further down. It felt like someone had just taken a spoon and was ramming in down my throat. And by that, I totally mean the round end, all the way to the base of my throat and moving it back and forth like the bottom of the ice cream bucket, getting the last bit. The air couldn’t even enter my nostrils or mouth, it felt like the life was being sucked out of me (maybe he’s a vampire? But his breath smelled like garlic so maybe not). What seemed like forever, was probably about 20 seconds. As I stopped moving to try to save myself from death the judo teacher let go (or was I unconscious and just dreaming that?). Somehow I ended up on my side and then someone pushed my back (resuscitation technique), I turned over with my face towards the mat and started throwing up. Only the bile couldn’t pass whatever was in my throat. Guess what came out!? A huge fly! It must have either flown into my throat or was on his judogi (judo clothes). So my eyes were all watery and I felt like half the fly was still in my throat. I had a feeling part of it was  because when it came out it was dead as a nail, and tasted like one too. Nasty! The judo teacher finally retorted, “Is that all? You think that was blocking you? You should have blocked the choke”. I didn’t know if he was joking, the size of the fly was the biggest I’ve ever seen in my life. It reminds me of something exotic which only grows in the Amazon or something. There were a lot of Brazilians in my town, maybe one of them brought it as a pet. Secondly how do you block a choke when you are pre-choking before the judo choke is even on. Its a little overkill, or in my cause almost kill.
I continued trying to breath properly for the rest of the night, but it felt was if there was something rancid in my throat, possibly the wings or the taste of the bile that pushed the fly out in the first place. 
Gross! 

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Funky Skin Rashes and Ancient Languages

Funky Skin Rashes and Ancient Languages

I think I did upload it, or at least I did do other pics like when I had a purple toe and black eye.

While in Japan I got some funky skin rashes. It’s called athlete’s foot in English, but in Japan they called it “mizu mushi”, which basically means water bug / insect. WTF? I have a water bug in my skin. Then I looked it up and the other word in English is ringworm. I guess the Japanese word is true. Its basically bacteria on the skin that starts doing the funky chicken or perhaps  in our case the funky worm.

I wasn’t sure how I got it, but I was rolling around doing judo groundwork with a lot of questionable people. I hoped it was from me wearing sweaty socks all the time including in winter, where I wore 3 pairs at once to stay warm.

According to Wikipedia athlete’s foot is a fungus and will grow more rapidly in the following conditions
1) Crowded or Humid conditions. That's me!
2) Sweat excessively. That's me!
3) Participate in close sports like wrestling and soccer. That's me!
4) Wear tight constrictive clothing with poor aeration. That's me!
5) Have a weakened immune system. Hope not!

I think I met 4 of the 5 best conditions for it to grow. Number 5 nope, at least I hope anyways.

Summer seemed to be the worst though, that damn humidity never lets up. I saw all the teachers wore socks inside, but sometimes I was so sweaty, I took them off. I’m sure they were horrified.
But what else is new? I did wear underwear (despite what you may have heard through the rumour mill).

I finally decided it was getting progressively worse so I went to the doctor. The Japanese doctor looked at it and said you need to go to the skin doctor.
So, off on my jolly way I went.
It was my first time to a skin doctor. I had never been to one in Canada either so I wasn’t sure what to expect.
I envisioned a room full of people with goiters on their necks (big huge weird balls of skin).
When I arrived I found a room full of people waiting. It had a very “countryside” feel to it.
A girl looked at me, “Mama there is a gaijin (foreigner) here”. I contemplated responding “Ya and I understand you.” But, alas I decided against it.
My name was called from the front “Mr.Gaijin”. I was like ummm that’s not really my name but OK. I entered the room where a chipper older Japanese doctor sat. He had a big smile on his face, like he was happy to see me.
“Konnichi wa Mr.Gaijin. Do you understand Japanese?” he pondered. “Well, yes a little”, I answered. He looked even more happy. “You are the first gaijin to my office. I am happy to meet you. Are you American?”. “No”, I answered. “Oh, where are you from, perhaps a Brit?”. “Ahem, no, I’m Canadian”. He seemed to think about that for a minute like it didn’t register. Finally “Good. That’s good, let’s have a look at your hairy gorilla like skin”. No! He didn’t say that, but I think it would have been funny if he had.
He started inspecting my skin with a magnifying glass. He then grabbed a knife and my foot and locked it between his legs. I had a feeling he was about to filet my toes. Instead he grabbed my foot and scrapped a bunch of skin from my foot. It was pretty painful, but I tried to keep my mouth shut..
He took the skin fragments and looked at them with his high powered microscope.
“Ah HA!” he yelled. “Just as I expected, its Tinea pedis”. I was like “Sorry, what? Tina who?”. As far as I recall I don’t remembering doing judo with anyone named Tina. He seemed surprised I didn’t understand and handed me a book of skin conditions, it had Japanese on one side and some weird language on the other. He pointed to it, “Here it's written in English”. I was like ummmm….. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it sure wasn’t English, maybe Polish or Russian I thought. After a minute I realized it must be Latin cause it had roots of things that never made sense to me like “magnus” “corporis” , “malus”, “Ginormous”. That last one I added in myself, I was just trying to go with the flow. In-case you didn’t know ginormous was recently added into English dictionaries due to its popular usage on the pop culture scene.
I finally told the doctor “Actually its called Latin. English does have some roots in it, but I don’t speak or understand it.”. He looked baffled. “Do you mean you don’t speak your own language?”, he asked. “No, I do. Its just that this is not my language. I mean it did add words and stuff to my language but its not my language”, I answered.
As always I don’t think I did a great job of explaining it to him. He seemed baffled.
Being the smart alleck I am, I thought I would give him a great metaphor. “So you speak Japanese right? Japanese characters came from Chinese, so if someone shows you something in Chinese they might think you speak Chinese, but probably you can’t read it, well to a degree you can, cause the base of the character meaning would be the same”. Blank stare on his face. Then, “ I don’t speak Chinese”, he answered. I didn’t know how to answer him, I had done a piss poor job of explaining it to him, what else is new.
He started writing something down and told me I would need to take oral medicine five times a day. That’s annoying I thought. In Japan they always give low dosages of medicine, and most foreigners find it quite weak. Most books for foreigners coming to Japan recommend bringing your own medicine, half of our medicine is banned though, be careful.
He looked at me and said “If you don’t take care of the tinea pedis it will become tinea cruris”. 
Crap! He definitely did not comprehend I didn’t speak Latin.
I asked him to write the words down so I could perhaps look through a Latin dictionary later (if I could find one, maybe in the Vatican?) to decipher his dead archaic language.

I looked up the word later, it said it meant jock itch.
NO THANKS I'LL PASS!

I started bathing my feet in vinegar everyday cause I read on the internet, it helps cure it.
My girlfriend commented a few times it smelled like “sushi rice”. Ha!
I don't think anyone wants to eat rice that has touched my feet.

If I ever go to a make your own wine place, I'm not drinking the wine I crush with my bare-feet.

Let's see. Doesn't look that hard to understand. Latin is the same as English right?

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My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
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Radiation Man, Can I get some gamma radiation too please?

Radiation Man, Can I get a little Gamma Radiation too?

If you are going to poison me with radiation please add a little gamma radiation for good luck!

If you don't get this joke it refers to the HULK. Bruce Banner gets overdosed with Gamma Radiation which basically makes him invincible.
That might be nice. Of course at the same time you will become a big green monster and destroy everything, but hell I can live with that.

When I was teaching in Japan on the Jet Programme we had to do a number of tests. Urine tests, I found pretty annoying. They asked that the first pee of the day be entered into a special vial then brought to work. To be honest, I didn't find that too sanitary. For most of my time in Japan I didn't have a car, so I would use my granny bike to get to work. I'm sure on more than one occasion people were wondering why I had a vial of pee in my granny basket.

One time the top was a bit loose, so I put it in a plastic bag. When I went to hand the school nurse the vial it seemed to be wet. Whoops!
I threw the bag out, I didn't really want to bring back my coffee mug in it.

Another of these tests that were required was X-ray's. I didn't quite understand why, it seemed so often. I think it was about once every six months or more. A huge truck would come to the school parking lot. They told the men to rip their shirts off and get at it. Finally one day I asked if I could possible get some lead shielding or something since I had been through quite a few X-ray's that year. Beyond the school once I had about 3 on my neck. Plus Superman couldn't see me (inside joke for comic nerds here, Superman can't see through lead!).
They looked at me funny. It seemed to me that whatever they were looking for they didn't think the radiation was a big deal. I thought at least a lead vest or something that they provide in Canada would be nice. Maybe I can hold it around my waist so at least I don't get cancer down there. That would be a bonus.

Finally after the fourth X-ray at school I asked what they are looking for. They told me tuberculosis. I was like what the heck? Isn't that some old world disease that died out 100 years ago? No one seemed to understand.
Since no one got it, I figured I better push my point. Black plague, isn't it like black plague? Since I didn't know the Japanese word for that I substituted death for plague. Don't you guys know black death is over? No response.
I think the X-ray technician thought I was nuts.
I tried to make a joke "Any chance I can get a little gamma radiation thrown in?". Bam!
I thought it was hilarious and started to laugh. I could see on his face he had no idea what I was talking about. Plus I didn't know the word for gamma radiation in Japanese so I just said it the way it sounds. That makes it even more cryptic.

After the X-ray I decided to bring it up at one of our weekly foreigner teacher meetings. "Hey do you guys think I can get too much radiation from X-rays? Its so stupid they even make us take it, after all who the heck gets tuberculosis these days?".
Everyone seemed to agree with me.
Well, guess what.
My good friend Mack's X-rays came back positive for tuberculosis. I couldn't believe it.
He mentioned he had been in Thailand for two weeks during Christmas and it must have got it there.
Its transferred through coughing.
He mentioned they told him he was banned from school and considered a threat to everyone by his school. He was to stay home on bed rest for 1 month and take anti-biotics. I thought this sounded great. A chance to get away from my bad students.
I asked him if he wouldn't mind coughing on me a bit.
He told me that it wouldn't be much fun though, as he had to sustain from tea and crumpets and eat healthy. Those crazy Brits! Crumpets and tea ha!

This isn't our X-ray. But it does apparently show Tuberculosis. I didn't even know it exists in the world anymore.

As you recall Mack was one of my better friends during my first year in Japan. When we first arrived he had come out with us one night, forgot where he lived and didn't have a contact from anyone from his school. He ended up staying with me for a few days.
One morning we looked in the fridge for some food. I hadn't bought much yet and all my pots and pans were from the dollar store, the lowest quality you could get.
He found some eggs in the fridge and brought them out. He saw the bananas and said that would be good cooked together. I'd never heard of eggs mixed with banana but I thought it must be some British delicacy.
As we cooked it the pot started to melt. It was so cheap (I guess aluminum) it couldn't stand up to low heat.
After it was done I threw the half melted pot out (its illegal to throw out in the garbage I found out).

As I took a bite of my slightly metally banana eggs mix, I was shocked. It was the worst thing I had ever tasted. Mind you, metal doesn't help anything taste good, but I thought it might be edible. I glanced at Mack and he scowled, "Emm this is terrible". Uhhh... he recommended it so I didn't know what to say.
"You have eaten this before right?", I inquired.
"No, I just thought it might be good and its all we had", he answered.

F!

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

The Japanese Toilet A Different World

 
The Japanese Toilet



Using the Japanese toilet was a bit of the puzzle to me the first time I saw a picture of it.
Perhaps the drawing I was looking at just happened to be out of proportion but all I kept thinking was it looks like a bath.

The one I used was longer. Elongated more bath like. PS don't wash hands in that water, its not clean.

Our Japanese teacher who happened to be a white guy, was explaining to use how to use it.
By looking at the photos I could not comprehend the words coming out of his mouth.
If you are well travelled you will know that pit toilets, the white porcelain ones are used in every country on this planet except for North America. Rightly so, they are considered more hygienic and use less space than standard Westernized toilets. They are easier to construct and use less water, not that I'm trying to pressure you into turning green (although it may be a good idea these days). I prefer a nice relaxed sit myself, the king of your own throne as they say.
He explained it simply, “Face the hooded end then take your pants to your ankles”. For whatever reason I couldn’t picture that. How can your ankles be tied at the base by pants and you can still move I thought? I didn’t want to ask for clarification since it was kind of an embarrassing topic.
The first time I arrived in Japan I was 15 years old or so. We were on a three week exchange. At that point we were in Hiroshima for 2 days staying at a hostel.
My normally functioning body wasn’t normal flows, either due to jet lag or new food. I was blocked. Finally one day, as we walked around the city I felt movement, YES I thought. Time for relief. The only problem was my adversary, THE JAPANESE TOILET.
We headed into a 7-11. As I bee lined for the bathroom, I thought I might hit up a Slurpee on the way out, even though the weather was super cold. Ummm slurpree. I looked around, no Slurpee machine. Weird I was thinking. I looked at the cashier counter thinking, in Japan they probably don’t allow kids to stick their heads under it like in the States. But no! None there either. Weird.
I asked someone later and they said what is SURIIIPEEE? I was like hello! Frozen pop and its total delish! They didn’t get it. I found out later Japan doesn’t have those at 7-11! Wow.

I'm not ever sure this is a mistake. But either way, I better take a pass to be safe.

Back to the story instead of an essay on Slurpees (which I prefer to write about, brown slurpees).
I headed into the bathroom and met my match, a white hooded mini bath.
I stared at the thing, its harder then you think. Even though many countries use this (most of the world in fact), I had never used one and was spoiled by using Western ones my entire life.
I tried to lay down a bit, hmm, didn’t seem to work. I pulled my pants down to my ankles. Now I can’t move, this is great I thought. If I fall over this is gonna suck trying to stand back up.
I decided if I laid in it like a bath that was my best option. Preferably no feces surrounding me, if possible please.

Why can't they post this in every toilet in Japan? That's all I needed. Possibly add video to it too.

I laid down with my hand bracing me on the sides and my ankles tied at the end. Didn’t seem to work. I decided to disrobe. And by disrobe I mean everything. By this point I was probably in the bathroom for about 5 minutes. My friend hammered on the door, “Dude everything OK in there? You are taking forever”. I looked down at myself naked laughing “Ummm dude, its a Japanese toilet I don’t get how to use it.” Then no response for 10 seconds. Then I heard him “HELL NO! If its that bath style one I’m out, see ya later”. He abandoned me at my time of need. Not that I could ask him for help. I tried a few more positions which didn’t seem natural.
I contemplated asking an employee in English, “Umm hello, I’m from Canada, can you teach me how to use your complex hooded bath toilet? I tried naked but had no success”. The thought evaporated from my skull within ten seconds. Nah, plus he wouldn’t understand my English. My Japanese was terrible at that time (and probably still is depending on who you ask mhwahahah).
With no clothes on, the cold was starting to get to me, You see in Japan a lot of places don’t use heat inside buildings so the weather outside is the same inside. I tried that special position again laying down this time instead of using hands I used my elbows to prop myself up. Then I layed (laid) down and my ankles weren’t tied anymore. I could pee, but I wasn’t sure what direction it was about to go. Not on my bare feet! I don’t have shoes on! Sick!  
I leaned back far as I could and as close as I could to the water. I leaned my hips to the sky and my head tilted back. It was like I was doing yoga, a sun salutation with my hips. Alas, I misjudged the distance and the back of my head dipped into the water, sick! On the bright side at least I can restyle it, it wasn’t in cool shape anymore.
I finally finished my business and closed up shop by putting my clothes back on.
Now, where to wash my hands. I had two options, dip my hands into the place I just did my business, or there was a small metal tube coming out of the top of the toilet where the level to flush was. It might be clean but I wasn't sure. I figured at the point my hands had been all over the floor, so its probably to wash them at least a bit even if its slightly contaminated. Damn! No soap WTF?! No hand towels either. I used a bit of TP (which was really cheap and melted in my hands).
As I headed out of the bathroom I did one more CSI check for the Slurpee machine on the way out, still no dice. Damn!
As I walked out the 7-11 door my friend was waiting, at least he didn’t abandon me completely.
“Hey dude did you put gel in your hair? Its all wet”. I smiled 
“Uhhh, ya, yup, yuppers I did.” I answered. 

I wish I could have asked this guy for help. Not while naked though.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva