He Swallowed a Fly, Perhaps he'll Die!

He swallowed a fly, I don't know why, but perhaps he'll die.

I didn't even need the chopsticks, due to my ninja skills.

I was at my neighborhood Judo club one night. I had a bit of a cold so I figured I would take it easy. I thought wrong! The teacher who is the best at groundwork (chokes, armlock, pain locks) called me over. “Hey, come and do groundwork with me”, he said. OK I was thinking, I’ll just go one time and very lightly. So we started off really going at it, eventually he ended up with me on my back and he started to crush me with his weight. I knew he loved chokes so one was probably coming, but I wasn’t prepared for what was about to happen.

Something fell into my throat and I couldn’t breathe. He started to choke me at the same time, and I felt like throwing up. It felt like I was being choked from the inside out and well as from the outside, like someone took a lego block and shoved it down my windpipe. I tapped and he didn’t let go. “Don’t be a wimp, the choke is barely on”, he said to me. I started to see aurora borealis and then more colours dancing in the sky (cool rainbow of death). Perfect I thought, I am about to die. He probably saw me turning purple but because he is a stubborn S.O.B he didn’t let go. “What’s with you tonight? You don’t usually give up so easily? You are a wimp”, he whispered into my ear. Hmm, insult on top of slowly draining my life force, that’s nice.

This is what I saw and I started to pass out, beautiful. Then, I started to die.

 As my eyes flickered for the last few times, he eased up a little but held the position (good only a little brain damage), but whatever was in my throat was going further down. It felt like someone had just taken a spoon and was ramming in down my throat. And by that, I totally mean the round end, all the way to the base of my throat and moving it back and forth like the bottom of the ice cream bucket, getting the last bit. The air couldn’t even enter my nostrils or mouth, it felt like the life was being sucked out of me (maybe he’s a vampire? But his breath smelled like garlic so maybe not). What seemed like forever, was probably about 20 seconds. As I stopped moving to try to save myself from death the judo teacher let go (or was I unconscious and just dreaming that?). Somehow I ended up on my side and then someone pushed my back (resuscitation technique), I turned over with my face towards the mat and started throwing up. Only the bile couldn’t pass whatever was in my throat. Guess what came out!? A huge fly! It must have either flown into my throat or was on his judogi (judo clothes). So my eyes were all watery and I felt like half the fly was still in my throat. I had a feeling part of it was  because when it came out it was dead as a nail, and tasted like one too. Nasty! The judo teacher finally retorted, “Is that all? You think that was blocking you? You should have blocked the choke”. I didn’t know if he was joking, the size of the fly was the biggest I’ve ever seen in my life. It reminds me of something exotic which only grows in the Amazon or something. There were a lot of Brazilians in my town, maybe one of them brought it as a pet. Secondly how do you block a choke when you are pre-choking before the judo choke is even on. Its a little overkill, or in my cause almost kill.
I continued trying to breath properly for the rest of the night, but it felt was if there was something rancid in my throat, possibly the wings or the taste of the bile that pushed the fly out in the first place. 
Gross! 

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Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

  

Don't Put Screwdrivers In Your Ear!

 Don't Put Screwdrivers In Your Ear!

This may seem obvious to most people. 
A few times with my bad students I was tempted to get a screwdriver and try it.

Anyways...

You know that saying you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Perhaps, I should rephrase it to “Dumb people are dumb”. In this case it applies to me (most of my stories should be called this).

I started to enjoying cleaning out my ears in Japan. Although I’ve always enjoyed cleaning out my ears with kleenex in Canada, I’ve never been a fan of cotton swabs aka Q-tips. Doesn’t get deep enough and I find myself scratching till the white end is a mix of wax and blood.That’s attractive.
Kleenex on the other hand is delightful. First off, you can roll it into a little round point and probe deep into your skull or to be exact, deep inside your ear in this case. I think that’s a play on words, skull deep as in ear in your skull, plus I used the word case in a different meaning, which could also be a skull. I should be a poet. OK, moving on....

I love the feeling of that soft pillowy freshness going in and cleaning the wax out to my heart’s content.

Oh yes, that kleenex feels good. I would suggest trying it but finish the blog story first.

While living in Japan as a student, I lived with a host family. They found it quite funny that I was into the dollar store (Daiso in Japan) so much. I think due to that, they may have bought me dollar store kleenex. Either that, or it was some crappy Japanese brand, which fell apart as it was being rubbed. At first I was using a Japanese ear cleaner, a hard wooden scraper, but I was tempted to push it in so deep and scratch so much my ears were bleeding inside.

Try that in your ear and see how it feels. I never tried the fluffy end, that seemed "weird" to me. Kleenex is better.

As I was using the Japanese kleenex rolled up into a round shape I felt half of it rip off.
UH OH!
I couldn’t reach it with my fingertips and I couldn’t seem to get it out.
I hoped it might come out if I tilted my head to one side. I banged my head with the other hand as if it was a liquid to get some movement but no dice, just a little brain damage.
It occurred to me that I was an idiot for losing a rolled up piece of kleenex in my ear. To top it off this was not the first time I had lost something in my ear.
I could hear the kleenex pushing deeper inside my ear canal as I tried to reach it. It felt like it was pushing against my eardrum. That’s nice, it was like someone was rolling up a piece of paper inside my eardrum. Then pushing against my eardrum with a pencil, oh fun.
Being the cheap person I am, I didn’t want to go to the doctor. The doctor is very expensive in Japan and I thought it might come out naturally, big mistake there. I just came across an article on the internet when I was looking for a picture for this blogpost and it said “Sometimes little children put things in their ears, bugs, pebbles, dirt. It’s important to have any foreign object removed immediately”.
I informed my host mother I had lost something inside my ear and that I wasn’t going to the doctor. She was not impressed.
My next genius idea was to spray as much water in it as I could. I thought in theory, this should make it all soft and then it was flush out. That didn’t work. As it dried and perhaps started to become harder like papermache, I could hear it drying inside my ear. The sound was magnified x 100.
If I slept on my side I could hear the ocean as the water sloshed back and forth on the kleenex which at that point must have started to be covered in wax.
A week went by. My Japanese listening test scores started to drop. The Japanese teacher asked why. I told her it felt like my one ear was oozing with sweat every time I put the headphones on and I couldn’t hear well. She told me I should go to the doctor. I let her know that I had no intention of going to the doctor regardless of how painful or irritating it got, I had money to save.
I’m good with my money as you can tell, regardless of long term health damage ;-)  .
She told me that she believed a doctor was coming in two more weeks that usually sees students who have monetary issues and there was no charge. I told her that sounded good and got myself signed up. I tried to explain the problem in Japanese. Does it hurt they asked? Well, feels like something is pushing on my eardrum so yes, on top of that I hear weird sounds of the kleenex changing shape and sometimes I can’t hear regular sounds well.
They again suggested I go immediately to the doctor, but I declined.

I waited two weeks. I received a phone call during a Japanese history test to come see the on-site doctor. I informed the teacher I needed to do something and I didn’t know when I’d be back. He said OK.
I went to the Universities head office. I had never been there before. A female doctor asked me what ear. I pointed. She pulled out a huge long metal tong and slowly put it in my ear. I felt some relief as something was plucked from inside my ear. She had heard the story from the staff that I had waited 3 weeks. I assume she thought I was a total idiot because she told me she would give it to me. Most people would just throw it out I thought.
She showed it to me and it was amazing! It was essential an earwax candle. There was a wick in the middle made of hard kleenex / papermache and then on top of that my body had repeatedly created wax to protect me from it. I thought it was pretty cool.
I went back to class during the test carrying it. One of the Hawaiian guys asked how it went.
“Good dude, I have an earwax candle, wanna see?”. I showed it to him and a few other students looked up, they were horrified. “GROSS! THROW IT OUT!”, they yelled. I wish I had kept it, but I threw it out. Perhaps I could have marketed the thing as 100% natural wax.  
Sadly, that wasn’t the first time I had lost something in my ear.
While clubbing in Canada I had put some massive pink earplugs in to save my ears from the loud music. My friends told me it wasn’t cool so the next time I put these round wax skin colour balls in my ears. My friends said it was still visible so I ripped off more and more wax till it just so tiny it just covered my ear hole. Unfortunately it was so small, one of them went inside my ear canal and I couldn’t get it out. My friend suggested I just drink it off.
It didn’t work. The next day as I lay hungover my mother tried to get the ball out with a needle. I hoped she wouldn’t pierce my ear drum.
After a few days I went to the doctor. Medical is free in Canada, oh ya! Even for stupid people.
The doctor used a high pressure water gun to blast it out of my ear. It felt kind of nice, like cleaning the inside out with a kleenex, I contemplated asking for another go with it.
I finally got it out. He told me that was dumb and you should never stick anything bigger than an elbow in your ear.
I agreed with him and promised him I wouldn’t do it ever again.
Then the Japan story happened.

The worst part. It probably won’t be the last time I lose something in my ear.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

  

The Scooter and The 3 Idioteers!

Accidents aren't usually funny, unless they involve someone getting hurt and its not me. Well, the accident the other day was a bit of both.

I bought a scooter for about $300 American. Seemed like a good deal, but it has a few holes in it, it has been in an accident or 2 but I thought it seemed OK. As long as the holes aren't in the gas tank, or I’ll be throwing money away. hahahhaha holes in the gas tank, that would be funny. Leaking behind me as I drive, it could be like in a movie I just need someone to light a match on my gas trail. Cool... until I blow up.

Not my exact scooter but similar "puke" green colour.

Well the girl I was buying it from was there, and she said I should drive it once to try it out, so I went around the parking lot as slow as I could, not only to not embarrass myself as I’d never ridden a scooter before, but also cause if there was some problem with it and I didn’t like it I better not damage it.

Later in the day I saw 3 Gaijin English Teachers hanging out. TR, Matt and Nick who asked if they could try it. Sure I thought, what’s the worst that could happen. Let me tell you from experience you should never think that way. Upon taking the scooter out, I turned it on and didn't turn the wheel away from the fence. As I gassed it, I accelerated full speed into the sharp fence and my leg got stuck between the fence and bike. I couldn't remember where the break was and kept accelerating. So I cut my leg, my hands were crunched into the fence and the bike kept going. I see the neighbours behind the fence went inside, possibly because they thought a Gaijin had just been released from the insane asylum. Maybe they were right. I was very embarrassed but laughed it off. They were all laughing too.

Nick asked for a go on it. He grabs it and does it a little turn, then all the sudden he accelerates at full speed and pops the front wheel into the air, it was completely vertical. I was thinking that is so funny, man he must be really good with this thing to feel confident at controlling it like that. Who in their right mind pops a wheelie(if that’s what you young ins call it these days).
Seconds later I realized he wasn't in control. He was heading for a cement wall at full speed. You might imagine a little scooter doesn’t go that fast, but yes, especially while popping a wheelie it can go. He smashed into the wall and the front tire crashed into the window of our apartment building. I was sure it broke/cracked. My bike crashed and fell down and the sound of many things shattering echoed in the parking lot. The other 2 were laughing except me and Nick. As I looked around at the chaos I noticed for the first time a 12 pack of beer on the ground. I guess they were all drunk, but I hadn’t picked up on it. I guess I don’t pay attention to detail (must be why my girlfriend always says I have Attention Deficit Disorder).
Nick got up and his hands were all crushed from the bike. I was thinking looks like he will have a lot of bruises. I saw him a week later and his hands were purple and blue. Oh well, serves him right, he broke my bike. Karma is a b#*@h.
The rear tail light was completely shattered on my bike. Likewise, the fender cracked off. I don't know what else except for paint chips, random pieces of metal all over the ground (where did all the metal come from? Probably not that important, just the screws holding my scooter together). He probably just added a few more holes as well, hopefully not in the gas tank. I was thinking it was my chance to just spray paint it a new colour as the puke green looked bad anyways.

Our building. Just behind the tan car he hit the window.

Nick didn’t want to seem less manly so he didn’t really say much about it.
A week later he told me he would give me about $20 bucks for the repairs.
I got a new tail light that cost $30, the chipped paint I didn’t do anything about. I decided it added character. As for Nick, well he didn’t give me the $20. He never really lived up to any of his promises, except for inserting me into one of his rap songs, where he made me yell about AK47’s, Glocks, and M16’s. I don’t even know what those are. 

Not Nick, but someone that looked like him.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva