Once upon a CRIME

Oh snap! A crime you say? What could it be?

I wanted to recant the tale I enjoyed with of one of my Brazilian acquaintances. I don't want to say friend, because he wasn't my friend, and I had a strange inkling (feeling) he might kill me.

Just to give some backstory, there are many Brazilians in Japan (majority of Japanese decent). In the old racist days (its still a racist for some people), Canada and the USA had a white only policy unless you had big bucks. But Brazil had lots of land to farm and fish to cook (or catch), whatever sounds more fairly-tale like.

Anywho...
Many Japanese went to Brazil and their ancestors (not that long ago), became Japanese Brazilians. Many lost their language and culture (then came the ORCISH HORDES TO OBLITERATE the heathen. WAIT that might be WARCRAFT, just ignore that part).

Now Japan needs workers to do factory work and a declining population to sustain those jobs so they looked to the people that might fit well back into their society (people of Japanese decent are good idea they thought).

There were many Brazilians I met from all walks of life in Japan. Many of the students I got along with fabulously, as we were all in the same boat and sinking together in Japan (language, culture, food whatever).

I did meet a few rougher around the edge Brazilians. One was a muscular guy that did Tae Kwon Doe his name was Akira. His name was like the famous anime. If you don't know it its called AKIRA (you guess it right the name of the movie is the same as the lead characters name, coincidence?)
I felt like he was the kind of leader of a gang with gold chains and sweatpants. His track style jacket blew in the wind and his thick hair moved slightly in the wind (due to gel I think, but just as well could have been blood splatter).

Like this bike for the movie AKIRA, but this guy isn't half as cool.

As I probably mentioned in a previously blog story, one day I was walking and he pulled up in a car. It was odd, because I didn't know he had a car (I saw him on a bike before), and two he was in my neck of the woods. He asked me if I wanted a ride (not really I thought). "Sure", I answered. Dumb.....

Hopefully he won't kill me whilst driving. Either with a knife or the car.

As we started to drive he turned his music up (Brazilian rap), no doubt saying F the Canadians!
I told him nice car. He said "I stole it". I considered jumping out while it was moving, but thought he'd win and get his way by killing me.

"Umm is it a joke?", I asked.

I should have realized, it would be like this.

He didn't answer.
I had a vision of me driving down the street and getting stopped by the police. Them looking at me and asking why a nice rule abiding citizen driving around with a car thief.
Then I popped back to reality (Whoops there goes gravity. That's an Eminem line fyi, if you aren't a hipster like me).
We drove by the police station (police box in Japan) at a high speed. If that won't get their attention I wasn't sure what would.
He drove across town to a building I'd never seen. He stopped. A few thugs got out speaking in Portuguese. I wasn't sure if they were saying if they wanted to say hello or wanted to F me up.
I tried my only Portuguese I knew, "GOOD MORNING! BONJIA!" They smiled. I figured if there was an attempt to f me up at this point I was going to repeat good morning until it stopped.
Some smiles all around. Talking of which I didn't understand one word. I was in the hood, in Japan. And there were no Japanese.

I picked up my phone like the actor I am (a crappy one), "Umm Akira, my girlfriend asked me to come home for dinner". He looked at me, "Its 4PM.".

Sh%t.

"She likes to eat early and she's very strict with me", I said.
The strict part is true.

He took me back. He seemed to want to dance in the car on the way back with the song (we didn't have Taylor Swift back then). I did a little Bollywood music video dance, and he laughed.
I didn't get killed, maybe due to that dance.

He asked me where I lived. Sh%t.

"Uhhh near a rice field", hoping to be as vague as possible..

"Ya but you are in a hurry, where? I drive you home", he said.

"No its all good, where you picked me up, I'll run home for exercise".

I got out and ran for the hills (in this case the rice fields).

A few weeks later I was at the judo club and saw someone who knew him. "Hey I heard you went on a joyride in Akira's car".

The rumor was out I guess.

"Ya I did", I responded.

"Did you know the car was full of drugs?", he said.
I laughed, he laughed too.

I hoped it was a joke but I didn't want to confirm either way.
I'm fairly sure it was a joke, but I don't want to wager any bet on it.

I wasn't entirely confident so I didn't put a wager on it.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
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Feces At Karaoke

Feces at Karaoke

I may have mentioned before I was a student in Japan before being an English teacher.

I was on a program with students from all over the world, with different personalities. Some good, some not so good (mine’s good though).

Ha, I like.

One time we had a school trip to Shikoku Island (the kind of small one South of Kansai (Western Japan).
The students at a local University were hosting us and letting us stay at their place.

They all lived by themselves in super small apartments. For some reason or other my host didn’t have a proper heater and it was super cold. I tried wearing my socks, but someone told me its bad for circulation, so I took them off. That was all that came off (replace off with out, also OK) that night, I wish I had a female host to keep me warm. Joke, joke!

While sleeping my feet started to get warm and I started to giggle a few times as if someone was tickling the bottom of my feet. In the morning the Hawaiian guy who was sleeping with his head at my feet, was like “How was your sleep sweetheart? Mine would have been nice if you didn't keep sticking your stinky toes in my mouth. I tried to swat them away and I heard you laughing like a little girl”.  Sounded about right.

On the plus side I no longer needed a shower as his mouth and tongue had cleaned (cleansed) the sweat from my feet (as well as the lint). Bonus!

On our second night we went to a restaurant that was all you can drink. I imagine the restaurant had never seen such big foreigners ready to stir up some shi%t. It would have been fine if only the people who can handle their alcohol drank, but some of the nerdy types took it upon themselves to feel like they were a member of the in crew and couldn't handle their liquor (not me though for once).

We continued at karaoke and everyone kept drinking. I was doing pretty well and having a merry old time. When one of the guys threw up, one guy (a bigger American named Matt) helped him to the bathroom.

That drunk individual apparently decided it was a good time to go to the bathroom (no not a number one) while barely able to stand. Thirty minutes passed and he didn't come out.

The bigger guy who helped him went back to check on him. He jumped over the stall (yes not under). Would have been great to see. He found the individual slumped over passed out. He helped him stand up and asked another American guy to help carry him out. They both told me later they thought they smelled manure (feces). And continued to take him out.

Most people were thinking this guy was in bad shape and should be cut off his alcohol.

The smell of manure entered my nose from across the room. A poignant (big word for powerful) smell.

That's what the pit toilet probably said to him. No face on it though.

The individual started blabbering about aliens so I knew it was time to take him home. As he walked he was pushing things over, barely able to stand. Finally was we were walking down an alley he walked into a big karaoke sign (with flashing lights on it). The lights broke and the damage seemed extensive (oh shiz. I considered running). One of the Japanese students entered the karaoke place and told them the sign was broken. $750 to buy a new one they said. I was not aware until after the trip that the Japanese students went ahead and paid (Brutal. But very thoughtful). I think we should have blamed it on someone else myself. Something along the lines of “I saw an alien down the road that did it!”. This alludes to the fact the drunk guy mentioned aliens if you forgot that part already. If I have to explain it here its probably not as funny. If you are as astute as Sherlock Holmes you probably remember.

As we were walking the individual brushed by me, another American told me “Dude I think I see fecal stains on his clothes, watch out and don’t touch his clothes”. I looked.

I now understood where the smell had come from. He must have gone poopie on the floor then fell into it. When the two guys helped him they were probably getting covered with it.

The next day we were sitting on the bus and everyone was complaining it smelt like feces.

I don’t know if the individual forgot or had no other clothes, but he had not changed. I pitied his girlfriend sitting beside him. In addition to him smelling, he had a hangover and could throw up on her at anytime. Been there done that, never good. Not the feces part though (yet).

As we got off the bus, there was a bottle neck and I got pushed from behind (maybe on purpose, if yes then F you). As I was about to hit the individual and have dried feces enter my mouth the same guy who stopped me yesterday grabbed me and pulled me back.

He said “Dude you have to be more careful, I saved you again, do you have a death wish and want to be covered with crap?”.

Good question Watson (another Sherlock Holmes joke). I think not!

I later heard someone on the bus ask him what cologne he was wearing and then another guy responded, “Must be a real crap one”.

Ha! People are mean, but highly entertaining.

I bet he wishes it was a dream. Oh wait, he'd still do it.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

A Soccer Kick to the Demon Student Part 1

"A Swift Kick to the Shin should level things out I thought".


Have you ever wanted to a soccer kick someone in the face?
I have.


One my evil students, one of the worst in the school did his best to see if I could contain composure while going off at me. Unfortunately for him, I couldn’t.
I cannot emphasize how terrible he was. I heard him say a lot of terrible things, swear at minorities (Brazilian/ and Me), be racist, punch or kick teachers, say sexual comments to female teachers and abuse other students. He was never reprimanded to my knowledge. When I asked why he such a bad kid, a few of the teachers told me “His parents are divorced”. Dude, are you kidding me? Get of jail card because his parents are divorced, seriously WTF!?

I recall one day while attending a gym class the gymnasium was split into two sections, one for basketball and one for volleyball. One of the psychologists was there. She was saying something to him and he grabbed the volleyball and threw it into her face. I was across the gym and I could still see the upset / hurt look on the psychologist’s face. She never came back to the school. I wish I could say it was the last day for me too.

Ouch, that hurts. 

I also helped out during gym doing Judo classes, as you know I am part Ninja. It was OK until his class showed up. I hoped since Judo is quite a dangerous sport he would not do anything stupid.
Of course, he was an idiot so I should have been thinking how to minimize the stupid things he is about to do.
We practiced a throw which involves putting your leg between the person’s leg and throwing them. This throw could be slightly altered however by turning the throw into a kick to the balls, and of course the person would jump, instead of get thrown.

See where the nut kick comes in? Doesn't feel good.

After witnessing him do this to a few of his friends, the head Judo teacher was laughing about it. I didn’t see humour in getting a guys balls kicked in, but he far outranked me, so I shut my mouth.
Finally the head teacher says all the kids will get to throw our foreigner judo teacher (me) with their favourite throw and to announce the throws name before they did it.
When I got to him, I saw a glint in his devilish eyes. He said “Uchi mata” the throw which I stated above can be turned to a ball kick. As he went to put his foot into my nuts, I jumped avoiding the kick to the nuts. He yelled out “WTF! THIS GUY IS A WIMP! He is afraid of me!”.
And guess what, I was! He’s becomes the devil’s spawn due to his parents getting divorced. Cue cry me a river by Justin Timberlake here please. I don’t recall any of my friends whose parents are divorced do that kind of crap.


One day while the school it was hot as hell, he was doing his typical mouthing off thing. Saying stupid things and harassing other students. The main English teacher had left the room to get some papers from the staff office.
This left me with the devil incarnate and twenty other kids. Another five of them being his demon friends with heat that did feel like the fires from hell.
This one particular day he decided to spray himself with perfume. I would like to say it was cologne since he is a man, but due to its smell I can only guess it was some old lady’s perfume.
There could have been a number of reasons he doused himself with this foul smelling crap. On the top of the list is that either he smelled like smoke because he liked to do underage smoking, or perhaps the later, that he was an ass and wanted to annoy and harass other students.
Might have been a combination.
I never liked the kid and felt like there was something very wrong with him in the head. The things I had seen him done and the way he interacted with the other kids told me he was one bad dude.
There was weekly psychologists there to assess the kids. I didn’t really have much contact with them, but they came in and had talks with the bad kids, or would watch them interact in classes. They didn’t really say much to me personally, although I did one time breakdown to one of them and told her I wanted to soccer kick one of the kids in the face. I wondered if that was right to tell her, or if I had teacher patient, school psychologist confidentiality. Probably not.
I would hope its not abnormal to want to kick someone in the face.
Everyone must want to do it at some point in time to someone right?

BLOG Part 2 next time...... for continuation

Click here for Part 2
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/2012/06/soccer-kick-to-demon-student-part-2.html

Ya like that. Only he sees it coming less.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

He Swallowed a Fly, Perhaps he'll Die!

He swallowed a fly, I don't know why, but perhaps he'll die.

I didn't even need the chopsticks, due to my ninja skills.

I was at my neighborhood Judo club one night. I had a bit of a cold so I figured I would take it easy. I thought wrong! The teacher who is the best at groundwork (chokes, armlock, pain locks) called me over. “Hey, come and do groundwork with me”, he said. OK I was thinking, I’ll just go one time and very lightly. So we started off really going at it, eventually he ended up with me on my back and he started to crush me with his weight. I knew he loved chokes so one was probably coming, but I wasn’t prepared for what was about to happen.

Something fell into my throat and I couldn’t breathe. He started to choke me at the same time, and I felt like throwing up. It felt like I was being choked from the inside out and well as from the outside, like someone took a lego block and shoved it down my windpipe. I tapped and he didn’t let go. “Don’t be a wimp, the choke is barely on”, he said to me. I started to see aurora borealis and then more colours dancing in the sky (cool rainbow of death). Perfect I thought, I am about to die. He probably saw me turning purple but because he is a stubborn S.O.B he didn’t let go. “What’s with you tonight? You don’t usually give up so easily? You are a wimp”, he whispered into my ear. Hmm, insult on top of slowly draining my life force, that’s nice.

This is what I saw and I started to pass out, beautiful. Then, I started to die.

 As my eyes flickered for the last few times, he eased up a little but held the position (good only a little brain damage), but whatever was in my throat was going further down. It felt like someone had just taken a spoon and was ramming in down my throat. And by that, I totally mean the round end, all the way to the base of my throat and moving it back and forth like the bottom of the ice cream bucket, getting the last bit. The air couldn’t even enter my nostrils or mouth, it felt like the life was being sucked out of me (maybe he’s a vampire? But his breath smelled like garlic so maybe not). What seemed like forever, was probably about 20 seconds. As I stopped moving to try to save myself from death the judo teacher let go (or was I unconscious and just dreaming that?). Somehow I ended up on my side and then someone pushed my back (resuscitation technique), I turned over with my face towards the mat and started throwing up. Only the bile couldn’t pass whatever was in my throat. Guess what came out!? A huge fly! It must have either flown into my throat or was on his judogi (judo clothes). So my eyes were all watery and I felt like half the fly was still in my throat. I had a feeling part of it was  because when it came out it was dead as a nail, and tasted like one too. Nasty! The judo teacher finally retorted, “Is that all? You think that was blocking you? You should have blocked the choke”. I didn’t know if he was joking, the size of the fly was the biggest I’ve ever seen in my life. It reminds me of something exotic which only grows in the Amazon or something. There were a lot of Brazilians in my town, maybe one of them brought it as a pet. Secondly how do you block a choke when you are pre-choking before the judo choke is even on. Its a little overkill, or in my cause almost kill.
I continued trying to breath properly for the rest of the night, but it felt was if there was something rancid in my throat, possibly the wings or the taste of the bile that pushed the fly out in the first place. 
Gross! 

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

  

Funky Skin Rashes and Ancient Languages

Funky Skin Rashes and Ancient Languages

I think I did upload it, or at least I did do other pics like when I had a purple toe and black eye.

While in Japan I got some funky skin rashes. It’s called athlete’s foot in English, but in Japan they called it “mizu mushi”, which basically means water bug / insect. WTF? I have a water bug in my skin. Then I looked it up and the other word in English is ringworm. I guess the Japanese word is true. Its basically bacteria on the skin that starts doing the funky chicken or perhaps  in our case the funky worm.

I wasn’t sure how I got it, but I was rolling around doing judo groundwork with a lot of questionable people. I hoped it was from me wearing sweaty socks all the time including in winter, where I wore 3 pairs at once to stay warm.

According to Wikipedia athlete’s foot is a fungus and will grow more rapidly in the following conditions
1) Crowded or Humid conditions. That's me!
2) Sweat excessively. That's me!
3) Participate in close sports like wrestling and soccer. That's me!
4) Wear tight constrictive clothing with poor aeration. That's me!
5) Have a weakened immune system. Hope not!

I think I met 4 of the 5 best conditions for it to grow. Number 5 nope, at least I hope anyways.

Summer seemed to be the worst though, that damn humidity never lets up. I saw all the teachers wore socks inside, but sometimes I was so sweaty, I took them off. I’m sure they were horrified.
But what else is new? I did wear underwear (despite what you may have heard through the rumour mill).

I finally decided it was getting progressively worse so I went to the doctor. The Japanese doctor looked at it and said you need to go to the skin doctor.
So, off on my jolly way I went.
It was my first time to a skin doctor. I had never been to one in Canada either so I wasn’t sure what to expect.
I envisioned a room full of people with goiters on their necks (big huge weird balls of skin).
When I arrived I found a room full of people waiting. It had a very “countryside” feel to it.
A girl looked at me, “Mama there is a gaijin (foreigner) here”. I contemplated responding “Ya and I understand you.” But, alas I decided against it.
My name was called from the front “Mr.Gaijin”. I was like ummm that’s not really my name but OK. I entered the room where a chipper older Japanese doctor sat. He had a big smile on his face, like he was happy to see me.
“Konnichi wa Mr.Gaijin. Do you understand Japanese?” he pondered. “Well, yes a little”, I answered. He looked even more happy. “You are the first gaijin to my office. I am happy to meet you. Are you American?”. “No”, I answered. “Oh, where are you from, perhaps a Brit?”. “Ahem, no, I’m Canadian”. He seemed to think about that for a minute like it didn’t register. Finally “Good. That’s good, let’s have a look at your hairy gorilla like skin”. No! He didn’t say that, but I think it would have been funny if he had.
He started inspecting my skin with a magnifying glass. He then grabbed a knife and my foot and locked it between his legs. I had a feeling he was about to filet my toes. Instead he grabbed my foot and scrapped a bunch of skin from my foot. It was pretty painful, but I tried to keep my mouth shut..
He took the skin fragments and looked at them with his high powered microscope.
“Ah HA!” he yelled. “Just as I expected, its Tinea pedis”. I was like “Sorry, what? Tina who?”. As far as I recall I don’t remembering doing judo with anyone named Tina. He seemed surprised I didn’t understand and handed me a book of skin conditions, it had Japanese on one side and some weird language on the other. He pointed to it, “Here it's written in English”. I was like ummmm….. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it sure wasn’t English, maybe Polish or Russian I thought. After a minute I realized it must be Latin cause it had roots of things that never made sense to me like “magnus” “corporis” , “malus”, “Ginormous”. That last one I added in myself, I was just trying to go with the flow. In-case you didn’t know ginormous was recently added into English dictionaries due to its popular usage on the pop culture scene.
I finally told the doctor “Actually its called Latin. English does have some roots in it, but I don’t speak or understand it.”. He looked baffled. “Do you mean you don’t speak your own language?”, he asked. “No, I do. Its just that this is not my language. I mean it did add words and stuff to my language but its not my language”, I answered.
As always I don’t think I did a great job of explaining it to him. He seemed baffled.
Being the smart alleck I am, I thought I would give him a great metaphor. “So you speak Japanese right? Japanese characters came from Chinese, so if someone shows you something in Chinese they might think you speak Chinese, but probably you can’t read it, well to a degree you can, cause the base of the character meaning would be the same”. Blank stare on his face. Then, “ I don’t speak Chinese”, he answered. I didn’t know how to answer him, I had done a piss poor job of explaining it to him, what else is new.
He started writing something down and told me I would need to take oral medicine five times a day. That’s annoying I thought. In Japan they always give low dosages of medicine, and most foreigners find it quite weak. Most books for foreigners coming to Japan recommend bringing your own medicine, half of our medicine is banned though, be careful.
He looked at me and said “If you don’t take care of the tinea pedis it will become tinea cruris”. 
Crap! He definitely did not comprehend I didn’t speak Latin.
I asked him to write the words down so I could perhaps look through a Latin dictionary later (if I could find one, maybe in the Vatican?) to decipher his dead archaic language.

I looked up the word later, it said it meant jock itch.
NO THANKS I'LL PASS!

I started bathing my feet in vinegar everyday cause I read on the internet, it helps cure it.
My girlfriend commented a few times it smelled like “sushi rice”. Ha!
I don't think anyone wants to eat rice that has touched my feet.

If I ever go to a make your own wine place, I'm not drinking the wine I crush with my bare-feet.

Let's see. Doesn't look that hard to understand. Latin is the same as English right?

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Don't Put Screwdrivers In Your Ear!

 Don't Put Screwdrivers In Your Ear!

This may seem obvious to most people. 
A few times with my bad students I was tempted to get a screwdriver and try it.

Anyways...

You know that saying you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Perhaps, I should rephrase it to “Dumb people are dumb”. In this case it applies to me (most of my stories should be called this).

I started to enjoying cleaning out my ears in Japan. Although I’ve always enjoyed cleaning out my ears with kleenex in Canada, I’ve never been a fan of cotton swabs aka Q-tips. Doesn’t get deep enough and I find myself scratching till the white end is a mix of wax and blood.That’s attractive.
Kleenex on the other hand is delightful. First off, you can roll it into a little round point and probe deep into your skull or to be exact, deep inside your ear in this case. I think that’s a play on words, skull deep as in ear in your skull, plus I used the word case in a different meaning, which could also be a skull. I should be a poet. OK, moving on....

I love the feeling of that soft pillowy freshness going in and cleaning the wax out to my heart’s content.

Oh yes, that kleenex feels good. I would suggest trying it but finish the blog story first.

While living in Japan as a student, I lived with a host family. They found it quite funny that I was into the dollar store (Daiso in Japan) so much. I think due to that, they may have bought me dollar store kleenex. Either that, or it was some crappy Japanese brand, which fell apart as it was being rubbed. At first I was using a Japanese ear cleaner, a hard wooden scraper, but I was tempted to push it in so deep and scratch so much my ears were bleeding inside.

Try that in your ear and see how it feels. I never tried the fluffy end, that seemed "weird" to me. Kleenex is better.

As I was using the Japanese kleenex rolled up into a round shape I felt half of it rip off.
UH OH!
I couldn’t reach it with my fingertips and I couldn’t seem to get it out.
I hoped it might come out if I tilted my head to one side. I banged my head with the other hand as if it was a liquid to get some movement but no dice, just a little brain damage.
It occurred to me that I was an idiot for losing a rolled up piece of kleenex in my ear. To top it off this was not the first time I had lost something in my ear.
I could hear the kleenex pushing deeper inside my ear canal as I tried to reach it. It felt like it was pushing against my eardrum. That’s nice, it was like someone was rolling up a piece of paper inside my eardrum. Then pushing against my eardrum with a pencil, oh fun.
Being the cheap person I am, I didn’t want to go to the doctor. The doctor is very expensive in Japan and I thought it might come out naturally, big mistake there. I just came across an article on the internet when I was looking for a picture for this blogpost and it said “Sometimes little children put things in their ears, bugs, pebbles, dirt. It’s important to have any foreign object removed immediately”.
I informed my host mother I had lost something inside my ear and that I wasn’t going to the doctor. She was not impressed.
My next genius idea was to spray as much water in it as I could. I thought in theory, this should make it all soft and then it was flush out. That didn’t work. As it dried and perhaps started to become harder like papermache, I could hear it drying inside my ear. The sound was magnified x 100.
If I slept on my side I could hear the ocean as the water sloshed back and forth on the kleenex which at that point must have started to be covered in wax.
A week went by. My Japanese listening test scores started to drop. The Japanese teacher asked why. I told her it felt like my one ear was oozing with sweat every time I put the headphones on and I couldn’t hear well. She told me I should go to the doctor. I let her know that I had no intention of going to the doctor regardless of how painful or irritating it got, I had money to save.
I’m good with my money as you can tell, regardless of long term health damage ;-)  .
She told me that she believed a doctor was coming in two more weeks that usually sees students who have monetary issues and there was no charge. I told her that sounded good and got myself signed up. I tried to explain the problem in Japanese. Does it hurt they asked? Well, feels like something is pushing on my eardrum so yes, on top of that I hear weird sounds of the kleenex changing shape and sometimes I can’t hear regular sounds well.
They again suggested I go immediately to the doctor, but I declined.

I waited two weeks. I received a phone call during a Japanese history test to come see the on-site doctor. I informed the teacher I needed to do something and I didn’t know when I’d be back. He said OK.
I went to the Universities head office. I had never been there before. A female doctor asked me what ear. I pointed. She pulled out a huge long metal tong and slowly put it in my ear. I felt some relief as something was plucked from inside my ear. She had heard the story from the staff that I had waited 3 weeks. I assume she thought I was a total idiot because she told me she would give it to me. Most people would just throw it out I thought.
She showed it to me and it was amazing! It was essential an earwax candle. There was a wick in the middle made of hard kleenex / papermache and then on top of that my body had repeatedly created wax to protect me from it. I thought it was pretty cool.
I went back to class during the test carrying it. One of the Hawaiian guys asked how it went.
“Good dude, I have an earwax candle, wanna see?”. I showed it to him and a few other students looked up, they were horrified. “GROSS! THROW IT OUT!”, they yelled. I wish I had kept it, but I threw it out. Perhaps I could have marketed the thing as 100% natural wax.  
Sadly, that wasn’t the first time I had lost something in my ear.
While clubbing in Canada I had put some massive pink earplugs in to save my ears from the loud music. My friends told me it wasn’t cool so the next time I put these round wax skin colour balls in my ears. My friends said it was still visible so I ripped off more and more wax till it just so tiny it just covered my ear hole. Unfortunately it was so small, one of them went inside my ear canal and I couldn’t get it out. My friend suggested I just drink it off.
It didn’t work. The next day as I lay hungover my mother tried to get the ball out with a needle. I hoped she wouldn’t pierce my ear drum.
After a few days I went to the doctor. Medical is free in Canada, oh ya! Even for stupid people.
The doctor used a high pressure water gun to blast it out of my ear. It felt kind of nice, like cleaning the inside out with a kleenex, I contemplated asking for another go with it.
I finally got it out. He told me that was dumb and you should never stick anything bigger than an elbow in your ear.
I agreed with him and promised him I wouldn’t do it ever again.
Then the Japan story happened.

The worst part. It probably won’t be the last time I lose something in my ear.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

  

Radiation Man, Can I get some gamma radiation too please?

Radiation Man, Can I get a little Gamma Radiation too?

If you are going to poison me with radiation please add a little gamma radiation for good luck!

If you don't get this joke it refers to the HULK. Bruce Banner gets overdosed with Gamma Radiation which basically makes him invincible.
That might be nice. Of course at the same time you will become a big green monster and destroy everything, but hell I can live with that.

When I was teaching in Japan on the Jet Programme we had to do a number of tests. Urine tests, I found pretty annoying. They asked that the first pee of the day be entered into a special vial then brought to work. To be honest, I didn't find that too sanitary. For most of my time in Japan I didn't have a car, so I would use my granny bike to get to work. I'm sure on more than one occasion people were wondering why I had a vial of pee in my granny basket.

One time the top was a bit loose, so I put it in a plastic bag. When I went to hand the school nurse the vial it seemed to be wet. Whoops!
I threw the bag out, I didn't really want to bring back my coffee mug in it.

Another of these tests that were required was X-ray's. I didn't quite understand why, it seemed so often. I think it was about once every six months or more. A huge truck would come to the school parking lot. They told the men to rip their shirts off and get at it. Finally one day I asked if I could possible get some lead shielding or something since I had been through quite a few X-ray's that year. Beyond the school once I had about 3 on my neck. Plus Superman couldn't see me (inside joke for comic nerds here, Superman can't see through lead!).
They looked at me funny. It seemed to me that whatever they were looking for they didn't think the radiation was a big deal. I thought at least a lead vest or something that they provide in Canada would be nice. Maybe I can hold it around my waist so at least I don't get cancer down there. That would be a bonus.

Finally after the fourth X-ray at school I asked what they are looking for. They told me tuberculosis. I was like what the heck? Isn't that some old world disease that died out 100 years ago? No one seemed to understand.
Since no one got it, I figured I better push my point. Black plague, isn't it like black plague? Since I didn't know the Japanese word for that I substituted death for plague. Don't you guys know black death is over? No response.
I think the X-ray technician thought I was nuts.
I tried to make a joke "Any chance I can get a little gamma radiation thrown in?". Bam!
I thought it was hilarious and started to laugh. I could see on his face he had no idea what I was talking about. Plus I didn't know the word for gamma radiation in Japanese so I just said it the way it sounds. That makes it even more cryptic.

After the X-ray I decided to bring it up at one of our weekly foreigner teacher meetings. "Hey do you guys think I can get too much radiation from X-rays? Its so stupid they even make us take it, after all who the heck gets tuberculosis these days?".
Everyone seemed to agree with me.
Well, guess what.
My good friend Mack's X-rays came back positive for tuberculosis. I couldn't believe it.
He mentioned he had been in Thailand for two weeks during Christmas and it must have got it there.
Its transferred through coughing.
He mentioned they told him he was banned from school and considered a threat to everyone by his school. He was to stay home on bed rest for 1 month and take anti-biotics. I thought this sounded great. A chance to get away from my bad students.
I asked him if he wouldn't mind coughing on me a bit.
He told me that it wouldn't be much fun though, as he had to sustain from tea and crumpets and eat healthy. Those crazy Brits! Crumpets and tea ha!

This isn't our X-ray. But it does apparently show Tuberculosis. I didn't even know it exists in the world anymore.

As you recall Mack was one of my better friends during my first year in Japan. When we first arrived he had come out with us one night, forgot where he lived and didn't have a contact from anyone from his school. He ended up staying with me for a few days.
One morning we looked in the fridge for some food. I hadn't bought much yet and all my pots and pans were from the dollar store, the lowest quality you could get.
He found some eggs in the fridge and brought them out. He saw the bananas and said that would be good cooked together. I'd never heard of eggs mixed with banana but I thought it must be some British delicacy.
As we cooked it the pot started to melt. It was so cheap (I guess aluminum) it couldn't stand up to low heat.
After it was done I threw the half melted pot out (its illegal to throw out in the garbage I found out).

As I took a bite of my slightly metally banana eggs mix, I was shocked. It was the worst thing I had ever tasted. Mind you, metal doesn't help anything taste good, but I thought it might be edible. I glanced at Mack and he scowled, "Emm this is terrible". Uhhh... he recommended it so I didn't know what to say.
"You have eaten this before right?", I inquired.
"No, I just thought it might be good and its all we had", he answered.

F!

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva