Driver's License for Rejects

Driver's License for Rejects Please

I always do stupid things, I can't seem to learn. Like her!

In this case the story is about me. I wasn't sure if I should just Driver's License for idiots, or something a little less politically correct, or maybe even say for special needs to be more polite.

In this case who is the special needs? Well, surprise! Its me.

Why?

I always think I'm really smart, but in reality I'm not (as you may know from previous blog posts). This is reinforced to me whenever I do something stupid. My wife reiterates to me it was very stupid and why it was stupid in hopes that I can learn not to do it again. She hopes, but I don't learn.

After half a year in Japan my co-worker and I (an American who lived in the same building complex) decided to buy a car.
We were biking everyday to school and it just wasn't working.
Don't get me wrong, as I've mentioned in previous posts, while Granny bikes with baskets with no gears aren't cool, they are definitely convenient. You can put groceries in the basket and feel like you are the Wicket Witch of the West (my pretties!).

The problem was the weather. We could never catch a break. It was either too cold or too hot and we always ended up at school last minute or usually late (not due to any fault on my behalf I might add).

In the summer I'd get to school panting like a dog. My shirt literally dripping with sweat. Let me tell you my body hair definitely did not help the matter. I'm like a freaking monkey. Its not hard to see lack of evolution on my body, perhaps I didn't evolve and that's the problem.

In Winter I'd bundle layer and layer of clothes to try to retain some standard of warmth within my soul. I'd be freezing when I came to work and have to slowly move my joints near a heater to move again. And those heaters are full of kerosene so they stink and probably cause brain damage (I felt that was a good reason for my brain damage and I used as an excuse to my wife).

And hence, we decided to buy a car. In this case, we decided to split the cost of a K-Car (or Kei car in Japan, basically light car). A mini car that is good on gas and easy to drive (for any idiot, me yeah!). Remember that in Japan the steering wheel and roads are opposite to North America. That didn't go well the first few drives. The ditches were like a hole through the Earth, like when a child tries to dig a hole to China, only 100 times deeper.

Since my co-worker was American his International Permit was only valid for one year and mine as well. Our only hope was for me to get a Japanese Driver's license. You see Canada is lucky in the fact we have a driving treaty with Japan. If you show your Canadian valid license you just need to pass a few minor tests and you get one.
In the case of American, Australians etc, you need to do the whole full test thing. Go through tedious driving tests much stricter than at home. What degree is the temperature inside the car and out by gauging with your tongue? I couldn't get that one.

Since it was easiest for Canadian's I thought..... let's do it (mother trucker).

I went to the license centre in a nearby town.
"OK, do you speak Japanese?", he asked.
"Yes, a little", I humbly replied.

"Fill out this questionnaire and then give it back", he said.

I looked at the questionnaire.
1). How many CC's was the car you drove on your test day?
I don't even know what CC's mean. Canadian Club and Coke?
2). What was the make and model you drove on your test day?
No clue, it was from the driving school.
3). What was the season you drove your car in during your test?
I thought I could calculate that by the date the license was issued. "Fall kind of", I wrote. Precise!
4). What was the tire on the vehicle?
Again, no clue. Round? And made of rubber. Incase he didn't know.
5). Was the gas tank full when you drove?
I don't know why its relevant unless they ask you to simulate an emergency with bullets shooting in the gas tank. Again no clue. It was empty, the driving test couldn't proceed and they passed me.
Not funny maybe.

The other questions were mundane (ya cool word for simple).

As I finished the remaining questions he told me its time for an eye test.

He explained to me very slowly what I was to look for like I was an idiot. The best part I am.

"So picture one what do you see?", he asked.
"A letter C", I answered.

He was silent.
"There is no letter C on this test, what do you see?", he asked again.
"A yellow C", I answered.

"No you don't", he said.

But I did.

He changed his description of what I was supposed to do, the space where is it, which I kept describing as C cause that seemed most logical to me (am I Spock?).
"OK must be a language issue. The space, where is the space on the character?" (I wish he added in "you stupid foreigner").
"Its a C facing up", I told him.
"Now a C facing down", I told him.

He sighed a few times, gave up explaining, and told me I passed.
He thought there was a language barrier, but little did he know I was just a reject (idiot).

It occurred to me in Canada, our eye exams include a letter board full of the English alphabet, some big some small, they ask you to read out the letter they point at.

More smaller letters than this. Lean forward to cheat.

In Japan, I think the point was it was supposed to be a small circle with a small missing out of it, to me a letter C. The point being that you specify which part of the circle is missing, in my case saying the direction of the C.

Ya Luke Skywalker, you rebel scum!

In the end it didn't prevent my co-worker from driving without a license.
I'd often come out looking for the car to pick my wife up from the train station late at night and the car was gone.
A few times I thought it was stolen but he told me he took out for dinner. I was astonished as he had no license.
I shouldn't have bothered with the test and made him drive everyday.
In the end the car started to fall apart, I didn't need to press the gas peddle and it would go on its own.
We didn't want to waste money on repairs so we paid to have it scrapped. I suggested it was a waste of money and we should just drive it off a cliff or into the lake (ideally not whilst inside, although it could be fun if we didn't die).

He told me that was bad thing to do, which I reminded him he was driving around illegally without a driver's license which is not really much different.

Oh boy! A true idiot.

Other funny stories from this blog
 http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Food Poisoning by Special Students

Food Poisoning by Special Students 

Anko and Unko
Similar words very different meanings.

I used to love my special needs students. At first, the main English teacher would go to class himself. Then, he introduced us and said we could team teach with him. That seemed good. At that time there were three special need students. They seemed to lack emotion sometimes but on the opposite end of the scale were very extreme other days. Very angry or upset. And I wasn't sure what their level of communication was in general, let alone their English when I first went to the classes.
Instead of team teaching it became alone teaching, as in just me. It would have been OK if there was someone there to discipline them, but I'm a little soft and I didn't want to upset them (in their fragile state).
One girl liked to scratch her nails on the board. I asked her to stop in English. Other-times while teaching them something, she would repeat “Moshi moshi” five thousand times. It means “Hello” on the telephone, but can also be used to get someone's attention. She was relentless with it, so I started to go insane (the joke was on them, I already had!).
Another mistake I made with her was to give her my telephone number. She said she wanted to text me. I was under the impression she meant once in a while,  not every ten minutes. When I didn't respond she would send hate texts about how I was ignoring her and being rude. I informed her I was asleep as it was night-time and she shouldn't be using her phone so late.
Eventually I gave up and told her teacher I needed her to delete my number and inform her not to scratch her nails on the board as I was living in a horror film being around her (I think the RING). 
That was true, it was a horror film life.
One boy, I wasn't too sure what his situation was. He hung out with the bad kids and swore a lot in Japanese. I think he liked me but it was hard to tell (he didn't hit me or scratch his nails, so bonus there). One time during my farewell party with all of them, the special needs teacher mentioned they had made lunch for me. Lucky me I thought!
I was excited, until I saw the bad kid pick his nose, then scratch his bum and put his hands back into the rice. I was a bit horrified. I contemplated how I could come up with an excuse to get out, since I was already there.
He kept repeating he had put “unko” into the rice balls. If you didn’t know unko means excrement or crap in English. I hoped that it was just a special needs joke, or he was mispronouncing.
It sounds a lot like “anko” which is sweet bean and fairly common in rice balls.

Well it might look like "unko" aka crap, but this one is "anko" red bean.
The taste shouldn't be similar, at least in theory.

I really hoped he had not put “unko” into the rice balls. As I went to put my first bite into the balls he had an evil grin on his face, “Enjoy the “unko”!”, he said. It seemed he had added a lot salt and seaweed as well, which is weird if its sweet bean. I'm no cook like Jamie Oliver, but those don't go together. If it was indeed crap then he had covered up the flavour quite well with the salt and seaweed. No matter what it was inside I had a feeling I was about to get a sore stomach and severe diarrhea. What else is new!
I thanked them for the lunch (and was thinking where can I throw up?). They asked if I wanted to take any home. I said I was full and that I would be out at farewell parties so would have no chance to eat it.
As I left, I thought I overheard the bad boy say “Oh I gave him the wrong one, who ate the unko one?”. I hoped it was himself that ate it!

I'll try cleaning it after I die. My corporation will deal with my death.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva