Chikan those Damn Molesters!

Umm OK so the title is a bit awkward but its an ode to the truth.
Most people don't enjoy being molested / groped (I should say most. That sh%t isn't funny and its largely women who are the targets. You've probably seen it in the news recently).
I should say as its primarily men that are the predators, they deserve a taste of their own medicine in the worst way possible (stick it to the man you might say).

Well this is my experience sprinkled with a healthy dose of BS.
Enjoy!

I've come on the right train! Oh, maybe not.  

Before I had been to Japan I learned the word "Chikan". The combination of two Chinese characters meaning stupid man. Incase you didn't know it references how men generally are to women, stupid.
But the actual usage the word means groper or molester. Something you do not want to be called (and no I don't know from experience).

My teacher (a large white guy that had lived in Japan) had taught me the word in High School Japanese class. He informed me they even have books on how to do it, and he wanted one. Amazing I thought, oneday I should buy two of those (as a memento of a fu#cked up culture, NOT SO I could learn how to. Joke. I ALREADY KNOW! HA, kidding......). And the other book for that white guy Japanese teacher.

Anyways in Japan there are signs that say CHIKAN are criminals. As you can imagine normally you report a criminal.... in Japan this sort of crime, a bit hit and miss. I'm not sure if the older generation are too shy, or just accept it as something that happens (so don't make a big fuss). Sounds like the next generation is becoming less tolerant. I had a few students that told me if an old man even looks at them strange they yell and make a scene. Maybe things are changing.
I can't imagine anyone in Canada having the same problem. If someone yells "That dude just touched me" I suspect most people would help. And then as Russell Peters always says "someone gonna get a hurtin real bad". If you don't know what that means, you need to YouTube him, Funny guy (and no he isn't paying me to endorse him, unless he's reading this, then throw me some cash man, I'm wasting my time blogging).

I did have an attractive female Japanese friend who grew up in Canada and she carried a fork on return trips to Japan. I asked her what was with the fork and she said to stab the hands of chikan. LOL. They say violence isn't always the answer, but sometimes it is. Especially to those mofo's. Always look at a man's hands for forks marks, then you know what they do in their spare time.

My wife told me a story one time (she's not Japanese but she blends in with her Chinese Canadian looks). A chikan came after her so she walked away, instead of making a scene. How Japanese like.
She was pretty vague about it, but I had a feeling she didn't want me to go on a chikan hunt for him. I also planned to ask him to autograph the "how to book" whilst doing a citizens arrest (cause that's the way I roll).
With the autograph perhaps the value might sky rocket (to the Moon and back, just like Apollo 13. Fyi this is a funny joke for the highly space literate, or if you enjoy Tom Hanks movies).

The trains, especially during rush hour, are the best option to use the technique (this is not advice this is a fact, so don't get me wrong). Its like that movie "IDLE Hands" where the guy has a demon possessed hand that does what it wants and its detached. In this case though the hand's aren't detached (unless someone brings a really sharp fork), but they are most likely demon possessed (the person's brain as well, hence "stupid man").

Hmm, I might need some help figuring this one out. Assistance Vanna White?

The best trick is to pretend to read a newspaper and then let hands wander.
If its packed enough you don't even see where the hand is from like in my case. I recall onetime whilst being on a train in Tokyo during rush hour. I couldn't move and my legs were slightly apart due to my backpack between my feet.
I felt someone tickle my privates (WAIT what the fridge is going on!) I contemplated what kind of lady would do this. It was more than distracting. I repeated in my head what kind of a lady would do this.
Then I saw the hand as it reached higher, it looked like hair on it. I've never seen an Asian female with hair all over the back of the hand. This might be a gorilla OR...  !!!!!!!

WAIT A SECOND! This might not be a female it occurred to me. I did my best to move, so I could get away or tell the person to F off, but I couldn't move. Its like being stuck in a sardine can and you can't move. I mouthed F$%# off in English, but the person didn't comprehend it. I then said something like "I'm going to kill you" in Japanese. But the guy infront of me thought I meant him. He bowed his head down as if physically hurt. Unless my rage caused my telekinesis to start working again (you know move sh%t with your brain).

The hand slowly inched away, so whoever it was, got the message. I have a feeling that my rage while not unique to men, less about being hurt and more about hurting back, I wanted revenge.

If I had a fork it would have been a happy ending for me, stabbing his fingers. Turn his hand into Swiss Cheese. As I'm not a female I'm unsure how to say what its like but I imagine worse.

As I got off the train I looked as many people up and down as I could trying to determine who had gone for the gold. I couldn't figure out a suspect (it was slightly more complicated than Einstein's General Theory of Relativity which as I suspect you already know. My short explanation is that time Gravity warps space time and affects the bending of space time by gravitational attraction . I'd give a more thorough explanation, but I'm quite busy at the moment trying to unwind the double helix.)

I should mention that they are a few cars on the train or certain times when there are women only. Its written in English and in Japanese so there is no confusion. 

I know my father in law onetime got in one and wondered why so many women. LOL.

Since he looks Asian they must have thought the worst and hence avoided him like the black plague (its not that contagious don't worry about it).

If it says women only and you are not a women, DON'T GET ON! Unless you want to be murdered by forks!

Anyways regardless if its women only there are always going to be some perverts out there, as in my case, women only train wouldn't have helped. There are always "stupid men", perverts, molesters "chikan" around to get someone.

I hate you, but I also want your autograph for that book for market value gains.

Ain't dat the TRUTH! AMEN!

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Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

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http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

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http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Avoid getting molested

Avoid Getting Molested.

It ain't that fun (Well...usually).

Oh groundskeeper Willy how can you not love him?

After two years at my school I had the teachers personalities pinned. I knew who the party animal was, who the hardcore nerd was and everything inbetween. When drinking in Japan people really change and they let their ambitions fly (or maybe I should say drop. They dropped them like a hot potato). Most people don’t seem to regret anything they did the next day. I usually regretted everything I did, which was always drinking too much and saying stupid things (saying stupid things is everyday of my life though). And by drink too much I meant two beers or girly fizzy drinks.

I went home to Canada for a short trip after two years in the summer. When I came back I was at the school one day by myself with the vice principal. It was a little weird, since he didn’t seem to like foreigners and usually avoided me like I was infected with the black plague (although I might be. I always forget to have it checked).

I showed up to work at 8:30AM sharp as always. As you know in summer the kids don’t come to school and that day apparently neither did anyone else. Just me and the groundskeeper. I’d like to call him Willy. Groundskeeper Willy, but he was Japanese so let’s call him Tanaka. Groundskeeper Tanaka and I were keeping it real in the office, sitting around drinking tea (because that’s what people do in Japan). The vice principal who must have been at work but somewhere else in the building came into the office. He walked up to me “He betrayed us didn’t he?”. I had no clue what he was talking about. Although he never made sense even to the other teachers I was told. I had heard repeat stories about his mumbling and nonsensical statements. I wondered if this was one of them.

The guy never talks to me after two years and then says that and doesn’t explain himself. So I ran after him, "Sorry I don’t understand the topic". He kept mumbling about how he did it, he betrayed us.

I’m like great another student issue, those mother truckers.
 

Mother Truckers, I've had enough of those kids and their issues.

Then he looked at me with a stunned look. "Didn’t you read the newspaper?". Read the newspaper? Mother trucker I live in a foreign country and you write your newspapers in a combo of three alphabets, (Chinese characters) Kanji, Hiragana (for Japanese words) and Katakana (for foreign words). I responded politely with a smile, “No sir, I do not read the humble newspaper”. I threw the word humble in to make it more polite, although I'd never heard a Japanese say it that way, so perhaps it was also nonsensical. Moreover, the actual reason was because even if I could read I wouldn’t pay the cost for one (don't you know how cheap I am after two years with me?).

He grabbed a newspaper from beside the tea pot like with a determination like it was the end of the world. I was more interested in the tea and hoped he’d pour me some while he was up there. I guess I was a foreigner though, so probably below him to serve me. Fine I thought once he turns his back I’m pouring my own. And maybe refill his while I'm at it, where is his damn (humble) cup!

He handed me the paper and pointed out an article about molestation (yes, sadly I know the word in Japanese "Chikan"). Not a topic I knew anything about besides the word (no jokes about that, not going there).

"A vice principal hereby not being named which was formally at middle school in Nagahama city in Shiga prefecture, molested a girl and was placed under probation promising he will return to face charges. At the scene of the fire he saw a women run out from a fire, since she was suffering from smoke inhalation he took advantage of her and molested her chest using his elbows."
Oh, score I guess I can read the newspapers, I didn't know that.

But why am I reading this story? Its not one with a happy ending.

I didn’t understand the elbow part either, and asked him what it meant. What the heck is molesting with an elbow? I looked at groundskeeper Willy (I mean Tanaka) for support. He drank his tea in silence (I think pretending not to see me staring at him).

The vice principal explained a former teacher from our school was the culprit. I said oh. Who was it I asked. He told me the name. I freaked out a little (but no I didn't pee my pants if that's what you heard. THIS TIME!).

I had been with him quite a few times without others around. Especially dark areas with little or no light. He also asked me out for tea once (cause that's what people do in Japan) in a total bromance kind of way (we are both straight. I THINK). 
I wondered if he was trying to seduce me (he was doing a good job starting with tea).

I looked at the vice principal with a serious look. He didn’t molest me, if that’s why your telling me this, I informed him. He gave me a strange look of puzzlement. He explained that many parents also deduced (solved) who it was. They were worried about their kids having been molested. I said oh, OK. I thought you were worried about me.

He answered not so much and walked away. That's a joke, he just walked away, but I'm sure he didn't care, if he did he would have poured me some tea.

Groundskeeper WIlly (Tanaka) and him left the office, the office phone rang. 

No one to pick it up. Crap!

I wasn’t sure what to do. I yelled down the hallways, “Uhhhh the phone is ringing! Hello? Anyone alive....?”. No answer.

Molester must have got them.

I decided to answer the phone. “Hello this is blah blah middle school and you are speaking to a foreigner how can I help you today?”. The person must have misheard who it was because they started blabbing to me in intelligible local dialect. My listening skills have never been as good as my speaking (the same as my English. Its called "selective listening", I don’t care what anyone has to say. I just want to talk only my wife says).

So I answered with the following....

"I’m sorry to inform you that the honorific chair of Mr.Molester’s name (unsure if that's who she is even asking for) is unoccupied at the moment. His whereabouts unknown (Perhaps hiding from the police).

Therefore please call back when there are Japanese people in the office (or anyone that cares what you have to say cause I don't)."

The vice principal came back shortly after.

“Oh um there was a phone call”, I said.

“Who was it?”, he asked.

I thought about this and tried to think of something funny to say.
Instead something stupid came out.

“The molester”, I answered.

“He betrayed us”, he said sternly.

“Ya thanks, I got that the first time”, I answered. 

Like a broken record this guy.

I decided not to tell him it wasn't the molester, I did laugh though.

I repeat DO NOT MOLEST THE ALLIGATORS!

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Train Etiquette and Such

Train Etiquette and Such

You can say that again. I did see some foreigners do this (maybe me too. Little secret!)

You know there are a lot of rules on the train in Japan. Most of them involve behind considerate of others. But let’s get serious, we know foreigners are not going to be considerate and to top it off they are going to walk all over the rules and feign ignorance. I know cause I did it.
I found out a lot of the rules were even written in English. And amazingly most of them I could actually read and make sense of. The odd didn't, but this isn't about that.

A few common rules across any train company.

1) Don’t molest women (That’s probably pretty standard in Japan, in North America we don’t write that one cause its already understood by all, or you go to jail. Not in Japan I guess).
2) Don’t use your cellphone on the train. There are two reasons for this, one most of the signs claim that people who using pacemakers will suddenly keel over dead. If this was the case I think this would be a rule everywhere on the planet. But who knows, I'm no doctor (but I can perform brain surgery if you give me the chance!)
I don’t doubt holding a cellphone directly to your chest at the pacemaker is good, but I would think the people who are using it wouldn't get that close and rub them up (unless they are breaking rule 1 about molesting. I know I did. Kidding!).
The other reason has to do with noise, its an intrusion and burden to everyone else.They can’t escape your phone call and don’t want to hear about your story about feeding your pet chihuahua.
3) Give your seats to the elderly and needy such as pregnant women. For all the people that are kind in Japan, I found this rule to be broken left and right, I noticed the young people who would be wide awake would suddenly close their eyes at a stop when old people got on, then wait till the train started again to open their eyes. Note taken. I'm going to try that next trip.

I was always stressed about sitting around other gaijin (foreigners). I knew very well we were going to be the loudest on the train and everyone around us water to murder us.
One night when my girlfriend, Anthony (infamous from my other stories) and I were coming back on the train we got talked to by a random man. We were our typical selves, laughing saying stupid things and being loud. Anthony was telling some story and this Japanese guy (very nerdy looking) was sweaty heavily and staring directly at us. Finally he said "Shizuka ni shite kuremasu ka?" Can you be quiet for me. Anthony didn't know what he was saying so he continued his story and the guy said it in a higher voice like he was ready to snap. I thought it was funny and giggled, but I told Anthony he wanted us to shut up or he said he would kill us (which he didn't say). We tried to be a little quieter, I looked at the guys face and it looked like he really did want to kill us.
I think he had enough and walked to the next train car, even though I thought we had brought our volume down, apparently not.
I recall one time standing on a train with a bunch of Americans, one guy kept saying the girl standing beside him was super hot and she wanted him. I considered telling him you should be careful of what you say you never know who speaks English or who is even Japanese.
After he went on and on about how he should ask her on a date and for sure she would say yes, she turned directly to us and said “Thanks assh%#les. Enjoy Japan”.
I laughed. He was still convinced she wanted him. I told him he was right, but I lied.
He wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed as they say.

For a while I thought this was a rule. BUST UP!? , wow they are strict. Its actually an advert.
A good one at that.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from my blog
 http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva