Free Meals Have a Catch

Free meals have a catch

Sometimes bigger than others

I think I've come to the right place!

When my girlfriend told me one of her students owned a sushi restaurant and invited us to come for dinner I was excited.

Little did I know what I was in for.

I thought, perhaps she’d give us a few pieces of few sushi or sashimi for free, but once we arrived her husband (the chef), had prepared a feast for us. How could I say no? Maybe I should have. There's always a catch isn't there?

It started off with crab brain, which is not really my style, but thanks (in this case I hoped you are what you eat became true. Smart as a .....crab?). Salmon, tuna, crab, and then…… I noticed my shrimp was twitching. Perhaps it’s a reaction to the soy sauce I thought; it’s rather salty after all. Didn’t I learn that in my molecular biology class (that’s a joke. I’m an idiot and didn’t take that).

But it seemed like my food was still alive. I had never heard of that before, but different strokes for different folks as they say. I wasn’t sure what to do. It seemed like my shrimp was dancing on the plate and about to jump off.

I then saw a fish head that seemed to be talking to me, “Don’t eat me, I’m still alive”. It didn’t say that but I hallucinated it did. Maybe I inhaled too much soy sauce or my dream came true that my brain was transforming into mushy crab brain.

I looked again at the shrimp. I wasn’t sure what to do. The head was on and the tail but the middle part of the shell had been removed. I reached forward. I was a little hesitant to have a live shrimp bouncing around my innards so I grabbed the head and was about to twist it off. “Don’t waste it!”, said the sushi chef angrily. "Ummm…. dude it’s like alive", I thought about saying.

I thought the chef might be crazy mad. I wasn't sure if I could ask him to redo it, so its not alive would be good.

He looked at me like I was some sort of monster, wasting the Holy Grail. In reality I was thinking he was the monster, keeping animals alive whilst eating them. It could been worse and been dog I guess (which I think I might have almost eaten in Korea. Not alive though).

I removed the shell off the tail as it jerked around in my mouth. Yum, tastes like parasites I thought. Perhaps I should have added more salty soy sauce to clean it. The chef seemed to be watching my reaction. 

“Dancing Shrimp”, he told me. Oh……aaah… great?

I was thinking more like “Soon to be thrown up shrimp”. You see raw shrimp tastes like licking a toe, not that I’ve ever done that (or at least consciously that I can remember). I think my brain is turning into crab brain.

After dinner they asked what I thought, “absolutely delicious”, I lied through my teeth.

Would you like to come again sometime they asked?

Absolutely NOT I was thinking. 

“Of course!”, I answered with a sigh.

Perhaps I should have just gone with "I found out I'm allergic to shrimp".

If you are interested here is my live shrimp video. Click below. Its 9 seconds of your life wasted.

Incidentally, (I like that word, makes me feel smart) I uploaded it and it become a viral video on youtube.

If you read through the comments they are rather rude but some are funny. I didn't enjoy the ones where the odd person told me they planned to skin me alive and eat me (aside from the pain, it sounds perverted).

Click on the picture or this link to see my live shrimp video. Waste of 9 seconds of your life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgPE-o4n3dk


Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Yoga on The Sun, Sorta

As we arrived in Japan the weather hit me like a session of hot yoga. The heat at 40 C (I don’t know that in Fahrenheit for our American friends but its about as hot as the sun). Like yoga you are sweating in the heat and your body is in weird positions. In Japan, you fit yourself into packed trains, buses, and shove your bags into any crevices available. And sweat like butter melting in a frying pan.

After the initial arrival at the airport, we all crammed into a bus like sardines in a can (does anyone enjoy my numerous similes? Cause I do). That's a big word look it up.

"Nothing to see here, we can put a few more on. Find a spot folks."

If their intention was to wow and woo us with their incredible hotel & amazing views, they did a stellar job. I was bedazzled (like Brendan Frazier in the movie Bedazzled). The only thing that would have been nicer would be air conditioning between the bus and the hotel so I didn't keep sweating.

Who knew the devil looked this good. Hot! Like yoga ;-)

I knew there were many personalities in the types of gaijin (foreigner) about to embark to the land of the rising sun (that’s supposed to be poetic and it means Japan if you didn't know). I just didn't know what kind of personalities I would run into.

When I came from Canada I had been lucky enough that I had some friends from my University going to Japan on the same program. I guess I hit oil cause I was double lucky. My initials matched one of my friends. The seats were picked according to alphabetical order. So I got to sit with him.

There is a reason I'm telling you this, don’t worry, just keep rolling with it.

Once at the hotel, it happened the rooms were also chosen by country and alphabetical order, so again my friend was in my room. I thought it was going to be awesome until I realized there were 2 beds and a roll-away bed (cot), but only two of us. “Hells no!” I'm not taking the roll-away. It will damage my spine and hip alignment (although in all fairness I had not yet cracked my ribs and spine so I may have been OK. Refer to other blogposts to understand). 
I jumped in one bed and threw all my stuff on it with my shoes on (ha!), I'm a jerk as you know. They didn't have dog poo on them (this time mwahahahaa evil laugh).

One minute later a gigantic dude walked into the room, sweating worse than me. By gigantic I mean, like an Ogre from Lord of the Rings. The body odour was the worst I've ever experienced (rather like an Ogre’s actually). I considered throwing up into my hands then smelling it, in hopes it might smell better. Purify his putrid stench (more poetry terms).

We received a large package of training events. It said something along the lines of mandatory attendance please join eight out of ten events.

I didn't think it should be trouble for me as I had lived in Japan before. As for the other people, they were like a fish out of a pond (I seriously love these similes, I may write a book about them).

My friend in my room informed me he would probably sleep due to jet-lag and lots of drinking on the plane so he was skipping the events (he said ideally for the whole three days).

After one day of easy “you will have the worst culture shock ever course” I went to the free lunch. I love free everything as you know. Its the bane of my existence. I headed to lunch, but none of my friends were around (sleeping or drinking perhaps) and I didn't have anyone to sit with. I was the uncool kid wanting to sit with the cool kids. I saw one table with people full of smiles (Canadians maybe!?). I headed to the table. I couldn't guess where they were from by looking, but as soon as the Southern drawl (accent) from Texas came out, I knew where two of them were from.

Our main course came out which happened to be Japanese curry and rice. If you don’t know what it is, it’s basically Indian curry, but not strong and no spicy flavour to it.

“I don’t wanna be eating this mud. I thought those Japanese eat sushi”, she said. Oh lord, she is in for a surprise I snickered. 
‘I expected the Samurai’s to greet us and all ya’ll”, she said. She said that with a straight face I might add.

I almost spat my curry out, is this girl for real? It was delicious and I didn't want to waste it. Who says that? I was grabbing at the curry sauce splashing out my of cheeks and pushing it back into my mouth.
She sounded a bit riceist to me (that's a lame joke, sorry. Curry and rice so go with it).

On top of that I had never heard anyone used both all and ya’ll in combination. Sounded abnormal. I know I was about to be an English teacher and my English sucks, but look at her.

I shut my mouth and ate my curry while enjoying the show. Everyone introduced themselves and one of the “all ya’ll” Texas girls stated she had never been out of Texas and this was her first visit internationally. Someone piped up even Canada? (A Canadian probably) and she stated no not even there.

I didn't see her again although I heard through the grapevine later (through another Texan) that she made it for two months then went back to Texas. Ouch!

I should have known, if she expects Samurai and only sushi 24/7 she came to the wrong place.

As for my friend, he didn't attend any courses and he asked me to write down his name on some of the attendance sheets so it appeared he was there. Smart guy.

He started to go out drinking at nights and he ended up getting stuck with the roll-away. I pitied his hips and spine alignment.

I thought it was funny, so the last night when he came back from drinking I took what I thought were empty beer bottles and surround him with them while he was sleeping. It was hilarious and I took pictures.

But it turns out a few of them had beer in them though, so he got covered in beer and so did his bed.

He probably thought he peed himself and I didn't tell him the truth.

Ha! I enjoyed thoroughly.

As a bonus his beer pee smell counter attacked the sweaty ogre's smell.

If you see this dude in your room, hold your breath. Or get someone to pee on their bed to mask the flavour and scent.



Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Wasbi as a Meal, Mexican style

Wasbi as a meal, Mexican style

I can't even think of anything funnier than what it says.

What is real Wasabi? Well, I’d say its like a bee stinging your insides. Anyone who has eating a large amount will attest to.
If you've never tried real Wasabi its got a hotness to it like you wouldn't believe. As you may or may not know a lot of the stuff in the West is not real Wasabi. Its green food colouring and some horseradish mixed together. The flavour is different and the “kick” isn't the same. Its almost like the kick in Inception. Fast and unnerving.

Oh INCEPTION KICK, you are a shocker, just like Wasabi attacking my heart.

On a side note, if you are eating all you can eat sushi, I'm willing to bet its 100% fake Wasabi. They have to cut corners somehow. Oh and besides that just, an FYI they probably aren't refrigerating the raw fish properly. But for $10-$15 in Vancouver how can I complain. PS If the chef is smoking or didn't wash his hands its probably not authentic Japanese either. Tell tale signs mother truckers! Bon appetite!

Oh poor little Nemo. Eating at All you can eat, you probably ate him. Or a goldfish or two.

I remember one-time I went with my host family to sushi. My host mother told me its a great restaurant. I was so excited. She had ordered a beer for me. Although I'm allergic I figured I’d just take a few sips as a gesture of goodwill (and hoped for a gesture not of death). As I was eating a piece of sushi (with no visible Wasabi) I couldn't breath. My mouth was on fire and my brain frozen in a strange contrasting state. It was as if I had just found a hot pepper in my slurpee and had brain freeze. Should I throw up? (hopefully not out my nose for once) or cry? She asked me if everything was OK and I shook my head up and down yes, then started to cry. I felt like Wasabi was coming out my tear ducts. I grabbed the beer and swallowed the entire thing. I regretted that later, because when if you are allergic to anything don’t push your luck. The toilet became my throne (TMI?). Or maybe I should say I became its King and made it do my bidding. Insert evil laugh here.



Personally I never like to read the instructions at each sushi restaurant. They are all different. Some had orange plates which meant Wasabi already added, and if you add more you are about to experience a burning sensation of death (or close to it). If the plate was white, it meant no wasabi added, add a little till your heart’s content. Mine was content quite fast.
As such, I would just add a little in my soy sauce and mix it around. That way I thought I would get enough either way. The general consensus is that Wasabi is there to kill parasites that may be remaining. Bad news for those that are eating all you can eat, on top of cheap sushi that is probably not kept to the correct temperature the fake Wasabi isn't killing parasites. I generally equate cheap sushi with guaranteed diarrhea “Or your money back.” Anyways, I had a Mexican-American friend and he loved to go out to sushi with me. He was also somewhat cheap like me as well. Since he knew I enjoyed a cheap sushi place in town he often joined me. (Which I mentioned in previous blogpost called Akindo). He liked his food spicy, as I'm sure most Mexicans do. I saw him fill his plate with Wasabi a few times and munch down like it was a freaking enchilada (I can't remember what an enchilada is but go with it). His eyes didn't water, but he did seem a bit spacey. When I asked him if he was about to order another plate he would often respond “Nah the Wasabi is so good, I love that tingling sensation”. When my bill came to about 1500 yen or $15 his would come to $5. I never asked him how things went south of the border upon extraction but I would imagine tingly as well. If it was anything close to the pain of it burning my tear ducts I wouldn't equate it with being enjoyable by any means.

On the whole Inception theme and a word of caution, DON'T MESS WITH CHUCK NORRIS!

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Hello Mr.Sparkle this way please

 Hello Mr.Sparkle

My childhood dream to become Mr.Sparkle came true, kind of.

We used to go to conveyor belt sushi a lot. You know the one where there is a small conveyor belt and the sushi is on a plate and goes around. You grab the plate and help yourself. Then the waitress adds the number of plates to determine how much the bill is.

If you have the balls. Hide the sushi plates under your table so they can't count them.

 
Anyways I totally loved it, how can’t you. We started going regularly with our group of gaijin (foreign friends). I would imagine I probably went over my dosage of mercury poisoning (tuna) but no long term health effects that I’m aware of (except for my brain, which my wife keeps telling me must be damaged).
This place I fancied was super cheap, only 100 yen (1$) a plate. Due to the incredibly good deal, half of the town seemed to have the same idea about coming. There was a wait list to write your own name.
I always liked the episode of the Simpsons where Homer finds the box with his face on it. Its a cleaning solution that has Japanese written on it. It says “Mr.Sparkle”. If you don't know it, its funny, watch it. 
I thought it was funny so on the wait list at the restaurant I would write it exactly that way “MISUTAA SUPARKORU” aka Mr. Sparkle. Most people would write their family names, and then the waitress would add “san” which is honorific for Mr or Mrs to each name.
In my case I didn't want the “san” I wanted MR / MISUTAA. I was excited and didn't tell the other foreigners I had written our group name as Mr.Sparkle. 
I was waiting for the trigger to be pulled. They would announce it the P.A. system and everyone would hear. I giggled like a little girl in anticipation. I think my friends thought I was high. If only....
To my dismay the waitress came forward and said the seat was ready.
My only hope of recovery from this was if I asked her to confirm the name out loud. She whispered quietly “Sparkle san”. F!!!!!! Complete FAIL.
I was kind of bummed about that so in the future I tried writing variations. Onetime I  wrote Mr. Gaijin (foreigner). They never said it. I tried Mr.TANAKA and one of them must have been watching me write it. They would lead us to the seat directly without an announcement.
I was disappointed at their non attempts to amuse me. I was tempted to hide some of my plates under the table so she couldn't count them. Or better yet, I should have left the empty plate on the belt and just take the sushi! Hahaha.
I didn't do it. I feared I’d be banned and also because I'm a wimp.

They also sell T-shirts of this online now. I guess its not only my childhood dream.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva