Your Breath Stinks!

Your Breath STINKS!
I guess I could have also added, what else is new?

I tend to brush my teeth after eating in the morning.
My theory behind this is simple. Food gets in your teeth, coffee whatever else. Clean it after its dirty.
I do understand that a lot of people wake up, think "Man my breath stinks" and go to brush their teeth.
My wife is lucky I don't lean over for a kiss each morning. Ha!

Common how bad could it be? Someone sit near me please. 
I want friends too!

Well, I did brush my teeth a lot (not rarely if there are any rumours going around) but it never seemed to help me much in Japan.
I ate so much seafood and fermented food my breath was becoming a bit of a nightmare. By nightmare, I mean like on Elm street (its a reference to a movie if you didn't know). If you don't know look it up.

When I a student in Japan, I lived with a host family that liked to offer me for breakfast the following;
Miso soup with seaweed
Natto (fermented soy beans)
Dry crab (or maybe crap if the translation was correct).
Fish (usually salmon) and jako (small dried fish mixed with peanuts) on rice.

Natto! Well it looks kind of like snot. And the best part, it kind of tastes like it too! Snap!

It was a recipe for disaster. Not only on my bowels, but also on my breath.
I read onetime natto is supposed to clean your G.I tract (stomach). I'm thinking if snot doesn't clear you out, why would heavier snot?

One day, while on the train with my Canadian friend, we were sitting close as the train was busy. Always good if beautiful girls, bad if hairy sweaty guys. I will count my friend as the latter of the two.

"Dude what did you eat for breakfast?", he asked.
"I dunno some seafood and stuff", I answered.
"Your breath stinks. It smells like the ocean", he scowled while covering his mouth.
Which was probably a hint that he wanted me to cover my mouth. Or perhaps put a paper bag over my face. Ideally a plastic bag then it blocks more and then I suffocate, die, and the smell stops.

I thought about it for a minute. I guess I did eat things that would make it stink like the ocean.
Its hard to remove the smell from your teeth and also you can't rub the insides of your stomach with bleach (although some weird people do which I saw on TV, but don't do it). They literally drink bleach and take a bath in it too. Not good for your health FYI.

I asked him what he ate for his breakfast everyday, since I detected a neutral flavour on his breath.
"Toast dude! Why don't you try it? I don't think I can sit beside you. Seriously your breath is unbelievable!". He scowled again.

I continued eating the seafood breakfast almost everyday. I did enjoy cereal when I was offered it, although I always found the milk tasted sour. Seems like people sat closer to me when I ate cereal too, so that was a bonus. Especially if girls and not hairy guys.

One other time when we were on an overnight trip to Hiroshima we shared a room. He asked me when I was going to brush my teeth. I wasn't too sure why he had a keen interest in my teeth brushing activities.
Finally I told him "soon". I left the door partially open and he pushed it and grabbed his toothbrush.
So much for privacy I thought.
"I have a suggestion for you, brush you tongue it might help your breath". I tried, after he mentioned but it was still terrible. He felt the need to go further by stating possibly its not the seafood breakfast I blamed it on and its just my breath.
Haha!

I always wondered why he didn't want to share a room with me after that. He conveniently didn't take the train with me much anymore either.

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Other funny stories from my blog
 http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/


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Wake up time to fight!

Are you passed out?
Wake up its time to fight.

Ask this guy, not me. I'm passive.

So I've always been a very passive person, I've never been in any fights except when I was a kid the odd bully here and there, but no street fights or anything.

I was invited by a "group" to go on a road trip to Osaka. I thought its a great time to bond with them so why not, they aren't the rowdy type and what good times will await. With my luck, usually not good ones.
We rented a bus and the bus was full of males and females, all Japanese except me. It was semi like a party bus we have in North America and you can drink on it.
I don't want to mention any names or get anyone in trouble so I'll say "this group".
Whilst (that's British for while) on the bus I sat in the back enjoying my girly drink, yes because I am the opposite of tough and have an allergy to beer I drank fizzy pop like drinks. Get over it.
A few of the rather burly tough men came to talk to me. Surprise (in) Osaka, do you like gay?
I wasn't sure where they were going with it, cause they said it in English. I also wasn't sure if they are asking me my sexual orientation. So I answered, No I'm not gay, but I don't mind what sexual orientation you are if you are something else.
I think that was too deep an answer for them. I repeated I'm not, but OK if you are.

They laughed.

We got to Osaka. The women went their way and the men another.
I should have joined the women. After all I don't even drink beer.

I was led to a seedier part of Osaka. By seedy I mean, clubs, bars, other stuff.

The "other stuff" is where we were going.

We sat down at a table with a bunch of us (like 9 maybe?).
There seemed to be a hostess at each table and its was a large room with a stage.

The women seemed rather thin, with a lot of make-up. By a lot, I mean tons. If a girl wears too much make-up they have something to hide. Trust me that's a life lesson to be learned.
If a girl looks good naturally, then add a little make-up and that will accentuate that. If she cakes it on like there is something is amiss.

The hostess gave me a hug and was surprised I spoke Japanese. She sat beside me, and I kept thinking wow, that's a lot of make-up. What's she hiding?

There was a younger looking girl (20's) sitting at a table beside us who kept glancing over at our table. I wasn't sure why but she wasn't giving me the eye, she was giving it to the head person of our group. By head person I mean the most senior, aka the big chief. He seemed to take notice.
After a while, the show started. And all the hostesses went on stage. What I saw I should not repeat, but let's just saw I was in shock and not in a good way.
We had come to a transvestite bar. I heard one of the people from my group yell "Ya you like, its NEW HALF". I wasn't sure for about one minute new half meant, but when they removed their clothes I understood, some things were there on some people. And not on others.
Oh boy! In this case I'm not sure "Oh boy" is the expression I should use.
More like Oh a little bit boy a little bit girl.

The show continued, and I seemed to be only one of three people not enjoying the show. The other was the young girl and our chief. She sat at our table and seemed to be playing footsie then holding his hand.
Uh oh I thought. Not good. Some sh%t is gonna hit the fan.

The show ended and we took pictures. Seems dumb I would do that, now I'm probably on the bar's wall for the rest of my life and they say "we had a foreigner here and he loved it, here's his name and number."

They didn't look like this, or maybe I would have known. Or maybe not.

People started filling out of the bar.
I had started to drink my vodka quite heavily due to the fact I was not enjoying myself. In addition, I was getting slightly apprehensive (aka sh*tting my pants) about this situation going on that no one took notice.

Everyone left I thought when I turned around and noticed that the chief was talking to the girl, but apparently the girl had a boyfriend and he did not look happy.
I entertained the thought of not doing anything and leaving, but at this point it seemed a fight was about to break out.
I ran to get the largest and strongest of our group who happened to be a 3rd degree black belt in Judo and weighed 240 pounds. A monster basically. He's like the Hulk except not green. I wish I could get him to say "HULK SMASH!" in Japanese. Smash might be smashuuuu! Not quite the same ring to it.

It didn't occur to me that he was drunk, so he moved his gigantic frame back into the bar pushing people and making a scene. He stepped in-between the chief and the not so happy boyfriend.
At this point I didn't want to be involved. I tiptoed out and mentioned to another judo guy that the big dude went in and I was going to pass out.
I leaned against a building and had a little rest, and by rest I mean pass out.
I suddenly came to, with someone shaking me, "Are you passed out? You are probably going to have to fight".
Dude, I don't even know where I am.

I looked up to see the escapades (problems) from inside the bar, had now come outside and the boyfriend was flipping out (angry). He yelled some not so nice stuff, and then the big judo guy stepped forward, then there was a row of guys on his side, and a row of guys on our side. It was nuts.
I looked for the nearest bathroom.
I'll be back I said.
"YOU can't!! You need to fight".
I looked at him.
"Dude, I've been drinking and I need to pee, I'm not fighting. The fact that I need to pee makes it worse, cause I'd just pee myself".
He didn't believe me. I hoped he wasn't about to test me.
At that point around $600 cash (yen) was given to the boyfriend.
Wow, money can ends fights. That's nice. I'd like to see that happen here.

We met the ladies and they asked how the night went. Silence. I told them I almost got the crap kicked out of me by my own group, without going into details. They didn't get into it.
I hoped that the $600 given to the angry boyfriend wouldn't be added to the group bill of the bus, beer, "special bar" etc.

End result. 
It was.

F!

haha.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Give me an F, Mother Trucker!

Incase you didn't figure it out my student didn't say Mother Trucker.
It was another word which is similar to that.
You fill in the blank. Mother F#&**&#!

As I've stated in previous posts, the good students I loved, the bad students I didn't love (x 1000).
There were more than a few bad students to make my life interesting.

One day the English Teacher asked me to mark tests. "Sure", I said.
I'm bored looking at porn anyways at work (that's a joke. MAYBE).

I found one test with no English on it, including the part at the top that says write your name using the English alphabet (Romaji in Japanese). In the case if you are no historian or alphabetologist (that might not be a word FYI), I will inform you hence that the English alphabet is actually from Latin.
In Japan they use "Romaji" as the romanization of Latin characters to write Japanese.

Everyone loves Daasu Beidaa "Darth Vader" I see.

This particular student failed at that part, and everything else too apparently.

I noticed a black marker had been written repeatedly over the same characters in Japanese.

JUST GIVE ME A ZERO MOTHER TRUCKER. GET IT OVER WITH!! AND DIE!!!!!

I thought that was cute.
At first I couldn't read it, but I had to decipher a few of the nastier words with my Ouija board.

I asked the spirits how to translate some very adult swears by an angry boy.

After looking at it, I laughed again and made a photocopy.

I still have it in my closet somewhere.

I wrote at the bottom in response.

I gave you a 1 although you failed to even write your name correctly using an alphabet you have studied for 13 years of your life. But you made me laugh. Therefore instead of ZERO as you requested I give you 1.

In addition, I request you die first, MOTHER TRUCKER!!

I hoped the teacher didn't recheck the papers to verify that I had marked them with bonus comments.

I recorded the scores for each student as to avoid that happening.

A few days later I heard a male student say "You die first!".

There were too many students and I forget what class the student was that wrote the test, so I couldn't put two and two together to know if it was the same student.

It may have just been a common theme among students directed at me.

I smiled at him and said in Japanese, "No you die first".

He laughed then I laughed.

The head teacher then scolded both of us.

I didn't stick my tongue out but I hoped the teacher would die first. I had my fingers crossed during scolding.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

The sound of death, its not that nice!

The sound of death, its not that nice

What’s that sound? Its like popcorn popping. Oh wait, that’s the sound inside my spine. No one else can hear it? That can’t be good.

Pop pop went my neck. Wonderful!

Oh the joy of pain.

Incase you haven’t read previous blogposts of mine, I don’t enjoy pain, and yet pain seems to follow me like an angel sitting on my shoulder. Only the opposite. A devil poking me with his 3 pronged poker. And razor blades attached to the ends.

The devil poking me in the neck, or actually spine.

So here is the story of the time I broke my neck, sorta.

I had been attending Judo quite regularly. 

If you aren't sure what that is short version is, its throws, sweeps, chokes, holds, strangulation and armlocks. There are no kicks or punches despite Austin Powers and his "JUDO CHOP!".

I mentioned I was going regularly. While I’d like to say I was getting good, that’s not quite true. I was getting good at armlocks and chokes. Possible due to some influence from my Brazilian friends who did Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ). My throws were terrible. They probably wondered why I was learning about as fast as a rock.

Well there was one teacher and he really didn't like gaijin (foreigners). I could tell this by the way he looked at me. I always felt like if he saw me in the alley he’d hit me on the head with a crowbar if he could. I always tried to rush out either before or after him, in hopes he didn't bring a crowbar behind me. I'd usually bike away at low speeds on my granny bike (up to 1km/ hour).

In his Japanese way, he liked to pretend to be nice to me (with a smile no less), but I felt deep down it was all "for show".

One night I caught him in a choke. He submitted. I've never seen him submit before. He got mad and the look on his face suddenly changed. No more Mr. Niceguy (or fake nice guy). He started getting really aggressive with me. Sadly for me, I'm kind of wimpy (as in bones and no muscles), so it doesn't take much to crunch me like a peanut. And a peanut I became.

There are legal / illegal and inbetween moves in Judo. I think the move he did on me was more illegal with borderline half legal written all over it.

I tried to armlock him while I was on my back, he pushed my legs towards my neck and grabbed my hands underneath my back. I couldn't breath since I was crunched,  I couldn't make a sound as my lungs were deflated like a whoopie cushion. I couldn't tap with my hands, couldn't tap with my feet, and realized my neck was starting to spin like I was an owl. I felt like those ghosts in movies who can turn their heads all the way around, only mine wasn't supposed to due to me still being alive.
But that was OK cause I was about to die and then it would be normal.

He applied more pressure to my legs which were now against my shoulders pinning me. My neck was twisting and slowly bending the wrong way.
Since I wasn't breathing the good news was I was seeing colours. My neck was being bent and I couldn't use any neck muscle to prevent it from snapping. I felt the muscles tear (a wonderful feeling I might add, NOT!!).
I realized I was about to die and quite a painful way to go. If only I had a few more seconds before everything went black and also before my head popped off (almost like a Jack in the deathbox).
I heard some crunching like someone stepped on twigs. Maybe I was being sacrificed to the Judo Gods.
Then, I realized it was my neck.
The Judo teacher stopped and asked if I was OK. I realized I was still able to move but it felt like I was in a trance. No not good I said.
I rolled off the mats, at least I could still move.
The bad news was my trance was ending and the pain rushed in. If I was in Canada I would have called 911 but I was in Japan so I forgot the emergency number.
I biked home with my head and neck ringing and crunching.
Every time I moved I felt like someone was holding my head down and something was snapping within my spine.

For the only time in my life I wished I were an owl. I might live with my neck like that.

I did something stupid the next day.
I rode my scooter to school. If I was smart I would have taken my bicycle but I was late and in pain.
I got on my scooter and put my super heavy motorcycle helmet on. I felt like my spine was being compressed like the pressure of the bottom of the ocean in 10,000 leagues under the sea (never saw it, but I did see League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which was not as bad as the reviews said).

The helmet was heavy on my neck already without it being broken. 

I got to work and realized I was having problems keeping my head off my desk.
I went to the Doctor and told them my neck hurt and explained the injury.
They told me I had broken my neck. They strapped me down to a bed.
I said "Listen I rode here on a scooter and I wore a motorcycle helmet, my neck can't be broken".
The Doctor checked my neck and said he can't detect broken bones but I need an MRI to check for smaller cracks or cartilage damage.
In the meantime he said he explained in the worst case scenario its a small bone. 
If its cartilage, in theory it should heal.
It didn't.
MRI showed some tissue damage C4-C5 but no broken bones.

My neck hurts still 6 years later, I feel like I have the neck of a 90 year old with severe arthritis.
I even asked Santa once for a new neck, but sadly I didn't get one.


On the plus side I don't take painkillers anymore.
On the negative side I don't feel "high" from the painkillers anymore.

On the plus side I didn't die.
On the negative side, I wanted to die from the pain many times.


HA!


Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Aikido Pain is But Englightenment

Ouch!
Dude it hurts, seriously.

I never thought much about Aikido when I was a kid. I remember my Japanese teacher (who was white and not Japanese) used to tell us Aikido was a bit fake, when people pretended they threw ki balls (energy balls like hadoken from Street Fighter) and the other person pretends to fall over.
The only person who does a version that actually seems violent and isn't fake is Steven Seagal. Although he's a bit washed up these days.

My friend Brandon wanted me to go to Aikido but I wasn't very keen on it. It happened to be at the same gym where I was doing Judo, so I thought the location is good at least even though the martial art isn't.

I snickered while people did these complicated moves thinking how I could throw them mock 5 (the speed of light) on their face. As I snickered, an old Japanese man was standing in the corner not doing much. I wasn't sure who he was, since there was another Sensei (teacher) teaching the class.
I think he saw me snickering. He called me over and told me to grab his wrists. After a delay of about 3 seconds I was screaming. I felt like my wrist bone was cracking. And by cracking I mean like the wishbone of a chicken.
If a 70 year old can take you down, it must be somewhat legit.

That shiz seriously hurts. Unless you have a serious knack of pain don't snicker in class.

I wasn't into the enlightenment part or into wooden weapons but that's cause my body is already like weapon, sharp and deadly. I'm like the Beverly Hills Ninja.

Take Chris Farley and divide by 3, I'm 1/3 of his size, but even a better ninja!

We did self reflection stuff, and meditation etc, which I had no interest in. All I wanted to do was kickass. Or to be precise get my ass kicked, and my ass I mean wrists cracked like wishbones.

A lot of the moves were kind of complicated and I kept being told my movements seemed very Judo-ish. I was like ya cause I did 10 years of Judo.

Finally there was a bald headed dude. I thought he was a monk. A monk of pain. Instead of nirvana he wanted to create his own nirvana, void of foreigners. I thought he wanted to kill me.
His wrists were the size of two legs. When he told me to grab his wrists my hand wouldn't go half way around.
Ha! Even now I'm laughing about it.
He looked like a monk with this grin, always laughing, knowing he could snap me in two.

That monk of pain was legit. He liked to hurt people or at least foreigners. He was nice to girls though.

Although I thought Judo was better overall I learned a few useful pain techniques. Which I often practice on my wife and child (kidding!!).
My wrists still crack occasionally to this day due to my Aikido training.
I think they gave me early arthritis.

Or maybe I should say wishboneristis. Ha! Lame.



Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Fugu The Meal of Death

Fugu FISH and Meal OF DEATH

If you live through the meal, you are lucky. Always worth putting your life at risk!

If you've ever seen that Simpsons episode where Homer eats Fugu or Blowfish in Japan, its pretty funny and unfortunately true. You can die from eating it.

To increase my chances of dying I managed to eat it twice.

You see the neurotoxin attacks your brain. Luckily for me, I am immune as I have no brain.

Mama always told me I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. For once I'm lucky.

Usually people die at home, as it needs to be cut precisely correct, or the toxin will mess with your everything.

Some brave people decide to try to cut it themselves, roll the dice and end up with snake eyes (I've always wanted to say that but I'm not sure what it means). Actually lets just go with “They play Russian roulette and lose.”

It's OK there is at least one spot you can cut and not die!

At a restaurant you will pay a pretty penny to stay alive by eating Fugu prepared by a certified chef. I'm not sure it’s worth it myself. Any chump on the street should be able to cut it, I mean come on how hard can it be?

Anyways…

My host family brought me out twice and paid (bonus).

I was eating the salad which seemed to have some sort of soft veggie on it when my host brother asked me “Does your mouth feel numb?”. What does that mean?

He explained that the salad contained the skin of the Fugu. WTF? I read online the skin is also super toxic. “Ya just enough poison to cause a little fun”. And by fun did he mean melt my brain? Nullify my lungs from moving? Great.

I though I was going to die. I considered writing my will as I took each bite.

We had Fugu soup, Fugu chunks, Fugu everything.

Finally dessert came, it looked good, something that had been roasted in the oven. My host brother ordered me one, and started giggling like a schoolgirl. Why so funny I thought? The dessert tasted a bit salty. Perhaps Fugu for dessert too, hopefully not liver dessert.

“How’s your dessert?”, he asked with a grin.

“Strangely salty”, I answered.

“Fish sperm”, he answered.

“Seriously?”, I queried

“Yup”, he answered.
“F%$ you”, I responded.

And then I spat up the rest of the single serve of $30 dessert onto my plate.

PS You might want to learn the word "Shirako" which means fish sperm. When your friends ask if you want to try. Answer "Hell's No!"

I humbly inform you, you have 5 minutes to live. By the way, you might as well enjoy some fish sperm, it's delicious.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

The Monkey Army

Crap, A Monkey Army

This army wants their persimmons, watch out!

You know I would have never associate Japan with monkeys. In my mind, monkeys are from Africa and roam the jungles with Tarzan. But, believe it or not, there are a lot of monkeys in Japan (I was going to go for a joke here, but might be a bit risky).

I went to a couple tourist attractions that had signs warning of the impending dangers of the surrounding monkeys. If you were unlucky they might throw rocks at you or steal your food. Or if they were in a really bad mood, throw excrement (big word for pooh) at you. Luckily for me, I didn't have those issues.

They don't hope to be such a monkey. Dreaming of good food? Eat leaves instead.

If you’ve read my previous blogposts you know I worked from 8-4pm everyday. One morning I got a call from one of the English teachers at 6AM. First thought, why are they calling me so early? “Hello... ...so sleepy... yes?”. “Good morning!!! Do you want to do monkey patrol with me?”. “What is it and No is my pre answer”. “There was a reported sighting of a monkey eating vegetables in a patch near the school, the local parents need us to protect the children from them”. I thought it was a joke. 
“Ok good luck I’m going back to bed, enjoy your monkeys”. Tell Curious George not to be so curious. Curiosity killed the cat after all, does the monkey think he escape the same fate?

At the morning meeting the principal quoted that a monkey had come down from the mountains and was eating vegetables and may interfere with the children. I was guessing the monkey might ask them to skip school and eat raw vegetables with them or something. So mischievous!

One of the vice principals invited me over to his house a few weeks later, which happened to be in the mountains where that monkey supposedly came from.

His mother who was about 90 years old was standing outside. He mentioned they had a kaki tree, which I knew to mean a persimmon tree.

As I sat outside, the ninety year old mother came over to me, grasping a tiny sapling tree trying to stay still. I hoped the tree wasn't about to give way with her swaying. I put my arms out to catch her just incase it did. “Hello” she said in Japanese. “Did you want some kaki? We should eat them quick before the monkey army comes again, those little bastards come in droves.” I started laughing. 
I wondered if she could see I was in a foreigner, her accent was a local one, tainted by local dialect.

“Do you get a lot of monkeys through here?”,  I inquired. “They are an army! They come by and eat every kaki on that tree, its bare by the time we get to it. How will we put an end to the army? Each year it gets bigger. Maybe they are training others”, she said.

“Hmmm... sounds like a real issue perhaps we should inform the police”, I half halfheartedly joked.

She had a serious look on her face, but wasn't focusing on me, so I still doubt she knew I wasn't Japanese, “Tried that. Informed the police that they had got all my fruit on my tree and they didn't fight them about it”.

After a few minutes of her swaying and mumbling about the good days, I told her I knew an English teacher who happened to do monkey patrols each morning. I informed her I would request he add her kaki tree and the surrounding mountains to his patrol.

She seemed to be looking at me and asked my name.

I told her "Nakamura" to do with the whole “ I'm Japanese theme”.

I briefly considered answering “The grandfather monkey”, but I didn't want to give her a heart attack.

I wanted to tell her I was the head monkey planning on the persimmon tree attack.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva