I Can See You Naked!

Little more spring in my hot spring

Too hot for me, cool it down

Too hot to traught

I got more than I asked for

I think I’m blind, naked men and onsens

Medussa just turned me to stone

Standing out like a sore thumb

The full monty hotspring style

Good luck with the wolves

I can see you naked!!

These are words you never want to hear unless you a stripper. Let me assure you I am no stripper folks, unless sexy is considered a hairy monkey (I think that was only in the 70’s). I don’t find it hot myself, but hey, different strokes for different folks as they say.

In Japan most people are not ashamed of their naked bodies. Especially for onsens aka hotsprings which are divided by sex (Yes please! ha) so most people are fine flaunting their wares. Myself? I'm a bit self conscious about my naked torso being examined by eyes and the occasional area by a microscope.

That being said, perhaps if I could blend in a little better (and be Asian), and not stand out so much I wouldn't be as self conscious regarding the stares at my privates.

I had a few Chinese-Canadian friends and they didn't look different. Smooth sailing for them. They blended in like ninja’s in the dark. For me, a big white hairy ape, that wasn't going to work. I was like the moon blocking the sun, only the full eclipse.

Even I admit I'm not hot, look at my coat of hair.

When I was given my 4 inch towel at the front desk I asked what its for. Oh to cover your privates they told me. Ummmm? It’s a 4 inch square what am I supposed to do with that? I know some things are bigger in the West but this is ridiculous. It’s like covering the Eiffel tower with a stop sign. It’s not going to work.

I did my usual fake smile and thanked the lady. As we entered into the main area, I was informed we needed to rub ourselves with soap and wash it all off. As I happily sloshed soap all over myself and the two random people beside me (mostly soap in their eyes) I forgot of all my worries. I didn't care that the people beside me were getting blinded by soap. No, I was like a child in a bubble bath with his rubber ducky.

Rub a dub dub Mofo’s.

When I stood up I looked down to see soap bubbles and a pile of my hair (it looked like enough that I could knit a wig together). Gross!

Rub a dub dub mofo's!

As I started to walk everyone in the entire place turned to look at me. I would have hoped in the eyes, but nope, straight to the privates. I wonder how a stripper feels? I held my 4 inch towel as close as I could trying to cover the Eiffel tower. No magnifying glass needed for this area ladies. More like a demagnifier (if those exist).

I jumped into the water, apparently a no no in hotsprings and sprayed people in the eyes with my displaced water (at least its not soap I guess). I noticed a large rock wall behind us, approx double my height. I jumped again into the water off of it and I think I yelled out "Oh ya!". Then, “I can see you” a voice I recognized SAID. It was a girl’s voice! I looked around ashamed as I thought someone was watching me do cannonballs into this order laden society with my skin flapping in the wind. Oh sh$t!

I darted my eyes around trying to figure out who was watching me, other than the fifty or so men in various pools of hotspring water staring at my junk. And possibly the junk in my trunk (that means other area of privates for you non Black Eyed Peas fans).

I hoped she couldn't see through the wall and that no male had someone managed to drill a hole through the cement to see them.
The voice was my host-sister. I was super embarrassed to imagine that she was watching me.

After doing a Batman style investigation of my surroundings and verified she wasn't watching me I realized she meant to say “I can hear you”, but made a mistake with the English.

Her mistake could have been worse. Or maybe this isn't a mistake.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

The Tale of the Snow Monkeys

Snow monkeys. Have you ever seen a monkey before? They look kind of human like share the majority of our DNA, but at the same time they are filthy. Covered with hair, poop into their hands and eat it. There is definitely a bit of a missing link between us as species, well at least most of us. Regardless of their imperfection, you can almost see the human in them. Apart from leathery skin, hair and poop, their eyes and gestures sometimes seem like us.

So cute or so I thought at first.

Now Imagine a baby monkey and how cute it is. Change that brown hair to mostly white and that the monkey’s don’t live in a forest canopy and play in a hot spring. Their lives revolve around frolicking in the snow. I wish I could do that.



 
If you can imagine that then you’ve thought of something truly magical in Japan (No, not the magic kingdom in Tokyo, which is cool. Instead of spinning teacups they have spinning sushi, just kidding).
As I mentioned before snow monkeys are very cute, but at the same time you have to take precautions. They are stronger than us and have an attitude when challenged. We were told don’t look directly into the monkey’s eyes as that means you are challenging them. The bigger ones have arms the size of crowbars and can tear a human male in half if they wanted to (in theory anyways). They seemed docile enough as we approached. I looked into the babies eyes. At first I saw his hands that looked so human like except their nails looked painted black and the palms of the hand more leathery.

One angry snow monkey.

One monkey seemed not impressed I was looking at the baby and charged me. I turned my eyes the other way. I saw all the monkeys playing in the hot spring. I thought how cute it was and it seemed like they were having a bath in a jacuzzi together. Then I thought wow this is amazing maybe I can jump in with them and swim around. That cute thought abruptly ended when I saw a mother monkey take a number 2 (aka feces) into the hot spring on her baby. The baby picked it up and ate some, sick! How much DNA do they share with us again?
I saw them running around like dogs a bit and throwing feces at each other, that’s cute I thought, just don’t get any on me.

 

Then I saw two monkeys rolling up a big ball of snow. What the heck are they doing? Then for a brief moment I thought I had a telepathic moment with one of the monkeys, its human eyes staring at me. They were building a snowman? Maybe they could use fecal matter instead of a carrot for a nose. Perhaps I could teach them, the teacher always comes right out of me at the most appropriate times.I guess my telepathic power of persuasion didn’t work because the biggest monkey picked up the ball and threw it on the head of a smaller monkey who now ran away and cried with its hyena cackle. I picked up a snowball myself just in case this monkey wanted to engage in Mortal Kombat. 

The monkey made the right choice and left the second large ball of snow on the ground. Had he chosen to fight me, I would have face washed him. He would have been getting snow out of his nose and mouth for days! Cute, but definitely not the most perfect of god’s creations. Made in our image but not close enough it seems. I still suggest you see them at least once. Heed my advice, don’t stare in their eyes they will either suck you in with their cute looks or cause you to run away screaming like a little girl hoping they won’t kill you. I did a bit of both to be honest.

Don't jump in. Its not clean even though it looks kind of magical.

To see more about snow monkeys see Wikipedia article at 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_macaque

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva