Roppongi, Six Trees of Separation

Roppongi, Six Trees of Separation

Ah the night life, traffic lights and liquor. All a good mix.

My friend from University in Canada was living in Japan. His family worked for the Canadian Embassy in Tokyo so he invited me to stay with them. Sounded great I thought. I had forgot however, my friend was an alcoholic. Since I can’t drink worth a damn it didn't occur to me till I arrived this may be a mistake. “Dude, we are going to Roppongi tonight, let’s get smashed”, he told me. If you have never heard of Roppongi the Chinese/ Japanese characters means 6 trees. How bad could six trees be? Well, since I didn't know what Roppongi was notorious for, the answer is a lot. Its famous in Japan as a seedy place for foreigners looking to club hop, bar it up, go to cabarets, or massage girls (not neck massage) etc. As you know since its seedy there is a large yakuza (mafia) presence as well.
My friend convinced me that we would bike there and it would be awesome. By bike I mean bicycle not dirt bikes or some cool gas powered bikes as you are guessing. We started biking and I realized two thing. One I'm out of shape and two I was drunk as a skunk. There were tons of taxi’s all over the street. The traffic was terrible so we weaved, highly illegal I might add, through the taxis. I wondered if we would live the night. My friend fell against one taxi but got back on his bike and kept riding as if nothing happened. When we finally arrived, he informed me he wanted to start off at "The HUB", a foreigner bar. I said OK and followed him. We locked our granny bikes up and were just about to go inside. My friend seemed more tipsy than me and was like “Dude let’s go! Happy hour is almost over”. I wasn't too keen on drinking more. He started to run full sprint, the only problem was he didn't see the metal down door that had fallen down part way and smacked his head into it. It sounded like someone hit a gong and I started laughing. He was on his back not moving. I laughed for a few seconds until I realized he wasn't conscious. He seemed to be breathing, or at least I hoped. “Dude you OK?”, I asked. I couldn't remember the number of ambulance in Japan anyway, 112 or something, 911 doesn't work. He sat up and I noticed a gigantic goose egg on his head. I told him he had a little mark on his head. He didn't seem to care. He had just lost consciousness and probably had a concussion. Brains, what are they good for anyway. We headed into the bar and he ordered three “happy hour” drinks. I have no idea why he was having such a bad night, but his glass shattered in pieces while holding it. Literally he just had it in his hand and it shattered everywhere. I think they had the glasses in the freezer and the heat in the room made the glass unstable or something. Bah I have no idea, I'm not rocket scientist (although I do enjoy cosmology and occasionally alchemy as a side gig).
After that we left, he had drunk more than he should have. We ran into some nice Taiwanese girls. I asked them what they do and they said massage. I would love a neck massage, I was a bit stiff. I thought we were just chatting, but I soon realized they were trying to get us to come inside for a special massage. We were targets not friends. As we continued walking passed them this gigantic guy about 250 pounds came up and put his arm around my shoulders. I was making friends left and right tonight I thought. I wondered if he was from the U.S. I couldn't understand what he was saying, but I soon realized this was a ploy to put his arms around us to trick us into a bar he worked at. He was big so I didn't want to say no. Once we got in, I noticed we were the only white people. I didn't really care, except that no one was speaking English or Japanese, so I was super confused what was happening. Seems like everyone was an employee and they weren't from the U.S. I saw a flag that said Nigeria at the entrance. My friend didn't care and started dancing with the girls. The music wasn't Western, not that it matters. You can bump to anything you want. I started wondering what we had got ourselves into. Then all the sudden my friend started acting a bit crazy, semi yelling and not making sense. I wondered if this was an act or he was overly drunk. Perhaps both. I read later the Nigerian bars are famous for spiking the drinks and using high pressure tactics to entice you into bars with 250 pound dudes. If you don’t believe me read Wikipedia. Luckily I didn't drink there, just entered and stood out like a sore thumb. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roppongi

One of these doesn't belong here. I felt like the odd man out.

We headed to the next bar at around 3AM. It was super stuffy and I was thirsty. My friend continued drinking and headed to the bathroom. When he came out, he was like “Dude I threw up in the urinal. I'm good to drink more”. I was like oh no. A bartender came up to us, “Someone threw up in the urinal, know anything about it?”. My friend who was a great liar answered “Ya, he had black hair and blue eyes he just headed downstairs”. The bartender went downstairs. This was the exact opposite of what we looked like. He’s smart even when he’s an idiot. I told him we should leave, since he’s an idiot. He agreed to both and we went outside. We couldn't find our bikes, so we started to walk home. Either the spot we left them was wrong or the Nigerians club guys got them. 
As we walked I saw a guy with a Nike hat that looked like Tiger Woods. He had a bodyguard looking guy with him.The next day I watched the news and it showed Tiger Woods highlights of him playing golf in the Tokyo region over the last few days. I wondered if I had seen him. 
If it was him I should have told him to avoid the Nigerian bars.

What was Tiger up to in Roppongi? Hmmmm....

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Rockin a Granny Bike Ain't Cool

Rockin a Granny Bike Ain't Cool

I wish I could have done that. Instead I kept my head down in embarrassment.

Rocking a granny bike under any conditions is not cool. I can assure you because I did it for three years. I don’t recall ever seeing anyone not under the age of 40 using one back in Canada. That being said about it not being cool, well the basket part on the front part is very useful. I carried just about everything in it. Groceries, jerry cans of petrol, laptops (even desktops), children (well maybe not that). I think in China they carry children and dogs in it, usually together.
In Asia and in my case, Japan. Everyone with an arm and a leg rocks a granny bike. Yes its very uncool, but they don’t look at it that way. They see is as a convenience machine. Little work and big payoff. For small roads its very trustworthy (unless there are large ditches and you drink).

Rocking a granny bike under any conditions is not cool. I can assure you because I did it for three years. I felt like the Wicked Witch of the West. Only not as cool.

My school assigned me a super rusty granny bike to get around. I thanked them, but thought, I hope I can get rid of this ASAP and get something better. My wish came true when one of my Australian friends left after a year. I rocked that new Wicked Witch of the West bike for one full year (my pretties). His bike was a little more manly than the one I had and newer. The tires were bigger and the basket didn't bend and break when I put stuff in it. Plus it wasn't rusty, which was sweet. Half decent, kind of.
All bikes in Japan come with a built in lock system. Its a tiny little key that pops out and prevents the bike from moving, if you leave it in, or lose the key. You are toast though. I occasionally forget it in.
I had also bought a trusty lock from the dollar store. I figured it’d be like be murder she wrote, only I wrote it and no murder involved (this time). I had double locks so on top of having a somewhat cooler but still granny bike, I figured no one would try and steal it. I thought wrong.
There is a saying about Japan. That Japanese are very honest except for when it comes to two items “bicycles and umbrellas”. They go missing like you wouldn't believe. More than once I contemplated informing the local police station “MY DOLLAR STORE UMBRELLA IS MISSING AGAIN I NEED IMMEDIATE ACTION”. I also considered calling the SDF (Self Defense Force) in the name of my missing umbrella. My other friend just grabbed someone else's nicer umbrella in retaliation.
One night I locked my bike near a Heiwado Department Store. The sign said “Don’t lock your bike here”. I ignored the sign and parked my bike (a bit of a rebel you could say). I figured with the double lock what’s the worse that could happen.
I didn't come back till the next day. To my astonishment all the other bikes that were around mine were still there except for mine. It occurred to me, I should have brought the rusty bike the school had lent me so they wouldn't have zeroed in on a somewhat cooler non rusty granny bike. I just lost my Mustang. I could no longer go from zero to hero, I was now going from 0mph - 2mph in under one minute with a rusty "Creek, creek, creek" sound.
I rocked the rusty blue piece of crap for the remaining two years.

Don't worry if you fall your helmet will protect you. Oh wait, no helmet. Uhhhh...

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Students Disassemble Prank

Students Play a Trick

Hahah funny! I like saran wrap on toilet too, its always good times.

For once this trick wasn't played on me! Woohoo, I'm lucky for once.

This story is from my memory (which is not too good) about Mr.C from Texas. As you may recall from previous stories Mr. C is an average Joe.
Mr.C was at a school not far from mine. From what I understand I had the school with the worst kids, but he had a few really bad ones as well. Not like the 90% that my school had, a but really idiotic ones.
He taught with this Australian girl who was very persuasive (by that, I mean thinks they are always right and usually was) and would take no prisoners (just like me girlfriend hahah, hope she isn't reading this). I'm going to be in the doghouse tonight.

Mr.C didn't like to plan lessons, well to be honest who does, except for this Australian girl. I remember a few times she showed me the activities and games she had created and I wondered how many nights she had spent burning the midnight oil. Don't burn it too much the houses in Japan are made of paper MWAHAHA!
This is just a metaphor to get you to catch my drift, but if I made a gingerbread, she would make a gingerbread house. She would cover the gingerbread house with icing and top off parts of it with 24K gold.

So essentially she was a great English teacher and Mr.C and I look like bums compared to her. We were nothings and didn't enjoy working hard work for our students.
I enjoyed finding a game online 5 minutes before class making 30 copies and running like a madman to get to class. For the remaining time between my classes I enjoyed playing online games or playing poker (not strip though, it is a workplace after all).

Mr.C was similar to me in this way as well, except he liked to saunter to class instead of rushing. He took it easy until he had to do something.
Well a few of the students took a liking to Mr.C and called him Harry Potter, which I can vouch for he does look a lot like. No scar in the forehead but we can fix that easily.
A bit of a sidetrack but a few students called him Spiderman, which I don't get. How does glasses and curly blonde hair equal Spiderman? That's like saying the HULK is pink.

At the same time a few students did not take a liking to him and I assume the Australian girl as well.
One day they came out after school looking for their bikes. Yes, everyone rides granny bikes in Japan.

In the location they had left their bikes were two piles of bicycle parts laid out neatly.
Mr.C laughed. The Australian girl was not impressed whatsoever and demanded the bicycle be remade to the teachers.

I'd probably laugh if my bike became this.

You gotta hand it to them, those kids work fast.
It seems like it was the hood and they were trying to get hubcaps (rims) off the cars!

I never had that happen, although more than once my tire frames were bent, which is also pretty funny, although is sucks when you try to ride and you bike keeps turning to the right.


Stuck in an endless circle. Sounds like my everyday life, what else is new!

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

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http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


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Student Attack Uses Ultimate Weapon on ME!

If you don't know I was placed at a school in the hood.

I have a few stories about getting jumped by students. Here is one of them.

One day while watching soccer, I got attacked by one of my first year students.

Now, I don’t want you to think that by getting attacked, I mean verbally attacked. That was everyday of my life for the three years I was at that school. I’m talking physical abuse.

You are probably thinking how can a little kid hurt a muscular, top physical conditioned athlete like myself. Well, I’m neither actually I just mean hypothetically. The answer was by using a weapon.

As I was watching soccer, that little bastard ran his bike into my leg at full speed. Had I been a normal person I would have grabbed by his throat Terminator Style and crunched his windpipe. Or had I not been in a Zen state I may have sidestepped the bike, close-lined him, and followed that up with a quick knee to the nuts.

Unlike the Terminator “HE won’t be back!”

Subtitled above "ROSE PINK". It might not look dangerous, being a grandma style bike but trust me it hurts.

As it happens, I am a mellow person, despite what I said in the last paragraph. As he hit me in the leg and my knee started to bend the wrong way my first thought was rage. I couldn’t believe it. This kid had hurt me. I know that even babies can hurt people. They poke eyes, pull noses, have fists of rage that hammer into momma’s face. In a nutshell they can be demons. If you have a 12 year old with a weapon, like a bike, then you are in for an awakening. Introduce speed and a soft part of the body and you have max damage.

After my rage thought, I breathed in deeply and grabbed his handlebars. For a second I wish I was the HULK and could HULK SHASH his bicycle or at least handlebars into little pieces. Let him try to ride his bike with no handlebars, see how cool you are now.

How can I get Hulk's Power? Someone tell me!

I tried to push his bicycle away as he continued to peddle at full speed pushing against me. “What are you doing?”, I asked him. “Die foreigner, die!”, he answered. Not a very thorough answer to my question but nonetheless I know what he wants at least.

As you probably know in the animal kingdom the animals on top are the ones that look their enemy in their eyes and attempt to scare them off with intimidation, if that doesn’t work they eat them. In my case, I had no option to eat him, so I decided to go inside the school so he can’t attack my with his bicycle weapon. As I walked inside I saw him carrying his bike up the stairs. WTF? I hoped he wasn’t planning to bring it into the school, apart from attacking me, he’s going to get the school dirty. He just had his bike on the field (which is made of sand), so the sand will make a massive mess. I’m not cleaning it up. I’m a teacher (or perhaps a punching bag), not a janitor.

Yes you guessed it, the little demon started coming after me with his bike again inside the school. This time, he decide to mix it up, instead of going to my knee he he hit my ankles with his tires. I contemplated murder for about 5 seconds, before a teacher yelled in Japanese at the kid, “Don’t bring your bike in here!”. The kid answered, “Die, Mr.Impotence”. At least I have to give him props for that. Mr.Impotence? Who says that? Seriously, it is kind of funny. And as a bonus at least he doesn’t want only me to die. Although I do detect a bit of a theme going on here though with wanting others to die. Maybe he needs some counseling or better yet, perhaps I can suggest he take his bicycle to the highway and see if he can hit some cars with it? Yes, that sounds good.

Insert very evil laugh here.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva