BE THERE or Be Square!

This might sound like a command in English, but its more of joke used normally with children (the key word here is mostly).

It could be one with one child using it with another, or in a joking way between an adult and child. Of course, there is always the chance its serious and not a joke at all. If its two adults, expect an all out fight and if it involves weapons, move away. If it involves large dress up sumo suits, take some photo's and send them to me.

In Japan, something like "Be there or be square," would be more along of the lines of be there, or we decapitate you (with or without a smile possibly). Actually, that may be slightly overkill (that's funny cause I said decapitate before and I just used the word kill in overkill). I really crack myself up sometimes.
In Japan making your presence for work or social events is an obligation. It doesn't matter if you have nothing to do as long as you are there. You can stand around, pretend like you are doing something. Or not pretend and just sleep. Even snoring sounds are acceptable based on my observations.
It reminds me of those Simpson's episodes where Homer is supposed to be watching the security camera, and he's in deep sleep. In North American not acceptable, but in Japan, no problem cause you are there. You thought people slept already on the train on the way in (and therefore maybe full of energy), but you still find people sleeping all the time, in meetings, while talking to people etc. I even saw people fall asleep talking standing up answering the school phone. And I should add they also bowed, but of course the person on the other end isn't aware they are bowing. I started doing it too in my hopes of assimilation (I was like the biggest nail sticking out of the wood). I wanted to get hammered in but I never could (this is a Japanese expression I like, only I'm making a joke because I'm a foreigner and stand out).
Those people sleeping on the train were still tired probably cause they were obligated to stay at work late, then go to after parties, then get home super late, shower (hopefully), then start that cycle again.

This guy mean business. Frankly, I'm not messing with him.

And just to add to the confusion, cause I like mind games with words.
I don't want you to confuse your (personal) presence with (gift) presents, but both are equally important in Japanese society. As I alluded to in a previous blogpost, I gave a rotten melon to my hostfamily. It was beyond nasty, my fingers melted into it like it was butter. For me, it was the thought that counts.
Normally if I had given a nice $100 melon they would have recorded it in some hidden journal and wrote "Demon boy gave us a nice melon today, owe him something back for $100 ish". Instead they probably wrote "that mofo demon foreigner gave us a nasty melon, what a fuc$ker. I can't believe him. Let's get revenge on him in the future by slipping him some 'accidental" poison fugu fish on his next meal with us". That seemed fair, afterall revenge is sweet when served cold (or is that ice cream? Possibly both).

I never recorded anything when I was in Japan and I never remembered who gave me what. I'm sure I owe a lot of people things that I was given. I think I mentioned I once mentioned I wanted to buy a sword and all the sudden my host family bought me one. I felt a bit guilty now, but at the time I was like, can I rack it up even more? Some gold bars? Pixie dust? (the real magic dust one not some sort of code for drugs. Unless of course the drugs can make me feel like I'm flying with no side effects).

I want this one. Real pixie dust and I can fly like Tinkerbell.

The saying be careful what you wish for also comes into effect here.
Sometimes you have a balance owing for whatever was given to, if you like it or not.
This could result in a sliced off finger in certain circles, or broken bones in others.
I recall a story from my old Japanese teacher (a large white guy) who told me about a friend he had that kept going to this fancy steakhouse. The owner, a yakuza guy, said you can come here and eat anytime you want for free. His friend thought that was great, so he went everyday. He told his friend you should be careful or they might ask you to smuggle drugs, or do something worse in return. Nothing is free in life (except free craigslist section which I frequent daily, I got a nice iron yesterday, slightly rusty, but gets the job done)..
He didn't hear from that friend again.
Though I'm a bit concerned his "friend" was imaginary, its possible he's trying to give me a life lesson without telling me I'm an idiot (which of course everyone knows I am).

If that's true, he's the opposite of my wife. She likes to let me know, usually with weapons in her hands. Its at times like these I most desire pixie dust, to fly away.

That's not my wife, but it looks like her gun. Be careful.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Bragger's Never Prosper

Bragger's Never Prosper!

Its definitely a cultural thing to brag.

In the US and Canada if you are good at something (or have something) its OK to tell others.
"I'm good at basketball. I'm good at cooking. I'm good at math".
Or maybe, "Look at my car! Look at my watch! Look at my genitals! (Well, hopefully not)".
Unless you are blessed to be elephant sized. And some of us are.

As the expression goes,
"If the shoe fits wear it".

Try this on your lover, maybe they laugh, maybe they kill you.

In Japan its opposite world (like Bizzaro in Superman. Bizzaro is Superman, but an evil mirror copy).
You should always.... I repeat always, play down what you are good at (or have, such as elephant sized genitals).


If someone asks do you speak Japanese? You should answer "a little".
Are you 7 feet tall? You should answer "just pushing 5 feet".
Are your genitals elephant sized? You should answer, "no, like a mouse".

That one is the exception to brag about.

Even though I knew this, I didn't understand slang completely and that was part of the problem.

I become obsessed with Judo groundwork. You know, rolling around sweaty, doing chokes, armlocks and other fun things (that doesn't sound quite right).
In Japan this is known as NEWAZA. I thought it only meant ground work. But it also means sleeping skills, as in "bed skills".

I started to brag about how good I was, not realizing I'm going on and on about my bed skills (when in reality they are clean and church-like).
When I first met someone the conversation often started off on the wrong foot (cause the maybe the shoe didn't fit as my joke above went. Funny? Yeah it is!).

After the normal pleasantries we'd get deeper into discussion.
"What do you do for hobbies?", I'd be asked.
"I'm really into bed skills (ground), quite rough, really sweaty, long periods. I'm getting better with practice".

Everyone seemed dumbfounded. Most would respond "You understand our language well."
Little did I know I was an idiot and telling them about my sex life (whoops!).

This happened quite often until after a year about doing this a friend told me.
"Normally you shouldn't brag about that stuff, I know you are a foreigner (and I forgive you <for being a demon sent from hell>), but you might want to change your approach at introductions."

I still didn't really get it.

Finally a Japanese lady I met who had studied abroad told me in English, "You are very forward aren't you?"(and you are also a demon sent from hell).
Am I? I thought to myself.

She let me know that newaza had two meanings, but the context I'm using it (without explaining Judo and sports) has only one meaning and I'm coming off as a pervert (probably not something new as well).

I realized my error.

At that point I realized how funny it had been so told everyone the story of my mistake and stupidity (again as I've said many times very common in my life). Most people enjoyed the story.

If I was meeting was for the first time I continued to go on about my bed skills for amusements sake to see their reaction. I considered throwing in a few comments about elephant sized genitals.


After returning to Canada whenever someone asked me if I was good at anything I'd play it down.
"No, only a little".

Do you speak Japanese ? "Yes, a few words".

I realized that the only thing I shouldn't play down was my stupidity.
"Are you an idiot?"
I realized I should answer,"Yes 100%".

LOL, its true. I saw a movie about the future.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva