Memoirs of a Gaijin - An Unlucky English Teacher in Japan: October 2016

Monday, October 31, 2016

Look for Trouble It Finds You!

I recently watched some YouTube video's about Yakuza, aka the Underworld (not the movie, the actual underworld). Lifestyles of the real nightlife in Japan. FYI I see there is a new Underworld movie about to be released (the trailers look deceivingly good. The story kinda plateaued for me, then dropped faster than Felix Baumgartner from the stratosphere).

I remember my High School Japanese teacher (who I mentioned many times is a white guy) seemed to have all sorts of trouble with the Underworld. I hope his stories were true (there as no vampires in them). Even if they weren't, they were highly entertaining and led me down a path to the dark side. You might call him (Darth VADER!) and he is not my father (that I'm aware!)

In these YouTube videos a couple American guys are talking about drinking and clubbing and looking for girls. They don't care if the girls have boyfriends or not. That seems to be where the problem starts (foreshadow. It doesn't matter what country you are in, that won't end well, and no I don't know from experience).

One guy states "Those MOFO's do NINJA sh#t to kick our asses! They are always training to beat someone". I laughed, its a statement with semi truth.

Watch out you will never see them coming!

Let me emphasize you NEVER judge a book by its cover. You might be thinking this nerdy mofo who is 5 feet tall, can't do sh#t, then ninja’s might pop out at you. And he undoes his suit and inside he has ninja clothes on, swords and throwing stars.

The samurai spirit or mentality is still alive in Japan. As I mentioned in previous posts I saw some mofo’s do some crazy “Ninja” sh#t.

I saw people get choked out, arm breaks at judo. My own ribs and almost neck break (and I'm 5 feet tall and 100 pounds).
I saw little old men with no muscle do wrist locks or me and other people and make them scream like little girls (I usually scream that way in all honesty). It was impressive to say the least (and I have the marks on my body to prove it). Let me know if you can find out any voodoo techniques to pass those body marks to someone else (or if you met Dr.Strange. I'm not sure he's real yet, I'll check out his Marvel documentary to make sure his magic is legit).

In Japan a lot of children learn Judo or other martial arts. The school I taught at only had Judo, but they did a workshop on SUMO (I wasn't interested in seeing the loincloth on myself or others so I skipped it). Other schools may also have karate, kendo, aikido etc. There must be some that teach how to throw ninja stars called "shuriken" in Japanese. I hope they don't lace them with poison, kids would be dropping left and right.
After school those kids (or shall I say mofo's) are still training the same martial art or a different one. So they train day, night, weekend. Of course they are going to be proficient (aka able to kick ass with ninja sh$t). This should come as no surprise.

Let me express that there are no MCDojo's in Japan. If you don't get that word let me break it down for you.

Hmm, only a few months to get a black belt, must be legit!

You cannot buy your belt in Japan, you have to earn it. In Canada, there are a couple companies (especially karate based ones, don't wanna mention names or I may have a lawsuit coming).
People pay to buy each belt.
In Japan, at minimum you must put the time in. There are many crappy lower level black belts, but it doesn't mean they didn't spend 1000's of hours training (and doing ninja sh$t too).
A black belt of lower rank is seen as the beginning of the path, but here its seen as the end.
Once you are higher ranked, your skills will be so good, you may be learnt how to be invisible and touch of death (that's sarcasm, so don't expect it to be real, as for the Marvel Universe and Dr.Strange's magic the jury is still out).

So the moral of the story is simple, you might think that you being muscular and 6 ft 1, with 200 + pounds on a little scrawny Japanese guy means something, but it doesn't.

If you throw gas on the flame and try to steal someone's girlfriend, you may be in for a beating (and I may join in too).
Just cause you are a gaijin (foreigner) doesn't mean you have the right to be an as$hole.

Heed my words grasshoppers, for I am the ancient one (just like in the Dr.Strange movie, like how I used that three plus times?) By the way, the ancient one (in the comics) is supposed to be Asian but they hired a white for it. That's nice.
Hollywood is so with the times ;-)
On that note since its almost election time in the U.S. so is Trump. LOL!

LOL. And this guy might be President? You Americans are so funny.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6hudSMxomg

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Really ANNOYING WORDS from English!

Do you ever shudder when you hear certain things, or someone makes the same mistake over and over? (I sometimes also shudder when I pee my pants, but that's for a separate blog post (hope its not too TMI). Hope you are looking forward to it.

I use to have a co worker (in Canada) that always said "my staffs always listen to me". I wanted to slap him across the face (he was my boss, so maybe not a good idea).
It used to piss me off to no end (just like a Duracell battery? It kept going and going... and going....)

Its probably not worth being strangled by Darth Vader. Get it right! Its a command not a suggestion.

There are many words that the Japanese language has borrowed from English and Japacized (not to be confused with infanticide, and not nearly as terrible to most people, but to me both are disgraceful.

For some reason, certain words make me shudder and the only way to release my anger is to slap someone. Slap myself? Doesn't work, I tried!

PROTEIN. You know the stuff you get from meat and muscle builders eat a ton of.
In Japan its called PRO - TAIN. Like PRO but TAIN(T) minus the T. I just wanna slap the nearest person when I hear it. Its super annoying. I guess I should avoid the muscle bound types for slapping.

Dump Truck DANPUKAA
like as in DAN (name) PU (poo) kaah (like yelling kaaaaaaaaaa in a fight). Sounds like a child invented that word. I hate it with a passion (like Passion of the Christ, except no passion for Christ).

HORMONE(S) = HORUMON
I hate this word. WHORE MOHN (the MOHN is like the exact way a Jamaican would say MAN, MOUHN). As in hormones but also used when eating meat sometime at yakiniku (meat grilled on a BBQ). I hate it when someone asks "Do you want to eat hormones?" Sounds sick (and it is). LOL! I want to take that meat and put it where the sun don't shine (wait this sounds sexual). Its not supposed to be.

Seems a little overly direct. I like it.

I guess I should play devil's advocate (more devil and less advocate) and state that in the West we also Anglicize (turn it into English) to make words sound better for us.

Here are a few reverse examples that may drive Japanese people insane (and slap someone around them).

SAKE- I've never heard anyone in the West say this right, its SAAH KE(H). Everyone says SAKEY, there is no key sound. When Japanese people are trying to figure out what the hell you want, you think you're funny giggling and they don't. They are trying to comprehend your horrendous Japanese pronunciation.

GEISHA (its gay shah) not GI SHA or GAI SHA. Gei (gay) means Art and Shah (person). A person of art, although Geisha have many skills, one of those about deflowering seems to be the only thing us Westerns take from them. They also have many skills such as conversational skills and language trickery, instrument playing, makeup skills, serving drinks and food, singing etc. Its a wide array of talents, not laying on their backs (even I could do that one. Sounds sexual again, tone it down).

ORIGAMI, as in OREA(H) GAHME not ORAH GAMI. ORU means to fold, and becomes ORI, GAMI means paper, so literally you are saying folded paper. Everytime you say it wrong they probably want to fold you (in a really painful way).

TEMPURA (tem puhhh rah). Don't say Tampura or Tamponra. I don't want to eat tampons or have it get mixed up with my food (again). Its a joke although a dirty one. You probably just shuddered.

Sounds about right. Just replace grammar with English loan words. A bit of a mouthful though.