Memoirs of a Gaijin - An Unlucky English Teacher in Japan: February 2015

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Nampa the art of picking up women!

I should tell you two things (truths) about this topic before I begin.

1. I'm not good at picking up women. (You may think I'm this Don Juan Da Marco or sexy guy on the front of a women's love novel, but alas, I am not). I was also going to add in Captain Jack Sparrow. But no connection in any way. 軟派/ Nampa / ナンパ (written in Kanji here).

2. There second meaning of nampa is "shipwreck".

That's usually what happens what I try to pickup women, a shipwreck (although I'd like to brag about how amazing I am at it. Let me reiterate number 1, that I'm not).

I'm about as good at it as the feeling of rubbing your hand across sandpaper. Bumpy and rough ("Just the way your mother likes it Trebek!"). If you don't understand the Trebek thing its a joke on Saturday Night Live. Google it or ignore, just like the girls do to me, ignore my sandpaper advances. LOL.

I think you can fill in the blank.

Once while entering Japan I came across a Japanese immigration officer who looked very serious. He looked through my passport. At which point he noticed I was heading back to Kansai area (Kyoto, Osaka, Kobe area) for school. He told me he was from Osaka, I guess to make us feel like we have some brotherly connection. That's a nice move (maybe he's trying to pick me up?)
He then asked me if I speak Japanese, which I said yes. Since he already told me he's from Osaka in Japanese, its weird to ask if I speak Japanese after the fact. None the less, he did.
"You must be good at nampa!". I snickered. Although I knew very well the word means picking up girls in this context, I didn't want to let on, plus he's a freaking immigration officer. Imagine you tell them, yes I'd like to gain access to your country with one purpose to gain access to your most beautiful fair maidens. And they should be virgin maidens. And if by chance they have a dragon protecting them I'm not interested. Please allow me access and shoot me in the right direction.

I looked him in the eye for about five seconds at which point I replied, "I'm not good with boats". Incase you didn't catch my drift or remember my thorough explanation again. I'm implying to him I knew the second non slang meaning of nampa as shipwreck.
At this point he either realized I'm playing a game with him or thought I only knew proper Japanese.
He stamped my passport.
"Enjoy!" he said.
Enjoy I will, I thought (insert some sort of an evil laugh here).
I snickered as I passed into Japan, dreaming of my sandpaper smooth chances at picking up girls (aka none).

The ultimate technique. Works everytime for girls.

Most recently a good female friend reminded me.

"You know.. you are OK looking but you are very uncool. If only you could keep your mouth shut".
I smiled and responded, "But you know what. Its what's inside that counts right?".

"Ya about that... ummm you talk about the past a lot, and find jokes about rhyming words funny. You never shut up about Japan and things that happened along time ago. You don't live in the present. You are totally an old man."

LOL

LOL nice!

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Politeness Shomightness!

Politeness Shomightness

By the way if you didn't know shomightness it isn't a word (that I’m aware of), but it’s supposed to mean “politeness meh, who needs it".

Mwa ha ha!

I should assert (or to be more polite& say volunteer) I did learn the different levels of politeness in Japanese while studying at Uni (University).

I thought everyone’s sentences sounded so poetic. With long sentences with words inserted to caution the blow of changing topics or sharing knowledge that wasn't always positive.
Very similar to the British upper class.

A few stories come to mind to illustrate this point (if I may share them). See that’s politeness!

Allow me to submit to you a story (I’m sounding like British royalty here people).

Onetime as a student, I was on an exchange, and I wanted to go see Koga village (a cool ninja village). The stay in Japan was for 3 weeks. After asking my host-brother many times to go see this historical village, he gracefully informed me the distance to the location I sought after was far, and the time to reach it was great.

I didn't get the hint.

After a few days he told me “Yes. We will go see it in six weeks”. I couldn't comprehend his politeness puzzle laid out before me, for my brain was small, and my puzzle solving skills destitute (it means poor / crappy).

I informed him, “But I will be gone in 3 weeks, so 6 weeks won’t be possible”.

He half smiled out of politeness not wishing to inform me in a way that might hurt my feelings.

Knowing fully well I’d be no place near him or this country he informed me.

“If you are here in 6 weeks, we will go then”.

Haha. I didn't go that time. Eight years later, I went with my wife. He was right that it was far and a real S.O.B (son of a bitch) to get to. Alas, my desire to see it was great, and my dream to reach it overpowering.

Add "please" to anything.

I also remember going to the store and noticing the banana’s weren't in their usual spot. I asked one of the staff where the banana’s were. “In an area located near the back, I will lead you there”. Ok thank you I thought. More graceful.

After not finding them there I’d get the same thing repeated but lead to a new area. I felt like I was being led in circles like a donkey with a carrot infront of my face (only I'm not as smart). So finally I asked, “Sorry, I’m not interested in the dog feces you are feeding me, do you have banana’s or what?”.

Trying to be polite she responded, “The location of the banana’s may not be in this store, however If you could wait, some banana’s will come to their location in an allocated time”. WTF!

I found out later there was a banana shortage in Japan as some diet guru suggested all Japanese women should eat banana’s to stay fit.

In my case I wasn't interested in a diet or staying fit.
I didn't have any cunning plan.

I just wanted a banana because I’m a monkey.

I was so desperate for a banana I'd work for one too.