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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Sticky Hair, Burning Stomach, Perfect Combo

One day I was sitting in my condo watching Japanese TV.
My girlfriend used to always say, “I don’t like to leave you alone, because every time I do you come up with stupid ideas”. If I ever gave her lip and asked for an example she would make me a list (which were always true). Most of the things I came up with I thought were smart at the time, but once I did them I realized they were daft mistakes.
Don't fall. Use those muscles. At least he has a spotter.

One time I heard if you put coke in your hair, it will dye it naturally. Seemed like a good idea, but my hair got all sticky and the coke dripped from my hair all over the floor. Our condo was sticky for months. I remember her on her hands and knees more than once scrubbing (sorry).
Another time I thought it was a good idea to put a door hanger on my outside door that said my name in Japanese. Only the thing was I didn’t use the alphabet for foreign loan words for my name (called katakana). I used hiragana, which is a native Japanese alphabet only for Japanese words. I didn’t realize that my name could have a separate meaning in Japanese. We stopped getting mail from the post for a while. I couldn't figure out why until a Japanese friend mentioned that my door said I was never home. I said what do you mean? That’s my name. He said but you used hiragana, so they would think you are leaving them a message, “I'm never home”. That was dumb, at least inadvertently. At least my vocabulary was expanding.
My next ingenious idea came to me while watching TV. Infomercials always suck me in. I never buy anything from them, but if I think its a good idea I go do it. If they have an infomercial on organic honey, I’ll go buy the cheapest honey I could and drink a litre of it. I do remember one time them talking about the benefits of honey, saying it has magic healing powers and been used since the time of the ancient Pharaohs. I'm not sure this counts as well for the cheap stuff which is just basically glue mixed with sugar. But it tastes good at least.
This one particular day as my girlfriend was out, there was an infomercial on garlic. To be precise it was on garlic pills. They were explaining how good garlic is for you and that it has magical healing qualities. It also kills bacteria and is good for circulation. Each bottle of pills was about $80 (8000 yen). The advantage over eating garlic cloves was there wouldn't be an issue with the smell. Fair enough, but not worth the $80 to me. I'm frugal and that's a waste of money, so I kept thinking of an alternative cheap way to do it.
I came up with a great idea (I thought at the time). I would eat raw garlic cloves. And by garlic cloves I meant two full bulbs. I also did this on an empty stomach. More power of the magical qualities I thought. If you know me, you know I have a weak stomach, so this was perhaps not the smartest plan for me, nonetheless I decided to see it through.
I ate two bulbs (heads) of garlic. Yes, it burnt a bit as it went down. My tongue tasted a bit fiery.
I enjoyed the rest of the infomercial and thought about all the health benefits I was about to have happen to me. As my Japanese friends used to use the odd Japanese-English expression “It’s enjoy”. So "its enjoy" I did.
About an hour later, I felt like I had eaten battery acid. My stomach felt like it was turning inside out. The timing was perfect because my girlfriend had arrived home as I was moaning in pain. “What did you do this time?” she asked. I told the story as I moaned like a little girl (what else is new). Suddenly as if a thousand needles shot into my stomach & esophagus at once, I could feel my stomach twisting in revolution (or perhaps revelation). I ran for the bathroom and out came my cloves of garlic, in a slightly acidic form. The smell was terrible. It was even worse when the vomit came out my nose. It burned like a jalapeƱo pepper! I laughed and vomited at the same time. It was like riding the teacups at Disneyland for the first time, but on steroids.
As the pain from my stupidity halted my girlfriend decided to end with her two cents. 
“So what did you learn?”, she asked.
“I guess next time I should eat something before eating raw cloves I guess”, I answered.
Go! You should be OK. Don't do the splits though.



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Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel 
(makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva


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