Gluten & Glutton Conundrums

This is a short story (or should I say sh*t story) about me that my friend reminded me of, and I thought was slightly entertaining.

This is my life. Seems kind of funny till it happens!

I had a lot of bowel issues in Japan. It wasn't unique to Japan, but it definitely occurred quite often there. I'm not entirely sure what caused it so often, but it made for some pretty awkward situations. 
I remember more than once jumping off trains running for bathrooms, I found out near the end of my 3 years that some trains often had one toilet on the first car. Who knew! Would have been nice if someone had told me.

While most people would have 1 to 2 bowel movements a day, I was pushing 15-20. This is not a joke or exaggeration by any means, but it is kind of funny.

Toilet paper was costing me a fortune. I considered going to McDonald’s and grabbing 600 napkins. And by grabbing 600, I meant per day, not per month. As for costing a fortune, I did not buy the premium HELLO KITTY versions if you are wondering. I hoped some weird people didn't like HELLO KITTY so much they would use it then hang it to dry (slightly stained).

I didn't really like the napkins at McDonald’s or at most restaurants in Japan. They didn't have the ability to absorb a liquid like the ones in Canada do. They felt like they had 50% plastic in them. I’d rub ketchup on my lips and it would just spread over my face (not absorbent at all). Some people have just thought I was involved in a crime. Perhaps not useful for bowel movements I quandaried, yes quandaried! (that's an amazing word, that essentially means wondered in this case. Hopefully the past form of the verb is correct).

Anyways, I didn't know what my issue was, but curry, beer and other gluten type things (and gluttony as well if you get the joke, caused me issues).

I sometimes hoped I would get the LSD one.

I remember one time being late for a meeting in the provincial capital (called Otsu if you care). We were one stop away, but I knew I wouldn't make it. I remembered the next stop didn't have a toilet anyway so I was in big trouble. I clenched.

I told my friends I was going to get off one stop before the final destination (not like in the Final Destination movie I hope). I had to think of an excuse why, I told them because I needed a walk. They said its a 20 minute walk and we were already late. A good point they had. I need some exercise, so don't worry about it.

Got off the train and ran into another friend, he asked me why I was in such a rush. I told him I had to go to the toilet, he said he’d wait. I told him don’t wait it might be a while (as a non so subtle hint). Got to the toilet, no toilet paper. I didn't bring any (as I should have. Always need to be prepared). For the first time in my life I used a toilet paper dispensing machine and paid the $1 for 10 tiny tissues. It was a disaster, I should have bought more. I looked through my bag, hoping for something. I found some regular notepad paper, but it was hard. I considered chewing on it then spitting it out in hopes of softening it up. Seemed like a great idea. The taste of paper is not good though, its like inky and chemical tasting. I wondered (or should I say "quandaried" if my tongue would be blue from the ink).

I found a few McDonald’s napkins on the bottom of my bag. Not great, but better than nothing I thought.

Terrible idea. I was correct about the absorbency factor. More of a spreader, like a knife spreading peanut butter on toast (but not sharp and doesn't taste like peanut butter). I didn't try the taste fyi.

Oh no girl! No you didn't!

The prelude to the story that is soon to follow I should mention my friend was convinced I had some sort of gluten allergy, but once home in Canada, they claimed negative for everything and decided it must be IBS (irritable bowel syndrome).  I was irritated that it was irritable and left it at that.

Here’s my friend’s short story referring to me I wanted to throw in to close. Its written in first person.

Almost every time we would go out for food or drinks, from the curry restaurant to the bar, he would get the sh*ts.  One time we met him and his girlfriend at the bar after they had gone to a big dinner.  He said, "Hey guys! I ate this crab sushi and I think it gave me the sh#ts!"

"Dude, that's pretty gross.", I responded

"I know, but it was good so I ate more of it. Oh, I gotta go!" he grimaced and made a mad dash for the toilet.

I hope this blogpost wasn't too sh*tty for you. Ha.

Black is always safer.


Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva