Memoirs of a Gaijin - An Unlucky English Teacher in Japan: March 2012

Monday, March 26, 2012

A Bit of Magic In Japan, Kind of

A Wee Bit of Magic in Japan, Kind of

Look at the glow. Its like a free flashlight. By the way don't stick a bunch in a plastic bag people get "upset".

There are some things that you can do in Japan that are kind of magical. Although I guess technically you could do it in other countries such as Canada, it definitely does not have the same feeling. Take fireflies for example. In Canada, at least as far as I am aware people don’t take food to a river at night to enjoy the magical glow of the fireflies while listening to the sounds of nature. Actually just listening to the thought of it, people would probably laugh and say “Seriously? Are you kidding me?”. That being said, I would count it as one of the most magical moments I experienced in Japan that I wouldn't even think about trying to duplicate it here. Imagine asking your friends “Hey guys wanna go to the river, bring a picnic blanket and sit and watch fireflies?”. You will be laughed at for the rest of your life. Some of them may even ask you be committed to the mental asylum.

Imagine asking a girl. "Hello, how bout you and me go down by the river and enjoy a little glow of the flies?". Trust me, its not a good pickup line I've tried it (or maybe I didn't, if I did I don't want to admit it).

What is the point of this firefly viewing? Well it puts you on level 12 of the plateau of spiritual existence. What does that mean? I have no idea, but damn that sounded deep. English Honours 12, thanks for the layer onion technique (that doesn't mean anything I made it up).

The level 12 is like the Matrix, only minus the computer, technology and anything to do with having your body used as energy to feed robot energy (on the other hand I can't disprove it, so I could be in the Matrix). Someone on the street did tell me "Say hi to Morpheus" the other day when I was wearing my long black trench coat.


Eww fireflies look kind of gross when you can see them in light. Sick!

That wasn't the only magical moments but it was one of the best. Another of my other little special moments was of koyo or “leaf viewing”. What the heck is that you ask? Well its pretty much the it sounds. You pretty much walk to a place where there are a lot of leaves that are falling or have already fallen or where the trees are starting to lose their leaves and the colours are beautiful. Yes that’s right, beautiful! If you don’t believe me Google it, I don’t have a skill for taking pictures and a website to show you nor can I think of the words to describe it, and yes I am not insane (possible).
When I describe it, and if you haven’t done it, it sounds a bit ridiculous. Who goes around looking at leaves? They must be high you think. High on life !? Hahah, not funny!?

Its not of leaves, but its still pretty. Imagine a bush of nice colours like a pattern made by nature instead. If I can say so I'm a good photographer. Toot my own horn.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

Other funny stories from this blog
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Friday, March 16, 2012

The Japanese Toilet A Different World

The Japanese Toilet

Using the Japanese toilet was a bit of the puzzle to me the first time I saw a picture of it.
Perhaps the drawing I was looking at just happened to be out of proportion but all I kept thinking was it looks like a bath.


The one I used was longer. Elongated more bath like. PS don't wash hands in that water, its not clean.

Our Japanese teacher who happened to be a white guy, was explaining to use how to use it.
By looking at the photos I could not comprehend the words coming out of his mouth.
If you are well travelled you will know that pit toilets, the white porcelain ones are used in every country on this planet except for North America. Rightly so, they are considered more hygienic and use less space than standard Westernized toilets. They are easier to construct and use less water, not that I'm trying to pressure you into turning green (although it may be a good idea these days). I prefer a nice relaxed sit myself, the king of your own throne as they say.
He explained it simply, “Face the hooded end then take your pants to your ankles”. For whatever reason I couldn’t picture that. How can your ankles be tied at the base by pants and you can still move I thought? I didn’t want to ask for clarification since it was kind of an embarrassing topic.
The first time I arrived in Japan I was 15 years old or so. We were on a three week exchange. At that point we were in Hiroshima for 2 days staying at a hostel.
My normally functioning body wasn’t normal flows, either due to jet lag or new food. I was blocked. Finally one day, as we walked around the city I felt movement, YES I thought. Time for relief. The only problem was my adversary, THE JAPANESE TOILET.
We headed into a 7-11. As I bee lined for the bathroom, I thought I might hit up a Slurpee on the way out, even though the weather was super cold. Ummm slurpree. I looked around, no Slurpee machine. Weird I was thinking. I looked at the cashier counter thinking, in Japan they probably don’t allow kids to stick their heads under it like in the States. But no! None there either. Weird.
I asked someone later and they said what is SURIIIPEEE? I was like hello! Frozen pop and its total delish! They didn’t get it. I found out later Japan doesn’t have those at 7-11! Wow.

I'm not ever sure this is a mistake. But either way, I better take a pass to be safe.

Back to the story instead of an essay on Slurpees (which I prefer to write about, brown slurpees).
I headed into the bathroom and met my match, a white hooded mini bath.
I stared at the thing, its harder then you think. Even though many countries use this (most of the world in fact), I had never used one and was spoiled by using Western ones my entire life.
I tried to lay down a bit, hmm, didn’t seem to work. I pulled my pants down to my ankles. Now I can’t move, this is great I thought. If I fall over this is gonna suck trying to stand back up.
I decided if I laid in it like a bath that was my best option. Preferably no feces surrounding me, if possible please.


Why can't they post this in every toilet in Japan? That's all I needed. Possibly add video to it too.

I laid down with my hand bracing me on the sides and my ankles tied at the end. Didn’t seem to work. I decided to disrobe. And by disrobe I mean everything. By this point I was probably in the bathroom for about 5 minutes. My friend hammered on the door, “Dude everything OK in there? You are taking forever”. I looked down at myself naked laughing “Ummm dude, its a Japanese toilet I don’t get how to use it.” Then no response for 10 seconds. Then I heard him “HELL NO! If its that bath style one I’m out, see ya later”. He abandoned me at my time of need. Not that I could ask him for help. I tried a few more positions which didn’t seem natural.
I contemplated asking an employee in English, “Umm hello, I’m from Canada, can you teach me how to use your complex hooded bath toilet? I tried naked but had no success”. The thought evaporated from my skull within ten seconds. Nah, plus he wouldn’t understand my English. My Japanese was terrible at that time (and probably still is depending on who you ask mhwahahah).
With no clothes on, the cold was starting to get to me, You see in Japan a lot of places don’t use heat inside buildings so the weather outside is the same inside. I tried that special position again laying down this time instead of using hands I used my elbows to prop myself up. Then I layed (laid) down and my ankles weren’t tied anymore. I could pee, but I wasn’t sure what direction it was about to go. Not on my bare feet! I don’t have shoes on! Sick!
I leaned back far as I could and as close as I could to the water. I leaned my hips to the sky and my head tilted back. It was like I was doing yoga, a sun salutation with my hips. Alas, I misjudged the distance and the back of my head dipped into the water, sick! On the bright side at least I can restyle it, it wasn’t in cool shape anymore.
I finally finished my business and closed up shop by putting my clothes back on.
Now, where to wash my hands. I had two options, dip my hands into the place I just did my business, or there was a small metal tube coming out of the top of the toilet where the level to flush was. It might be clean but I wasn't sure. I figured at the point my hands had been all over the floor, so its probably to wash them at least a bit even if its slightly contaminated. Damn! No soap WTF?! No hand towels either. I used a bit of TP (which was really cheap and melted in my hands).
As I headed out of the bathroom I did one more CSI check for the Slurpee machine on the way out, still no dice. Damn!
As I walked out the 7-11 door my friend was waiting, at least he didn’t abandon me completely.
“Hey dude did you put gel in your hair? Its all wet”. I smiled
“Uhhh, ya, yup, yuppers I did.” I answered.

I wish I could have asked this guy for help. Not while naked though.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Monday, March 5, 2012

Haircut and Throatcut Please, I'll take both

Time for a Japanese Haircut, or throat cut, depending on what you'd like sir.

Well... I'll take both!

I think he is gonna use that on my head, or possibly my throat. At least he looks happy to see me.

Repost from my older blog.

So I went to get my haircut today. It was the usual place I've been going in Vancouver. I go to this really cheap place 6$ plus taxes. Although it just went up to 8$, which is still pretty good. I went to an authentic Japanese salon in Vancouver and it cost 40$. Who wants to pay that? Especially for a guys haircut. I could probably give myself a bowl cut, with a shaver and pay nothing. 8$ is my kind of price.

So the only reason the place is so cheap is because its full of students that cut your hair. Today I had someone new. She was Chinese and I said "Do you speak any other languages?". She said she spoke Chinese and I'm like oh good for you. Then, she says to me "Are you Christian?". Since Christianity has nothing to do with language I thought it was weird. I was going to say no way, but thought she might be, so just to play it safe. Not exactly, I have no religion. "Oh!", she answered. I said, "Well, are you Christian?". "Yes", she answered.
Then she looks at me, "You seem nice, even though you aren't Christian". "Thanks I guess?", I answered. I guess the other 6 billion inhabitants of the world can't be nice cause they aren't Christian?
I told her I lived in Japan and she asked me if there were many Christians. Again a weird question to start off a question, I get the feeling she only has religion on her mind. Since there are very few in Japan, I answered no, not really. There are about 1 million of the 135 million and the majority of Japanese tend to include themselves as belonging to more than one denomination, be it Shinto, Christian or Buddhist. One might say they use whatever religion conveniences them.
She said, "I see".
End of conversation.... Silence for the rest of the haircut.
At least the haircut didn't turn out that bad. It was a bit like this picture below.

Its not that noticeable right? No one will say anything.

Since it was silent I started to daydream and remember getting my haircut in Japan. It was kind of funny.
I went to this really cheap place near the Heiwado Super Market in our small town. It was like 1300 yen or $15, which is fairly cheap by Japan standards. They always asked me if I wanted a facial shave. Well, since the shave was always included in the price of course I wanted a shave. I would make sure I wouldn't shave the day of, to get extra value for my money. Always thinking I be.
The only problem was that they would ask me to lean back as far as I could. I felt like I was a pig about to have my throat cut open to bleed. As I leaned back they would put boiling towels on my face, presumably to open the pores (or my skin with the blade). It felt good, but when they brought a huge blade across my throat I used to worry so much I could feel my heart race and probably super pronounced through the skin of my neck like an alien trying to escape my body. Since I had never seen Sweeney Todd Demon Barber or whatever its called, I could only make my own images in my mind of having my throat slit. Since I have a massive Adam’s apple I was always worried that it was about to get shaved off.


Now imagine that guy in Japanese form and a bigger blade and telling you to lean back and relax.

Luckily, aside from a little blood, I never got cut too badly. Afterward, they would wash down my face, shampoo my hair (for an extra 200yen or $2.50) and finish the cut, with a soft massage by a girl. Oh boy the massage was nice! I'm not going to lie. I wish they gave massages at Canadian places at a reasonable price, I'd be in there everyday and if they said you'd have to get your hair re cut, I'd do it!
One day at school I told my students where I got my haircut and they all laughed. I wondered what was so funny. Finally they told me that's where criminals worked. I wasn't sure if they were joking. I did think all the people who worked there, seemed like smoking, darker skinned (sometimes discriminated against in Japan), no teeth or gold teeth typed people. It didn't really matter to me since the price was right and so was the service. Unless of course, they did plan on cutting me for the extra 500 yen (5$ in my pocket).
I finally asked one of the English Japanese teachers what he thought of Samitto (Summit Barber). "Oh", he answered, "Actually I wouldn't go there. I think its all former criminals released from jail. I heard the government helps sponsor the place". WTF? I was going to a place where criminals just got out of jail ?
I thought someone was playing a joke on me. Apparently one of the students mom's worked there. I had mentioned numerous times at Samitto, that I worked at a really bad school called East Junior High where the students were all asses. Well, now I found out I was probably telling their parents. Whoops! Always good to dig yourself a grave, I'm sure someone there could throw me in.
Some students also told me to look for signs, like slit wrist scars and neck scars or missing fingers.
I started to keep my eyes open for these things. I was surprised by how many I saw. I felt bad for the women who were cleaning my head, since I could see massive scars across their wrists where I assumed they had tried to commit suicide.
I also wondered when they washed my hair if they might want to hold my head under the water to kill me. I would, my Japanese isn't that great anyways, probably annoying to them to listen to my broken Japanese.
Every time I leaned back when I saw the barber with his sharp blade and his golden teeth, I worried he might want to "accidentally" cut me a little.
They also used to stick a little mini shaver in my ear to cut out the hair. It tickled a lot and I used to laugh non stop. Some of the women would ask if I was OK. I wondered how come I was the only one that ever laughed? I must have a lot of old man hair in my ear or something.

Actually the whole thing seems pretty funny looking back at it now.
I only went to that place a few more times. We became friends with a girl that worked at a really high end hair salon across town. That has a few stories too, but not related to throat cuts or drownings. I think we got a deal from her.
When I broke my neck though and they were trying to wash my hair onetime, I felt like I was losing consciousness as my spine appeared to be snapping in half. When I mentioned I was in a bit of pain, they asked how much and I said "to the brink of death". I think they thought I was joking.
Sadly, I wasn't!

Memoirs of a Gaijin - An Unlucky English Teacher in Japan

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