Can't Hear,Crap! Big Trouble Little Countryside

Can't Hear? Crap! Big Trouble in Little Countryside

This wasn't her village, but it is a countryside. 

I once went to visit my friend Yoko (that’s her real name not an alias by the way) in the countryside near Tokyo. Her family lived in the suburbs called Chiba. If you're interested its famous for peanuts. Its really the countryside.... like totally.
Cool, I thought, I get to visit the ol’ countryside.
I visited her family home which was a short walk from the station. It looked very traditional from the outside. They seemed to have electricity, how amazing I thought.
Since it was during the Winter holiday she had a lot of family visiting while I was there. There was one elderly aunt she introduced me too who I think may have been hard of hearing (as in completely deaf) and possibly vision impaired as well, because she didn't seem to know I was a gaijin “foreigner”. She spoke to me, asking my family’s last name and my hometown. When I told her Canada, she didn't bat an eye, because I don’t think she heard the response anyway.
Not a big deal except that when I went to use the bathroom I noticed there was no lock on the door. I could slide the door closed and there was a slight gap between the doors so that either person could tell someone was inside without seeing them in their porcelain throne glory. The only problem was if you are blind or close to blind, you can’t see the movement inside, and may think the door is closed due to remaining smells from previous occupants.
As I was trying to have my few minutes of peace, her aunt came to the door and started trying to open it. I tried to hold it closed yelling “Stop! I'm in here” in Japanese. She didn't seem to have any reaction as if she didn't hear me. She knocked on the door. In Japan you knock to see if someone is inside, as they would knock back to indicate yes there is someone in it. I knocked back but since she was deaf that didn't seem to work either. She kept pulling.
For someone so elderly she was pretty strong. That being said, on my side of the door was a tiny round metal handle which I could barely slide two fingers into. If I recall correctly she had a whole handle she could overpower me with. 

Dude, how can I block her when I can only get two fingers in this to block her.

She started to yell “Yoko! Your door seems to be stuck! I can’t get it open”. I yelled too “Yoko help! I'm in the bathroom and your aunt doesn't seem to hear me and has almost got the door open”.
The lactic acid in my fingers was starting to give out. I didn't know if I could hold the door anymore. Her aunt kept mumbling this door is so stiff I can’t get it open.
I resorted to English “LADY STOP! I'm in here, do not come in!”. Finally I could hear Yoko trying to tell her that someone was inside and lead her away. What a relief!
I couldn't continue my business (of porcelain time) due to anymore threats of the door opening. Stage freight I guess. She ruined my moment.

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Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

The Japanese Toilet A Different World

 
The Japanese Toilet



Using the Japanese toilet was a bit of the puzzle to me the first time I saw a picture of it.
Perhaps the drawing I was looking at just happened to be out of proportion but all I kept thinking was it looks like a bath.

The one I used was longer. Elongated more bath like. PS don't wash hands in that water, its not clean.

Our Japanese teacher who happened to be a white guy, was explaining to use how to use it.
By looking at the photos I could not comprehend the words coming out of his mouth.
If you are well travelled you will know that pit toilets, the white porcelain ones are used in every country on this planet except for North America. Rightly so, they are considered more hygienic and use less space than standard Westernized toilets. They are easier to construct and use less water, not that I'm trying to pressure you into turning green (although it may be a good idea these days). I prefer a nice relaxed sit myself, the king of your own throne as they say.
He explained it simply, “Face the hooded end then take your pants to your ankles”. For whatever reason I couldn’t picture that. How can your ankles be tied at the base by pants and you can still move I thought? I didn’t want to ask for clarification since it was kind of an embarrassing topic.
The first time I arrived in Japan I was 15 years old or so. We were on a three week exchange. At that point we were in Hiroshima for 2 days staying at a hostel.
My normally functioning body wasn’t normal flows, either due to jet lag or new food. I was blocked. Finally one day, as we walked around the city I felt movement, YES I thought. Time for relief. The only problem was my adversary, THE JAPANESE TOILET.
We headed into a 7-11. As I bee lined for the bathroom, I thought I might hit up a Slurpee on the way out, even though the weather was super cold. Ummm slurpree. I looked around, no Slurpee machine. Weird I was thinking. I looked at the cashier counter thinking, in Japan they probably don’t allow kids to stick their heads under it like in the States. But no! None there either. Weird.
I asked someone later and they said what is SURIIIPEEE? I was like hello! Frozen pop and its total delish! They didn’t get it. I found out later Japan doesn’t have those at 7-11! Wow.

I'm not ever sure this is a mistake. But either way, I better take a pass to be safe.

Back to the story instead of an essay on Slurpees (which I prefer to write about, brown slurpees).
I headed into the bathroom and met my match, a white hooded mini bath.
I stared at the thing, its harder then you think. Even though many countries use this (most of the world in fact), I had never used one and was spoiled by using Western ones my entire life.
I tried to lay down a bit, hmm, didn’t seem to work. I pulled my pants down to my ankles. Now I can’t move, this is great I thought. If I fall over this is gonna suck trying to stand back up.
I decided if I laid in it like a bath that was my best option. Preferably no feces surrounding me, if possible please.

Why can't they post this in every toilet in Japan? That's all I needed. Possibly add video to it too.

I laid down with my hand bracing me on the sides and my ankles tied at the end. Didn’t seem to work. I decided to disrobe. And by disrobe I mean everything. By this point I was probably in the bathroom for about 5 minutes. My friend hammered on the door, “Dude everything OK in there? You are taking forever”. I looked down at myself naked laughing “Ummm dude, its a Japanese toilet I don’t get how to use it.” Then no response for 10 seconds. Then I heard him “HELL NO! If its that bath style one I’m out, see ya later”. He abandoned me at my time of need. Not that I could ask him for help. I tried a few more positions which didn’t seem natural.
I contemplated asking an employee in English, “Umm hello, I’m from Canada, can you teach me how to use your complex hooded bath toilet? I tried naked but had no success”. The thought evaporated from my skull within ten seconds. Nah, plus he wouldn’t understand my English. My Japanese was terrible at that time (and probably still is depending on who you ask mhwahahah).
With no clothes on, the cold was starting to get to me, You see in Japan a lot of places don’t use heat inside buildings so the weather outside is the same inside. I tried that special position again laying down this time instead of using hands I used my elbows to prop myself up. Then I layed (laid) down and my ankles weren’t tied anymore. I could pee, but I wasn’t sure what direction it was about to go. Not on my bare feet! I don’t have shoes on! Sick!  
I leaned back far as I could and as close as I could to the water. I leaned my hips to the sky and my head tilted back. It was like I was doing yoga, a sun salutation with my hips. Alas, I misjudged the distance and the back of my head dipped into the water, sick! On the bright side at least I can restyle it, it wasn’t in cool shape anymore.
I finally finished my business and closed up shop by putting my clothes back on.
Now, where to wash my hands. I had two options, dip my hands into the place I just did my business, or there was a small metal tube coming out of the top of the toilet where the level to flush was. It might be clean but I wasn't sure. I figured at the point my hands had been all over the floor, so its probably to wash them at least a bit even if its slightly contaminated. Damn! No soap WTF?! No hand towels either. I used a bit of TP (which was really cheap and melted in my hands).
As I headed out of the bathroom I did one more CSI check for the Slurpee machine on the way out, still no dice. Damn!
As I walked out the 7-11 door my friend was waiting, at least he didn’t abandon me completely.
“Hey dude did you put gel in your hair? Its all wet”. I smiled 
“Uhhh, ya, yup, yuppers I did.” I answered. 

I wish I could have asked this guy for help. Not while naked though.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva