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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Sand and Sports Don't Mix, Grass please

Sand and Sports Don't Mix


Can we get a little grass here?
You know the green soft stuff.


As we all know, no one on this earth wants to work more than they have to, especially if they are not paid for it. Its my right to leave as soon as my shift ends. I’m getting the hell out of dodge. I’m not Japanese and sorry even if you think, oh this barbarian should be able to understand everyone else is staying till late that he should to, I have no interest in doing so. Therefore I won’t.I have a life outside of work, and even if I don’t want to engage in something social with other people, TV or surfing the net will be fine by me.

Looking back at school. I'm out of here!
As soon as the clock hit 3PM I was always like, “Peace yo, I’m out of here”, only I said it in Japanese. I knew one foreigner that would go to the bathroom a few minutes before 3PM, run to his car and start it up. He was literally off property at 3PM and no one knew (maybe).
In my case as soon as I was off. However, a few times the teachers would ask if I’d like to watch any sports after school. Not really I thought, “Um sure for a bit”, I answered. I hoped a little but actually meant "not really, I'm just trying to be nice so that when you aren't looking I'm out the door sucker!
I sometimes watched soccer but I found it more interesting to play than watch. I had two main issues with playing soccer though. Either 1, the weather was extremely hot, as in hot like hell or so cold I felt like I was living in Siberia. Yes, and this coming from a Canadian - who could believe it? Issue number two was due to the field. I felt like I was putting my skin through a cheese grater. I would end up grating skin of my knees, shins, hands, wrists, arms, and elbows. This was due to the field being made out of sand instead of grass.
Play and cheese grate my skin or watch? Hmm..
During winter it would freeze and feel like cement when you fell on it. During the summer it would get in your clothes and shoes, and keep rubbing skin off even after you were off the field. The best part was when it would burn in your cut. You try to rub it out and it is like sandpaper rubbing your skin raw.
My last problem with the field was the sand vision, or should I say lack of vision. It was cutting my eyes. The students and teachers assured me it was an evil sand, that was brought to them by the evil Chinese. I often asked them, “Ahem, what do you mean by  that?”.
They would often look at me like I was someone who couldn’t comprehend even the most basic things.
“The Chinese send it here all the time, their purpose is to be terrible to us”.
Interesting I would think. I can understand that students are kids and therefore, may come up with tales of fantastical worlds, where little hobbits run around with a ring to rule them all, and little boys with scars on their heads use magic but Chinese throwing sand at them? Seems a bit far fetched. After hearing it from 5 teachers, I decided either it was true, or someone was brainwashing them.
I still didn’t really understand what the rant meant, so I looked it up online and read that the sands from the Gobi desert were lifted by winds and hit Korea and Japan. The desert is also expanding at an incredible rate and literally covers Chinese cities with sand. The internet doesn’t say anything about China using spoons, or possibly chopsticks lifting up grains of sand in the air and flinging them toward Japan. I was under the impression they thought the Chinese were doing it on purpose to them. I think that part was a bit of a stretch, but then again who am I to say? I am no scientist.
Another reason I would sometimes stay later was that I thought by playing sports with the kids I would get to have fun with them too. The only thing is although I’m not overly competitive at the same time I don’t hold back even when playing with children. If I have to body-check a few 15-year-olds to make our team win I don’t have any moral dilemma with that. Is that so wrong?
After a few body checks I think the kids knew I meant business. They probably suspected I would take it easy on them. They were in for a real awakening then. I started to play another game on the sand that a lot of kids played called soft tennis
Soft tennis. A Japanese made sport. No backhand?

What the hell is that you ask? Supposedly it was a game created in Japan. It is very similar to normal tennis except that the ball is a soft rubber one (to bounce on sand) and also that there is no backhand swing allowed (although I did a few backhands anyways) which threw them off their game. What better way to trick them then to do something they wouldn’t expect and not follow the rules! Take that! I win at last!





P.S. One day before a sports festival I helped the kids clean up the field. When I asked what they were doing they said picking out grass and it ruins the field. I was thinking of coming back nightly to lay grass seeds to protect myself and them from the sand. 






If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!



Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel 
(makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva


Helpful links below


Links What is Soft Tennis?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soft_Tennis 

Gobi Desert Info
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gobi_Desert

Toxic Sand from China
http://www.terradaily.com/reports/Chinese_yellow_sand_hits_Japan_SKorea_officials_999.html

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Scooter and The 3 Idioteers!

Accidents aren't usually funny, unless they involve someone getting hurt and its not me. Well, the accident the other day was a bit of both.

I bought a scooter for about $300 American. Seemed like a good deal, but it has a few holes in it, it has been in an accident or 2 but I thought it seemed OK. As long as the holes aren't in the gas tank, or I’ll be throwing money away. hahahhaha holes in the gas tank, that would be funny. Leaking behind me as I drive, it could be like in a movie I just need someone to light a match on my gas trail. Cool... until I blow up.
Not my exact scooter but similar "puke" green colour.

Well the girl I was buying it from was there, and she said I should drive it once to try it out, so I went around the parking lot as slow as I could, not only to not embarrass myself as I’d never ridden a scooter before, but also cause if there was some problem with it and I didn’t like it I better not damage it.

Later in the day I saw 3 Gaijin English Teachers hanging out. TR, Matt and Nick who asked if they could try it. Sure I thought, what’s the worst that could happen. Let me tell you from experience you should never think that way. Upon taking the scooter out, I turned it on and didn't turn the wheel away from the fence. As I gassed it, I accelerated full speed into the sharp fence and my leg got stuck between the fence and bike. I couldn't remember where the break was and kept accelerating. So I cut my leg, my hands were crunched into the fence and the bike kept going. I see the neighbours behind the fence went inside, possibly because they thought a Gaijin had just been released from the insane asylum. Maybe they were right. I was very embarrassed but laughed it off. They were all laughing too.

Nick asked for a go on it. He grabs it and does it a little turn, then all the sudden he accelerates at full speed and pops the front wheel into the air, it was completely vertical. I was thinking that is so funny, man he must be really good with this thing to feel confident at controlling it like that. Who in their right mind pops a wheelie(if that’s what you young ins call it these days).
Seconds later I realized he wasn't in control. He was heading for a cement wall at full speed. You might imagine a little scooter doesn’t go that fast, but yes, especially while popping a wheelie it can go. He smashed into the wall and the front tire crashed into the window of our apartment building. I was sure it broke/cracked. My bike crashed and fell down and the sound of many things shattering echoed in the parking lot. The other 2 were laughing except me and Nick. As I looked around at the chaos I noticed for the first time a 12 pack of beer on the ground. I guess they were all drunk, but I hadn’t picked up on it. I guess I don’t pay attention to detail (must be why my girlfriend always says I have Attention Deficit Disorder).
Nick got up and his hands were all crushed from the bike. I was thinking looks like he will have a lot of bruises. I saw him a week later and his hands were purple and blue. Oh well, serves him right, he broke my bike. Karma is a b#*@h.
The rear tail light was completely shattered on my bike. Likewise, the fender cracked off. I don't know what else except for paint chips, random pieces of metal all over the ground (where did all the metal come from? Probably not that important, just the screws holding my scooter together). He probably just added a few more holes as well, hopefully not in the gas tank. I was thinking it was my chance to just spray paint it a new colour as the puke green looked bad anyways.
Our building. Just behind the tan car he hit the window.

Nick didn’t want to seem less manly so he didn’t really say much about it.
A week later he told me he would give me about $20 bucks for the repairs.
I got a new tail light that cost $30, the chipped paint I didn’t do anything about. I decided it added character. As for Nick, well he didn’t give me the $20. He never really lived up to any of his promises, except for inserting me into one of his rap songs, where he made me yell about AK47’s, Glocks, and M16’s. I don’t even know what those are. 
Not Nick, but someone that looked like him.



If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!



Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel 
(makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

  

Sunday, August 21, 2011

The Tale of the Snow Monkeys

Snow monkeys. Have you ever seen a monkey before? They look kind of human like share the majority of our DNA, but at the same time they are filthy. Covered with hair, poop into their hands and eat it. There is definitely a bit of a missing link between us as species, well at least most of us. Regardless of their imperfection, you can almost see the human in them. Apart from leathery skin, hair and poop, their eyes and gestures sometimes seem like us.
So cute or so I thought at first.

Now Imagine a baby monkey and how cute it is. Change that brown hair to mostly white and that the monkey’s don’t live in a forest canopy and play in a hot spring. Their lives revolve around frolicking in the snow. I wish I could do that.



 

If you can imagine that then you’ve thought of something truly magical in Japan (No, not the magic kingdom in Tokyo, which is cool. Instead of spinning teacups they have spinning sushi, just kidding).
As I mentioned before snow monkeys are very cute, but at the same time you have to take precautions. They are stronger than us and have an attitude when challenged. We were told don’t look directly into the monkey’s eyes as that means you are challenging them. The bigger ones have arms the size of crowbars and can tear a human male in half if they wanted to (in theory anyways). They seemed docile enough as we approached. I looked into the babies eyes. At first I saw his hands that looked so human like except their nails looked painted black and the palms of the hand more leathery.


One angry snow monkey.

One monkey seemed not impressed I was looking at the baby and charged me. I turned my eyes the other way. I saw all the monkeys playing in the hot spring. I thought how cute it was and it seemed like they were having a bath in a jacuzzi together. Then I thought wow this is amazing maybe I can jump in with them and swim around. That cute thought abruptly ended when I saw a mother monkey take a number 2 (aka feces) into the hot spring on her baby. The baby picked it up and ate some, sick! How much DNA do they share with us again?
I saw them running around like dogs a bit and throwing feces at each other, that’s cute I thought, just don’t get any on me.





 
Then I saw two monkeys rolling up a big ball of snow. What the heck are they doing? Then for a brief moment I thought I had a telepathic moment with one of the monkeys, its human eyes staring at me. They were building a snowman? Maybe they could use fecal matter instead of a carrot for a nose. Perhaps I could teach them, the teacher always comes right out of me at the most appropriate times.I guess my telepathic power of persuasion didn’t work because the biggest monkey picked up the ball and threw it on the head of a smaller monkey who now ran away and cried with its hyena cackle. I picked up a snowball myself just in case this monkey wanted to engage in Mortal Kombat. 

The monkey made the right choice and left the second large ball of snow on the ground. Had he chosen to fight me, I would have face washed him. He would have been getting snow out of his nose and mouth for days! Cute, but definitely not the most perfect of god’s creations. Made in our image but not close enough it seems. I still suggest you see them at least once. Heed my advice, don’t stare in their eyes they will either suck you in with their cute looks or cause you to run away screaming like a little girl hoping they won’t kill you. I did a bit of both to be honest.




Don't jump in. Its not clean even though it looks kind of magical.
To see more about snow monkeys see Wikipedia article at 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_macaque




If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!


My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)



Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel 
(makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

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