Memoirs of a Gaijin - An Unlucky English Teacher in Japan

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

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Sunday, January 31, 2016

How to Raise a Dragon (child)

How to Raise a Dragon (or child) or dragon-child.

Yes, kids at times can be annoying, ever so slightly I admit.

This title is a spin on a kid’s movies. Also, because its talking about Asian kids I’m associating them with Dragons. Because at least in China everyone wants to raise a Dragon (and perhaps ride one too), which is where my story comes into play (kind of).

Id like to point out a scientific point of "symbiosis" in that kind of relationship. You can raise the dragon and in turn it lets you ride it.

Its a perfect relationship. Maybe if you pull its tail it will spit fire too and in turn it gets BBQ meat. Everyone wins except for the people being turned into BBQ I suppose.

Now back to raising kids and less about Dragons (unless you are interested then FYI I'm on the hunt of one now. I found some burnt cows, nothing left but teeth. Wish me luck. This might be my last blogpost if things don't go well).

Now back to the blogpost at hand!

Kids can be terrors, if you don’t know, you can take my word for it.
Most of you one day will create life and with it, its power! (and terror too!)

I feel like you will make Frankenstein based on the terror part. You probably won't (I hope). Unless you are Donald Trump. Then you may be trying to make a Lex Luthor child to rule the world and destroy SUPERMAN! (but that's a question to be asked at the next Republican primary, haha). Mr.Trump, should you be reading this its just a joke, I apologize if its in bad taste, but don't sue me for my billions (of pennies.......... ......again!)

Incase you didn’t know I have two children

(I guess the rumour is out I’m no Mary Magdalene) unless the children were immaculately conceived .....again! I like adding "again" to things, makes it doubly as funny.

Kids. They are entertaining. This sounds like the right kind of teacher to have. I don't recall mine ever doing it.

Our children are of two worlds like Spock (from Star Trek. You know the dude with pointy ears!)

As you know Spock is half human and half Vulcan. No my children are not aliens from another world, but they are from two cultures, or perhaps three one might say. As the margarita's are in James Bond, shaken not stirred! (or martini's, whatever it is)

Momma is Chinese Canadian which means her side is into Dragons, daddies side mixed European (from the time of the big bang) but became typical Caucasian Canadian which means beavers and lumberjacks (that sounds very wrong somehow).

We both studied and lived in Japan, so that's our adopted culture (Ninja's, Samurai and Hello Kitty).

Somewhere in the middle we raise our kids. As it sounds, its an interesting mix.

Right and wrong may be subjective, depending on the culture. Some things are exact opposites.

In our case, we hug and kiss our children a lot. Use expressions like "I love you'. If I were in Japan I might say "you dishonor me", "you shame your family and its past generations". That's a heavy helping of sarcasm fyi, but its not an outright lie. There is an extra burden in Japan, of not only representing oneself, but of the family, the name and the legacy. One small slip of the domino and the chain reaction occurs.

If it were Japan distancing ourselves emotionally might be the preferred option. In ancient times teaching them how to be Samurai (now somewhat too) and live by the Samurai code (and go around slicing sh$t too). That's only a little sarcasm, the slicing sh%t is fun.
I've never enjoyed physically harming people (unless they are choking me in Judo, then I rage, till I pass out).
Having tight control over what children do, including the seriousness attached to study might be more important in Chinese and Japanese cultures than "typical" Canadian.
Life is short (unless you are immortal), so why not enjoy? I rather they have fun and play then locked in their room studying and memorizing useless stats (that's what the internet is for, well and for porn of course).

We could lock them in their room to study but I prefer they read nonsensical books like Thomas, play with Lego, go outside to step on anthills (not those fire ants, they hurt), burn sh%t with magnifying glasses etc. I used to do the last two. I also peed on Lego onetime (indoors). I hope the person's Lego it was, isn't reading this, but he might be. Sorry about that, we do stupid things when we are kids (15 years old?)
That's the way I want them to grow up (except for peeing on LEGO, that was not funny at the time, Although I do laugh about it now).

Beating kids is not nice nor does it instill in them kindness and love. I've met a few Chinese parents of the beating persuasion and I was not impressed. I wondered if they would like it if someone would do that to them. Maybe I'll choke them with a Judo move (and those MOFO's will pass out).
Unfortunately a lot of us are recycling the way we were brought up. The mold is set one might say.

I recall onetime witnessing a Japanese child get hit on their head during a meal. I had already told him from my point of view what he had done is nothing (playing mahjong at school), so what's the worst that could happen. After he got hit a few times in the ears and head I realized that was only in my culture not his. Whoops! I think I shouldn't have told him no problem. I should have said "Dude you are fu#(ked".

I also heard stories of children getting hit on the hands with chopsticks when they didn't listen.
It seems to be we all have a choice, raising a child with love and in turn will treat you with respect, or you can punish them with pain and they fear you (that sounds like some deep Nietzsche right there. Don't get it? Look him up).

For me the fear and pain to the child I created with my DNA, is not an option.
If I found out, the child was the milkman's, I might recant that statement. HA!

Uh OK, seems like a good note to leave the blospost ending on. And no it wasn't written by me (again!).

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Thursday, December 31, 2015

Religion and the Big J!

Religion and the Big J!

Disclaimer

Hopefully you don't get easily offended by anything to do with religion (its quite light hearted), if you do please stop reading this, its mostly in jest as everything I write is (except for the truth and facts I present).

You may be thinking uh oh, no he didn't! This is going get him crucified (like the letter t, not big J).

He chose the wrong topic this time of year (Dec).
A little bit of yes, and a little bit of no.
The big J I am referring to is of course my topic of this blog, Japan. Not the other J (well, mostly. Its called misdirection in magic circles. Make you think I'm not going to walk that line, then pull out the big guns).
As I have previously alluded to in other blogposts, Japan is a strange place when it comes to religion. You see stats are often skewed (fu$ked up). Some Japanese may see themselves as one religion or multiple! (As the great JayZ once said, jigga what!?)
Imagine that in Pakistan or India! Instead of getting stoned to death for having inter-religions marriages, people could be multi-religious. Maybe Pakistan and India wouldn't even need to be split anymore (fyi I'm referring to the partition of the two states based on religious ethos. Too deep for you? Its better than a religious joke....... maybe).

You see in Japan some may celebrate funerals the Buddhist way, weddings the Christian way and New Years the Shinto way. On top of that, in daily life follow Confucian morals (filial piety and such, if you catch my drift. Maybe too deep again? Its as deep as the Marianas trench, the deepest trench on the planet. Not to be confused with the band "Marianas Trench", which funny enough is also from Vancouver, the least "deep rock' scene I've heard of on the planet. Must be an oxymoron, sorta).

By devoting only certain times to each religion they are essentially utilizing what religion is convenient at that time. That's nice and would probably help make the world a more peaceful place (imagine Israel! On a side note did Brad Pitt ever clear out the World War Z{ombies}yet?).

LOL. Highly amusing!

Not one religious doctrine or holy book driving the average Japanese person's existence, nor a commitment to only one divine power. Could it work anywhere else in the world? I'm not convinced (using history as my judgement hammer). Religion is like a plants photosynthesis, we seem to think need it, until it can be replaced with science & technology. In the case of plants I'm pointing to the replacement of the chemical chlorophyll via artificial means. I guess you didn't know I'm well read in botany and biochemistry (between raising two children and doing brain surgeries on the side).

I'll write the chemical equations of photosynthesis below when I have a chance for you science types (I sometimes misdirect myself off topic magician style).

Oh ya I found the time to write it here. Hope you like it. Probably easier to understand than my description. Contact your neighborhood biochemist who has a doctorate for a breakdown.

In the case of religion I mean our expanding knowledge of the World and the Cosmos helps us to greater understand how things work. Is it time and location which primarily drives what religion we are; Greek gods, Pagan Gods, parents religion, now vs Egyptian times etc.

Technology is also helping us to be less inclined to look to the heavens and pray for replacement limbs, cancer treatments and medicines.

Be thankful to your luck of being born in this day in age, instead of in the past, where the only thing that helps you get through each day is wishful thinking.
Imagine in the old days when having a baby was a death sentence, not getting enough vitamin C falling prey to scurvy.

In the case of Japan I always felt no one read too deeply or serious into religion (except for Aum Shinrikyo who as a normal Doomsday cult is, tried to bring end times with sarin gas on trains). In general, even if someone identified as only one religion they still appeared quite tolerant of other religions.

Even one of our resident Buddhist teachers who was quite a serious laugh had a few chuckles at his own expense.
I recall one-day about -5 C and heavy snow. One of the bad kids, took his clothes off, ran out into the snow and sat in the middle of the courtyard for all the other kids to see.
He chanted ``fake`` Buddhist mantra`s loud while sitting with legs wrapped yoga style, butt naked in the snow. I laughed pretty hard, after I noticed a lot of the kids looking out the windows the Buddhist teacher went out to talk to him. He kept chanting. Finally he carried him inside, butt naked, snow falling everywhere (and probably making melting snow puddles which are a clear danger. There were no SLIPPERY WHEN WET signs).
The Buddhist teacher laughed and asked him what he was doing.
He continued to chant. He walked away without clothes on.
I think he thought everyone was laughing with him, but I thought perhaps they may be laughing at him, as the snow and cold had shrunk his family jewels. He didn't seem overly concerned.

Is this the big gun for last? Well it definitely made me laugh. Hopefully this is funny to you. Snicker snicker.

Neil received a lot of hate including being called anti-Christian. If spreading enthusiasm of his favourite scientist's birth-date is anti-Christian we are in for deeper issues than Mariana's Trench (no not the band!)

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Monday, November 30, 2015

Rise of the ROBOTS!

Intergalactic Planetary Planetary Intergalactic

Another Dimension, Another Dimension!

Robots and dancing! That's a future I like.As a side note the picture says robotto (robot duh) and intergalactic, if you can't read our Robotic language.

I’ve always wondered what’s with the fascination with Robots and Japan.

I guess its part of the futuristic spin we propagate (that's a cool word) about Japan.

A lot of movies are about Robots and the future of tech in Japan.

I wonder if that’s the only reason.

I sometimes wonder if the Robots are based on the people. Docile, quiet and logical (MR.ROBOTO!).

You see I have a theory, which is based on some fact (not as much as heliocentric theory), so maybe its a hypothesis. I like to hypothesize things. Someone give me a pipe and a spectrometer (I actually mean a magnifying glass like Sherlock Holmes, but I'm trying to sound intelligent. Is it working? Probably not.)

Aha! I've got it Watson! Complimentary, complimentary.

Let me explain myself here so you don’t think I’m a riceist (yes that's no spelling mistake). As you may have read in my previous blogposts every student gets the same wrong answer, or the same incorrect pronunciation. Its like their programming is the same.
My hypothesis, based on the little evidence I have, is someone is copying the other or how can everyone come to the same conclusion (I don't have DNA samples {yet!}). The answer is due to everyone having a positronic Robot brain! (positronic is showing as wrong in my spell checker, but I think Issac Asminov created the word so add it to your dictionary, or in this case your positronic brains).

These Robots are built in the same factory, to have the same thinking. Follow the hive commands and do as they are instructed (don't eat the honey!)

Or perhaps................... its the nails in the Robots.

You see in Japan the saying goes that the nail that sticks up gets hammered down, society is conforming you (or maybe contorting you. Like a pretzel!)

In the West, thinking out of the box is welcomed and congratulated, in Japan, thinking out of the box is met with shame and dishonour (which may lead to Seppuku – the act of disembowelment. Its not pretty, not that I've ever seen it, its not the Samurai days anymore). You might get beat back into that box, like a Jack in the box, only you can’t pop out....... ever!

You better follow or you have to do this. If you do I hope with a straw only I hope.

In the West we celebrate our uniqueness, but in Japan, you fall in line and bow to authority, no questions are to be made, the idea is to be the same. Don't break with the movement.
To put it in perspective for you "For one and all!" (like a Mouseketeer or maybe a Musketeer!)

I can tell you from experience even if I didn't stand out based on my physical features white, blond hair, body ape hair, my expressions would give me away. Whilst most people beat around the bush on topics I always to get straight to the point.
Whilst in Japan you are supposed to announce in a sentence when you are changing topics, I just just chane them every minute for amusement and I don't warn them (evil I know mhwhahah).

My friend Linus told me about a lineup in McDonald's onetime. A large line of people waiting for one cashier, but beside her another cashier waiting for someone, anyone to come to her. No one dared to enter the line as it was "outside the box".
Line up and be a Robot or risk disembowelment I guess.

OH SNAP!

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Sunday, October 18, 2015

Along came a Tanuki

Along came a Tanuki?

Tanuki is a strange animal, its translated in English as "raccoon dog". It will probably give you rabies (yes the one that turns you into a zombie. Unless you want to become a zombie. I'm slightly tempted. My brain is half mush anyways).

If you've been to Japan you've probably seen one (not zombies, I mean a Tanuki, probably not alive, no not from zombies.).

The Tanuki statues can be seen everywhere from shops to forests. Its an animal that stands up like a dog on his hind legs. But, you might notice something strange about it.

Let me paint you a picture (with my stroke(s). Sounds perverted I know).
It has huge balls! And I'm not talking about soccer balls. Shizing! (that's my own cool sound effect).
I'm talking huge (and by huge I mean like as big as the blob).

I hope you know the blob (he's a comic book bad guy).

I once asked a Japanese friend what's with the Tanuki's all over the place.

"Oh, wealth and prosperity", he told me nonchalantly.
As if their big balls would bring you everything you wanted, you just need to rub the genie or this case.......the balls? I noticed many hands were attracted there and many a picture taken (I'm envious).

I wonder if I should erect (yeah I did say erect) one in Canada (by the way erect is synonymous with balls so snap a word match!).
No holding back around here (mofo's).

Wealth and prosperity only? Well that's not all I was thinking, more something he has that's visible from a mile away. Maybe his prosperity isn't based on moola/ money (if you know what I mean. Ba boom!). That means its love based for a breakdown of my ba boom for you innocent unicorn loving folks.

Dude, you got a Tanuki tattoo? Its OK maybe it will rub off, its only permanent. Having large balls on your arm equals very cool.

It occurred to me that the word "kintama" in Japanese means testicles, but more literally translated as "Golden balls", and as a sidenote, "YOU gotta catch them all!"
Although that sounds painful (unless you're neurotic, it might be enjoyable. Look that big word up! I spent 4 years at Uni to learn that word).

I also say that "Catch them all" phrase as a word play on Dragon Ball Z (2nd wordplay now, yeah I'm tallying). If you have no idea what I'm talking about you aren't the manga/ anime nerd I hoped you were (Not to worry there's still time).

This is funny if you know Dragon Ball Z & a double play on recent news. I'm killing it with wordplay (3rd time!).

Supposedly, Tanuki play into Japanese stories/lore about being sneaky/ sly (mostly interchangeable with a fox, but that's a side deviance). Due to their biological advantage of having large testicles (I'm envious) metal workers enjoyed them for metal work.
Am I saying all metal workers have small testicles? No!
Why then you ask? (even if you didn't ask I'm telling you).
The story goes that gold could be hammered within a Tanuki's testicles to flatten it most efficiently. Since it was soft and didn't break (stretches nicely) it was a great material to use. I hope not while alive (I'm not envious of that part).

I hope you enjoyed your lesson today about Tanuki's, large balls and wordplay.

I'm going for the gold with one more wordplay coming.

I think my necrosis is making an appearance again so I have to go (not to be confused with necrophilia. Although I dabble in necromancy occasionally, like raising the living dead etc, zombies and the such.)

Snap!

Don't miss the picture and caption below.

This Tanuki has big balls (expression) but to attempt the feat to Mordor, I eulogize him (not euthanize him. Technically I could). The future is in his hands for all of Middle Earth!

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Saturday, September 26, 2015

Once upon a CRIME

Oh snap! A crime you say? What could it be?

I wanted to recant the tale I enjoyed with of one of my Brazilian acquaintances. I don't want to say friend, because he wasn't my friend, and I had a strange inkling (feeling) he might kill me.

Just to give some backstory, there are many Brazilians in Japan (majority of Japanese decent). In the old racist days (its still a racist for some people), Canada and the USA had a white only policy unless you had big bucks. But Brazil had lots of land to farm and fish to cook (or catch), whatever sounds more fairly-tale like.

Anywho...
Many Japanese went to Brazil and their ancestors (not that long ago), became Japanese Brazilians. Many lost their language and culture (then came the ORCISH HORDES TO OBLITERATE the heathen. WAIT that might be WARCRAFT, just ignore that part).

Now Japan needs workers to do factory work and a declining population to sustain those jobs so they looked to the people that might fit well back into their society (people of Japanese decent are good idea they thought).

There were many Brazilians I met from all walks of life in Japan. Many of the students I got along with fabulously, as we were all in the same boat and sinking together in Japan (language, culture, food whatever).

I did meet a few rougher around the edge Brazilians. One was a muscular guy that did Tae Kwon Doe his name was Akira. His name was like the famous anime. If you don't know it its called AKIRA (you guess it right the name of the movie is the same as the lead characters name, coincidence?)
I felt like he was the kind of leader of a gang with gold chains and sweatpants. His track style jacket blew in the wind and his thick hair moved slightly in the wind (due to gel I think, but just as well could have been blood splatter).

Like this bike for the movie AKIRA, but this guy isn't half as cool.

As I probably mentioned in a previously blog story, one day I was walking and he pulled up in a car. It was odd, because I didn't know he had a car (I saw him on a bike before), and two he was in my neck of the woods. He asked me if I wanted a ride (not really I thought). "Sure", I answered. Dumb.....

Hopefully he won't kill me whilst driving. Either with a knife or the car.

As we started to drive he turned his music up (Brazilian rap), no doubt saying F the Canadians!
I told him nice car. He said "I stole it". I considered jumping out while it was moving, but thought he'd win and get his way by killing me.

"Umm is it a joke?", I asked.

I should have realized, it would be like this.

He didn't answer.
I had a vision of me driving down the street and getting stopped by the police. Them looking at me and asking why a nice rule abiding citizen driving around with a car thief.
Then I popped back to reality (Whoops there goes gravity. That's an Eminem line fyi, if you aren't a hipster like me).
We drove by the police station (police box in Japan) at a high speed. If that won't get their attention I wasn't sure what would.
He drove across town to a building I'd never seen. He stopped. A few thugs got out speaking in Portuguese. I wasn't sure if they were saying if they wanted to say hello or wanted to F me up.
I tried my only Portuguese I knew, "GOOD MORNING! BONJIA!" They smiled. I figured if there was an attempt to f me up at this point I was going to repeat good morning until it stopped.
Some smiles all around. Talking of which I didn't understand one word. I was in the hood, in Japan. And there were no Japanese.

I picked up my phone like the actor I am (a crappy one), "Umm Akira, my girlfriend asked me to come home for dinner". He looked at me, "Its 4PM.".

Sh%t.

"She likes to eat early and she's very strict with me", I said.
The strict part is true.

He took me back. He seemed to want to dance in the car on the way back with the song (we didn't have Taylor Swift back then). I did a little Bollywood music video dance, and he laughed.
I didn't get killed, maybe due to that dance.

He asked me where I lived. Sh%t.

"Uhhh near a rice field", hoping to be as vague as possible..

"Ya but you are in a hurry, where? I drive you home", he said.

"No its all good, where you picked me up, I'll run home for exercise".

I got out and ran for the hills (in this case the rice fields).

A few weeks later I was at the judo club and saw someone who knew him. "Hey I heard you went on a joyride in Akira's car".

The rumor was out I guess.

"Ya I did", I responded.

"Did you know the car was full of drugs?", he said.
I laughed, he laughed too.

I hoped it was a joke but I didn't want to confirm either way.
I'm fairly sure it was a joke, but I don't want to wager any bet on it.

I wasn't entirely confident so I didn't put a wager on it.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

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http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

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http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

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Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Bragger's Never Prosper

Bragger's Never Prosper!

Its definitely a cultural thing to brag.

In the US and Canada if you are good at something (or have something) its OK to tell others.
"I'm good at basketball. I'm good at cooking. I'm good at math".
Or maybe, "Look at my car! Look at my watch! Look at my genitals! (Well, hopefully not)".
Unless you are blessed to be elephant sized. And some of us are.

As the expression goes,
"If the shoe fits wear it".

Try this on your lover, maybe they laugh, maybe they kill you.

In Japan its opposite world (like Bizzaro in Superman. Bizzaro is Superman, but an evil mirror copy).
You should always.... I repeat always, play down what you are good at (or have, such as elephant sized genitals).

If someone asks do you speak Japanese? You should answer "a little".
Are you 7 feet tall? You should answer "just pushing 5 feet".
Are your genitals elephant sized? You should answer, "no, like a mouse".

That one is the exception to brag about.

Even though I knew this, I didn't understand slang completely and that was part of the problem.

I become obsessed with Judo groundwork. You know, rolling around sweaty, doing chokes, armlocks and other fun things (that doesn't sound quite right).
In Japan this is known as NEWAZA. I thought it only meant ground work. But it also means sleeping skills, as in "bed skills".

I started to brag about how good I was, not realizing I'm going on and on about my bed skills (when in reality they are clean and church-like).
When I first met someone the conversation often started off on the wrong foot (cause the maybe the shoe didn't fit as my joke above went. Funny? Yeah it is!).

After the normal pleasantries we'd get deeper into discussion.
"What do you do for hobbies?", I'd be asked.
"I'm really into bed skills (ground), quite rough, really sweaty, long periods. I'm getting better with practice".

Everyone seemed dumbfounded. Most would respond "You understand our language well."
Little did I know I was an idiot and telling them about my sex life (whoops!).

This happened quite often until after a year about doing this a friend told me.
"Normally you shouldn't brag about that stuff, I know you are a foreigner (and I forgive you <for being a demon sent from hell>), but you might want to change your approach at introductions."

I still didn't really get it.

Finally a Japanese lady I met who had studied abroad told me in English, "You are very forward aren't you?"(and you are also a demon sent from hell).
Am I? I thought to myself.

She let me know that newaza had two meanings, but the context I'm using it (without explaining Judo and sports) has only one meaning and I'm coming off as a pervert (probably not something new as well).

I realized my error.

At that point I realized how funny it had been so told everyone the story of my mistake and stupidity (again as I've said many times very common in my life). Most people enjoyed the story.

If I was meeting was for the first time I continued to go on about my bed skills for amusements sake to see their reaction. I considered throwing in a few comments about elephant sized genitals.

After returning to Canada whenever someone asked me if I was good at anything I'd play it down.
"No, only a little".

Do you speak Japanese ? "Yes, a few words".

I realized that the only thing I shouldn't play down was my stupidity.
"Are you an idiot?"
I realized I should answer,"Yes 100%".

LOL, its true. I saw a movie about the future.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)