Chikan those Damn Molesters!

Umm OK so the title is a bit awkward but its an ode to the truth.
Most people don't enjoy being molested / groped (I should say most. That sh%t isn't funny and its largely women who are the targets. You've probably seen it in the news recently).
I should say as its primarily men that are the predators, they deserve a taste of their own medicine in the worst way possible (stick it to the man you might say).

Well this is my experience sprinkled with a healthy dose of BS.
Enjoy!

I've come on the right train! Oh, maybe not.  

Before I had been to Japan I learned the word "Chikan". The combination of two Chinese characters meaning stupid man. Incase you didn't know it references how men generally are to women, stupid.
But the actual usage the word means groper or molester. Something you do not want to be called (and no I don't know from experience).

My teacher (a large white guy that had lived in Japan) had taught me the word in High School Japanese class. He informed me they even have books on how to do it, and he wanted one. Amazing I thought, oneday I should buy two of those (as a memento of a fu#cked up culture, NOT SO I could learn how to. Joke. I ALREADY KNOW! HA, kidding......). And the other book for that white guy Japanese teacher.

Anyways in Japan there are signs that say CHIKAN are criminals. As you can imagine normally you report a criminal.... in Japan this sort of crime, a bit hit and miss. I'm not sure if the older generation are too shy, or just accept it as something that happens (so don't make a big fuss). Sounds like the next generation is becoming less tolerant. I had a few students that told me if an old man even looks at them strange they yell and make a scene. Maybe things are changing.
I can't imagine anyone in Canada having the same problem. If someone yells "That dude just touched me" I suspect most people would help. And then as Russell Peters always says "someone gonna get a hurtin real bad". If you don't know what that means, you need to YouTube him, Funny guy (and no he isn't paying me to endorse him, unless he's reading this, then throw me some cash man, I'm wasting my time blogging).

I did have an attractive female Japanese friend who grew up in Canada and she carried a fork on return trips to Japan. I asked her what was with the fork and she said to stab the hands of chikan. LOL. They say violence isn't always the answer, but sometimes it is. Especially to those mofo's. Always look at a man's hands for forks marks, then you know what they do in their spare time.

My wife told me a story one time (she's not Japanese but she blends in with her Chinese Canadian looks). A chikan came after her so she walked away, instead of making a scene. How Japanese like.
She was pretty vague about it, but I had a feeling she didn't want me to go on a chikan hunt for him. I also planned to ask him to autograph the "how to book" whilst doing a citizens arrest (cause that's the way I roll).
With the autograph perhaps the value might sky rocket (to the Moon and back, just like Apollo 13. Fyi this is a funny joke for the highly space literate, or if you enjoy Tom Hanks movies).

The trains, especially during rush hour, are the best option to use the technique (this is not advice this is a fact, so don't get me wrong). Its like that movie "IDLE Hands" where the guy has a demon possessed hand that does what it wants and its detached. In this case though the hand's aren't detached (unless someone brings a really sharp fork), but they are most likely demon possessed (the person's brain as well, hence "stupid man").

Hmm, I might need some help figuring this one out. Assistance Vanna White?

The best trick is to pretend to read a newspaper and then let hands wander.
If its packed enough you don't even see where the hand is from like in my case. I recall onetime whilst being on a train in Tokyo during rush hour. I couldn't move and my legs were slightly apart due to my backpack between my feet.
I felt someone tickle my privates (WAIT what the fridge is going on!) I contemplated what kind of lady would do this. It was more than distracting. I repeated in my head what kind of a lady would do this.
Then I saw the hand as it reached higher, it looked like hair on it. I've never seen an Asian female with hair all over the back of the hand. This might be a gorilla OR...  !!!!!!!

WAIT A SECOND! This might not be a female it occurred to me. I did my best to move, so I could get away or tell the person to F off, but I couldn't move. Its like being stuck in a sardine can and you can't move. I mouthed F$%# off in English, but the person didn't comprehend it. I then said something like "I'm going to kill you" in Japanese. But the guy infront of me thought I meant him. He bowed his head down as if physically hurt. Unless my rage caused my telekinesis to start working again (you know move sh%t with your brain).

The hand slowly inched away, so whoever it was, got the message. I have a feeling that my rage while not unique to men, less about being hurt and more about hurting back, I wanted revenge.

If I had a fork it would have been a happy ending for me, stabbing his fingers. Turn his hand into Swiss Cheese. As I'm not a female I'm unsure how to say what its like but I imagine worse.

As I got off the train I looked as many people up and down as I could trying to determine who had gone for the gold. I couldn't figure out a suspect (it was slightly more complicated than Einstein's General Theory of Relativity which as I suspect you already know. My short explanation is that time Gravity warps space time and affects the bending of space time by gravitational attraction . I'd give a more thorough explanation, but I'm quite busy at the moment trying to unwind the double helix.)

I should mention that they are a few cars on the train or certain times when there are women only. Its written in English and in Japanese so there is no confusion. 

I know my father in law onetime got in one and wondered why so many women. LOL.

Since he looks Asian they must have thought the worst and hence avoided him like the black plague (its not that contagious don't worry about it).

If it says women only and you are not a women, DON'T GET ON! Unless you want to be murdered by forks!

Anyways regardless if its women only there are always going to be some perverts out there, as in my case, women only train wouldn't have helped. There are always "stupid men", perverts, molesters "chikan" around to get someone.

I hate you, but I also want your autograph for that book for market value gains.

Ain't dat the TRUTH! AMEN!

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Gluten & Glutton Conundrums

This is a short story (or should I say sh*t story) about me that my friend reminded me of, and I thought was slightly entertaining.

This is my life. Seems kind of funny till it happens!

I had a lot of bowel issues in Japan. It wasn't unique to Japan, but it definitely occurred quite often there. I'm not entirely sure what caused it so often, but it made for some pretty awkward situations. 
I remember more than once jumping off trains running for bathrooms, I found out near the end of my 3 years that some trains often had one toilet on the first car. Who knew! Would have been nice if someone had told me.

While most people would have 1 to 2 bowel movements a day, I was pushing 15-20. This is not a joke or exaggeration by any means, but it is kind of funny.

Toilet paper was costing me a fortune. I considered going to McDonald’s and grabbing 600 napkins. And by grabbing 600, I meant per day, not per month. As for costing a fortune, I did not buy the premium HELLO KITTY versions if you are wondering. I hoped some weird people didn't like HELLO KITTY so much they would use it then hang it to dry (slightly stained).

I didn't really like the napkins at McDonald’s or at most restaurants in Japan. They didn't have the ability to absorb a liquid like the ones in Canada do. They felt like they had 50% plastic in them. I’d rub ketchup on my lips and it would just spread over my face (not absorbent at all). Some people have just thought I was involved in a crime. Perhaps not useful for bowel movements I quandaried, yes quandaried! (that's an amazing word, that essentially means wondered in this case. Hopefully the past form of the verb is correct).

Anyways, I didn't know what my issue was, but curry, beer and other gluten type things (and gluttony as well if you get the joke, caused me issues).

I sometimes hoped I would get the LSD one.

I remember one time being late for a meeting in the provincial capital (called Otsu if you care). We were one stop away, but I knew I wouldn't make it. I remembered the next stop didn't have a toilet anyway so I was in big trouble. I clenched.

I told my friends I was going to get off one stop before the final destination (not like in the Final Destination movie I hope). I had to think of an excuse why, I told them because I needed a walk. They said its a 20 minute walk and we were already late. A good point they had. I need some exercise, so don't worry about it.

Got off the train and ran into another friend, he asked me why I was in such a rush. I told him I had to go to the toilet, he said he’d wait. I told him don’t wait it might be a while (as a non so subtle hint). Got to the toilet, no toilet paper. I didn't bring any (as I should have. Always need to be prepared). For the first time in my life I used a toilet paper dispensing machine and paid the $1 for 10 tiny tissues. It was a disaster, I should have bought more. I looked through my bag, hoping for something. I found some regular notepad paper, but it was hard. I considered chewing on it then spitting it out in hopes of softening it up. Seemed like a great idea. The taste of paper is not good though, its like inky and chemical tasting. I wondered (or should I say "quandaried" if my tongue would be blue from the ink).

I found a few McDonald’s napkins on the bottom of my bag. Not great, but better than nothing I thought.

Terrible idea. I was correct about the absorbency factor. More of a spreader, like a knife spreading peanut butter on toast (but not sharp and doesn't taste like peanut butter). I didn't try the taste fyi.

Oh no girl! No you didn't!

The prelude to the story that is soon to follow I should mention my friend was convinced I had some sort of gluten allergy, but once home in Canada, they claimed negative for everything and decided it must be IBS (irritable bowel syndrome).  I was irritated that it was irritable and left it at that.

Here’s my friend’s short story referring to me I wanted to throw in to close. Its written in first person.

Almost every time we would go out for food or drinks, from the curry restaurant to the bar, he would get the sh*ts.  One time we met him and his girlfriend at the bar after they had gone to a big dinner.  He said, "Hey guys! I ate this crab sushi and I think it gave me the sh#ts!"

"Dude, that's pretty gross.", I responded

"I know, but it was good so I ate more of it. Oh, I gotta go!" he grimaced and made a mad dash for the toilet.

I hope this blogpost wasn't too sh*tty for you. Ha.

Black is always safer.


Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Train Etiquette and Such

Train Etiquette and Such

You can say that again. I did see some foreigners do this (maybe me too. Little secret!)

You know there are a lot of rules on the train in Japan. Most of them involve behind considerate of others. But let’s get serious, we know foreigners are not going to be considerate and to top it off they are going to walk all over the rules and feign ignorance. I know cause I did it.
I found out a lot of the rules were even written in English. And amazingly most of them I could actually read and make sense of. The odd didn't, but this isn't about that.

A few common rules across any train company.

1) Don’t molest women (That’s probably pretty standard in Japan, in North America we don’t write that one cause its already understood by all, or you go to jail. Not in Japan I guess).
2) Don’t use your cellphone on the train. There are two reasons for this, one most of the signs claim that people who using pacemakers will suddenly keel over dead. If this was the case I think this would be a rule everywhere on the planet. But who knows, I'm no doctor (but I can perform brain surgery if you give me the chance!)
I don’t doubt holding a cellphone directly to your chest at the pacemaker is good, but I would think the people who are using it wouldn't get that close and rub them up (unless they are breaking rule 1 about molesting. I know I did. Kidding!).
The other reason has to do with noise, its an intrusion and burden to everyone else.They can’t escape your phone call and don’t want to hear about your story about feeding your pet chihuahua.
3) Give your seats to the elderly and needy such as pregnant women. For all the people that are kind in Japan, I found this rule to be broken left and right, I noticed the young people who would be wide awake would suddenly close their eyes at a stop when old people got on, then wait till the train started again to open their eyes. Note taken. I'm going to try that next trip.

I was always stressed about sitting around other gaijin (foreigners). I knew very well we were going to be the loudest on the train and everyone around us water to murder us.
One night when my girlfriend, Anthony (infamous from my other stories) and I were coming back on the train we got talked to by a random man. We were our typical selves, laughing saying stupid things and being loud. Anthony was telling some story and this Japanese guy (very nerdy looking) was sweaty heavily and staring directly at us. Finally he said "Shizuka ni shite kuremasu ka?" Can you be quiet for me. Anthony didn't know what he was saying so he continued his story and the guy said it in a higher voice like he was ready to snap. I thought it was funny and giggled, but I told Anthony he wanted us to shut up or he said he would kill us (which he didn't say). We tried to be a little quieter, I looked at the guys face and it looked like he really did want to kill us.
I think he had enough and walked to the next train car, even though I thought we had brought our volume down, apparently not.
I recall one time standing on a train with a bunch of Americans, one guy kept saying the girl standing beside him was super hot and she wanted him. I considered telling him you should be careful of what you say you never know who speaks English or who is even Japanese.
After he went on and on about how he should ask her on a date and for sure she would say yes, she turned directly to us and said “Thanks assh%#les. Enjoy Japan”.
I laughed. He was still convinced she wanted him. I told him he was right, but I lied.
He wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed as they say.

For a while I thought this was a rule. BUST UP!? , wow they are strict. Its actually an advert.
A good one at that.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from my blog
 http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva 

Disillusionment Road: The Road to Sucksville

After a long day and then night in Kyoto I decided to head home.
As you recall from my other thirty blogposts I lived in a prefecture beside Kyoto, called Shiga.
Everyone knows Kyoto. Its one of the main cities in Japan, full of temples, shrines and Geisha (not prostitutes fyi and its pronounced GAY SHAH).

Kyoto, the city of awesome. If only I lived there instead of mosquito laced rice fields.

The capital of my prefecture was only fifteen minutes away by train, but unfortunately for me, I lived on the opposite side of the prefecture in the most countryside area possible ( just mosquitoes and rice fields).
This means if I wanted to get home I had to get the last train which went around 11PM from Kyoto to take these tacky subway lines to get to the main JR National train line.
Now, I may or may not have been drinking that night. If it incriminates me in anyway lets say I wasn't (but I was).
So my math may have been a bit off. I thought OK its 11:15 PM now, so I should be able to make it. Since I had worked it out onetime that the latest I could ever leave was 11PM while sober, I was probably making the wrong decision. This seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life.
I fell asleep on the train (that's what alcohol does to people, although I may not have been drinking remember). I heard an announcement in Japanese stating that this was the last stop for the night. I was like perfect I'm home. My stop happened to be the last stop on the line for two years. My third year they extended the railway line and I got screwed over a few times (maybe other blog story?).
To my dismay I had arrived in Maibara city. The characters of Maibara means "rice fields" and that's all it is. Its the middle of nothing, its total sucksville! The only thing significant at all about it is that it is the only stop for some shikansen "bullet trains" in Shiga prefecture. In a nutshell, it sucks.
I guess this last train was only to Maibara for people wanting to take the bullet train.

Welcome to Maibara the station in the middle of rice fields, or as I call it, the place of suck.

So I had arrived at a place that sucks at 1215AM. I checked the list of trains. Everything had stopped except a bullet train to Tokyo. Hmmm.... might be fun I thought. Nah, I want to get home.
I had driven it a few times and it wasn't that far, only about 20 minutes by car. By foot shouldn't be that much different.
I looked at the train line map. Its only six stops I thought. How far could it be to walk? Surely not far.
Stupidity seemed to be my motto that day (and perhaps one might say other days as well).
It was a hell of a lot farther than expected.
Well that would be an understatement. To be precise let me tell u what googlemaps says. It quotes the walk as 8.5 km. 8.5 km doesn't seem like much but in the dark, trying to follow a train track, but let me assure you its very far.
Not to mention the inability to walk in a straight line (as I may or may not have been drinking).
I considered taking a taxi but the last time I did that that we had missed the last train and split the cost between four people. It was about $50.
I started my walk. My muscles were pretty sore and I hadn't had a drink since Kyoto (maybe). All the street lights seemed to stop as I got to the outskirts of town. I tried to use my cellphone as a flashlight, but it sucked.
I saw a few fireflies but the light they emitted was useless.
I'll never understand why in movies they make them seem like they can light up the dark path and you don't need flashlights, its all fantasy.
I followed the track as best I could, since I knew the track would reach a place near my house at some point.
I figured since its the last train, I'll only need to watch out for super high speed trains like the bullet train. I can just dodge them if they come (I am half Ninja afterall). I remembered reading something about the train tracks being electrified. I did my best not to stand on the track but beside it. I wondered if I should lay some pennies on the track to see them get flattened. That's always fun, at least when you are five years old. Or better yet, stick my ear to the track to hear when the next train is coming. But I worried I might sleep while I'm down there.
Two hours past and the train track seemed to vanish from view. I decided to stick to the roads.
I think I may have walked in circle for a bit. My girlfriend asked me where I was. I was honest, I told her I didn't know. For once it was no lie.
I started to run cause I thought it was getting a bit ridiculous at this point. I stopped seeing cars for a while. I wondered if no one drives at 230 AM or I had just gone the wrong way.
After three and one half hours I arrived home. My legs were sore as hell and I was covered in sweat from running.
I checked Googlemaps. It claimed the trip should only take 20 minutes by car or just under two hours walking. F! I must have walked in circles or something since that was over 2 hours.
I regretted not just paying the $50 for the taxi.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva