Four Weddings and a Funeral Minus Three Weddings

Four Weddings and a Funeral Minus Three Weddings

Wow, how to be classy. I didn't do that. Mine was probably worse.

I've never been good at math plus the title "Four Weddings and a Funeral" seemed catchy. The problem being, there was only one wedding not four, but ah, just a few numbers off. 
I think there was a movie title like that with Hugh Grant.

Anywho..

I did go to a wedding and a funeral in Japan. Both were a little strict. I always think of weddings as a blast, but Japanese Shinto ones are a little overly dramatic and you need to follow rules.
You have to say certain things which I don't recall (and I just mumbled ra ra ra a few times), since I didn't understand. You are also supposed to drink sake from a plate at a set time but I misunderstood and drank it as soon as I saw it (bad luck x 1000 for the couple maybe?). Whoops!

Traditional Snowmen funeral. Bucket and all. Shinto is similar, in the fact they both like the colour white.

The funeral was similar except it was a Buddhist funeral and I messed up majorly, so I was laughing during the funeral procession. We were supposed to light incense and put it in this kind of sand area, but mine got too hot so I put it on the wood table and it started to smoke the wood. Luckily they blamed it on my foreign "Gaijin-ness" when in fact it was because I'm an idiot.

I should have tried this at the traditional Shinto wedding, but with sake.

Incidentally I confused the Japanese character for my honourable condolences, to congrats on your honourable wedding. The Japanese/ Chinese character for honourable is the same, and I didn't recognize the other two, so I figured they were interchangeable.
Someone mentioned you can buy this special envelope at any grocery store, so I figured what the hell (what the hay for you younger people) why not buy one there. The same person mentioned you are supposed to put money inside of it. I found out later the quality of the bill matters as well. If you are congratulating someone you must ensure its a new bill crisp and flat. If its for a funeral you have to give an old crumpled ratty tat tat bill (aka heavily used). Who knew?
Naturally at the funeral I gave the wrong bill, a brand new crisp bill indicating they last forever (which might mean they will stay a hungry ghost?). Whoops!

As I handed him the envelope he gave me a strange look, as if shocked. He had seen the wrong characters I guess. 
I had forgotten the set phrase I was supposed to say to him so I decided to say something that sounded somewhat similar "I hope you get through your sickness, it won't last forever." Smooth recovery I thought. 
Or maybe not.

I'm sure for him this was a WTF moment. First, this stupid foreigner comes to his families funeral. He nearly burns down the ancient Buddhist temple, he gives an envelope with a small amount of money (that may have been another issue too) and to top it off he tells me to get over a sickness I don't even have. On top of that, he gets a bonus surprise when he finds a brand new crisp bill in as a reward for the death in the family and an everlasting ghost. Whoops!

I'm lucky I didn't get a slap or had my own funeral. 
He did his cordial and 100% fake thank you and I walked away.

I suspect he has a voodoo doll of me that he is poking everynight. My joints have been aching recently, which would explain it.

Hey a little to the left, my shoulder needs some relief. No more needles in the eye kindly.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Train Etiquette and Such

Train Etiquette and Such

You can say that again. I did see some foreigners do this (maybe me too. Little secret!)

You know there are a lot of rules on the train in Japan. Most of them involve behind considerate of others. But let’s get serious, we know foreigners are not going to be considerate and to top it off they are going to walk all over the rules and feign ignorance. I know cause I did it.
I found out a lot of the rules were even written in English. And amazingly most of them I could actually read and make sense of. The odd didn't, but this isn't about that.

A few common rules across any train company.

1) Don’t molest women (That’s probably pretty standard in Japan, in North America we don’t write that one cause its already understood by all, or you go to jail. Not in Japan I guess).
2) Don’t use your cellphone on the train. There are two reasons for this, one most of the signs claim that people who using pacemakers will suddenly keel over dead. If this was the case I think this would be a rule everywhere on the planet. But who knows, I'm no doctor (but I can perform brain surgery if you give me the chance!)
I don’t doubt holding a cellphone directly to your chest at the pacemaker is good, but I would think the people who are using it wouldn't get that close and rub them up (unless they are breaking rule 1 about molesting. I know I did. Kidding!).
The other reason has to do with noise, its an intrusion and burden to everyone else.They can’t escape your phone call and don’t want to hear about your story about feeding your pet chihuahua.
3) Give your seats to the elderly and needy such as pregnant women. For all the people that are kind in Japan, I found this rule to be broken left and right, I noticed the young people who would be wide awake would suddenly close their eyes at a stop when old people got on, then wait till the train started again to open their eyes. Note taken. I'm going to try that next trip.

I was always stressed about sitting around other gaijin (foreigners). I knew very well we were going to be the loudest on the train and everyone around us water to murder us.
One night when my girlfriend, Anthony (infamous from my other stories) and I were coming back on the train we got talked to by a random man. We were our typical selves, laughing saying stupid things and being loud. Anthony was telling some story and this Japanese guy (very nerdy looking) was sweaty heavily and staring directly at us. Finally he said "Shizuka ni shite kuremasu ka?" Can you be quiet for me. Anthony didn't know what he was saying so he continued his story and the guy said it in a higher voice like he was ready to snap. I thought it was funny and giggled, but I told Anthony he wanted us to shut up or he said he would kill us (which he didn't say). We tried to be a little quieter, I looked at the guys face and it looked like he really did want to kill us.
I think he had enough and walked to the next train car, even though I thought we had brought our volume down, apparently not.
I recall one time standing on a train with a bunch of Americans, one guy kept saying the girl standing beside him was super hot and she wanted him. I considered telling him you should be careful of what you say you never know who speaks English or who is even Japanese.
After he went on and on about how he should ask her on a date and for sure she would say yes, she turned directly to us and said “Thanks assh%#les. Enjoy Japan”.
I laughed. He was still convinced she wanted him. I told him he was right, but I lied.
He wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed as they say.

For a while I thought this was a rule. BUST UP!? , wow they are strict. Its actually an advert.
A good one at that.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from my blog
 http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva 

Rockin a Granny Bike Ain't Cool

Rockin a Granny Bike Ain't Cool

I wish I could have done that. Instead I kept my head down in embarrassment.

Rocking a granny bike under any conditions is not cool. I can assure you because I did it for three years. I don’t recall ever seeing anyone not under the age of 40 using one back in Canada. That being said about it not being cool, well the basket part on the front part is very useful. I carried just about everything in it. Groceries, jerry cans of petrol, laptops (even desktops), children (well maybe not that). I think in China they carry children and dogs in it, usually together.
In Asia and in my case, Japan. Everyone with an arm and a leg rocks a granny bike. Yes its very uncool, but they don’t look at it that way. They see is as a convenience machine. Little work and big payoff. For small roads its very trustworthy (unless there are large ditches and you drink).

Rocking a granny bike under any conditions is not cool. I can assure you because I did it for three years. I felt like the Wicked Witch of the West. Only not as cool.

My school assigned me a super rusty granny bike to get around. I thanked them, but thought, I hope I can get rid of this ASAP and get something better. My wish came true when one of my Australian friends left after a year. I rocked that new Wicked Witch of the West bike for one full year (my pretties). His bike was a little more manly than the one I had and newer. The tires were bigger and the basket didn't bend and break when I put stuff in it. Plus it wasn't rusty, which was sweet. Half decent, kind of.
All bikes in Japan come with a built in lock system. Its a tiny little key that pops out and prevents the bike from moving, if you leave it in, or lose the key. You are toast though. I occasionally forget it in.
I had also bought a trusty lock from the dollar store. I figured it’d be like be murder she wrote, only I wrote it and no murder involved (this time). I had double locks so on top of having a somewhat cooler but still granny bike, I figured no one would try and steal it. I thought wrong.
There is a saying about Japan. That Japanese are very honest except for when it comes to two items “bicycles and umbrellas”. They go missing like you wouldn't believe. More than once I contemplated informing the local police station “MY DOLLAR STORE UMBRELLA IS MISSING AGAIN I NEED IMMEDIATE ACTION”. I also considered calling the SDF (Self Defense Force) in the name of my missing umbrella. My other friend just grabbed someone else's nicer umbrella in retaliation.
One night I locked my bike near a Heiwado Department Store. The sign said “Don’t lock your bike here”. I ignored the sign and parked my bike (a bit of a rebel you could say). I figured with the double lock what’s the worse that could happen.
I didn't come back till the next day. To my astonishment all the other bikes that were around mine were still there except for mine. It occurred to me, I should have brought the rusty bike the school had lent me so they wouldn't have zeroed in on a somewhat cooler non rusty granny bike. I just lost my Mustang. I could no longer go from zero to hero, I was now going from 0mph - 2mph in under one minute with a rusty "Creek, creek, creek" sound.
I rocked the rusty blue piece of crap for the remaining two years.

Don't worry if you fall your helmet will protect you. Oh wait, no helmet. Uhhhh...

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva