Feces At Karaoke

Feces at Karaoke

I may have mentioned before I was a student in Japan before being an English teacher.

I was on a program with students from all over the world, with different personalities. Some good, some not so good (mine’s good though).

Ha, I like.

One time we had a school trip to Shikoku Island (the kind of small one South of Kansai (Western Japan).
The students at a local University were hosting us and letting us stay at their place.

They all lived by themselves in super small apartments. For some reason or other my host didn’t have a proper heater and it was super cold. I tried wearing my socks, but someone told me its bad for circulation, so I took them off. That was all that came off (replace off with out, also OK) that night, I wish I had a female host to keep me warm. Joke, joke!

While sleeping my feet started to get warm and I started to giggle a few times as if someone was tickling the bottom of my feet. In the morning the Hawaiian guy who was sleeping with his head at my feet, was like “How was your sleep sweetheart? Mine would have been nice if you didn't keep sticking your stinky toes in my mouth. I tried to swat them away and I heard you laughing like a little girl”.  Sounded about right.

On the plus side I no longer needed a shower as his mouth and tongue had cleaned (cleansed) the sweat from my feet (as well as the lint). Bonus!

On our second night we went to a restaurant that was all you can drink. I imagine the restaurant had never seen such big foreigners ready to stir up some shi%t. It would have been fine if only the people who can handle their alcohol drank, but some of the nerdy types took it upon themselves to feel like they were a member of the in crew and couldn't handle their liquor (not me though for once).

We continued at karaoke and everyone kept drinking. I was doing pretty well and having a merry old time. When one of the guys threw up, one guy (a bigger American named Matt) helped him to the bathroom.

That drunk individual apparently decided it was a good time to go to the bathroom (no not a number one) while barely able to stand. Thirty minutes passed and he didn't come out.

The bigger guy who helped him went back to check on him. He jumped over the stall (yes not under). Would have been great to see. He found the individual slumped over passed out. He helped him stand up and asked another American guy to help carry him out. They both told me later they thought they smelled manure (feces). And continued to take him out.

Most people were thinking this guy was in bad shape and should be cut off his alcohol.

The smell of manure entered my nose from across the room. A poignant (big word for powerful) smell.

That's what the pit toilet probably said to him. No face on it though.

The individual started blabbering about aliens so I knew it was time to take him home. As he walked he was pushing things over, barely able to stand. Finally was we were walking down an alley he walked into a big karaoke sign (with flashing lights on it). The lights broke and the damage seemed extensive (oh shiz. I considered running). One of the Japanese students entered the karaoke place and told them the sign was broken. $750 to buy a new one they said. I was not aware until after the trip that the Japanese students went ahead and paid (Brutal. But very thoughtful). I think we should have blamed it on someone else myself. Something along the lines of “I saw an alien down the road that did it!”. This alludes to the fact the drunk guy mentioned aliens if you forgot that part already. If I have to explain it here its probably not as funny. If you are as astute as Sherlock Holmes you probably remember.

As we were walking the individual brushed by me, another American told me “Dude I think I see fecal stains on his clothes, watch out and don’t touch his clothes”. I looked.

I now understood where the smell had come from. He must have gone poopie on the floor then fell into it. When the two guys helped him they were probably getting covered with it.

The next day we were sitting on the bus and everyone was complaining it smelt like feces.

I don’t know if the individual forgot or had no other clothes, but he had not changed. I pitied his girlfriend sitting beside him. In addition to him smelling, he had a hangover and could throw up on her at anytime. Been there done that, never good. Not the feces part though (yet).

As we got off the bus, there was a bottle neck and I got pushed from behind (maybe on purpose, if yes then F you). As I was about to hit the individual and have dried feces enter my mouth the same guy who stopped me yesterday grabbed me and pulled me back.

He said “Dude you have to be more careful, I saved you again, do you have a death wish and want to be covered with crap?”.

Good question Watson (another Sherlock Holmes joke). I think not!

I later heard someone on the bus ask him what cologne he was wearing and then another guy responded, “Must be a real crap one”.

Ha! People are mean, but highly entertaining.

I bet he wishes it was a dream. Oh wait, he'd still do it.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Food Poisoning by Special Students

Food Poisoning by Special Students 

Anko and Unko
Similar words very different meanings.

I used to love my special needs students. At first, the main English teacher would go to class himself. Then, he introduced us and said we could team teach with him. That seemed good. At that time there were three special need students. They seemed to lack emotion sometimes but on the opposite end of the scale were very extreme other days. Very angry or upset. And I wasn't sure what their level of communication was in general, let alone their English when I first went to the classes.
Instead of team teaching it became alone teaching, as in just me. It would have been OK if there was someone there to discipline them, but I'm a little soft and I didn't want to upset them (in their fragile state).
One girl liked to scratch her nails on the board. I asked her to stop in English. Other-times while teaching them something, she would repeat “Moshi moshi” five thousand times. It means “Hello” on the telephone, but can also be used to get someone's attention. She was relentless with it, so I started to go insane (the joke was on them, I already had!).
Another mistake I made with her was to give her my telephone number. She said she wanted to text me. I was under the impression she meant once in a while,  not every ten minutes. When I didn't respond she would send hate texts about how I was ignoring her and being rude. I informed her I was asleep as it was night-time and she shouldn't be using her phone so late.
Eventually I gave up and told her teacher I needed her to delete my number and inform her not to scratch her nails on the board as I was living in a horror film being around her (I think the RING). 
That was true, it was a horror film life.
One boy, I wasn't too sure what his situation was. He hung out with the bad kids and swore a lot in Japanese. I think he liked me but it was hard to tell (he didn't hit me or scratch his nails, so bonus there). One time during my farewell party with all of them, the special needs teacher mentioned they had made lunch for me. Lucky me I thought!
I was excited, until I saw the bad kid pick his nose, then scratch his bum and put his hands back into the rice. I was a bit horrified. I contemplated how I could come up with an excuse to get out, since I was already there.
He kept repeating he had put “unko” into the rice balls. If you didn’t know unko means excrement or crap in English. I hoped that it was just a special needs joke, or he was mispronouncing.
It sounds a lot like “anko” which is sweet bean and fairly common in rice balls.

Well it might look like "unko" aka crap, but this one is "anko" red bean.
The taste shouldn't be similar, at least in theory.

I really hoped he had not put “unko” into the rice balls. As I went to put my first bite into the balls he had an evil grin on his face, “Enjoy the “unko”!”, he said. It seemed he had added a lot salt and seaweed as well, which is weird if its sweet bean. I'm no cook like Jamie Oliver, but those don't go together. If it was indeed crap then he had covered up the flavour quite well with the salt and seaweed. No matter what it was inside I had a feeling I was about to get a sore stomach and severe diarrhea. What else is new!
I thanked them for the lunch (and was thinking where can I throw up?). They asked if I wanted to take any home. I said I was full and that I would be out at farewell parties so would have no chance to eat it.
As I left, I thought I overheard the bad boy say “Oh I gave him the wrong one, who ate the unko one?”. I hoped it was himself that ate it!

I'll try cleaning it after I die. My corporation will deal with my death.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Camping in Floods, that sounds fun!

Camping in Tsuruga Japan
Paradise or hell?

Camping in Flooded area, That sounds fun.

I went on a camping trip with my friend Anthony (also Canadian), Chiaki (who is a girl that speaks many languages), my girlfriend, Anthony's girlfriend and Chiaki's friend (don't know her name but she was silent and allergic to the sun, yes to the SUN!). So I heard the beaches (maybe bitches too) were super hot in Tsuruga. That sounded nice since Chiaki and Anthony's girlfriend had a car. It was a relatively close drive. The idea was to go there, and then go to some awesome campsite not too far away from beach (and the bitches). Well, it sounded great in theory (especially the bitches).
The trip there was OK, I was in Anthony's girlfriend's car. As I recall nothing that great happened in the car, except that Anthony's girlfriend was loving my jokes (which are not too funny as you probably already know based on my writings on this blog). Anthony later told me his girlfriend kept saying she thought I was hot. I was like uh OK. He said she never shuts up about it, which I guess explains why she laughed at everything I said including directions. "Turn left soon". Her response "Hahaha you are so funny." I was WTF, its a direction not a joke.
Finally when we got to the beach, it was beautiful except for the wood chips and small sticks and other crap floating in the water (I didn't see any bodies but there could been, it was cloudy).

The water was covered in debris. At least it looked nice here

Apparently there had been a major flood and it dumped this crap into the ocean. The beaches were also covered with with wood-chips, sticks etc near the tide line. The beaches would have been paradise if not for the weird things on the beach. There was a large number of Brazilians there though, sleeping in tents on the beach. They seemed a little scary. When I thought about it they probably liked us more than the Japanese on the beach. My reasoning with this is that the Japanese probably thought the Brazilians were weirder than us. On the other hand, the Brazilians and us had a lot in common being foreigners. We were both outsiders, and didn't fit into the cultural norm. I believe that them sleeping on the beach was a cultural faux pas. 

Sorry no bikini babes. I save those for me ;P

 So after playing on the beach, burying Anthony as deep as we could like he was a sandcastle and such, we decided to go to the campsite.

When we got there, it was mass chaos. The whole campsite was wet and covered in logs and weird crap. It was like the beach only worse. I forget the exact price but I think it was like 100$ a night. I remember Anthony asking me to ask for a discount, which the guy laughed at and didn't do of course.

So we start to setup our tents. Anthony had bought a tent just for this trip, I think it was a two man tent. By two man that meant two small Japanese men, not one large foreigner and his girlfriend. Chiaki had a 5 person tent for Nancy, me, her and her friend.

At night after millions of mosquito bites we went to bed. Since I had been in the ocean and my skin was all salty I decided to shower. I guess that was the wrong choice because there was no hot water, which I didn't know until I was standing under the shower head and pulled. It felt like I was taking a shower on top of Mt.Everest. It was so cold I couldn't close my fingers or rub the soap properly. To complicate things there was no privacy really as the only area the shower covered was a 4 inch area crotch height. I have no idea how girls took a shower without exposing their bosoms. Based on how cold it was, they probably sucked it up and didn't shower. Ice showers are terrible. I kept thinking at least once I get into my cozy sleeping bag I'll warm up, its not like I want to get hypothermia.
As I got in my sleeping bag in the tent I tried to think of something warm. The only bad thing was that after about 30 minutes it started to rain. Earlier we had been saying, "Its such a nice day, why would we need a rain guard". I'll tell you, from now on I'm always putting a rain flap on.

I guess Anthony's tent wasn't made for the white devil gaijin (foreigner) cause he couldn't get comfortable. He told me later his feet were actually getting crushed by the frame of the tent. I did see his feet sticking physically outside of where the tent ended. He was bending the tent by having his legs straight. He claimed he didn't sleep a wink, but that probably wasn't because of that. More likely his girlfriend wanted some McLovin'.

So my sleeping bag sucked and was too short, so at first it was a hard sleep. Then, after some rustling, I was able to enter la la land. Then suddenly, I awoke to being drenched in water. As I slept, the rain came down and drenched me. In addition the ground was wet already and we had put our tent in a really bad spot where the water would all collect on my side. It felt like a river was washing over me. I tucked myself in the fetal position and tried to sleep. But there was no hope in that cold dark place, soaking wet. I started to hallucinate I was in a dungeon. The tent was leaking from the inside and there was a drip like Chinese water torture upon my brow. So my face was covered in freezing water and the puddle in the tent was getting bigger and it wasn't just me getting wet. I tried to sleep through it, but its like peeing on an electric fence, it won't work. Finally Chiaki says "I'm soaked, lets put rain cover on tent". I said OK, and as we fumbled in the dark for the tent zipper, but I couldn't find it. I guess Chiaki had put her head in the doorway and I didn't notice so when I yanked the zipper really hard her hair got stuck. I didn't realize I did it, but her head was sideways and she seemed to be moaning. Since she didn't say anything I kept yanking the zipper back and forth and it seemed to be stuck on something. After 2 minutes or so she told me her hair was stuck in the zipper and asked if I could stop moving the zipper up and down. It was tearing her hair out. I started laughing cause it was so ridiculous. At that point everyone else in the tent was woken up by my laughing. Then for the first time I noticed clumps of her hair in my wrinkly and wet hands. I tried to pull her hair from the zipper and the tent caved in! It was terrible! The whole roof fell down. Not only was her hair stuck in the zipper but I couldn't get it out. Finally I grabbed the roots of her hair and I said "Listen, I'm going to try to save a bit of your hair my holding it at the roots and ripping the hell out of the zipper. This may hurt a little." Thinking back I should have told her "Going to hurt a lot, like a real son of a bitch".

Finally her hair came loose, but I lost a bit more in the zipper, possible pieces of her scalp-line too. I didn't notice till the next day but there was a patch of hair missing where I had torn the roots from her skull. If you are reading this, I still feel sorry about that. 

We stepped out of the tent and it was raining hard and freezing cold. 

We re-erected the tent and went to bed soaked. One of the worst nights of my life.

I guess the only person's worse was Chiaki, aside from the pain, she didn't even have enough hair to keep her warm anymore. Damn!

That's what I wanted to do after the camping experience. No sleep = total suck

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future. If only it could make me some money. That would be even nicer!

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva