Memoirs of a Gaijin - An Unlucky English Teacher in Japan: star wars

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Smokers and Tokers!

As you probably know in Asia people smoke like they eat, everyday and multiple times a day.
That's a cool paragraph to map out this story. I would like to only say in Japan, but really its most of Asia.
This map I'm describing is as effective as flat earth theory in describing the Earth (I capitalised Earth the 2nd time just for fun, though there is a grammar rule about when it should or shouldn't be, did you know? Made you think!).

Ahem, back to the blogpost at hand (I'm so easily distracted, DAMN YOU ADHD {now called ADD}).

That's cool, it might not be because of the MJ maybe ADHD.

Everyone smokes in Japan, but nearly nobody tokes. As I have probably mentioned many times, marijavagina (Mary Jane) is bad news in Japan. Its considered one of the worst drugs on the planet. In North America, its ONLY considered a gateway drug. You start there and work your way up to the nasty stuff, coke (not the drink) etc. Coke drink isn't that great for you either though.

Due to that reason whenever I smelt it anywhere I was confident it was a foreigner smoking it.
And I'm not sure they understood the risk of it (life in prison / complete shame and you being labelled one of the top criminals in Japan or worse). I can't think of anything worse, but there probably is something, let's leave it open ended like flat earth theory (there are still people claiming its true, oh god!).

In general I don't really like smoking and in Japan its hard to avoid it (kinda like the black plague was in the 14th century, only easier to avoid). People smoke everywhere or I should say used to.

I mentioned previously in a blogpost that when I was there the teachers had started smoking outside the teachers office. This was funny because they told me that before everyone just smoked wherever, whenever. During my years they changed the law and weren't supposed to smoke on property, but as they were addicted they sat in their cars and smoked. LOL. It was so obvious, all the kids knew. I think the purpose was so kids don't emulate. What a fail!
The perils of nicotine addiction its like riding the Titanic, at some point you are going down (though in all fairness it took the Titantic 2 hours 40 mins to sink).
I hope you have longer as a smoker.

I remember hearing stories about the Tokers. Even my white Japanese teacher (he wasn't white Japanese he was just white and spoke Japanese). He told us onetime he stayed over at a friend's house and the police came to raid their place. I don't remember the gist of the story but somehow as they entered they shoved all the marijavagina into the potted plant and didn't get caught. Funny (and probably not true). You might say as true as flat earth theory.

This is bamboo leaves, do not smoke it! Though legal if its your bamboo.

I did know a guy that occasionally smoked MJ in Japan (not bamboo but possibly). He was quite funny. Italian American but for some reason thought he was black. I told him its dangerous to smoke that and if you get caught they cut your balls off. I figured that would persuade him from going down the path to the dark side (a Star Wars reference obviously).
He didn't listen to me. But he didn't listen to anyone.

Onetime during a fight I heard his Japanese girlfriend threw him through a window at his place.
When he invited me over one day and there was still glass on the floor I semi believed it.
Needless to say the fact that it was not cleaned up told me at least they were on the rocks (what girl would allow glass to stay on the floor, its a guy thing).
I believed it as much as flat earth theory (see you don't know which side I'm on!)
The end.......... (of flat earth theory). I hope.

Don't do it in Japan unless you wanna be on Japan's FBI list of top criminals.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6hudSMxomg

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Abe Sada our Lorena Bobbitt!

As a young boy I used to have a nightmare about a monster that cut off my pee wee (PEN15 if you catch my drift) in the night and ate it (you could become a member of our PEN15 club I used to say. All you need to do is write PEN15 on your arm in permanent marker. A few people fell for it. Highly entertaining).

I think the reason about the monster dream (or if you are Freud you might say "fantasy". although its no Disney adventure) because of the news at that time "Lorena Bobbitt". A lady who like to carve off chunks of turkey (only it was man turkey. Man turkey is code for pee wee, I'm trying to be subtle).

SLEEP ON THE COUCH, or you may get CUT!

It was quite a disturbing story (especially for a child. Much worse than the WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST). If I recall it correctly a wife found out her husband was cheating. She pretended she was being kinky and tied him up and then took out a light saber and sliced off his pee wee (cause that's totally typical Disney style. Well technically it is now, since STAR WARS got bought by Disney, but I mean generally. And still even in Star Wars they aim for wrists not pee wees (SPOILER ALERT ...... from the 70's). So far...... but more episodes to come so you never know).
She then took the so called sliced pee wee and put it in her pocket for later. I think she threw out out her car window. NASTY!
That's the crazy bro!

Well guess what! Japan has the same thing, that predates that extraordinary fun adventure. Her name was ABE SADA. The name itself strikes fear into the hearts (and other areas) for men.
She was a jealous women who didn't want to share her man with anyone.
The funny thing was, she was a prostitute (so hard to be jealous of their wives). According to her life history she was a promiscuous prostitute and at one point an apprentice geisha (but failed to have any skills other than being promiscuous. It is a good skill to have I guess. By the way Geisha are not prostitutes that's just a Western misconception, anything sexual is on the side, not the purpose).
Let me give you a Star Wars analogy, since we are going down that path (of the dark side Luke!) Its like you are a Jedi Knight. You can do mind control, but cutting sh#t with your light saber is all bonus. You don't have to do it, you can already move sh$t with your mind.
Extra cream on the cake you might say (or not). It might be icing on the cake, but cream sounds tastier (I'm a bit off my rocker today and everyday).

That's some STAR WARS sh$t right there. Don't say ABE SADA 3 times or she appears (or Beetlejuice) !!

Anyways back to her story. After feeling like she found her one true love (give me a break), he asked her lover to leave his wife for her, and he said no (must have been a real surprise. That's sarcasm).
So she got all kinky and strangled him (the year was 1936 which is relevant in a minute). He cut off his pee wee and put it into her kimono sleeve (it wasn't a fancy Geisha kimono sleeve, it was probably a low class kimono if pertinent. If you aren't Japanese you probably don't care. Nor do you know if a kimono should be folded left to right or right to left. Let me teach you. Its always left over right unless dressing a corpse for a funeral. You can now dress yourself properly, you're welcome).
She kept his manhood, told the maids to let him sleep and left. She also carved Abe and the guys name "Ishida" together into his thigh with a knife. That's a nice touch. She could have taken up wood or ice carving (but skin always works as a canvas. Its so smooth. That's the sick sh$t people I was testing you!)

After she left, she tried to became sexually active with a severed man turkey. Very odd, nevertheless it didn't work (which shouldn't be a surprise as the corpora cavernosathe was severed and no blood to make it functional). I had to look through a urology textbook for that term. I'll add it to my resume.
Police came and she handed over "the part" from her kimono. I suspect they were like "Seriously lady, wtf!? That's the sick sh$t right there bro" I'm gonna keep using that the whole time so I hope its not annoying yet.
Her name became synonymous with chopping the man turkey. If you say her name in a room full of men (not the young NEW GEN type, they probably have no idea), many men will instinctively put their hands on their privates (make sure they are old men. Benjamin Button type age).
Try it sometime. I did it, very funny, especially while drinking.
Or if someone puts a hand on your friends shoulder and they say who is it. Say its ABE SADA! I laughed pretty hard when I did that, but those guys were too young and didn't get it. I didn't care, I laughed anyways (nothing wrong with laughing at your own jokes).

Ha!

In the end Lorenna Bobbit's husband has his man turkey re-attached and started a band called SEVERED PARTS. He took his hand (or maybe not hand exactly) to try at porn.
He had two unsuccessful films "John Wayne Bobbit UNCUT" and "Frankenweenie". Please don't look them up, not worth it (not that I saw it).

As for "Ishida" he ended up dead, so nothing that great happened for him after the whole incident.
No attempts at porn that I know of (that's the sick sh$t bro!)
Attempts at resurrection failed (so far. I'm still working on it).

Mine too. But no machine gun (so far. I'm working on it).

Some More ABE SADA history if you are into it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sada_Abe