Avoid getting molested

Avoid Getting Molested.

It ain't that fun (Well...usually).

Oh groundskeeper Willy how can you not love him?

After two years at my school I had the teachers personalities pinned. I knew who the party animal was, who the hardcore nerd was and everything inbetween. When drinking in Japan people really change and they let their ambitions fly (or maybe I should say drop. They dropped them like a hot potato). Most people don’t seem to regret anything they did the next day. I usually regretted everything I did, which was always drinking too much and saying stupid things (saying stupid things is everyday of my life though). And by drink too much I meant two beers or girly fizzy drinks.

I went home to Canada for a short trip after two years in the summer. When I came back I was at the school one day by myself with the vice principal. It was a little weird, since he didn’t seem to like foreigners and usually avoided me like I was infected with the black plague (although I might be. I always forget to have it checked).

I showed up to work at 8:30AM sharp as always. As you know in summer the kids don’t come to school and that day apparently neither did anyone else. Just me and the groundskeeper. I’d like to call him Willy. Groundskeeper Willy, but he was Japanese so let’s call him Tanaka. Groundskeeper Tanaka and I were keeping it real in the office, sitting around drinking tea (because that’s what people do in Japan). The vice principal who must have been at work but somewhere else in the building came into the office. He walked up to me “He betrayed us didn’t he?”. I had no clue what he was talking about. Although he never made sense even to the other teachers I was told. I had heard repeat stories about his mumbling and nonsensical statements. I wondered if this was one of them.

The guy never talks to me after two years and then says that and doesn’t explain himself. So I ran after him, "Sorry I don’t understand the topic". He kept mumbling about how he did it, he betrayed us.

I’m like great another student issue, those mother truckers.
 

Mother Truckers, I've had enough of those kids and their issues.

Then he looked at me with a stunned look. "Didn’t you read the newspaper?". Read the newspaper? Mother trucker I live in a foreign country and you write your newspapers in a combo of three alphabets, (Chinese characters) Kanji, Hiragana (for Japanese words) and Katakana (for foreign words). I responded politely with a smile, “No sir, I do not read the humble newspaper”. I threw the word humble in to make it more polite, although I'd never heard a Japanese say it that way, so perhaps it was also nonsensical. Moreover, the actual reason was because even if I could read I wouldn’t pay the cost for one (don't you know how cheap I am after two years with me?).

He grabbed a newspaper from beside the tea pot like with a determination like it was the end of the world. I was more interested in the tea and hoped he’d pour me some while he was up there. I guess I was a foreigner though, so probably below him to serve me. Fine I thought once he turns his back I’m pouring my own. And maybe refill his while I'm at it, where is his damn (humble) cup!

He handed me the paper and pointed out an article about molestation (yes, sadly I know the word in Japanese "Chikan"). Not a topic I knew anything about besides the word (no jokes about that, not going there).

"A vice principal hereby not being named which was formally at middle school in Nagahama city in Shiga prefecture, molested a girl and was placed under probation promising he will return to face charges. At the scene of the fire he saw a women run out from a fire, since she was suffering from smoke inhalation he took advantage of her and molested her chest using his elbows."
Oh, score I guess I can read the newspapers, I didn't know that.

But why am I reading this story? Its not one with a happy ending.

I didn’t understand the elbow part either, and asked him what it meant. What the heck is molesting with an elbow? I looked at groundskeeper Willy (I mean Tanaka) for support. He drank his tea in silence (I think pretending not to see me staring at him).

The vice principal explained a former teacher from our school was the culprit. I said oh. Who was it I asked. He told me the name. I freaked out a little (but no I didn't pee my pants if that's what you heard. THIS TIME!).

I had been with him quite a few times without others around. Especially dark areas with little or no light. He also asked me out for tea once (cause that's what people do in Japan) in a total bromance kind of way (we are both straight. I THINK). 
I wondered if he was trying to seduce me (he was doing a good job starting with tea).

I looked at the vice principal with a serious look. He didn’t molest me, if that’s why your telling me this, I informed him. He gave me a strange look of puzzlement. He explained that many parents also deduced (solved) who it was. They were worried about their kids having been molested. I said oh, OK. I thought you were worried about me.

He answered not so much and walked away. That's a joke, he just walked away, but I'm sure he didn't care, if he did he would have poured me some tea.

Groundskeeper WIlly (Tanaka) and him left the office, the office phone rang. 

No one to pick it up. Crap!

I wasn’t sure what to do. I yelled down the hallways, “Uhhhh the phone is ringing! Hello? Anyone alive....?”. No answer.

Molester must have got them.

I decided to answer the phone. “Hello this is blah blah middle school and you are speaking to a foreigner how can I help you today?”. The person must have misheard who it was because they started blabbing to me in intelligible local dialect. My listening skills have never been as good as my speaking (the same as my English. Its called "selective listening", I don’t care what anyone has to say. I just want to talk only my wife says).

So I answered with the following....

"I’m sorry to inform you that the honorific chair of Mr.Molester’s name (unsure if that's who she is even asking for) is unoccupied at the moment. His whereabouts unknown (Perhaps hiding from the police).

Therefore please call back when there are Japanese people in the office (or anyone that cares what you have to say cause I don't)."

The vice principal came back shortly after.

“Oh um there was a phone call”, I said.

“Who was it?”, he asked.

I thought about this and tried to think of something funny to say.
Instead something stupid came out.

“The molester”, I answered.

“He betrayed us”, he said sternly.

“Ya thanks, I got that the first time”, I answered. 

Like a broken record this guy.

I decided not to tell him it wasn't the molester, I did laugh though.

I repeat DO NOT MOLEST THE ALLIGATORS!

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Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


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