Finding those damn Pokemon!

I thought that was a pretty ingenious title.
I hope you don't expect a post about "catching them all". Its about catching you all, and keeping you in my pokey balls for the duration of this blogpost (wait what!? That sounds perverted..... as it should)

No this post is actually more about how I'm idiot, but then, that is what most of my posts are about.



When I was young and in Japan, we didn't have Android and Apple cell phones. Everyone had these crappy things that you can type texts on and play radio (some TV too actually) but no Google MAPS etc (not the huge Zack Morris type phones, they are tiny but don't do as much as today's phones with exceptionally crappy graphics like original gameboy vs PS4).
I never knew where I was (not that I do now most of the time) and no one had GPS like we do now.

I wished I had that phone... when I was 10!

Try Tokyo by yourself. Its like a puzzle with half the pieces missing. You probably think this sounds like a joke, but unfortunately its the truth.

I ripped this from Google regarding street addresses in Japan.

Most Streets in Japan Don't Have Names. ... In Japan, they use a very different addressing system than is used in most Western countries. Rather than streets having names (the space in between blocks), they give blocks numbers and leave the space in between the blocks, streets, nameless.

Key is nameless, remember that. Trying to find a nameless space.

You might say you could be Lost in Translation (funny because there is a movie about it and it involves Japan, Billy Murray and Black Widow). On a sidenote if you have seen it remember "lip my stalkings", very funny. L and R are a big issue for Japanese, never discuss Obama's election, ever!

Typical Japanese map, only with Chinese characters and lots of random numbers.

I quite literally came across an old email today which sparked this post. Looks like I wrote it to a friend after I got back from the Tokyo trip.

This is the original email. Remember I'm writing it to someone so its supposed to be in a voice in your head, like its a letter (but actually an email, as no one sends letters anymore).

"Tokyo was the shits. Literally and figuratively. I got lost looking for John's (damn) apartment.
He was in Osaka at the time while I'm in Tokyo and texted me that he hid a key to his place outside. The problem was finding his (damn) apartment. He gave me an address that looks like random characters thrown together with some random numbers (I wasn't even sure its even a real address). He gave a cross street that doesn't exist and characters I couldn't find. I was convinced he might be messing with me at first.
I did the only sensible thing I could and went to 7-11. Grabbed some niku man (hot Chinese buns full of meat) and asked the workers there where the address was. Seems like they didn't know either. They pointed in a general direction. Saying that way its West. I was like thanks, that's so exact..... ;-(

It was like this, only looked better. This one looks sorta nasty.

This lady, I guess a customer kept looking at me. Finally after like 10 minutes, she said in Japanese are you lost? I said ya (I considered making a joke about Lost in Translation the movie, but I didn't). She said what's the address. She looked at it, "kinda that way, 'West' ish" . I responded everyone likes to point that out to me.
It was super cold outside and I carried too many bags. The lady offered to bike while I ran behind her. I felt like I was a rickshaw puller, without the rickshaw but just as exhausted. I was hoping she would offer to rig up a way to pull one of my bags behind her attached to her bike.

I didn't have any fans and I was only pulling luggage, but it was hard work pulling & catching up to a bike.

She finally found it the address for me. It required a pass-by of the same place 5 times. "I don't think he wrote the address was quite correct she comments or its nameless (F!) , but ya its West I guess."
I couldn't find the key where he told me it was going to be. I was gonna knock on the door of the building, but I tried one last brick and I found it (how many loose bricks define a building as safe). I entered his apartment and it was sickly gross. There was sh%t falling outta his toilet too! Clothes strewn everywhere. I remember a few times he told me how he had girls over often. I couldn't believe it, they must be really drunk (and in retrospect leaving his place was probably like a maze (not corn maze but similar) too, hopefully they found 7-11 like me assuming they would point "East" to escape.
It was no surprise to me that none of his relationships ever lasted (as in more than one night haha, mean but funny).

His apartment was as cold as F (colder than outside, how is that possible?) and he seemed to only have 1 single electric heater which had one setting "on". Couldn't find his usual aircon / heater unit, but it may have been under clothes, boxes and the rats (or beavers, I didn't want to lift the clothes to find out, at least its not human bodies this time since moving occasionally).

As for things the other interesting parts of the trip beside that.

We lost the English competition... the Princess' English were flipping amazing! British Oxford style! Ill do her impression for you when I see you next. I took some pictures where the sign said don't take any pictures (a rebel without a cause, it can be used as proof I was within few metres of the Princess).

Anyways I feel like I've been pulling a rickshaw around all day, so I'm going to bed. G'night m f*^ker."

End of letter (actually email).

After that, a few days later we went to Tsukiji the fish market. The funny thing was I didn't prepare proper shoes so I wore my dress shoes there, bad idea.
As you can imagine a fish market isn't exactly clean and you are basically standing in guts and runoff from seafood. I noticed everyone else there, had proper rubber boots on, with steel toe boots.
The dress shoes stank for another month or so after.  I only had 2 pairs I could alternate at work. I think the kids wondered if the smell was my body odor or something else. If I noticed their nose twitching, I'd do the same thing, so they didn't suspect me.

When someone said it stinks outloud I'd blamed a different student and pointed. Its good to have trust as a teacher, it can come in handy at the most inopportune time.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Masks for Foreigners

If you have been following the news, we have a slight issue with corona virus (by slight I mean like totally life altering and totally crappy). I myself have been laid off, which in all fairness my job is not fitting for this sort of thing, not a lot of tourists coming to a hotel during this time.

My post isn't about that, though there is tie in (this is foreplay as my topic also involves tying, you may think this is about to go sexual, but its going to go asexual. If you add "a" to word it means "not". Asymptomatic, aleprehaunsit, athiest, anyways the words go on and on and my examples don't).

I'm going to assume you have read all the other 200 blogposts on this blog, if you haven't let me remind you of one of the stories.

I was wondering if Aliens had entered our world but just found out this is the new norm.

Whilst I was in Japan as a young man (a high schools student to be exact) I was doing a short exchange in Kyoto. When we boarded the public bus I looked up to see some people with masks. I was a little concerned. I'd never seen anyone wear masks and by masks I mean medical style tied behind head except in hospitals. I asked my hostbrother "Hey, there is masks, is there some sort of issue I need to know about, like air quality issue?". My hostbrother looked around like he didn't have a flipping clue when I was talking about. I pointed directly at two people that had masks on (probably exceptionally rude in Japan to point). Also I stand out like a sore thumb, so they are probably wondering why I'm pointing directly at them while mumbling something in a devil tongue.

The masks on the bus looked absolutely nothing like this, actually opposite, but I thought its funny. Hopefully Twitter won't write a note stating this is a falsehood, it is, but its funny.

My hostbrother leaned over to me and whispered "The mask is because you". I was thinking, the English isn't far off but I don't get it still. I asked him "What do you mean?". He looked at me with a grin "You are gaijin (foreigner), they don't want to share air with you, its dirty, sort of pollution". I was shocked, and thinking maybe its deodorant related and I didn't put enough on. After a quick self sniff, I realized the "Secret" deodorant I had on was fine (ya strong enough for a man but made for a women, I don't want to hear your opinion, don't judge. Its what my mom supplied me with so I used it.).

I looked at my hostbrother and said "I can't believe it, does this happen often?" My hostbrother leaned over again this time covering his mouth as if he was also scared "This is joke, they sick from flu and don't share to other people". I was thinking, wow this is so considerate, no one in Canada (or USA) would ever wear a mask, probably even if there was a valid reason I don't see everyone doing it.
BAM, here we are 25 years later (yes I'm old now which sucks), and I see all these weird masks in public.
I've seen fruit, veggies, panties, tampons. Its quite amazing.

I didn't see this ever in Japan. I guess in theory its possible.

As we continued on the bus, I saw someone get on the bus coughing. Yes they had a mask on. Each cough they put their hand up over the mask as if they were catching the tiny particulates (that's a big word for particles, cause I know a lot of big words). They didn't touch their mask but seemed liked a courtesy to pretend cover their mouth, how polite.
I thought what a great thing to do, maybe one day I'll do it.

A few days later I got a cold in Japan, my nose was running nonstop, snot literally dripping on my fingers and hands. I also used the back of my hand many times to push the snot back up.
As the random Japanese kids bowed to me, some new faces I was introduced to or just hello's I'd put my hand out to shake them. It didn't occur to me, they probably say the devil foreigner with his snotty nose and no mask. At least they didn't know my hands were dripping with it too. Just remember, that was old a cold back then, these days might not be, wash your hands, use a mask and don't use the back of your hand like a caveman.

There is no way this one would work for me or my kids. Its freaking deadly in our shoes.  Just ask my wife who often picks our dirty shoes off the floor.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

My Pet Foreigner! ME?

My Pet Foreigner (Gaijin)! ME?

Some people really enjoy having a PET. Like a dog, cat, fish. Those kind of things.
I even saw in the news someone had an emotional pet peacock they wanted to take on a flight with them on a flight, I don't mean in the back. Like sitting beside them in the passenger area. Wow. People are really messed up in this world. Like x 1 million.

Seriously? What will people take as Pet's on flights. I saw a Pig in another article.

Treating a person like a pet though is a bit degrading, unless you are into that kind of stuff (and I know some of you are, you sicko's!) Welcome to 50 Shades of brown (and I'm subconsciously placing that image of brown in your head in the beginning of this post). 

I was treated as a PET by a few of my middle school student. Sometimes in a good way, but more often than not like I was not worthy of being human. Afterall, in a largely homogeneous culture we foreigners are the "different ones". Sometimes it works in your favour, and sometimes not. This is one of those NOT times.

I had a few girls that liked to pat / pet my arms. I've never seen anyone pat/ pet a human like they do an animal. They seem enamored with my hairiness. Especially my blonde-ish arm hair.

Why you ask?

Because I had hair all over them, like a whole lot of it. Just short of a Silverback Gorilla.
I feel the mentality was "those foreigners deserve a pat on their hairy arms, but they should also be fed banana's and kept in a cage". 

I may have mentioned this before. but there was one girl (teenager) that liked to rip my hairs out. Man it hurt like you would not believe. She would ask for help, and I'd come over and then she would pet my arm. Suddenly she'd rip a hair out and I'd scream (usually like a little girl. And by usually I mean everytime).

I'm not kidding you when I say it flipping hurts. If you don't believe me, find some body hair from somewhere on your body and just pull it. Now chose a second hair and pull it again, rip it. For added pain make sure you rub some salt on it afterwards. Not that I've ever tried the salt thing, just assuming someone might be down to try it.

Honestly I haven't tried waterboarding like they do to ISIS prisoners, but its probably very similar (except for the whole feeling like you are drowning).

I really didn't like that girl, but she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed (a little bit dumb dumb), so she honestly did need extra help compared to the other students. 

Me and my soft heart, I would always fall for her demon tricks. I wonder if she would like it if I pulled her head hair out one by one and said "Oh sorry, I saw a grey hair, just trying to help you".

At least it wasn't in the dog food I ate, or .... was it?

There was another girl, that would come up to me and hold my hand. I found it a bit weird. I had seen some teachers hold students hands as a joke, but most of the other teachers were older. I was only six years older than them, so it was like I was the University student picking up a Elementary g/f. Disgusting! I do remember a few University student I knew, that bragged he was going to pickup his grade 11 g/f at the nearby high school. Needless to say, he was a weird dude. How couldn't you be. I'm fairly sure that's illegal (but probably not in Texas. Anything seems to go there). This one girl that was a bit crazy would hold on and not let go. I would try to be nice and say sorry my hand hurts, or I gotta go. I told some of the teachers I didn't feel comfortable with her, she was a bit off (her rocker). 

She would say to other students he's so cute and I wish I had one at home when referring to me. I'm not sure she knew the Pet, me, understood.

When she said wish I had a foreigner at home? Does that mean I'm going to live in the doghouse? I was a little scared.

They way she said it was that I was a PET.

I didn't feel she counted me as human. I hope she doesn't want to offer me dogfood (its not certified as safe for human consumption, I know cause I tried it once or twice. Once I saw mint bones and it sounded good. Let me assure you, it was NOT GOOD. I guess compared to eating other dog faeces (sh%t) on the ground its good comparably). The other one was called Puritina dog chow. I mistook it for Puritan stew (which I recently saw again at the dollarstore, its been years, I was worried it was discontinued due to being toxic or something). That stuff got me through my adolescence (which just ended recently). I see the sodium content has increased by approx a million.

This one is severely overpriced $2. I saw at dollar store and was actually a dollar!

Like this but in a can and no pic of a dog. You tell me which looks better!

Kids can sometimes be funny, because their intention is not always learned from their parents depending on age. After seeing some of the parents of these kids, I thought wow, this is all learned behaviour. I don't they came out of utero thinking I'm a PET. They actually believe I was a differing life form just short of alien.
I always thought the word gaijin (as I like to translate simply as foreigner) but the actual characters means "outside person". That the real meaning wasn't much of a welcoming card. Neither was it nice we had to carry ID on ourselves at all times incase we needed to be carded as being outsiders. HINT the skin colour may give it away.
I heard one story that a foreigner had to write a formal apology for not carrying their foreigner card addressed to the Emperor. Wow! Probably banned from entering Japan ever again after sending it.

On the plus side I guess it was nicer that we were aliens or outside people as in the past it was yabanjin "barbarian/ savages". Things are getting better. Just took over a couple hundred years.

We don't get burned alive anymore too, so that's also a bonus.


If you are into history here is some further info
http://factsanddetails.com/japan/cat16/sub182/item2771.html
https://www.ranker.com/list/christian-martyrs-of-japan/melissa-sartore

At least I didn't get neutered (castrated) as her PET.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Tricked into Modelling

I think I may have mentioned this somewhere in the first 20 or so blogposts of the 300 I posted. If not, please feel free to re-read them all (and somehow hopefully that will make me big bucks. If you think of a way let me know).

I should say I maybe endowed this story a little bit to make it sounds better than it was (though its hard to endow a story of this caliber).

I was asked to model, and I figured why wouldn't you ask a nice looking lad like myself (I'm not being too cocky I hope). That's called a fact (not fiction. I used to get them confused in Elementary school). I though Aliens were real and Pyramids were fake.

I thought I was unique being asked to "model". Like a lucky gold horseshoes, 1 in a bazillion (fact or fiction? hahaha). I later found out 4 other foreigners (from my University in Japan) were asked to as well. That's called being hoodwinked (butter you up, then tell you you are not special). I was just one straw among the many (and not even the lucky short straw).  And FYI short straw isn't a reference to anything, if that's what you are thinking.

I also thought, when they said "model", I thought they meant pay model. I didn't clarify (and in retrospect perhaps I should have. That was dumb of me).
Yes there were a few kinks in the cable if you know what I mean. Technically I was a student, and modelling wasn't allowed, I had limited options for jobs and none of them involved selling my body (and I mean any piece of it, cause I was highly interested for the right price of course).
I hope I don't come across that sleazy with that comment. As they say on SHARK TANK, everyone has a price (but they are usually talking companies and not perverted stuff. I prefer perverted. Well most people are following NASDAQ stocks, I'm follow Harvey Weinstein's drama.

I guess hammering the details out of being a "model" after the fact, was a bad choice for me.
I should have asked for a contract, about my appearance and future royalties.

We were told we were going to Osaka to a big stage where they people will dress us up and do our makeup.

When they said dress up, perhaps I should have asked, dressup in what? Suits? Designer jeans?   Alas, I did not..... dumb again I am. About as smart as a rock (at least that's why my teacher used to say. Just kidding, no teacher would say that to a child, that's soul crushing).

I had only worn boxers not underwear (yes TMI, but I need to tell you for an element to the story soon to come to fruition). I've been waiting years to use that word "to fruition". Sorry, I get distracted so easily, ADHD issues again...

Sorry blog is showing my ADHD today x 1000. 

We were told this was a volunteer job, but that the train ride would be reimbursed, and they would pay for a lavish dinner (I was dreaming of silverware and wine on a long table. The food would be on long silver trays and covered with massive silver domes). That also, was a grave error on my part. Strike 3?

When we go to their school "OSAKA MOODO GAKUIN", I was like this is dope man (as in "cool" not the drug dope for any not native English speakers reading this. I occasionally get emails, WHAT is a HOLY F, I could only find Holy Trinity or Holy Ghost in my dictionary is it an abbreviation of it). I always want to answer "Yes", but I figure that might destroy lives, if they get that wrong. Especially in a church. HOLY F everyone, God loves Holy F. It won't go over well.

After they led us in, they told us to take our clothes off. A little weird, but not the first time I've been asked (hahahaha. At least its for money this time, hahahha). I happened to be beside a Canadian girl, and the two American guys were on the other side, so I was thinking well at least I didn't get stuck with the guys and their dirty manliness.

I always thought she was cute, but whenever I tried a pickup line these were her answers.

Then out came the costumes. Oh boy, we were in for a surprise. I mentioned before that I thought we might be dressing up in suits or jeans, but no it was skin tight brightly coloured costumes.
They told us its Piccaso painting emotions. I looked at them thinking, wow, they look skin tight and I wore boxers, this is gonna be real weird.
And I was right.

One of the costumes was super cool with brown spiky hair. I was thinking Dragon Ball Z. I could pull it off. One of the other male costumes wasn't bad either with a big block head. The 3rd was the worst, it was red and white, and it has a heart balloon to go on the wig hair thing. I thought, that would be sh%tty to get, I hope I don't get it.
I tried to get the cool one and mentioned I wanted it, but they said based on our sizes they already decided.
Guess what. I was assigned the crappiest one.
Holy F!
They said its "love". Please act effeminate (unmanly). At least that part, they chose the right person as I'm a bit of a natural.
With the uncool boxers I wore, probably not going to be able to tell I'm a man anyways.

Face blurred to avoid being blackmailed. Notice the boxers underneath. 

Look at that dope hair, I would have taken it. I could probably throw fireballs if I had it.

When we finally went up on stage infront of 800 people, I realized I made a poor choice.
After the day was over, went to the Izakaya (Tapa bar) and had ate too much.
The next day I had severe diarrhea.

It can always be worse, ALWAYS!

As its Christmas Eve, let me leave you with that image and wish you a Merry Xmas! I probably have should have better things to do then writing this damn blog. 

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Green Tea and Crumpets!

Well sorry to let you know but this story contains no crumpets whatsoever. It was just a ploy to get you here.
I'm hoping it will spark interest with people that have twisted minds (and turned on by crumpets). I'd hoped it would be have the same pull as for those people looking for the words "SEX HERE" (I should note I always auto respond YES PLEASE).
I fear now that perhaps it would only work on the Brits, as they all have a appreciation for CRUMPETS (or is that just a stereotype?). Let's hope its not, and someone is actually reading this (and I mean anyone, there may be some money in it for you if you are. On the other hand there may not be. Its more likely to be the latter).

I hope there is no tobacco in that pipe or this is going straight to the SPCA.

No this blogpost is about Green Tea and Crumpets which is like oil and water, they just can't mix (unless of course you want to use detergent to emulsify it. As everyone knows, detergent is attracted to both water and oil molecules. If you don't know that, that is your science lesson for today).

As you know (or I hope you do), tea is an important part of Japanese culture. I want to say green tea only, but maybe I should just say tea in general. Vending machine everywhere serve it, restaurants, a person's house, office etc. Essentially everywhere ("dokodemo" which means everywhere as the cute character Doraemon says when he throws out his magic door that can take him to anywhere he wants to go).
The traditional tea ceremony called "Cha no yu" also serves it, though that one is bitter, and is not my cup of tea. Ha! That's a word play, not my cup of tea and its about a cup of tea. MWAHHWHHA why am I so funny with word play? I should seriously consider taking up rap. Though personally I never trust "white privilege" kids rapping about the hard life on the streets and living in the ghetto. They should be rapping about how their MacBook stopped working, and why their sweater gots a tear in the elbow (ya gots not got). Maybe about their Starbucks Venti (Italian coffee words brutal) being too hot. Cause that's too legit (to quit). I think I just stole that from a real rapper.... moving on.


I was lucky because I lived with a host family, so I was lucky to experience the changing seasons of teas. Different ones are served at different kinds of year just like the weather. Barley tea called Mugicha is served in summer. Its nice, especially when served cold from the fridge. My hostfamily liked to serve it with ice, so it was extra yum yum. I don't know how long you are supposed to leave it in the plastic pourer, but I found mine was mouldy or nasty when I made it myself after I was living on my own (like a bigboy at age 25). I left the teabags in it, perhaps its supposed to be removed and not big in the fridge while its still hot.

Naturally I do the Jedi way. I'll say I'm a natural, Yoda didn't even train me.

Winter, when its cold and depressing was served with a nice ryokucha (green tea) at my school. Tea ceremony and Starbucks served MACCHA (powered green tea, Starbucks one is super sugary).
A lot of the Sushi restaurants we went to served konacha (leftover junk green tea). Its like the low grade tea cause its bits and pieces of stems, small leaves, leftover leaves whatever thrown together. I liked it the most (cause I'm lowgrade I assume), and best of all its free (also a bonus) at most restaurants.

A lot of the Chinese restaurants served Oolong tea (also here in Canada at most Chinese places) or Jasmine cha (flowery one).

I always felt like I was surrounded by tea and I liked that. I also enjoyed all those maccha flavour candy, like Kitkats or other snacky snacks. Luckily lots of sugar to make up for the bitterness.

Seems to be a little upset, I suggest we get some now. Guessing she must be British. What is she a Queen (on TV she is LOL).

I read a few studies that said tea is a great drink for health due to the catechins (antioxidants). Most varieties have less caffeine than coffee. Interestingly monks like it cause it keeps them awake during the meditations (but to me Nirvana is sleep, so I would skip the tea).
There are some studies that seem to indicate that green tea helps with weight loss as one of the extracts helps the body to burn fat. I've always wondered why the Japanese are so thin compared to Westerner's. I don't think that's the only reason, but it may contribute to it.

I remember bringing some really nice green tea back from Japan. I gave it to my grandparents and told them this is the good stuff (not cheap for once), so enjoy it.
I found my grandmother drinking a cup that was an unrecognizable mud colour. I asked her what she was drinking, and she informed me the nice tea I bought her.
Nice tea has become mud, like that movie Slumdog Millionaire when the little boy jumped into the outhouse toilet hole (gross). I asked my grandmother why that colour? She said I added a lot of sugar and cream. Sugar and cream I thought? I've never heard of it with green tea, unless its maccha, and unfortunately for her, this wasn't maccha.

I figured at this point as might we well offer her a crumpet to go along with her not so green tea anymore, but then again, she's not British.

This seems highly inappropriate and funny. I should have given this shirt to my grandma instead of the tea.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

BE THERE or Be Square!

This might sound like a command in English, but its more of joke used normally with children (the key word here is mostly).

It could be one with one child using it with another, or in a joking way between an adult and child. Of course, there is always the chance its serious and not a joke at all. If its two adults, expect an all out fight and if it involves weapons, move away. If it involves large dress up sumo suits, take some photo's and send them to me.

In Japan, something like "Be there or be square," would be more along of the lines of be there, or we decapitate you (with or without a smile possibly). Actually, that may be slightly overkill (that's funny cause I said decapitate before and I just used the word kill in overkill). I really crack myself up sometimes.
In Japan making your presence for work or social events is an obligation. It doesn't matter if you have nothing to do as long as you are there. You can stand around, pretend like you are doing something. Or not pretend and just sleep. Even snoring sounds are acceptable based on my observations.
It reminds me of those Simpson's episodes where Homer is supposed to be watching the security camera, and he's in deep sleep. In North American not acceptable, but in Japan, no problem cause you are there. You thought people slept already on the train on the way in (and therefore maybe full of energy), but you still find people sleeping all the time, in meetings, while talking to people etc. I even saw people fall asleep talking standing up answering the school phone. And I should add they also bowed, but of course the person on the other end isn't aware they are bowing. I started doing it too in my hopes of assimilation (I was like the biggest nail sticking out of the wood). I wanted to get hammered in but I never could (this is a Japanese expression I like, only I'm making a joke because I'm a foreigner and stand out).
Those people sleeping on the train were still tired probably cause they were obligated to stay at work late, then go to after parties, then get home super late, shower (hopefully), then start that cycle again.

This guy mean business. Frankly, I'm not messing with him.

And just to add to the confusion, cause I like mind games with words.
I don't want you to confuse your (personal) presence with (gift) presents, but both are equally important in Japanese society. As I alluded to in a previous blogpost, I gave a rotten melon to my hostfamily. It was beyond nasty, my fingers melted into it like it was butter. For me, it was the thought that counts.
Normally if I had given a nice $100 melon they would have recorded it in some hidden journal and wrote "Demon boy gave us a nice melon today, owe him something back for $100 ish". Instead they probably wrote "that mofo demon foreigner gave us a nasty melon, what a fuc$ker. I can't believe him. Let's get revenge on him in the future by slipping him some 'accidental" poison fugu fish on his next meal with us". That seemed fair, afterall revenge is sweet when served cold (or is that ice cream? Possibly both).

I never recorded anything when I was in Japan and I never remembered who gave me what. I'm sure I owe a lot of people things that I was given. I think I mentioned I once mentioned I wanted to buy a sword and all the sudden my host family bought me one. I felt a bit guilty now, but at the time I was like, can I rack it up even more? Some gold bars? Pixie dust? (the real magic dust one not some sort of code for drugs. Unless of course the drugs can make me feel like I'm flying with no side effects).

I want this one. Real pixie dust and I can fly like Tinkerbell.

The saying be careful what you wish for also comes into effect here.
Sometimes you have a balance owing for whatever was given to, if you like it or not.
This could result in a sliced off finger in certain circles, or broken bones in others.
I recall a story from my old Japanese teacher (a large white guy) who told me about a friend he had that kept going to this fancy steakhouse. The owner, a yakuza guy, said you can come here and eat anytime you want for free. His friend thought that was great, so he went everyday. He told his friend you should be careful or they might ask you to smuggle drugs, or do something worse in return. Nothing is free in life (except free craigslist section which I frequent daily, I got a nice iron yesterday, slightly rusty, but gets the job done)..
He didn't hear from that friend again.
Though I'm a bit concerned his "friend" was imaginary, its possible he's trying to give me a life lesson without telling me I'm an idiot (which of course everyone knows I am).

If that's true, he's the opposite of my wife. She likes to let me know, usually with weapons in her hands. Its at times like these I most desire pixie dust, to fly away.

That's not my wife, but it looks like her gun. Be careful.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Being Fake is Great!

Being Fake is Great!

Been there, done that (I mean.... No.... I haven't).

And I don't mean like fake goods, though I shouldn't dismiss those either. I did have a few Lolex (Rolex) from China. They were dirt cheap compared to the real thing and left a yellow mark on my wrist. It was awesome! Like a free "fake" tan.

I also had some North Fake jackets. My friends in Canada were like oh you bought a North Face jacket? I said no, I bought in China and they noticed it was either North Fake or North Facs.

But don't tell Japanese friends that, I tried mentioning about fake goods onetime and my Japanese friends thought its like the evilest thing to buy and to wanted to call the FBI on me. Or whatever the equivalent in Japan was (JBI? MIB?). MIB isn't that funny I guess.


But regarding this post its a testament to the Japanese well oiled machine of "fake" social skills.
I like to call it being "fake" to make it easy to understand as its somewhat similar to our meaning.

You know in the West, a lot of people take sh#t for being fake. I remember in High School a lot of girls saying so and so is so fake. Fake nails, fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake body part ABC. Or that she just pretends she likes something but hates it, that may be more a little in tune.

What's wrong with that? My Lolex said it too.

Japanese fake is kind of similar, but bring the notch up a bit cause everyone does it. If someone said they are so fake, they'd be covering everyone.

When someone pours hot boiling coffee (or we can substitute that for green tea) on you, you just smile and say I'm sorry for being in the way. When in actuality the MOFO that just did it is totally at fault and might I add, a total ass. The person that did the spilling should offer compensation and bow, ideally on the ground with their face near your feet (you better hope they don't smell like doggy do do. Mine usually do).
I remember seeing people on trains during rush hour packed. People are trying to get off and among the pushing, some ladies are losing their shoes (heels). They just smile while hobbling with one shoe. Just go without it, pretending like nothing is wrong. Since its a heel its even worse, its like hobbling with a pirate's wooden leg, totally off balance. Hmm, that wasn't overly funny either.
If I had lost my shoe, I'd probably press the Emergency STOP button for the train and tell everyone to start looking. I'd call the Japanese S.D.F (self defence force) and tell them start looking, it must be here somewhere (that's funny). If they have a national guard to call them out too.


I recall a few times while buying groceries, thinking well thanks for helping me, but in Japan the cashier is bagging your stuff and bowing, thanking you for your business. Its great and very fake.. Those few business' in Canada where they say "Thank you for your business, please come again".
I usually do. I'm a sucker for fakery (and as I already mentioned about Lolex).

It also has to do with language.
In Canada we can say "Hi" to strangers on the street, not a big deal.
I recall a few times, I figured well why not greet people like in Canada.
One guy was running towards me and I greeted him "Konnichi Wa!" He didn't know how to react, seemed like an electric eel had just zapped him. But he mumbled something back to me, which may have been an attempt to speak an English greeting back, "HAROOO". It reminded me of that South Park TEAM AMERICA movie with Kim Jong Il. On a sidenote I have a Korean friend at work last name Kim. Thought he may be related, but he informs me only 60% are named Kim, another 30% Parks, and the other randoms.

It just like that. Not better.

It definitely helps the society to be well oiled and cause less friction in situations.
Mind you, its a skill to know when someone is being genuine or not. Most of us foreigners are terrible at it. I probably mentioned in Japan you are supposed to refuse a gift a few times when given something. I would always just say sure and take it. If someone said no, I'd respond OK, just take the gift and eat it (even when it wasn't food, ha funny). On the bright side no one said they hated my soul, they just smiled and went back to what they were doing. It may have been "fake" and they did hate my soul.


I guess Valentine's Day is a similar thing and only a plus for men.
In Japan women gives men Valentine's chocolate. Ladies first... oh sorry this is Japan, men first, especially through the door or walking on the street.
I always thought I did quite well, till I found out that in Japan there is something called "giri choco". Giri is obligation and choco is chocolate. So basically chocolates they don't want to give, but have to. On the plus side every man is going to get at least one chocolate, on the negative side, 99% are fake and the person probably hates your guts, but gives it to you out of an obligation. Somehow I don't feel that bad about it, and gladly accepted it.

I love Japan. Or am I just being fake.
That's for you to guess and me to ponder.

Let me know if you see any good Lolex, the hands on mine don't turn anymore.

I didn't mean this cheap, has to look slightly more convincing than this.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva