Tentacles and Testicles yum!

 Tentacles and Testicles yum!

A lot of Japanese think Gaijin (foreigners) are weird. And let’s face it, they aren’t wrong.

If you’ve lived in Japan, you would probably agree that they are more than a few messed up gaijin. By a few, I mean like as in almost all. Very few normal. Most are completely off their rocker.

They aren't just weird to the people of Japan. They are weird to me too. I wouldn't be caught dead being friends with a lot of them in Canada. This is the story of one of those types of individuals.

For some reason Japan is like a magnet for weird gaijin.

They are attracted to Japan like slugs are to beer (only faster! And that’s a useful tip about slugs should you be having problems with them in your garden, they get drunk and die).

So why do the weirdos conjugate in Japan?

That’s a question that’s hard to answer. but I think it has to do with a wide variety of fetishes.

In my case the apple didn’t fall from the tree.

I thought I was a samurai and could carry a sword around and occasionally fight ninja. To my dismay, neither exist anymore (total bummer). I did carry a broom stick around and pretended it was a sword a few times. I contemplated pretending I was Harry Potter and riding a broomstick too, but then I remembered I'm not six years old (another bummer!).

On the other side of the spectrum (or street), you will find people who have a fetish for anything, Be it manga, anime, cosplay, videos games, Japanese girls, tea, martial arts. Whatever floats your boat as they say.  

Japan has something to offer every nerd, weirdo or nut.

I remember about a guy who was sitting with a bunch of girls at a bar (my wife with him. She’s not Japanese by the way). While the girls were in mid talk he said “Does anyone like tentacle porn?”. I can’t imagine someone with a correctly functioning brain saying that. He must have had a few screws loose. I guess he already wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed.

I thought common sense dictates you don’t ask a girl if they like porn. Chances are they don’t. And even if they do they aren't going to tell you. And tentacles? Common dude. Why would a girl like tentacles? You are into some weird stuff (might I offer you a broomstick and you can pretend you are Harry Potter?).

Not the kind of stuff I'm into, but other people are.

As for tentacle porn you would have to be pretty mentally sick to be into that (I wasn't. For once I wasn't into something demented). I had to look it up and I wasn't really sure what it meant, but after reading about it, its worse than I could have imagined.

Its just tentacles and porn. And by tentacles I mean like octopus tentacles and just the tentacles in sexual acts, seriously its twisted, more twisted than a pretzel (lame joke I know).

And this gruesome question asked to five lovely ladies. Pfffft!!!

I guess the tentacles was the fetish that attracted him to Japan.

I knew he was pretty messed up but I can’t blame him a lot of people were. I knew some dudes who were playing Warhammer 2909 and dungeons and dragons in their closets and they were adults. Not cool.

Sadly I went down this road and am scarred (and scared too) for life.

On a side-note which has nothing to do with this story except the word octopus tentacles.

I was at a restaurant one time and they had a menu with limited English. All seemed well until I came to tako wasa, octopus tentacles which was translated as octopus testicles.

I wasn't sure I wanted to test it incase the English translation was correct.

I ate it anyways. It tasted what I imagined testicles to taste like.

A rubbery texture like skin and takes a lot of chewing.  

Gross.

Is this what your children are playing with? Better than eating them raw.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Driver's License for Rejects

Driver's License for Rejects Please

I always do stupid things, I can't seem to learn. Like her!

In this case the story is about me. I wasn't sure if I should just Driver's License for idiots, or something a little less politically correct, or maybe even say for special needs to be more polite.

In this case who is the special needs? Well, surprise! Its me.

Why?

I always think I'm really smart, but in reality I'm not (as you may know from previous blog posts). This is reinforced to me whenever I do something stupid. My wife reiterates to me it was very stupid and why it was stupid in hopes that I can learn not to do it again. She hopes, but I don't learn.

After half a year in Japan my co-worker and I (an American who lived in the same building complex) decided to buy a car.
We were biking everyday to school and it just wasn't working.
Don't get me wrong, as I've mentioned in previous posts, while Granny bikes with baskets with no gears aren't cool, they are definitely convenient. You can put groceries in the basket and feel like you are the Wicket Witch of the West (my pretties!).

The problem was the weather. We could never catch a break. It was either too cold or too hot and we always ended up at school last minute or usually late (not due to any fault on my behalf I might add).

In the summer I'd get to school panting like a dog. My shirt literally dripping with sweat. Let me tell you my body hair definitely did not help the matter. I'm like a freaking monkey. Its not hard to see lack of evolution on my body, perhaps I didn't evolve and that's the problem.

In Winter I'd bundle layer and layer of clothes to try to retain some standard of warmth within my soul. I'd be freezing when I came to work and have to slowly move my joints near a heater to move again. And those heaters are full of kerosene so they stink and probably cause brain damage (I felt that was a good reason for my brain damage and I used as an excuse to my wife).

And hence, we decided to buy a car. In this case, we decided to split the cost of a K-Car (or Kei car in Japan, basically light car). A mini car that is good on gas and easy to drive (for any idiot, me yeah!). Remember that in Japan the steering wheel and roads are opposite to North America. That didn't go well the first few drives. The ditches were like a hole through the Earth, like when a child tries to dig a hole to China, only 100 times deeper.

Since my co-worker was American his International Permit was only valid for one year and mine as well. Our only hope was for me to get a Japanese Driver's license. You see Canada is lucky in the fact we have a driving treaty with Japan. If you show your Canadian valid license you just need to pass a few minor tests and you get one.
In the case of American, Australians etc, you need to do the whole full test thing. Go through tedious driving tests much stricter than at home. What degree is the temperature inside the car and out by gauging with your tongue? I couldn't get that one.

Since it was easiest for Canadian's I thought..... let's do it (mother trucker).

I went to the license centre in a nearby town.
"OK, do you speak Japanese?", he asked.
"Yes, a little", I humbly replied.

"Fill out this questionnaire and then give it back", he said.

I looked at the questionnaire.
1). How many CC's was the car you drove on your test day?
I don't even know what CC's mean. Canadian Club and Coke?
2). What was the make and model you drove on your test day?
No clue, it was from the driving school.
3). What was the season you drove your car in during your test?
I thought I could calculate that by the date the license was issued. "Fall kind of", I wrote. Precise!
4). What was the tire on the vehicle?
Again, no clue. Round? And made of rubber. Incase he didn't know.
5). Was the gas tank full when you drove?
I don't know why its relevant unless they ask you to simulate an emergency with bullets shooting in the gas tank. Again no clue. It was empty, the driving test couldn't proceed and they passed me.
Not funny maybe.

The other questions were mundane (ya cool word for simple).

As I finished the remaining questions he told me its time for an eye test.

He explained to me very slowly what I was to look for like I was an idiot. The best part I am.

"So picture one what do you see?", he asked.
"A letter C", I answered.

He was silent.
"There is no letter C on this test, what do you see?", he asked again.
"A yellow C", I answered.

"No you don't", he said.

But I did.

He changed his description of what I was supposed to do, the space where is it, which I kept describing as C cause that seemed most logical to me (am I Spock?).
"OK must be a language issue. The space, where is the space on the character?" (I wish he added in "you stupid foreigner").
"Its a C facing up", I told him.
"Now a C facing down", I told him.

He sighed a few times, gave up explaining, and told me I passed.
He thought there was a language barrier, but little did he know I was just a reject (idiot).

It occurred to me in Canada, our eye exams include a letter board full of the English alphabet, some big some small, they ask you to read out the letter they point at.

More smaller letters than this. Lean forward to cheat.

In Japan, I think the point was it was supposed to be a small circle with a small missing out of it, to me a letter C. The point being that you specify which part of the circle is missing, in my case saying the direction of the C.

Ya Luke Skywalker, you rebel scum!

In the end it didn't prevent my co-worker from driving without a license.
I'd often come out looking for the car to pick my wife up from the train station late at night and the car was gone.
A few times I thought it was stolen but he told me he took out for dinner. I was astonished as he had no license.
I shouldn't have bothered with the test and made him drive everyday.
In the end the car started to fall apart, I didn't need to press the gas peddle and it would go on its own.
We didn't want to waste money on repairs so we paid to have it scrapped. I suggested it was a waste of money and we should just drive it off a cliff or into the lake (ideally not whilst inside, although it could be fun if we didn't die).

He told me that was bad thing to do, which I reminded him he was driving around illegally without a driver's license which is not really much different.

Oh boy! A true idiot.

Other funny stories from this blog
 http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva