Your Breath Stinks!

Your Breath STINKS!
I guess I could have also added, what else is new?

I tend to brush my teeth after eating in the morning.
My theory behind this is simple. Food gets in your teeth, coffee whatever else. Clean it after its dirty.
I do understand that a lot of people wake up, think "Man my breath stinks" and go to brush their teeth.
My wife is lucky I don't lean over for a kiss each morning. Ha!

Common how bad could it be? Someone sit near me please. 
I want friends too!

Well, I did brush my teeth a lot (not rarely if there are any rumours going around) but it never seemed to help me much in Japan.
I ate so much seafood and fermented food my breath was becoming a bit of a nightmare. By nightmare, I mean like on Elm street (its a reference to a movie if you didn't know). If you don't know look it up.

When I a student in Japan, I lived with a host family that liked to offer me for breakfast the following;
Miso soup with seaweed
Natto (fermented soy beans)
Dry crab (or maybe crap if the translation was correct).
Fish (usually salmon) and jako (small dried fish mixed with peanuts) on rice.

Natto! Well it looks kind of like snot. And the best part, it kind of tastes like it too! Snap!

It was a recipe for disaster. Not only on my bowels, but also on my breath.
I read onetime natto is supposed to clean your G.I tract (stomach). I'm thinking if snot doesn't clear you out, why would heavier snot?

One day, while on the train with my Canadian friend, we were sitting close as the train was busy. Always good if beautiful girls, bad if hairy sweaty guys. I will count my friend as the latter of the two.

"Dude what did you eat for breakfast?", he asked.
"I dunno some seafood and stuff", I answered.
"Your breath stinks. It smells like the ocean", he scowled while covering his mouth.
Which was probably a hint that he wanted me to cover my mouth. Or perhaps put a paper bag over my face. Ideally a plastic bag then it blocks more and then I suffocate, die, and the smell stops.

I thought about it for a minute. I guess I did eat things that would make it stink like the ocean.
Its hard to remove the smell from your teeth and also you can't rub the insides of your stomach with bleach (although some weird people do which I saw on TV, but don't do it). They literally drink bleach and take a bath in it too. Not good for your health FYI.

I asked him what he ate for his breakfast everyday, since I detected a neutral flavour on his breath.
"Toast dude! Why don't you try it? I don't think I can sit beside you. Seriously your breath is unbelievable!". He scowled again.

I continued eating the seafood breakfast almost everyday. I did enjoy cereal when I was offered it, although I always found the milk tasted sour. Seems like people sat closer to me when I ate cereal too, so that was a bonus. Especially if girls and not hairy guys.

One other time when we were on an overnight trip to Hiroshima we shared a room. He asked me when I was going to brush my teeth. I wasn't too sure why he had a keen interest in my teeth brushing activities.
Finally I told him "soon". I left the door partially open and he pushed it and grabbed his toothbrush.
So much for privacy I thought.
"I have a suggestion for you, brush you tongue it might help your breath". I tried, after he mentioned but it was still terrible. He felt the need to go further by stating possibly its not the seafood breakfast I blamed it on and its just my breath.
Haha!

I always wondered why he didn't want to share a room with me after that. He conveniently didn't take the train with me much anymore either.

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Other funny stories from my blog
 http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/


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Wake up time to fight!

Are you passed out?
Wake up its time to fight.

Ask this guy, not me. I'm passive.

So I've always been a very passive person, I've never been in any fights except when I was a kid the odd bully here and there, but no street fights or anything.

I was invited by a "group" to go on a road trip to Osaka. I thought its a great time to bond with them so why not, they aren't the rowdy type and what good times will await. With my luck, usually not good ones.
We rented a bus and the bus was full of males and females, all Japanese except me. It was semi like a party bus we have in North America and you can drink on it.
I don't want to mention any names or get anyone in trouble so I'll say "this group".
Whilst (that's British for while) on the bus I sat in the back enjoying my girly drink, yes because I am the opposite of tough and have an allergy to beer I drank fizzy pop like drinks. Get over it.
A few of the rather burly tough men came to talk to me. Surprise (in) Osaka, do you like gay?
I wasn't sure where they were going with it, cause they said it in English. I also wasn't sure if they are asking me my sexual orientation. So I answered, No I'm not gay, but I don't mind what sexual orientation you are if you are something else.
I think that was too deep an answer for them. I repeated I'm not, but OK if you are.

They laughed.

We got to Osaka. The women went their way and the men another.
I should have joined the women. After all I don't even drink beer.

I was led to a seedier part of Osaka. By seedy I mean, clubs, bars, other stuff.

The "other stuff" is where we were going.

We sat down at a table with a bunch of us (like 9 maybe?).
There seemed to be a hostess at each table and its was a large room with a stage.

The women seemed rather thin, with a lot of make-up. By a lot, I mean tons. If a girl wears too much make-up they have something to hide. Trust me that's a life lesson to be learned.
If a girl looks good naturally, then add a little make-up and that will accentuate that. If she cakes it on like there is something is amiss.

The hostess gave me a hug and was surprised I spoke Japanese. She sat beside me, and I kept thinking wow, that's a lot of make-up. What's she hiding?

There was a younger looking girl (20's) sitting at a table beside us who kept glancing over at our table. I wasn't sure why but she wasn't giving me the eye, she was giving it to the head person of our group. By head person I mean the most senior, aka the big chief. He seemed to take notice.
After a while, the show started. And all the hostesses went on stage. What I saw I should not repeat, but let's just saw I was in shock and not in a good way.
We had come to a transvestite bar. I heard one of the people from my group yell "Ya you like, its NEW HALF". I wasn't sure for about one minute new half meant, but when they removed their clothes I understood, some things were there on some people. And not on others.
Oh boy! In this case I'm not sure "Oh boy" is the expression I should use.
More like Oh a little bit boy a little bit girl.

The show continued, and I seemed to be only one of three people not enjoying the show. The other was the young girl and our chief. She sat at our table and seemed to be playing footsie then holding his hand.
Uh oh I thought. Not good. Some sh%t is gonna hit the fan.

The show ended and we took pictures. Seems dumb I would do that, now I'm probably on the bar's wall for the rest of my life and they say "we had a foreigner here and he loved it, here's his name and number."

They didn't look like this, or maybe I would have known. Or maybe not.

People started filling out of the bar.
I had started to drink my vodka quite heavily due to the fact I was not enjoying myself. In addition, I was getting slightly apprehensive (aka sh*tting my pants) about this situation going on that no one took notice.

Everyone left I thought when I turned around and noticed that the chief was talking to the girl, but apparently the girl had a boyfriend and he did not look happy.
I entertained the thought of not doing anything and leaving, but at this point it seemed a fight was about to break out.
I ran to get the largest and strongest of our group who happened to be a 3rd degree black belt in Judo and weighed 240 pounds. A monster basically. He's like the Hulk except not green. I wish I could get him to say "HULK SMASH!" in Japanese. Smash might be smashuuuu! Not quite the same ring to it.

It didn't occur to me that he was drunk, so he moved his gigantic frame back into the bar pushing people and making a scene. He stepped in-between the chief and the not so happy boyfriend.
At this point I didn't want to be involved. I tiptoed out and mentioned to another judo guy that the big dude went in and I was going to pass out.
I leaned against a building and had a little rest, and by rest I mean pass out.
I suddenly came to, with someone shaking me, "Are you passed out? You are probably going to have to fight".
Dude, I don't even know where I am.

I looked up to see the escapades (problems) from inside the bar, had now come outside and the boyfriend was flipping out (angry). He yelled some not so nice stuff, and then the big judo guy stepped forward, then there was a row of guys on his side, and a row of guys on our side. It was nuts.
I looked for the nearest bathroom.
I'll be back I said.
"YOU can't!! You need to fight".
I looked at him.
"Dude, I've been drinking and I need to pee, I'm not fighting. The fact that I need to pee makes it worse, cause I'd just pee myself".
He didn't believe me. I hoped he wasn't about to test me.
At that point around $600 cash (yen) was given to the boyfriend.
Wow, money can ends fights. That's nice. I'd like to see that happen here.

We met the ladies and they asked how the night went. Silence. I told them I almost got the crap kicked out of me by my own group, without going into details. They didn't get into it.
I hoped that the $600 given to the angry boyfriend wouldn't be added to the group bill of the bus, beer, "special bar" etc.

End result. 
It was.

F!

haha.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 
http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related)
http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/


My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva